Sober edit – there are spoilers, but I suggest you don’t watch this one anyway. In fact, I beg you not to, for your own good.

A little shorter than Beloved Beast this one. A sprint rather than a marathon.

We’re starting with Bosch and dramatic music. And it’s directed by the author of the book. Not often a good sign. See Maximum Overdrive for details.

That was some marvellously on the nose dialogue. Creature design is OK, and the gore effects are nice and traditional. CGI is less impressive.

I hate hippy stuff in sci-fi.

Oh no. Surely not.

I’ve no idea what’s going on. Is that zombie Jesus? Am I risking my eternal soul by watching this?

What was that old point and click game? Space Vixens or something (sober edit – It was Sex Vixens from Space)? The ship in that was just about as phallic.

Zohar (sober edit – no idea. Tweet me if you know why I wrote this).

Surely his eyes would have misted up or something after death. Fishes do, that’s why they put googly eyes on them. Where did the brunette come from?

More on the nose dialogue. If this planet turns out to be Earth, I’m writing ‘bastard’ on my leg in biro.

“The Dead Sea Site”? Is that mean to be “the” Dead Sea? If so, does it usually have valley girls around it.

Is this actually a sexual comedy? More on the nose stuff. Does this have a religious message, or is it a comedy? Would the Pope really come out and say that religion is not to blame for the Middle East?

Jerusalem has actually changed in the last 2000 years.

Watching this film is like having a five year old son. Every couple of minutes, you think “Oh God, what now.”

Magnum (crap name by the way) actually believes he can do comic delivery. He can’t.

So that’s why his eyes haven’t misted up.

Yeah. This is definitely supposed to be a comedy.

Aaaaah.

They should have just gone for it and made an actual porno, rather than this thing. At least I wouldn’t have had to watch it.

Is this pro or anti Christianity?

Apparently The Dead Sea is disappearing. They reckon it’s got about 30 years left. I may actually be around to witness it. Just.

Nice paper mache head. Remember that bit in Secret of Monkey Island when you needed the severed head to guide you? Second point and click reference in the review.

Nice going morons, you’ve released the zombies. All of whom are in Western clothes, because OH GOD THIS IS BALLS.

That was probably the worst scene I’ve seen since I started this site. Well done. This film is probably ideal for incels. And they deserve each other.

This is a book, right? Just what sort of confused mess is that?

Was she wearing white before?

He pays for acting classes. You can tell. He should ask for a refund.

The ending was disappointing. Disappointing in that it didn’t come soon enough.

by guest reviewer Spencer Hackett

Let’s get the formalities out of the way here before we get into this. Death Kiss is directed by Rene Perez and stars Robert Bronzi as a Charles Bronson-esque anti-hero with the face of Charles Bronson. The films basically been sold on the idea that this is the Death Wish film people wanted, not the Bruce Willis, Eli Roth film from earlier this year, notably having the tagline “justice has a familiar face” cus if you hadn’t guessed, Bronzi looks like Bronson. I read somewhere he was a stunt double for Bronson prior to this new found acting work, but I’m not really in the mood to look up if this is true having just sat watching this. Bronzi worked with Perez on his last film, with many of the cast being past collaborators (Richard Tyson has been in bags of em, along with Stormi Maya doing a few). This is Perez’s 17th film since 2010 when he started, I think he thinks he’s the western Takashi Miike (he isn’t, not by a long shot). Anyway let’s get on with this review, bags of spoilers ahead but you shouldn’t care cus probably won’t want to see it anyway.

Rad synth, that’s a good start.

That knockout swing did not connect, no way. I know they don’t want to hurt the actors, but even so, it was in another state than the guy.

This scenes really dark, I’m at full brightness on my laptop and it’s still really dark.

That was some nice blood spray.

It’s not just that first scene that was dark…

This is feeling very pro trump, Daniel Baldwin’s basically just said racism doesn’t matter cus there are paedos …

Was that the Gears of War logo? I swear they just used the GoW logo for the films logo.

This soundtrack’s like someone asked for hip hop mixed with 80’s synth.

Editor – This is still cool, right?

Where did his scarf go? It was there and then it was gone, like that *clicks fingers*

“You don’t have to worry about things like that happening here” I think you will kid… (she didn’t, I’m disappointed…)

There’s some bad focus pulling going on here.

I won’t spoil the awesome badass line. (I changed my mind, you don’t want to watch this film. So the thug’s like “how much you got?” and Bronson’s like “6” and then the other thugs like “6 dollars?” and then Bronson says “bullets” and shoots them) 

Why did Bronson put his gun away, to pull it out again and shoot the people he already shot when the gun was out the first time?

Was this shot on DSLRs, that went proper wobbly.

Has the guy that plays Bronson died his hair, it’s very dark?

I don’t really know what just happened, why did that guy just vomit? Oh Daniel Baldwin’s going to tell me, never mind.

Oh my god this film has some fucked up message – Baldwin’s now saying that police shouldn’t help domestic abuse victims. This is horrible. For one I don’t think the writers actually know what domestic abuse is. I’ve seen films with bad treatment of issues, with offensive representation, but to just have a character just outwardly say these things is horrendous. Also this camera-work is appalling.

Is Bronson dubbed? That line didn’t match up. He is. There’s no way that’s his voice from this scene, he may have re recorded the lines but he defo isn’t speaking them in this scene.

Ouch, I’ve just thrown my headphones off because for some reason we needed to hear the kettles squeal really loud out of nowhere.

Why would you apologise for tea being hot, that’s how tea works?

Don’t drink tea with the bag still in, that’s just weird.

I know colour grading can be a pain but these shots don’t match up. Especially here everyone has a weird slightly green face, like they’ve made all the shadows green.

You can tell Bronson is a stunt man not an actor.

The darkness is back.

“Young Billy” doesn’t look very young. That may because I can only see half his face for some reason.

“Let him do the guy” has some different connotations after spending ages talking about willies.

“Quit being a f*cking punk billy” says the guy dressed in punk clothes.

Bins are not seats.

That’s some decent gore to be fair, it has been throughout. Unlike the acting.

This bad guys got a serious head wobble on. I’m guessing he thinks it’s that over exaggerated thing that’ll make him creepy, but he just looks daft.

There are occasional moments of badassery, but they’re in the middle of not very badass things.

Someone’s proud of their steady cam.

I was hoping this film would have bad copy pasted muzzle flashes. I have not been let down. Editor – Love those. Especially when the gun doesn’t move.

Why’s Bronson running like he’s shit himself?

That has to be the worst first person camera I’ve seen, Hardcore Henry this is not, Hardbore Barry more like.

They made a big deal of the sound of the splashes of this guys footsteps, then in the next shot they’re silent.

There’s some really strange shit going on here. For one, Bronson’s a dick. Also hasn’t this woman been through enough without being forced to kill someone? This is literally what the bad guy just did to her husband. (This never came up again, this character existed to show her boobs, be raped and then bullied into murdering someone by Bronson, none of which has needed to happen. We already knew the bad guy was bad so Bronson could have just busted in and shot everyone no problem)

Has Bronson gone after this bad guy before? He said “keep’s coming after me” but we haven’t seen it.

Hello darkness my old friend…

Of course Bronson’s still out there, no one’s shot him at all, he wasn’t going to just drop dead.

Oh my god this film has so much ppppppppppppppaaaaaaaaaaaaaaddddddddddddddiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnggggggggggggg

Death Kiss, sponsored by your friendly local NRA member.

I think they’ve written Bronson to be like Solid Snake, that he repeats the last few words of people’s sentences dramatically, but it comes of more like Dougie from Twin Peaks: The Return.

God this bits so tedious. I don’t care about the daughter. This film doesn’t have any heart. Also can we have some music? It’s awkward.

Bronson’s called K, but I’m going to keep calling him Bronson. K makes me think of Blade Runner 2049, a film I’d much rather be watching. 

Slo mo gun porn time, with Ray Ban product placement. Also why did the woman who doesn’t own a gun have ear defenders and protective shooting glasses lying around?

Take that Sprite!!!

Bronson’s very proud of doing that one armed shotgun cocking thing.

I like he’s just left his shotgun behind. That can’t be cheap, Bronson charity.

Why is there half an hour left!!!!! WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What do you bet the cash register guy doesn’t have to kill anyone like the woman from earlier? Nope he didn’t have to, Bronson just hates victims I guess.

Love that Bronson waited till he saw boobs before saying that he isn’t in it for sex and that wasn’t what he wanted. He isn’t very smooth.

Ok Baldwin, how does one look like a criminal? He’s said it’s not a race thing, but by his description it is. Using African Americans shooting a baby in the face and mugging a woman in his story BUT HE’S NOT RACIST. Oh god this is seriously terrible. And each time he does this he tries to make out that he isn’t racist but let’s be honest, when you have to argue you aren’t racist, you’re probably racist. This is literally so horrendous and offensive and it’s clearly trying to justify it all, I’m surprised he hasn’t kicked off about Antifa, Me Too or Black Lives Matter yet. Actually he’s basically moved on to that now. It’s so stereotypical modern America it’s terrifying. I’m almost waiting for Sacha Baron Cohen to appear and it turn out to be a massive Who is America skit.

I swear the one goon is the same guy they killed earlier.

This is the worst shootout I’ve ever seen. I have no idea where anyone is, also the music is setting no pace or urgency. The only thing going for it is the blood which is entertaining but it’s just getting so dull.

Oh he was after this guy because it was a shootout with him that paralysed the little girl?

Nice stock wolf footage.

Well that’s 85 minutes of my life I won’t get back. I’ll level with you, when it got to around half an hour left I got bored so did a drawing of Bronson instead with the film on in the background. I think this film thinks it’s cool and edgy, that it’s sticking it to left leaning people. The thing is though – 1. You (Perez) just look like a prick who’s just defending wife beaters and promoting racism, and 2. You clearly don’t have the confidence or belief to back up those sentiments because you have to justify that you aren’t racist or sexist (actually you never bothered with denying they were sexist). I wouldn’t usually harp on about this but the film is so heavily skewed in the that direction it’s impossible not to. The treatment of the sexual violence stuff was horrendous, worst level grind-house stuff and it seemed to be proud of it. Even without that it would be a waste of time, a blandly shot, dull as dishwater unexciting and un-thrilling action/thriller. I’m genuinely shocked this is getting a physical release, or any release that isn’t just being put on YouTube for free. I cannot urge you enough, DO NOT, repeat DO NOT, watch this film, DO NOT give money to this film. If you had considered seeing this and still want to spend some money, give however much money the DVD or rental or whatever would cost you to a women’s shelter, or a charity to help young people get out of crime, or a rough sleeper. Then you’ll have done good, probably pissed off Perez and saved yourself 85 minutes to watch something actually worth your time.

Some charities we’d like to recommend are:
Shelter
Women’s Aid

(Sober edit – very slight spoilers)

I was going to watch this last week, but I kind of got drunk and fell asleep. It was a football drunk.

Nearly 3 hours. That’s ambitious. For a drunk review, yes, but for a director, certainly.

“Slough Town”? “Come friendly bombs and fall on Slough/It isn’t fit for humans now”. What other drunk review site gives you English poetry? Seriously? What? I’d love to read them. (Sober edit – The full Betjeman poem is at the bottom should you wish to read it, just past the trailer).

The worst (as in most horrendous) scene of parental loss in a car crash is in Gasper Noe’s Enter the Void. Uncomfortable as it is, it forces you to watch, to be a voyeur. It’s painful to watch.

Compared to a lot I’ve watched recently, this is already head and shoulders above.

Nine months was barely enough to prepare for parenthood. A coupe of hours would be terrifying, even if you already knew the child well and loved it.

Yes! Scenes of multiple killing should be brutal. It should feel like any survivors will be stained psychically permanently, and this does that.

I think Holbrook is at the very least aware of David Lynch’s mastery of sound use to make seemingly mundane scenes seem unsettling. He may have made a point of studying it.

Take your pick. I won’t axe you again.

Photography with actual film. Love it. Makes you select your shots. Finding somewhere to process black and white is a pain though.

There’s a great Tarkovsky book of Polaroid photos. If you’ve seen his films, you’ll be prepared for the quality of his vision.

Yeah, I think Holbrook admires Lynch. Which is no bad thing.

Not sure when this is set yet.

That looks like good pizza. Better than Dominoes. Yeah. Given up on sponsorship.

It’s set about 86 judging by the Walkman. Can’t quite make out what she’s listening to. She likes the Cure and Sisters. Temple of Love, the re-release was about 91? I think I still have the 7″ somewhere. I do like the fact that people aren’t running round screaming “It’s the 80s”. I liked it that the first season of Stranger Things was subtle about its setting. The second was sadly less so. Not sure why the period was chosen. It was obviously a good period for horror. Plus you don’t have to explain away mobile phones.

Are Pink Floyd a hillbilly band? I’d have thought rednecks wouldn’t have the attention span for a 2 disc concept album.

Human traffickers… cultists… Quite an eventful day.

Harvey. Had to be.

There are a lot of scenes that outstay their welcome a little, but I can see why they have been left at the length they are. They are well written, and for the most part well directed. I can imagine when it comes to editing work of which you are proud, it is difficult to leave any on the cutting room floor. Unfortunately those extra minutes built up and attention can wander, especially for a drunken review.

There’s a lot to like about this film. Some of the performances are fantastic, shots are well constructed, there are interesting moral questions to be discussed ,and at times it is laugh out loud funny, but it comes back to the pacing. Those that love the film, and there will be many who do love it, will be able to overlook that, or even embrace it as part of the film’s charm. It is a film that has been put together by someone with a real love of cinema.

Hmph. Didn’t expect that.

Nice set of model kits. Looking forward to building one with my son.

Have to say, Joy Yaholkovsky really stood out. Her not giving a shitness was constantly amusing. Morgen Johnsen was superb too. Hope to see more of them.

Slough

Come friendly bombs and fall on Slough!
It isn’t fit for humans now,
There isn’t grass to graze a cow.
Swarm over, Death!

Come, bombs and blow to smithereens
Those air -conditioned, bright canteens,
Tinned fruit, tinned meat, tinned milk, tinned beans,
Tinned minds, tinned breath.

Mess up the mess they call a town-
A house for ninety-seven down
And once a week a half a crown
For twenty years.

And get that man with double chin
Who’ll always cheat and always win,
Who washes his repulsive skin
In women’s tears:

And smash his desk of polished oak
And smash his hands so used to stroke
And stop his boring dirty joke
And make him yell.

But spare the bald young clerks who add
The profits of the stinking cad;
It’s not their fault that they are mad,
They’ve tasted Hell.

It’s not their fault they do not know
The birdsong from the radio,
It’s not their fault they often go
To Maidenhead

And talk of sport and makes of cars
In various bogus-Tudor bars
And daren’t look up and see the stars
But belch instead.

In labour-saving homes, with care
Their wives frizz out peroxide hair
And dry it in synthetic air
And paint their nails.

Come, friendly bombs and fall on Slough
To get it ready for the plough.
The cabbages are coming now;
The earth exhales.