4:20 Massacre – A Drunken Review

4/20 Massacre Poster

It’s a football drunk review, so hopefully the booze won’t put me to sleep. It was also St.Patrick’s Day, and, as we drink in an Irish club prior to and after the match (shout out to The Emerald Club, it’s management and staff), you can imagine the score.

I’m Old Gregg. You seen my downstairs mix-up.

Nice credits.

I hate the word guestimate. That’s not a criticism of the film – these are people that would use it.

This is a film by someone who knows and appreciates the genre. The choice of music and shot selection is spot on.

Buddy kinda reminds me of Will Ferrell as Buddy the Elf in Elf. Not just because of his name.

Pirates used to do this thing where they’d disembowel people and nail one end near a fire. They’d either burn or disembowel themselves. Humans are very good at figuring out ways of killing each other.

I’ve never rolled a cigar-joint.

It’s nice watching a slasher film where I don’t pretty much immediately want the cast to be butchered. Regular readers may have noticed that one of my bugbears is horror films where you don’t care about the erstwhile victims.

When did people start using the term libtard? I thought it was recent.

Actually, I know what I said about the music earlier, but it’s become a bit overbearing.

Not only are the characters ones that you want to survive (or they don’t annoy you to the point that you want them eviscerated) they actually have some depth to them.

Not the usual cookie-cutter victims

There’s a bit of a Clerks vibe to the dialogue, which is obviously a good thing. I think it’s the way there’s a direct didacticism at times, like a discussion on whether psychopaths are naturally more successful (I personally believe they are an evolutionary step forward, albeit an unpleasant one).

Do you have any new films?

I like Ranger Rick. I don’t know the actor, but I get the feeling he’s a veteran.

I enjoyed that. It wasn’t without fault – the fight sequences were a touch clumsy, which led to the ending feeling a little flat maybe. I would recommend it though. No catering in the credits though.


Shockwave – A Drunken Review

It was a fairly close run thing between this and Atlantic Rim 2, but in the end, this won. It was recorded from the channel Movies 4 Men. So yeah.

We’re off to a flyer here – it’s Star Trek mountain

Hey look! It’s a badly CGI’d robot that looks like one of the robots from The Matrix killing a guy that looks like the guy from Scream.

That pistol has a remarkable clip size. Apparently the thing going amok is not part of its design. Who QA’d this thing?

I would so play an arcade game with this soundtrack. It’d be a side scrolling platform shooter.

Shockwave, the Video Game, would look a bit like this

Michael Dorn, Bill Mumy and Robert Picardo? Cripes! Who’s doing Comicon while they’re filming this? George Takei too? Oh my.

I’m sure the music just basically stole bits off Reptile by NIN.

So it appears the Shockwave film I was going to be watching is not this Shockwave, which was actually released as AI Attack. I feel like I’ve deceived people now.

The film I watched post-title card seems like a totally different one to that pre-title card.

I’ve decided I’ll do a review of the other Shockwave as an apology to all those who voted thinking this was that.

Wait. He was in Babylon 5 too? What? You think I was always this cool? I actually have a nerdy past.

Apparently Dr.Foster is on his way. And it’s raining.

So they were taking them to Australia for ‘obedience training’. Is this how the US Australian war began?

Turning that TV on had the most unnecessary sound effects. It was great.

I recognise the blonde criminal woman. I think she’s been on here before.

Now we’re back in the film before the title card.

Those robots are stealing a helicopter!

I so hope the robots are going to mod themselves with helicopter bits.

Seeing a World War 2 military installation on a Pacific island makes me want to play Far Cry 3.

Vaas was ace

There’s 4 minutes of this left. Was it actually a series or something? DID MOVIES 4 MEN MISLEAD ME? THERE WILL BE CONSEQUENCES.

And it just sort of ended there. No credits or anything. What on earth happened?

Does this say part one or anything? If you’re misleading me, Movies 4 Men, there will be consequences!

Now, there are other instances of Shockwave on the planner, but it doesn’t say Part Two or anything. Don’t really want to watch a second part, but, I dunno, do I ow it to my readers to suffer so? Need to find out who did the catering anyway.

4/20 Massacre Preview

Slash and burn

4/20 Massacre Poster

When Jamie Bernadette and Justine Wachsberger, star of the Divergent series, join a group of friends for a birthday camping trip over the 4/20 holiday weekend, they soon find themselves crossing paths with an illegal marijuana growing operation and find themselves fighting for their lives in 4/20 Massacre, the first ever Stoner Slasher movie.

Simultaneously released on video on demand and DVD, this comedy thriller pits its young stars against its monster.

4/20 Massacre Group Photo

Directed by Dylan Reynolds and starring Jamie Bernadette(I Spit on Your Grave: Déjà Vu, Killing Joan), Vanessa Rose Parker (Samurai Cop 2), Justine Wachsberger (Divergent), Stacey Danger (‘’Jean-Claude Van Johnson’’), Marissa Pistone (Raze), Jim Storm (Dark Shadows), Mark Schroeder (‘’Pretty Little Liars’’) Jim Round, Drew Talbert and James Gregory, 4/20 Massacre is released on 4/20.

Monkey’s Paw – A Drunken Review

Monkey’s Paw


Oh God. Before I watch this film, I have to address the point that the cover of Where is My Mind on the Galaxy advert is far worse than any horror I’m about to witness.

I was about to discuss Stephen Lang. I get the feeling he’s not a bad actor, but Avatar wasn’t a film intended for actors to act, and I tried to watch that series about the dinosaur planet. I loved the premise, but it just didn’t quite work. So, I kind of connect him with negative stuff.

I think gun nuts are being portrayed in a negative light. Which is cool.

OK. I think this thing might be going for a Tremors everyman humour thing. Which’ll be cool if it works.

I wonder how life would have worked out for me if I’d grown up in a Bayou kind of town. I’m more suited to working in IT than punching alligators.

I wonder if the “I wished for the car on a monkey’s paw and the keys were in it so I assumed my wish had come true” defence would work in court.

“The Defence Rests”

I’ve had “Run to the Jungle” stuck in my head for days now. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if it turned up in this (only they might not have the budget).

The moral of this tale seems to be that monkeys are bastards. They give you a wish, but twist it… Or are they just angry that their hands got cut off? I might become a monkey paw wish consultant. Look for those loopholes.

His ex kind of reminds me of Tara Reid. This isn’t her level of film, fortunately.  Not far off though.

Charles S.Dutton. I like him. Kind of annoyed me that he was just about the only American amongst the convicts in Alien 3, so of course he had to be the good one.

Do people say “having a cob on” in America? Or outside of the Midlands?

Could you say “I wish that my monkey’s paw wishes had no negative effects whatsoever” as your first wish? Or is the monkey paw legal team adept at closing loopholes like that?

“There’s nothing in the contract that says your client’s friend has to be alive when he comes back.”

I suppose I need to sort stuff like that out before I become a a pawyer. If anyone has any names for my monkey paw consultancy, I’d be grateful. Our tagline could be “Get what you want, not what you deserve.”

Did they film all of the scenes with his brother at the same time to save money?

Charles S.Dutton hasn’t featured as much as an actor of his ability deserves. Do the computers in this police station not have any power saving options turned on? They’re all happily sitting on desktop. Don’t think that’d be GDPR compliant. If you want to discuss GDPR, give me a shout. I will be deleting all email subscriptions in order to comply, I think. Haven’t seen any particularly clear guidelines for small websites.

Stephen Lang is just about the only thing that works in this film.

Considering its atmosphere, not much horror has worked out well in New Orleans. Candyman and Preacher. Well, Preacher’s not horror. OK. Not much genre TV and film. Treme was good though. John Goodman was superb.

Sober edit –  my notes stop here. I did watch the whole film. The ending was rubbish.

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
Start date 27-03-2017 18:30:09
End date 09-03-2018 19:59:59
Poll Results:
Film for 09/03/2018


Tom Cruise’s Mummy – A Drunken Review

The Mummy – A Drunken Review

Corking Movies - The Dummy
The Mummy Official Poster

I suppose it’s testament to Tom Cruise’s saleability, and, I have to admit, his on screen charisma, that even being linked to a movement that has some negative press in the way Scientology has, his box office pull has barely dipped.

Ooh! Dark Universe. Is that still going to be a thing?

The Brendan Fraser Mummy films weren’t great. They were an Indiana Jones/Romancing the Stone crossover sort of thing. They were, however, very enjoyable.  It’s a formula that should be fairly easy to get right. I say should, because reviews have not been great. We’ll see though.

I’m guessing the Russell Crowe character is like the Mia of Keague of Extraordinary Gentlemen. Or its Nick Fury.

If ever they do a Slaine film, the guys who did the demon there to do the Horned God.

They keep referring to someone called Henry, who is, I gather, an archeologist.

Corking Movies - The Mummy
There’s only one Henry

Courtney Vance is like a young Ernie Hudson. I met Ernie Hudson once.  Nice chap.

One of the problems with Tom Cruise playing the slightly inept hero (like Indiana Jones, Han Solo or Nathan Drake) is that he’s spent so long perfecting serious that either it’s too ingrained in him, or it’s too ingrained in me, so it feels false.

I was going to say something about the pretty English professor being a stereotype of the genre, but I think with a genre film like this, it’s perfectly fine, expected, even.

When Cruise does his comedy gurning, it’s too much like when De Niro does. Just Wrong. Like I said, they spent too long being cool, being larger than life heroes, or dramatic characters to do what comes to Chris Pratt so naturally. Groucho Marx said, amongst so many other brilliant things, that it’s easier for comedy actors to go serious film than vice versa.

The best mummies were those in The Extraordinary Adventures of Adele Blanc-Sec. I suggest you watch that.

I mentioned Nathan Drake earlier. The pub they’re in is like that at the beginning of Uncharted 3.

Uncharted 3 Pub Brawl

His friend is very reminiscent of American Werewolf in London.

There’s something oddly artificial about when actors speak directly to the camera as if the viewer were the person they’re talking to. I mean, I know it is artificial, but it really looks it.

Has he wandered into Nightmare Creatures?

So Crowe is Henry Jekyl. Guess he would have been the focus of Dark Universe. I do actually wish that it had gone ahead. I think it would have been a modern day League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (marvellous comic. OK-ish film).

Is it wrong that I find undead Sofia Boutelli attractive?

In Egyptian mythology, is Set actually bad? Or is he the Gatekeeper chap? The one who weighs hearts? I like the idea of that. If you believe you’ve done right, that’s fine. It’s all about who you are, not how life has treated you. Totally tosses the stealing a loaf of bread question out of the window.

May be there’s something in Scientology. Cruise is 2 years older than Crowe.

Don’t care if Cruise’s character dies, just stop trashing the National Museum.

I think the main problem wit this is that the action scenes are too low and they aren’t fun.

This is one of those films you sort of forget you are watching.

There was something else I watched where two pupil irisis meant possession. Can’t remember what though.

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
Start date 27-03-2017 18:30:09
End date 09-03-2018 19:59:59
Poll Results:
Film for 09/03/2018

Ghost In The Shell – A Drunk Review

Ghost in the Shell – A Drunken Review

Ghost in the Shell Movie Poster
Ghost in the Shell Movie Poster

Interesting fact. Maybe. On the Ghost in the Shell:Stand Alone Complex soundtrack is a track called Lux Aeterna. Cling Mansell wrote some of the soundtrack of this and also wrote a piece called Lux Aeterna. Both of these pieces are pieces I adore.

I’m a big fan of the comic of Ghost in the Shell and the original anime, but I’m going to try and put those to the back of my head as it’d be unfair to judge this based on those. They’re a different media. The comics and the animé are massively different in themselves.

A Corking Movies first here. We’re having technical difficulties. As a result, I’m watching the Bowls World Championship Quarter Finals. Disappointingly, nobody is smoking a pipe. Sorry, to explain, I had to restart the router and download the film.

Please stand by
Please stand by

Right, let’s start, and hope we don’t have any further issues. Obscure Dairy Milk advert there. How many Millennials will remember going into a newsagents for fags while an adult waits outside? Also, how many will remember Ghost in the Shell being advertised in Syndicate Wars?

This was high-tech AF when I were a lad,

This wine was ace.

It’s a brave move to do a remake of something so beloved. Especially when you’re radically shifting the medium and ethnicity.

OK. Best Takeshi is in it. That’s plus points. Will there be baseball on the beach? The opening scene nicely reflects the opening of the animé. It does Westernise it though – the original was more abstract and the soundtrack more traditionally Japanese. I think, as well, we’re being introduced at the beginning of the whole Shell thing, whereas in the comic and the animé, it’s already established and ‘normal’. I said I’d try and watch this with no preconceptions, but it’s not possible.

Two of the main things I remember about the animé are the major looking at her hand when she wakes (which is referenced in the GIT:SAC OST) and a scene on a boat where the Major discusses a mirror darkly. Also, film just reminded me of briefcase guns. From the comic, I remember Beat Takeshi’s character on a moped, super deformed style.

Is that Top Dollar from The Crow?

The soundtrack seems to be inspired by Deus Ex. Unless Deus Ex was inspired by Ghost in the Shell. Or they were both inspired by something else.

She woke looking at her hand. There’s a lot of cockney accents. From what I’ve heard of Beat Takeshi, he might not have been keen.

The Laughing Man
The Laughing Man

Was Batou’s love of dogs something from the second film?

One of the things about Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow (which I so desperately wanted to like) was that the CGI backgrounds overpowered the actors, making them seem unreal. This does the same.

I think they’re guilty of one of my pet peeves. They don’t trust the audience to give up on reality for a couple of hours. They’re trying to ground it all in reality. You end up with a hybrid and the stuff you try to make believable… isn’t.

The problem with good wine? It runs out too fast.

What were the robots’ names? Began with an ‘O’. The video game was all about them. I’m taking a risk here and putting a blanket on. It’s cold, but I may fall asleep.

Tachikoma. Doesn’t begin with an O. Shared a mind and tried to buy a battleship AI.

Heh. It was a beagle in GITS 2. Does Beat Takeshi not speak English, or refuse to (sober explanation – everyone speaks English to him, but he always replies in Japanese).

Merry Christmas Mr.Lawrence!

I like that he’s kept his hair from the comics.

I may be more drunk than usual, but I have no idea why the bad guy is doing what he’s doing.

There’s bits of GITS 2 being mixed in here and there and Westerners being thrown into Tokyo (sober edit – it wasn’t Tokyo. It was even Japan). The bin lorry driver is an unwitting tool in 2 and has become the terrorist from 1.

Can anyone tell me where I recognise the bad guy from?

Can see why the made the Major the first “shell”. It was necessary for the narrative.

In the comic and the anime, the Major’s boss is massively protective.

” Stop saying shit like that, you’re going to piss me off.” That is so just anime dialogue.

I didn’t think that really expanded on the original material. It just made me want to watch it more. Especially when they used the opening music at the end.

Sleep. Now.


Don’t Kill It – A Drunken Review

Dolph Lundgren fighting a demon? I’m in…

Don't Kill It
Dolph Lundgren and ludicrous net gun

The world won’t miss this guy. I assume he named his dog Titus after Titus Bramble.

This is quite a brutal film. Doing that stupid thing where they add scream and stuff that aren’t affected by either environment or movement.

Dolph’s still got fine hair.

I think that’s the first time I’ve seen a vaping hero.

This music…

Don't Kill It
“First we take 100% American beef*, then we season it with our secret blend of herbs and spices.”
Corking Movies - Evil Lyn
Evil Lyn? Maybe I should do a review of Masters of the Universe soon

That priest is evil. Nailed on…

This film isn’t quite sure where it sits. Having Dolph Lundgren in it obviously says it’s an action film. However, the pace is more of a crime thriller, and its too open to be a horror film.

Why is Dolph a demon hunter? I can’t see it paying – he doesn’t seem well off. He doesn’t seem well off- he was quite casual about it. Ah. It’s a family thing. Like the Winchesters.

I reckon the first victim in Dolph’s description of the demons is the director.

When I said the film didn’t know where it sits, I think it’s more of a case of the writer/director not wanting to take the shackles off. Whilst there’s an argument for audiences wanting more sophistication and realism in their horror, I think there are times where you just need to scrap that and go for it.

Deer’s head on the wall? Can’t help but think of Deadly Premonition.

“Do you feel it, Zach? My numerous pints of Guinness warned me about it” (this isn’t the first Deadly Premonition reference on here, and it certainly won’t be the last)

Almost constant vaping. Its not as badass as a cigar.

Some nice gore. Now they’re having fun with the whole premise.

So. If the demon moves hosts to the person who killed it, what happens if it dies in an accident? Or of disease? Or old age?

Because the town’s called Chickory Creek, I now have Son of my Father or whatever it’s called stuck in my head

This scene needed a lot more gravity, or to be played entirely for laughs. As it is, it’ somewhere in the middle, which doesn’t work.

This FBI chap is a proper 80s action film douche-bag. If he was older, in his younger days he’d have played a preppy bully, picking on John Cuzack (where is he these days?), then he’d be, well, an FBI guy who gets in the way of the hero, or an EPA agent that frees all the ghosts.

“Yes it’s true. This man has no dick.”

I didn’t hate that. It wasn’t great and I wouldn’t recommend it. When it was fun, it was a lot of fun, but there was too little of that.

Sober edit – you know what? I would recommend it, because the fun bits are worth enduring the meandering bits.

*I was a bit worried doing an image search for “American beef”…

Independence Day 2: Resurgence – A Drunken Review

Independence Day 2: Resurgence

Independence Day 2 Poster

The first Independence Day was enjoyable enough. Never going to go down in cinematic history, but as a Saturday afternoon film? It works. With a simple formula like it had, it would be hard to mess things up, but apparently they have. Let’s see.

I will never purchase this wine again. Every sip causes my nostrils to fold in towards my earlobes.

That’s some quite poor CGI.

Bill Pullman is reading a history of the Luftwaffe. We were meant to see the book. I don’t know why.

We have some ‘regular folk in space’. You know they’ll save the day. I think I recognise one of them from another corking movie review. Now ‘regular folk’ have been grounded. So, they’ll disobey that to save the world.

A prison for aliens?

Jeff Goldblum. He would have stolen the show in Thor: Ragnarok, but Taika Waititi did. Is that Charlotte Gainsbourg?

There’s an alien ship in an area controlled by an African warlord. Sorry, but over 20 years, the US government or someone would have wiped him out.

Regular Guy In Space’s girlfriend belongs in an Asylum film.

“You’re shaking hands with the President.” Heh.

Is Regular Guy in Space a Hemsworth?

“Considering he died in a test flight.” Seriously. Is that how you ask a question of a bloke about his dad in a press conference?

They’re making a big deal of the Chinese/US partnerships.

I just heard a voice and thought it was Brent Spiner. I assumed he wouldn’t be in it. It wasn’t him I heard, but he is in it. I can’t think of anything else he’s been in for a while.

“Could you sound more English please? Our audience is largely made up of idiots. And a drunk but really cool guy.”

An Englishman’s way of speaking absolutely classifies him.
The moment he talks he makes some other Englishman despise him.
One common language I’m afraid we’ll never get.
Oh why can’t the English learn to set a good example to people who’s English is painful to your ears?


A really good ending to this would be like the end of Aliens: Book One.

First reaction of humans to something unknown? Open fire. Remember how that worked out in Earth vs. The Flying Saucers?

They blasted it back to Van Der Graaf Generator or something.

So, it seems the African warlord we’ve been involved with is actually one of the nice African warlords, not a bad one.

I think, if they could have, they would have had either Charlie Day or chappy from Parks and Recreations. Instead, they have this guy.

Regular Guy In Space Who May Be A Hemsworth’s girlfriend is the president’s daughter, I think (well, the ex president). I wonder if the original was the only other time she acted. I wonder if Harry Connick Jr. is in this.

They’re making a big deal of Bill Pullman’s speech from the first one. It’s not really a very good speech. This is a good speech.

They’ve stolen the Alien aesthetic.

This sequence looks like the video at the beginning of a themed roller coaster. Or a Cine 360.

William Fichtner showed promise as an actor when he came on the scene, but his career kind of disappeared. He had something like a minute in The Dark Night. He’s a very good actor, but he’s upset someone.

Stuff being sucked into the ship. It’s kind of like Prey. I loved the demo of that, and there was a lot that was cool about the game – the way the story unfolded, the ghost kids, the general setting, but the Native American mysticism seemed a little made up (and maybe offensive) and it took longer to install than it did to complete.

This section of the game freaked me out.

At least Goldblum acknowledged that aliens go for the landmarks. I hope that was a Goldblum improv, as I don’t want to give the writers any credit.

I’m no physicist, but I’m highly dubious of the physics here.

Security on Area 51 seems a little lax.

A bunch of kids. They won’t annoy me. There’ll probably be some whole “children are the future” thing.

There’s an actor who may be Colonel Tigh from Battlestar Galactica, which would be appropriate, because I thought the space battles in Battlestar Galactica were much better than this.

Another crappy speech. They surely had the budget to pay someone who could write a decent speech, rather than just cobble something together and run with it. Tom Stoppard rewrote the dialogue for Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade and that was fantastic.

The alien queen’s movement is ripped off that of the true alien queen.

This is no pretender…

Is this your first time at a harvester? (Sober edit –  no idea what I meant here)

We’re losing. We’re being wiped out. We’ll never survive. BUT THEN… SCIENCE! Bill Pullman looks CGI’ed now he’s shaved his beard off.

I’m not so sure why they’re using old technology. I may not have been paying attention.

This space battle is unexciting. Also impressed by how quickly they learned to fly alien ships. I want this to end so I can go to bed.

William Fichtner is doing a Big Speech to people around the globe. Again not well written.

They should have just let Charlotte Gainsbourg use her natural accent. It doesn’t matter where her two dimensional character is from. She’s too good an actress for this tripe. As is Jeff Goldblum, but he has been in some tripe. He gets a free pass though, as he seems like a nice guy (and friends of a friend met him and seem to back this up).

The highlight of the film so far was when I went to the toilet and did a Ric Flair walk back.


End of game boss.

There can’t be 25 minutes of this left. Why is the alien queen chasing the school bus? IT DOESN’T MATTER OTHER THAN MAIN CAST ARE ON BOARD. Alien queen has a Destiny thing going on.

At least you don’t have to buy endless DLC to get to the end of this film.

If it stops more movies like this, I’d help the aliens end the world. It’d be for the greater good.

As plans go, this is right up there with Superman flying round the world until he travels back in time.

There’s shouting! There’s hollering! But there’s no acting.

You have to green screen that? Seriously?

Charlotte Gaisbourg’s character is actually French, it seems.

Five people wrote this script. Five. I bet there were even more doing the catering.

Larry Franco? He should know better.

It takes a lot of people to make a film this bad. There are 18 accountants. Caterers were Roland Gonzalez and Mario’s Catering. I don’t know if Roland works for Mario;s.

With the many people involved, how did nobody say “Look, stop, this is a complete mess.”


Monsters: Dark Continent – A Drunk Review

Monsters: Dark Continent. A drunk review

A regular visitor to this site informed me that he had started to watch this, but not finished it. He then told me he’d voted for it. I was tempted to block his IP.

Anyway, I have some nice new wine glasses I had for Christmas. Proper ones, not the little one I had been drinking from, so here goes.

Don’t remember too much about the original Monsters. I remember it being well received and I remember the scene at the end with the pylons.

Black screen. Gravelly voiceover. It’s Lego Batman!

Apparently the monsters have been stomping on cities in the Middle East (of course! The Dark Continent, which is… Africa). Anyway, the monsters have been stomping the cities, so the Americans have been bombing them, which has also been blowing up the cities, so the local people have been killing Americans, so the Americans have been killing them back. If you read my review of Bright, you’ll seen reference to heavy handed metaphor. This makes that as impenetrable as a Tarkovsky film (that’s just a reminder to you all that I do like good films, so you can vote for  something decent too).

The bearded sergeant is actually a very good actor. First saw him in The Fades. He was absolutely fantastic in this is England. The main actor is doing a lot of nostril acting.

Getting some buddy-buddy scenes here. They watch each other having sex, are there at each other’s children’s birth.

Bit disappointed. Said it was written by Tom Green, but it’s nowhere near as funny as Freddie Got Fingered.

Daddy do you want a sausage?

Oh. A group drug and sex scene. How pathetic and unnecessary. Seriously, you’ve just told me the film is aimed at adolescents, so any ham fisted political message is gone now. And that shot of the main character looking all thoughtful at the monsters being bombed? You’ve just given us a sort of cinematic shorthand message that he’s shallow (I fully appreciate that service people need to blow off steam before going away, but that’s not what you’ve told us in the previous scene). More binding scenes. This is just a film about testosterone.


Wobbly camera work. SO YOU FEEL LIKE YOU’RE THERE. Is there a machine that makes the camera wobble. It’s so artificial.

Can any American readers tell me… Do these accents sound as bad to you as they do me?

What’s the monsters motivation?

That soldier just took a picture that’s going to be used somewhere near the end. Credits maybe (sober edit. It wasn’t).

This is the worst planner ambush ever. Surely you’d make sure you had men either side, not just on one. Also, if there’s an extraction mission like this, wouldn’t they have air support ready? I could well be wrong on both counts. I’m not well versed on air support times.

I don’t think there’s much of a bigger picture in the film – it’s more of a human drama, only we’ve not been given much of a reason to care about the characters. It’s easier to empathise with the monsters.

This film could have been seriously compacted.

Why’s there a school bus (with apparently no driver) in the middle of the desert? And are school buses yellow to stop Americans bombing them? Yeah, I went there because I saw the original Wikileaks recording.

NOW WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? Is that the Brotherhood of the Cruciform Sword?

Is your soul prepared? This chap was also in Midnight Express, and the sitcom Birds of a Feather

Is there a plot hidden somewhere in this?

I think we’re meant to see blokey from This is England (again, he was awesome in that. Utterly vile) as a Colonel Kurtz type, but he’s just a realist. He didn’t want to kill that child. He just wanted to spare him pain. That a miracle saved him doesn’t mean he was making the wrong decision. In fact, he was being very brave.

There’s so much filler in this. Shots that serve no purpose. Gives me time to write though. Remember Three Kings? I think that has everything this film wanted to be. The monster design is pretty good (I just had my mother saying “now say something nice” in my head. My usual answer would be “They’ll die eventually”).

Why is US Army insignia velcroed on? Never got that. Comments if you know, cheers.

How did they find their way to the objective?

That local’s blood was blue. He had his brains blown out and the blood was blue. If your whole film is based around all humans being the same, that’s a pretty bad mistake.

I don’t think the monsters actually serve any purpose. They looked cool, but that was it.

This film isn’t just ham fisted. It’s sausage fingered and bacon palmed. And thankfully it’s over.




Corking Movies – Glimpses: On Guard, A Drunken Minisode

It’s the first ever Corking Movies Minisode! Basically, I’ll be drunk and watching weird stuff found in the nether regions of the Sky menu.

What a lovely idyllic town. No traffic. No. Wait.


At least one of the people is called Kenneth. Nailed on.

A nap of Kent. With some lines. Sevenfold. My family on my dad’s side is from round there.


Map of Kent
Map of Kent

How long before we see a roll up?

How ambulances work
How ambulances work
Here we see Kenneth handing a note to Kenneth.

I can see smoke, but no shot of the rolly.

Rolly time? Eight minutes in. Kenneth, you beaut.

So. An ambulance just stopped so a fellow could retrieve his bicycle and balloons? How did we survive the 60s?

Something very David Lynch about this. They stretchered off a young girl and it panned down to this.

This is actually getting dark. The music is jolly stirring though. The equipment is a little intimidating though.


Fortunately Kenneth put the fire guard in the way otherwise his next callout could have been HIS OWN HOME.

The End.