Independence Day 2: Resurgence – A Drunken Review

Independence Day 2: Resurgence

Independence Day 2 Poster

The first Independence Day was enjoyable enough. Never going to go down in cinematic history, but as a Saturday afternoon film? It works. With a simple formula like it had, it would be hard to mess things up, but apparently they have. Let’s see.

I will never purchase this wine again. Every sip causes my nostrils to fold in towards my earlobes.

That’s some quite poor CGI.

Bill Pullman is reading a history of the Luftwaffe. We were meant to see the book. I don’t know why.

We have some ‘regular folk in space’. You know they’ll save the day. I think I recognise one of them from another corking movie review. Now ‘regular folk’ have been grounded. So, they’ll disobey that to save the world.

A prison for aliens?

Jeff Goldblum. He would have stolen the show in Thor: Ragnarok, but Taika Waititi did. Is that Charlotte Gainsbourg?

There’s an alien ship in an area controlled by an African warlord. Sorry, but over 20 years, the US government or someone would have wiped him out.

Regular Guy In Space’s girlfriend belongs in an Asylum film.

“You’re shaking hands with the President.” Heh.

Is Regular Guy in Space a Hemsworth?

“Considering he died in a test flight.” Seriously. Is that how you ask a question of a bloke about his dad in a press conference?

They’re making a big deal of the Chinese/US partnerships.

I just heard a voice and thought it was Brent Spiner. I assumed he wouldn’t be in it. It wasn’t him I heard, but he is in it. I can’t think of anything else he’s been in for a while.

“Could you sound more English please? Our audience is largely made up of idiots. And a drunk but really cool guy.”

An Englishman’s way of speaking absolutely classifies him.
The moment he talks he makes some other Englishman despise him.
One common language I’m afraid we’ll never get.
Oh why can’t the English learn to set a good example to people who’s English is painful to your ears?

I THINK SOMETHING IS GOING TO HAPPEN

A really good ending to this would be like the end of Aliens: Book One.

First reaction of humans to something unknown? Open fire. Remember how that worked out in Earth vs. The Flying Saucers?

They blasted it back to Van Der Graaf Generator or something.

So, it seems the African warlord we’ve been involved with is actually one of the nice African warlords, not a bad one.

I think, if they could have, they would have had either Charlie Day or chappy from Parks and Recreations. Instead, they have this guy.

Regular Guy In Space Who May Be A Hemsworth’s girlfriend is the president’s daughter, I think (well, the ex president). I wonder if the original was the only other time she acted. I wonder if Harry Connick Jr. is in this.

They’re making a big deal of Bill Pullman’s speech from the first one. It’s not really a very good speech. This is a good speech.

They’ve stolen the Alien aesthetic.

This sequence looks like the video at the beginning of a themed roller coaster. Or a Cine 360.

William Fichtner showed promise as an actor when he came on the scene, but his career kind of disappeared. He had something like a minute in The Dark Night. He’s a very good actor, but he’s upset someone.

Stuff being sucked into the ship. It’s kind of like Prey. I loved the demo of that, and there was a lot that was cool about the game – the way the story unfolded, the ghost kids, the general setting, but the Native American mysticism seemed a little made up (and maybe offensive) and it took longer to install than it did to complete.

This section of the game freaked me out.

At least Goldblum acknowledged that aliens go for the landmarks. I hope that was a Goldblum improv, as I don’t want to give the writers any credit.

I’m no physicist, but I’m highly dubious of the physics here.

Security on Area 51 seems a little lax.

A bunch of kids. They won’t annoy me. There’ll probably be some whole “children are the future” thing.

There’s an actor who may be Colonel Tigh from Battlestar Galactica, which would be appropriate, because I thought the space battles in Battlestar Galactica were much better than this.

Another crappy speech. They surely had the budget to pay someone who could write a decent speech, rather than just cobble something together and run with it. Tom Stoppard rewrote the dialogue for Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade and that was fantastic.

The alien queen’s movement is ripped off that of the true alien queen.

This is no pretender…

Is this your first time at a harvester? (Sober edit –  no idea what I meant here)

We’re losing. We’re being wiped out. We’ll never survive. BUT THEN… SCIENCE! Bill Pullman looks CGI’ed now he’s shaved his beard off.

I’m not so sure why they’re using old technology. I may not have been paying attention.

This space battle is unexciting. Also impressed by how quickly they learned to fly alien ships. I want this to end so I can go to bed.

William Fichtner is doing a Big Speech to people around the globe. Again not well written.

They should have just let Charlotte Gainsbourg use her natural accent. It doesn’t matter where her two dimensional character is from. She’s too good an actress for this tripe. As is Jeff Goldblum, but he has been in some tripe. He gets a free pass though, as he seems like a nice guy (and friends of a friend met him and seem to back this up).

The highlight of the film so far was when I went to the toilet and did a Ric Flair walk back.

WhooooooO!
Whooooo!

End of game boss.

There can’t be 25 minutes of this left. Why is the alien queen chasing the school bus? IT DOESN’T MATTER OTHER THAN MAIN CAST ARE ON BOARD. Alien queen has a Destiny thing going on.

At least you don’t have to buy endless DLC to get to the end of this film.

If it stops more movies like this, I’d help the aliens end the world. It’d be for the greater good.

As plans go, this is right up there with Superman flying round the world until he travels back in time.

There’s shouting! There’s hollering! But there’s no acting.

You have to green screen that? Seriously?

Charlotte Gaisbourg’s character is actually French, it seems.

Five people wrote this script. Five. I bet there were even more doing the catering.

Larry Franco? He should know better.

It takes a lot of people to make a film this bad. There are 18 accountants. Caterers were Roland Gonzalez and Mario’s Catering. I don’t know if Roland works for Mario;s.

With the many people involved, how did nobody say “Look, stop, this is a complete mess.”

 

Monsters: Dark Continent – A Drunk Review

Monsters: Dark Continent. A drunk review

A regular visitor to this site informed me that he had started to watch this, but not finished it. He then told me he’d voted for it. I was tempted to block his IP.

Anyway, I have some nice new wine glasses I had for Christmas. Proper ones, not the little one I had been drinking from, so here goes.

Don’t remember too much about the original Monsters. I remember it being well received and I remember the scene at the end with the pylons.

Black screen. Gravelly voiceover. It’s Lego Batman!

Apparently the monsters have been stomping on cities in the Middle East (of course! The Dark Continent, which is… Africa). Anyway, the monsters have been stomping the cities, so the Americans have been bombing them, which has also been blowing up the cities, so the local people have been killing Americans, so the Americans have been killing them back. If you read my review of Bright, you’ll seen reference to heavy handed metaphor. This makes that as impenetrable as a Tarkovsky film (that’s just a reminder to you all that I do like good films, so you can vote for  something decent too).

The bearded sergeant is actually a very good actor. First saw him in The Fades. He was absolutely fantastic in this is England. The main actor is doing a lot of nostril acting.

Getting some buddy-buddy scenes here. They watch each other having sex, are there at each other’s children’s birth.

Bit disappointed. Said it was written by Tom Green, but it’s nowhere near as funny as Freddie Got Fingered.

Daddy do you want a sausage?

Oh. A group drug and sex scene. How pathetic and unnecessary. Seriously, you’ve just told me the film is aimed at adolescents, so any ham fisted political message is gone now. And that shot of the main character looking all thoughtful at the monsters being bombed? You’ve just given us a sort of cinematic shorthand message that he’s shallow (I fully appreciate that service people need to blow off steam before going away, but that’s not what you’ve told us in the previous scene). More binding scenes. This is just a film about testosterone.

Broforce!

Wobbly camera work. SO YOU FEEL LIKE YOU’RE THERE. Is there a machine that makes the camera wobble. It’s so artificial.

Can any American readers tell me… Do these accents sound as bad to you as they do me?

What’s the monsters motivation?

That soldier just took a picture that’s going to be used somewhere near the end. Credits maybe (sober edit. It wasn’t).

This is the worst planner ambush ever. Surely you’d make sure you had men either side, not just on one. Also, if there’s an extraction mission like this, wouldn’t they have air support ready? I could well be wrong on both counts. I’m not well versed on air support times.

I don’t think there’s much of a bigger picture in the film – it’s more of a human drama, only we’ve not been given much of a reason to care about the characters. It’s easier to empathise with the monsters.

This film could have been seriously compacted.

Why’s there a school bus (with apparently no driver) in the middle of the desert? And are school buses yellow to stop Americans bombing them? Yeah, I went there because I saw the original Wikileaks recording.

NOW WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? Is that the Brotherhood of the Cruciform Sword?

Is your soul prepared? This chap was also in Midnight Express, and the sitcom Birds of a Feather

Is there a plot hidden somewhere in this?

I think we’re meant to see blokey from This is England (again, he was awesome in that. Utterly vile) as a Colonel Kurtz type, but he’s just a realist. He didn’t want to kill that child. He just wanted to spare him pain. That a miracle saved him doesn’t mean he was making the wrong decision. In fact, he was being very brave.

There’s so much filler in this. Shots that serve no purpose. Gives me time to write though. Remember Three Kings? I think that has everything this film wanted to be. The monster design is pretty good (I just had my mother saying “now say something nice” in my head. My usual answer would be “They’ll die eventually”).

Why is US Army insignia velcroed on? Never got that. Comments if you know, cheers.

How did they find their way to the objective?

That local’s blood was blue. He had his brains blown out and the blood was blue. If your whole film is based around all humans being the same, that’s a pretty bad mistake.

I don’t think the monsters actually serve any purpose. They looked cool, but that was it.

This film isn’t just ham fisted. It’s sausage fingered and bacon palmed. And thankfully it’s over.

 

 

 

Corking Movies – Glimpses: On Guard, A Drunken Minisode

It’s the first ever Corking Movies Minisode! Basically, I’ll be drunk and watching weird stuff found in the nether regions of the Sky menu.

What a lovely idyllic town. No traffic. No. Wait.

JESUS. LOOK OUT KIDS! THAT AMBULANCE CAN DO UPWARDS OF SEVERAL MILES AN HOUR!

At least one of the people is called Kenneth. Nailed on.

A nap of Kent. With some lines. Sevenfold. My family on my dad’s side is from round there.

 

Map of Kent
Map of Kent

How long before we see a roll up?

How ambulances work
How ambulances work
Here we see Kenneth handing a note to Kenneth.

I can see smoke, but no shot of the rolly.

Rolly time? Eight minutes in. Kenneth, you beaut.

So. An ambulance just stopped so a fellow could retrieve his bicycle and balloons? How did we survive the 60s?

Something very David Lynch about this. They stretchered off a young girl and it panned down to this.

This is actually getting dark. The music is jolly stirring though. The equipment is a little intimidating though.

GET AWAY FROM THE FIRE KID!

Fortunately Kenneth put the fire guard in the way otherwise his next callout could have been HIS OWN HOME.

The End.

Bright – A Drunken Review

Bright

As there was some slight confusion with the poll this week, I’m taking matters into my own hands and watching Bright. Unlike most of what I watch, it’s only a day old. From trailers, it looks a lot like Shadowrun (the RPG for those that couldn’t choose between Cyberpunk and D&D)

Once, a dragon was voted in as president, but the designers didn’t like it and had him assassinated

My first concern is that this is a Will Smith film released direct to Netflix. This could be the start of an unfortunate trend in cinema. My other concern is that the different species may be a heavy handed metaphor for issues of race. Not that race isn’t an issue that needs to be discussed – it does. It’s just that having orcs representing people of colour runs the risk of trivialising things.

And yep. Heavy handed metaphor it is.

If a cop blamed his partner for being shot, would they really be put straight back together?

Orc walking through crowd. People laughing at the sign on his back. Before they see it.

Will Smith is an ass in this. Playing a racist cop.

Ricketty Cricket is going mad with a sword.

Let's get weird
Look. Every tramp in every film I review will be compared to Ricketty Cricket

Now Will Smith is not a racist cop. Not sure what his character is meant to be. He looks the same age as in Independence Day though.

The Dark Elves need three magic wands to raise the Dark Lord. Sounds like we’re in really badly written RPG script territory here.

Cannock Chase Castle
From Wikipedia – Cannock is a kingdom and one of the three kingdoms founded in Torland  the descendants of the Dragon Quest hero and Princess Gwaelin

I imagine the Dark Elves to be emo types. Probably listen to My Chemical Romance while playing Vampire:The Masquerade (look, this film is like an RPG I like, so you have to expect RPG references).

I like that claymore mines have “front towards enemy) stamped on them. Just in case.

If only Acme products were labelled like claymore mines

The Bright’s name is Tikka. Hope she doesn’t turn chicken. Korma is a bitch.

One of those film moments where a character could try and explain, but they just shout and threaten instead.

I think this film would have been happier being born in the 80s.

Noomi Rapace. We don’t see enough of her. Has she appeared in the MCU? If not, surely she has to at some point.

Does the orc cop have family? I think that’s kind of important.

Of course orcs like speed metal. Thought I saw Chester Bennington in the club. Then realised it couldn’t be, which was sad.

Do the police not turn up to shoot outs? Dark Elves are pretty badass.

This isn’t as bad as critical have made out (or to me it isn’t). It has flaws, but it’s enjoyable enough.

Agh. One of those “Why didn’t you do that earlier?” “Because the script.” moments. There’s no need for that. If you basically undo something you’ve just done, it’s just redundant.

The film’s becoming a bit rambling now. They could, and should, have wrapped it up by now. In the good old days, it would have just ended there. Maybe a smart arse quip to the Feds.

Way to oversell a joke.

Seriously. End it. The audience will remember the last moments. That’s why films have very little in the way of epilogue. It’s shoot shoot, explosions, quip, pan out to show scenes of devastation, credits.

 

Monday Update 18/12/17

It’s that day of the week again… Friday was not not good. Thanks to everyone who voted, I had to watch Left Behind. A film about the rapture starring Nicholas Cage, who has, on occasion, put in some wonderful performances. Left Behind is not one of those.

I was going to say I hope you’ll be kinder this week, but I don’t think it’s possible, looking at the options…

Alienator – An alien bounty hunter seeks out a death row escapee.

Pernicious – Girls on holiday on Thailand awaken a vengeful spirit.

Delta Force – Chuck Norris and Lee Marvin are ex special forces types called in to rescue hostages.

Monsters: Dark Continent – The sequel to Monsters. This time it looks like it’s a more direct action film set in the Middle East.

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
Start date 27-07-2017 18:30:09
End date 22-12-2017 19:59:59
Poll Results:
What review would you like to see on the weekend after 22/12/17

Left Behind – A Drunken Review

It’s the rapture! And Nicholas Cage has been… Left Behind. At least I had a bottle of wine to help me through my tribulations. Expect some drunken musing on all things cinematic and ecumenical.

Left Behind movie poster
Has Cage been airbrushed in?

It’s another Nick Cage special. Based on a badly written book about the end times. Did start reading it as a joke, but it was so badly written and offensive. Apparently, in the video game (yes…) there’s demons that come out of UN trucks. We’re in tinfoil hat territory here.

Left Behind Video Game
Left Behind – the video game.

I wish you were here to hear this music. And I was somewhere else. Wait. It’s part of a trilogy? Was there a reason that there were so many copies of the book Acts of God? Was it some sort of product placement?

The music. It’s infomercial material. Uh oh. Nicholas Cage took off his wedding ring. He’s a bad man.

You know that scene in one of the Modern Warfare games where you walk through the airport shooting civilians? I want that to happen to this airport.

Take that, Rayford Steel and Buck Williams.

Nicholas Cage’s daughter is an evangelical atheist. In about 10 minutes, she’s attacked some stranger about it and slagged off her own mother for being religious. I reckon she’ll come to see the light by the end of it. The writers think non believers are Bad People(tm). Now shes banging on about it to handsome investigative journalist man (it’s been  repeatedly pointed out  that’s what he is). The religious polemic is heavy handed as it gets. Captain Steel?

Random porter guy just rolled up and gave Captain Steel’s daughter two U2 tickets for her dad. Took him two weeks to find them. The people who write this stuff. They don’t actually experience real life, do they?

Now Investigative Journalist has walked into the aircraft cabin to hand Captain Steel the tickets. This is post 9-11.

His name isn’t just Captain Steel. It’s Captain Rayford Steel.

Angry midget is angry, Bad music is still playing. There’s so much badness going on, I’ve scarcely had chance to drink.

Mom just put her gloves on an obviously placed Bible. She’s religious, you see. She’ll be swept up in the Rapture.

Captain Rayford Steel is giving it the anti God stuff again. I’m an atheist,, but that’s just my thing. If people want to believe, that’s their thing.

That blocked road is the most blocked road ever. It’s about as subtle as the dialogue. Ironically it’s probably a metaphor that’s too subtle for me to get.

Stop it Rayford Steel. She’s young enough to be your daughter. And too young to be impressed by U2 tickets.

Remember in Steven Spielberg’s War of the Worlds where the heat rays left clothes behind? Well that’s what happens when people get Raptured. So what if the Steven Spielberg’s War of the Worlds aliens were just Rapturing people?

War of the Worlds Tripod
“Do not fear us. We are only trying to save your eternal souls.”

Muslim guy didn’t get Raptured. He just said “Alluha Akbar” when it happened.  I don’t think it;’s an expression of surprise.

I wonder if U2 were taken up in the Rapture? If so, those tickets were a waste of money.

There’s post rapture looting going on and some big bearded guy just legged it out with a whole load of dresses.

By the way, you know that thing about aeroplanes needing at least one atheist pilot in case of the rapture? Hopefully I don’t have to tell you it’s nonsense.

I love scenes where it sounds like everyone is screaming, but there’s nobody with their mouth open.

Captain Rayford Steel is trying to get his mobile to work in flight (it was already on and not in aeroplane mode) and is annoyed by the lack of signal.

A drug addict. Obviously not Raptured.

Guy was judgmental about midget’s gambling habit. So, basically, guy who cast first stone ascended (sober edit – I finally remembered what the real word was).

investigative journalist was speaking as if doing a report while taking stills pictures with a camera. He was broadcasting to no-one and he was not recording anything.

Both pilots on that plane ascended. Bad luck to the imperfect people on there. The whole Rapture thing was badly thought out. For many people there’s no opportunity for redemption. If God is real, there’s people who’ve not had the chance to find him, or have grown up in societies where another religion is predominant (and it’s seen as apostasy to teach any other kind of religion. There’s people who experience awful deprived lives. Should eternal damnation be warranted based on an accident of birth? Take the gambling midget in this. What if he started gambling (not exactly the worst sin) as a form of escape due to bullying and shit? The Muslim chap – if he was from Saudi Arabia, the opportunity to be ‘taught’ Christianity would be severely limited. Rich white Americans would be OK though. They’ve had easy lives. Their faith hasn’t been tested. I bet the writers of this would expect Trump and Pence to ascend.

“Mother, will Uncle Donald be coming to Heaven too?”

THAT DUDE SHOT A JUGGALO. It was a bit back, but I just remembered. He;d probably watched Batman and got confused. What about people like the Joker who are insane and do horrific things? If it’s like a chemical insanity, should they be punished? Some people’s brains are just wired wrong. The whole idea only those who are good and true going to heaven only works with a level playing field. You’re a parent. Your child is starving. You see a load of bread unguarded on a market stall. What do you do? If you are willing to risk your eternal soul to feed your child, that is about the most selfless thing you can do. But you are punished for it. At least with the Egyptian death myth, it’s about your moral balance.  If you have done what you believe to be right, you go on the up escalator.

Where did she get a gun?

I’m sure the Rapture, like this, isn’t actually in the Bible.

During the Tribulation, if someone shows themselves to be a True Believer, can they be plucked out? From what I’ve read, belief during the Tribulation will be so much harder than belief before it.

This feels like a pilot (ironically, Nicholas Cage doesn’t).

Ah. The gun belonged to an Air Marshall., to quote Nicholas Cage “The Air Marshall? I forgot about him.” The writers did too, it seems. It’s like they’d filmed the bits with the gun, then suddenly realised they hadn’t explained where it came from. Like a reverse Chekhov’s Revolver. We’ll call it Bay’s Automatic.

If the Rapture happened, I’d call round people I didn’t like (as I’m an atheist, I’d be stuck down here), and, if they answered, it’d be like “Get in.”

Victory baby
“So you’re stuck here too? Good.”

Also, if you lived and died pre-Rapture, and weren’t a True Believer, would that mean you went to Hell or Purgatory? At least if you were around when the Tribulation kick off, there’s some solid proof that there’s a God and stuff. Also, what happens if you lived and died BC? I imagine a lot of our readers won’t be religious sorts. I’d love someone who is to read this and answer my questions. Not in an “I’m Richard Dawkins and I want to tear down everything that helps you cope with life” kind of way, but with genuine interest. I’m not too proud to admit I’m wrong. At least I assume I’m not. Its just never happened yet.

More Heaven/Hell stuff. If you genuinely believed in Hell, you would not stop until everyone you cared about was converted, or you died trying. If you were to believe for a moment you had not done everything possible to convert people it would make you a terrible person (and I assume destine you for Hell). I once had a friend who was a Seventh Day Adventist. I asked him if he thought I was going to Hell. With a shrug of the shoulders he said “Yes”. Surely his lack of an attempt to save me was worse than if he’d seen me bleeding out at the side of the road? Also, if you believe in Hell, by having children, aren’t you at risk of creating a life that may end up in Hell? No matter how devout the parent, there’s always that risk (sober edit – I wrote a short story that touched on this that is published here – https://www.amazon.co.uk/Nightfalls-Notes-world-Thomas-Pluck-ebook/dp/B00AGCIO8C).

You know in Wayne’s World where they used stock footage to show the plane flying to the UK? This makes that look like Blade Runner 2049. I think, come the New Year, I’m going to buy, and watch, the other two films. And if I buy it, it means giveaway time.

Captain Rayford Steel’s daughter has cleared a path by the men at work signs. Turns out they weren’t a metaphor, just foreshadowing. I feel good for myself in that I didn’t fail to grasp a metaphor, but feel bad for the writers that even with my low opinion of them I still managed to overestimate them.

This film really doesn’t act as a debate about morality or belief or anything. It’s just a bad disaster movie.

One plus point. Nick Cage’s hairline is less ludicrous than Ghost Rider. Also, Evil Temptress Stewardess is remarkably attractive. I don’t care who did the catering. Everyone involved was either judgmental or greedy (both of which would possibly mean you get left behind).

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
Start date 27-07-2017 18:30:09
End date 22-12-2017 19:59:59
Poll Results:
What review would you like to see on the weekend after 22/12/17

Monday Update 11/12/17

So, Saturday, thanks to you lot, I watched Temple. Didn’t enjoy it. My review is here – Temple – A Drunken Review. I do keep promising myself that I will put something a little more palatable on the poll, but I know it’d never get vote for.  So, here are Friday’s choices:

Left Behind – The Rapture came! God decided not to allow Nicholas Cage into heaven. Probably because he’d seen Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance.

Invasion USA – The Russians invaded America, but they didn’t count on Chuck Norris. They should try it again now. I can’t imagine The Rock could face off the Russian Army single handedly.

Alienator – Some woman who looks a bit like Michael Bolton tracks down an intergalactic criminal.

Pernicious – A trio of girls go to Thailand and wake a vengeful spirit. Can’t see that ending well.

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
Start date 27-07-2017 18:30:09
End date 22-12-2017 19:59:59
Poll Results:
What review would you like to see on the weekend after 22/12/17

 

 

Temple – A Drunken Review

Temple. Three kids go looking for a temple in a Japanese forest. Like that’ll end well. One brave soul, fuelled only by the power of Guinness, braves the film so you don’t have to.

Temple Movie Poster
By the writer and director of Blair Witch and You’re Next (me neither)

Temple. At least the name doesn’t have any ambiguity. And we’re into the film without any production cards (is that the proper name?) or anything.

Some good torch work.

Apparently six children went missing. One of them looked very angry. There seems to be some rather pointless translations. You don’t need to tell us the book was called Folk Tales twice. We didn’t care the first time.

Folk Tales
Folk Tales!

Writer/director. Always a good sign.

I recognise the Japanese guy with the glasses.

Ooh, a child running out of shot. How original.

It’s Captain Pike!

Temple - Captain Pike
Beep beep beep

The Japanese language always seems like a no-nonsense sort of language. No vagaries. No ambiguity.

Don’t you dare be a found footage film. They’re just an excuse for bad film-making.

She’s a likeable sort of character. I sort of hope she doesn’t die. Her boyfriend is baby Ed Norton. Billy Friendzone is a bit creepy. I think we’re supposed to hope he doesn’t die. Doesn’t bother me if he does. I don’t think he will, but if he does, hope it’s quick.

I think Billy Friendzone kind of fancies Mr.Boyfriend in an “I’ll sleep with him to be with her” kind of way.

Folk Tales
Folk Tales Again!

They’ve stumbled across a narrative.

Folk Tales
Folk Tales! We don’t need the translation again!

This is well shot. However, we’re about 1/2 hour in and there doesn’t seem to be any story.

Folk Tales
Folk Tales! Seriously,
if you translate this again, I’ll punch myself in the head.

Yeah. They’re mendicant monks. Relax.

It’s a bad sign when you’re checking the time elapsed. Seriously, nothing of note has happened.

Nuts. Fell asleep. Rewind.

This seems to have high production values, but unknown actors (no disrespect, just don’t recognise them).

Billy Friendzone is filming them having sex. I still don’t think he knows which one he’d rather be with.

The storyline still hasn’t really started and we’re about halfway through.

I said just that I didn’t recognise the cast. They’re decent actors though. Just lost in a meandering script.

Kitsune. There was a World of Darkness book about them. I may still have it. Not that I was ever a goth nerd.

Vampire The Masquerade
One of the best PC RPGs ever.

Those stone figures are creepy. Maybe they know where the story is.

I think this was an indy film that was scripted and cast, but then had money thrown at it. The cast and script stayed, but the production values increased. Again, not knocking the cast, but you can tell they’re not film veterans. Not sure how. There’s just a certain something. Maybe it’s a self-belief that people only get after they’ve done a couple of films that comes through.

There’s a bigger story here about abortion. Maybe that’s the theme of the film but the director didn’t have the confidence to make it the focus. Maybe it was just some character background that was used to fill time.

A lot of torch work going on. Make up for a lack of anything else with scary torch work.

Oh. A twist. How clever. Well done. Oh. Another twist. Double twist backfire. You must be so proud. Wonder who did the catering.

Guinness – The Royal Oak, The Emerald Club, The Molineux, The Emerald Club, The Royal Oak £various

Double Ice Backfire
Double Ice Backfire!
This poll is closed! Poll activity:
Start date 27-07-2017 18:30:09
End date 22-12-2017 19:59:59
Poll Results:
What review would you like to see on the weekend after 22/12/17

Monday Update 05/12/2017

It’s the first Monday update of December. Friday seems like a long time ago. Maybe that’s the effects of watching America 3000.

So, there’s some new films for you to vote for.

First up is Invasion USA, with Chuck Norris, because cheese always goes nicely with wine.

Second, we have have Jessabelle. Last chance saloon for this ghost story should it fail to register any votes.

Third, Left Behind. Nicholas Cage fails to go to heaven and ends up facing the tribulations.

Finally, new to the list, Temple. Some American kids look for a lost Japanese temple.

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
Start date 27-07-2017 18:30:09
End date 22-12-2017 19:59:59
Poll Results:
What review would you like to see on the weekend after 22/12/17

America 3000 – A Drunken Review

Murica!

The poster has a sort of monkey man, called Argh the Awful, holding a boom box and the Stars and Stripes. It’s by the Cannon Group. My wine is £4 a bottle. I don’t hold up much hope for this evening.

Wow. That’s some blurry text. So. 900 years ago the world was nuked. Now it’s ‘woggos’ which apparently means crazy.

900 years. I’m not sure how far back a nuclear war would set us, but I assume it wouldn’t be tobl anything near AD 0. Even if it set us back to something like the 10th Century, we’d have restored civilisation to the 19th Century or something. Unless, as the whole film is about a post nuclear society run by women and the writer has some mysoginistic message about women being unable to build a society. I doubt it though. It’s more that he has/had a sort of slave fantasy thing happening. The 80s guitar soundtrack is massively out of place. The voice over is in that weirdly weirdly chirpy comedic fashion that “A Boy and his Dog” has.

Future review, maybe? While since I saw it.

Apparently it “doesn’t take much to set the fraus off” (according to the narrator). This film wouldn’t pass the Bechdel test.

The women look like they are from G.L.O.W. Their acting is marginally worse.

Maybe that’s what the film needed – trash talking.

Sorry. It’s Argh the Terrible, not Argh the Awful (sober edit. It was Argh the Awful after all).

I’m sorry, this whole regressing back to the dark age (sober edit. Past the dark ages, way past) is bugging me. Society evolved once, it would again. Also the fact that 90% of the dialogue is narration, because the writer can’t show and has to tell and when there is dialogue, it’s in some pidgin English that you can’t understand, so the narrator has to translate.

Is this film the reason the right are so afraid of women? Apparently “seeding is a cold act”. Probably for the writer of this mess.

“Mother, I saw this film. The women ran the world. And there was a monkey thing. That can’t happen, can it mother?”

“Plugarts got negi smarts.” That’s the sort of dialogue I’m having to deal with, so you don’t have to. That example is pretty standard for this film. It’s not a case of generally it’s normal, but there’s the odd person who speaks slang. Also, why do the men and women share a dialect if they don’t exist together? And why is there a dead chap at the console of that bunker that is, it seems, bomb proof and there’s no sign of violence? And why is what appears to be a laser gun still charged? Surely, if it has some sort of battery, even unused, it would drain over 900 years? Is he going to find some Fancy Lad Snack Cakes?

“Best Before.” That’s just a recommendation, right?

The president’s bunker has an old arcade cabinet in it.

I hate when they use current guns and put bits on. Like he’s got a Steyr Aug with some lights on, and it’s supposed to be a laser gun.

There’s some Roman-esque old guy looking for young men and boys he refers to as ‘toys’. A little on the creepy side. The narrator has gone away, which is nice, but is done mean the main guy is speaking more. And there’s some horrible glockenspiel music.

They’re turning the freed “machos” (futurespeak for slaves) into men by dipping their heads in water (sober edit – I was going to say something about this being a baptism metaphor at the time, I think).

Corvus, known now as President (assumedly because of the amount of cheese in the film) rides in, blasting some 80s rock.

Murica!

Seriously, is this how the director sees sex?

What was that film – Beyond the Forbidden Zone? Starchaser or something? Watched it a few times. If there was a golden age of sci-fi, that and this were from its Bronze Age, that post Star Wars desperation to cash in.

Where is all the hair spray coming from? Who was the narrator talking to? He’s stepped down now – he’s just being Corvus’s best mate. Is the final scene going to be him speaking to a bunch of kids of both genders? Also, who raised Corvus and his pal? I don’t recall seeing any older chaps. This has a large cast.

I was about to ask how so many could allow such stupidity to happen

Oh. Not only does the President’s bunker have an arcade cabinet, it has a pinball table. Also, the President’s bunker looks like a cheap motel room. Where, it seems, he was expected to live. Forever.

I get the feeling that the writer and director was doing both at the same time.

In this, some men are kept around the women’s homes. They are emasculated and have their tongues cut out. I think that is supposed to be the writer’s take on espionage.

While men and women are dying, the president is enjoying himself in the bunker.

Guess it’s accurate after all

For a cheap wine, this was tolerable. Argh the Awful is sad. Therefore I am sad.

The creepy Romanesque guy was Israel’s first mime, apparently.

Wait. Men and women *can* live together? All it takes is for two hot people to make out in front of them? To be honest that just makes me uncomfortable. I’m kind of reminded of the book Venus in Furs, in which the message is that two people can’t have a relationship without there being a master and a servant. I recommend you read it. It’s writer gave rise to the word ‘masochism.’ The opposite term comes from the Marquis de Sade. I don’t recommend you read 100 Day of Sodom by him. Seriously. It’s a couple of hundred years old and I was unable to stomach it.

As I watched this on Netflix, I didn’t get to see who did the catering.

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
Start date 27-07-2017 18:30:09
End date 22-12-2017 19:59:59
Poll Results:
What review would you like to see on the weekend after 22/12/17