- Reviews

Apocalypse Rising

Sober edit – there are spoilers, but I suggest you don’t watch this one anyway. In fact, I beg you not to, for your own good.

A little shorter than Beloved Beast this one. A sprint rather than a marathon.

We’re starting with Bosch and dramatic music. And it’s directed by the author of the book. Not often a good sign. See Maximum Overdrive for details.

That was some marvellously on the nose dialogue. Creature design is OK, and the gore effects are nice and traditional. CGI is less impressive.

Is that rocket meant to be that… phallic? Seriously, it’s just a big cock and balls.
“Do you feel it?”

I hate hippy stuff in sci-fi.

Oh no. Surely not.

I’ve no idea what’s going on. Is that zombie Jesus? Am I risking my eternal soul by watching this?

What was that old point and click game? Space Vixens or something (sober edit – It was Sex Vixens from Space)? The ship in that was just about as phallic.

Zohar (sober edit – no idea. Tweet me if you know why I wrote this).

Surely his eyes would have misted up or something after death. Fishes do, that’s why they put googly eyes on them. Where did the brunette come from?

More on the nose dialogue. If this planet turns out to be Earth, I’m writing ‘bastard’ on my leg in biro.

“The Dead Sea Site”? Is that mean to be “the” Dead Sea? If so, does it usually have valley girls around it.

Is this actually a sexual comedy? More on the nose stuff. Does this have a religious message, or is it a comedy? Would the Pope really come out and say that religion is not to blame for the Middle East?

Jerusalem has actually changed in the last 2000 years.

Watching this film is like having a five year old son. Every couple of minutes, you think “Oh God, what now.”

Magnum (crap name by the way) actually believes he can do comic delivery. He can’t.

So that’s why his eyes haven’t misted up.

Yeah. This is definitely supposed to be a comedy.


They should have just gone for it and made an actual porno, rather than this thing. At least I wouldn’t have had to watch it.

Is this pro or anti Christianity?

Apparently The Dead Sea is disappearing. They reckon it’s got about 30 years left. I may actually be around to witness it. Just.

Nice paper mache head. Remember that bit in Secret of Monkey Island when you needed the severed head to guide you? Second point and click reference in the review.

Nice going morons, you’ve released the zombies. All of whom are in Western clothes, because OH GOD THIS IS BALLS.

That was probably the worst scene I’ve seen since I started this site. Well done. This film is probably ideal for incels. And they deserve each other.

This is a book, right? Just what sort of confused mess is that?

Was she wearing white before?

He pays for acting classes. You can tell. He should ask for a refund.

The ending was disappointing. Disappointing in that it didn’t come soon enough.