- Reviews

Death Kiss

by guest reviewer Spencer Hackett

Let’s get the formalities out of the way here before we get into this. Death Kiss is directed by Rene Perez and stars Robert Bronzi as a Charles Bronson-esque anti-hero with the face of Charles Bronson. The films basically been sold on the idea that this is the Death Wish film people wanted, not the Bruce Willis, Eli Roth film from earlier this year, notably having the tagline “justice has a familiar face” cus if you hadn’t guessed, Bronzi looks like Bronson. I read somewhere he was a stunt double for Bronson prior to this new found acting work, but I’m not really in the mood to look up if this is true having just sat watching this. Bronzi worked with Perez on his last film, with many of the cast being past collaborators (Richard Tyson has been in bags of em, along with Stormi Maya doing a few). This is Perez’s 17th film since 2010 when he started, I think he thinks he’s the western Takashi Miike (he isn’t, not by a long shot). Anyway let’s get on with this review, bags of spoilers ahead but you shouldn’t care cus probably won’t want to see it anyway.

Corking Movies
“Don’t waste your money”

Rad synth, that’s a good start.

That knockout swing did not connect, no way. I know they don’t want to hurt the actors, but even so, it was in another state than the guy.

This scenes really dark, I’m at full brightness on my laptop and it’s still really dark.

That was some nice blood spray.

It’s not just that first scene that was dark…

This is feeling very pro trump, Daniel Baldwin’s basically just said racism doesn’t matter cus there are paedos …

Was that the Gears of War logo? I swear they just used the GoW logo for the films logo.

This soundtrack’s like someone asked for hip hop mixed with 80’s synth.

Editor – This is still cool, right?

Where did his scarf go? It was there and then it was gone, like that *clicks fingers*

“You don’t have to worry about things like that happening here” I think you will kid… (she didn’t, I’m disappointed…)

There’s some bad focus pulling going on here.

I won’t spoil the awesome badass line. (I changed my mind, you don’t want to watch this film. So the thug’s like “how much you got?” and Bronson’s like “6” and then the other thugs like “6 dollars?” and then Bronson says “bullets” and shoots them) 

Why did Bronson put his gun away, to pull it out again and shoot the people he already shot when the gun was out the first time?

Was this shot on DSLRs, that went proper wobbly.

Has the guy that plays Bronson died his hair, it’s very dark?

I don’t really know what just happened, why did that guy just vomit? Oh Daniel Baldwin’s going to tell me, never mind.

Oh my god this film has some fucked up message – Baldwin’s now saying that police shouldn’t help domestic abuse victims. This is horrible. For one I don’t think the writers actually know what domestic abuse is. I’ve seen films with bad treatment of issues, with offensive representation, but to just have a character just outwardly say these things is horrendous. Also this camera-work is appalling.

Is Bronson dubbed? That line didn’t match up. He is. There’s no way that’s his voice from this scene, he may have re recorded the lines but he defo isn’t speaking them in this scene.

Ouch, I’ve just thrown my headphones off because for some reason we needed to hear the kettles squeal really loud out of nowhere.

Why would you apologise for tea being hot, that’s how tea works?

Don’t drink tea with the bag still in, that’s just weird.

I know colour grading can be a pain but these shots don’t match up. Especially here everyone has a weird slightly green face, like they’ve made all the shadows green.

You can tell Bronson is a stunt man not an actor.

The darkness is back.

“Young Billy” doesn’t look very young. That may because I can only see half his face for some reason.

“Let him do the guy” has some different connotations after spending ages talking about willies.

“Quit being a f*cking punk billy” says the guy dressed in punk clothes.

Bins are not seats.

That’s some decent gore to be fair, it has been throughout. Unlike the acting.

This bad guys got a serious head wobble on. I’m guessing he thinks it’s that over exaggerated thing that’ll make him creepy, but he just looks daft.

There are occasional moments of badassery, but they’re in the middle of not very badass things.

Someone’s proud of their steady cam.

I was hoping this film would have bad copy pasted muzzle flashes. I have not been let down. Editor – Love those. Especially when the gun doesn’t move.

Why’s Bronson running like he’s shit himself?

That has to be the worst first person camera I’ve seen, Hardcore Henry this is not, Hardbore Barry more like.

They made a big deal of the sound of the splashes of this guys footsteps, then in the next shot they’re silent.

There’s some really strange shit going on here. For one, Bronson’s a dick. Also hasn’t this woman been through enough without being forced to kill someone? This is literally what the bad guy just did to her husband. (This never came up again, this character existed to show her boobs, be raped and then bullied into murdering someone by Bronson, none of which has needed to happen. We already knew the bad guy was bad so Bronson could have just busted in and shot everyone no problem)

Has Bronson gone after this bad guy before? He said “keep’s coming after me” but we haven’t seen it.

Hello darkness my old friend…

Of course Bronson’s still out there, no one’s shot him at all, he wasn’t going to just drop dead.

Oh my god this film has so much ppppppppppppppaaaaaaaaaaaaaaddddddddddddddiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnggggggggggggg

Death Kiss, sponsored by your friendly local NRA member.

I think they’ve written Bronson to be like Solid Snake, that he repeats the last few words of people’s sentences dramatically, but it comes of more like Dougie from Twin Peaks: The Return.

God this bits so tedious. I don’t care about the daughter. This film doesn’t have any heart. Also can we have some music? It’s awkward.

Bronson’s called K, but I’m going to keep calling him Bronson. K makes me think of Blade Runner 2049, a film I’d much rather be watching. 

Slo mo gun porn time, with Ray Ban product placement. Also why did the woman who doesn’t own a gun have ear defenders and protective shooting glasses lying around?

Take that Sprite!!!

Bronson’s very proud of doing that one armed shotgun cocking thing.

I like he’s just left his shotgun behind. That can’t be cheap, Bronson charity.

Why is there half an hour left!!!!! WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What do you bet the cash register guy doesn’t have to kill anyone like the woman from earlier? Nope he didn’t have to, Bronson just hates victims I guess.

Love that Bronson waited till he saw boobs before saying that he isn’t in it for sex and that wasn’t what he wanted. He isn’t very smooth.

Ok Baldwin, how does one look like a criminal? He’s said it’s not a race thing, but by his description it is. Using African Americans shooting a baby in the face and mugging a woman in his story BUT HE’S NOT RACIST. Oh god this is seriously terrible. And each time he does this he tries to make out that he isn’t racist but let’s be honest, when you have to argue you aren’t racist, you’re probably racist. This is literally so horrendous and offensive and it’s clearly trying to justify it all, I’m surprised he hasn’t kicked off about Antifa, Me Too or Black Lives Matter yet. Actually he’s basically moved on to that now. It’s so stereotypical modern America it’s terrifying. I’m almost waiting for Sacha Baron Cohen to appear and it turn out to be a massive Who is America skit.

I swear the one goon is the same guy they killed earlier.

This is the worst shootout I’ve ever seen. I have no idea where anyone is, also the music is setting no pace or urgency. The only thing going for it is the blood which is entertaining but it’s just getting so dull.

Oh he was after this guy because it was a shootout with him that paralysed the little girl?

Nice stock wolf footage.

Well that’s 85 minutes of my life I won’t get back. I’ll level with you, when it got to around half an hour left I got bored so did a drawing of Bronson instead with the film on in the background. I think this film thinks it’s cool and edgy, that it’s sticking it to left leaning people. The thing is though – 1. You (Perez) just look like a prick who’s just defending wife beaters and promoting racism, and 2. You clearly don’t have the confidence or belief to back up those sentiments because you have to justify that you aren’t racist or sexist (actually you never bothered with denying they were sexist). I wouldn’t usually harp on about this but the film is so heavily skewed in the that direction it’s impossible not to. The treatment of the sexual violence stuff was horrendous, worst level grind-house stuff and it seemed to be proud of it. Even without that it would be a waste of time, a blandly shot, dull as dishwater unexciting and un-thrilling action/thriller. I’m genuinely shocked this is getting a physical release, or any release that isn’t just being put on YouTube for free. I cannot urge you enough, DO NOT, repeat DO NOT, watch this film, DO NOT give money to this film. If you had considered seeing this and still want to spend some money, give however much money the DVD or rental or whatever would cost you to a women’s shelter, or a charity to help young people get out of crime, or a rough sleeper. Then you’ll have done good, probably pissed off Perez and saved yourself 85 minutes to watch something actually worth your time.

Some charities we’d like to recommend are:
Women’s Aid