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X-Men Apocalypse – A Drunken Film Review

Drunken review #4 X-Men Apocalypse (written as I go, which means more words and less coherence!)

OK, from the opening sequence and credits, if this isn’t a cross between X-Men, Stargate and Hudson Hawk, I’ll be disappointed.

No, wait, this underground cage fight thing. It’s like something from an 80s post apocalyptic film that would have a musician like Mick Jagger or Debbie Harry or someone.

Oh, hey cultists, if only you’d thought to leave the blanket off your pyramid hole, you could have had your God back. Good job Moira MacTaggert was there to do it for you.

This film feels like X-Men 3. Not sure why. Maybe it’s a palpable drop in quality. Maybe it’s that they’ve brought in big characters for what looks like the last film in a series – Beast in X-Men 3, Nightcrawler and Angel in this.

Ooh! It’s going to turn into a fish out of water comedy. “He was an Egyptian god, just trying to make it in the modern world.”

And thanks for telling us what Apocalypse means Professor Exposition.

Hey look! Richard O’Brien and Dave Hill!

Archangel’s CGI wings look awful. Michael Fassbinder is very, very good in this. That ‘joke’ about the third film being the worst? Maybe you should have left that out. That was your Gerald Ratner moment.

No! Only The Fall can use Symphony No.7 (trailer to feature below. I f***ing love that film).

I think they just massively overdid the Quicksilver thing, like a Peter Kay joke.

Watching superhero films is kind of like being a Wolves fan. Often, you watch more out of duty than enjoyment. This is Wolves Blackburn for the last two seasons.

Nightcrawler plays synth in a My Chemical Romance tribute band. They’re called My Comical Bromance, but only because it’s the first thing they thought of where the words sounded the same. He’s written his own stuff, but the other band members won’t play it. His mom doesn’t seem to recognise him. Shit! Was that Adam Richman?

Wine review. Either this is a low percentage wine, or my tolerance has increased.

As this is spoiler free… Based on other recent Marvel films, this bit is poor. And confused.

Is Cyclops baby Barry Pepper? Remember that awful Barry Pepper montage from We Were Soldiers? That and Battlefield Earth are his legacy, which is a shame, because he was good in Saving Private Ryan and at least one other film.

Beast looks like Teen Wolf!

Look out, Andrew Lloyd Webber! Those cargo containers look deadly. A big bridge. That’s why it felt like X-Men 3. That had a big bridge.

Hey look! A big X! For X-Men! And now they’re all using their powers in sequence! Go team!

Didn’t realise Moira MacTaggert was married to Bobby Cannavele. She’s an awful actor. Looks a bit like Gillian Anderson, bit if you watch American Gods, the difference in talebt is immense. The Station Agent is a great film. This isn’t. They’ve set things up for the next X-Men film. Which will probably be a reboot, so it won’t matter anyway. There’s been some great superhero films recently. Oh wait, I think we’re done. As I was saying, there’s been some great superhero films recently. One involving a character from this.

You want fame? Well fame costs

Yellowwood Cabaret Sauvignon. 12.5% (told you it was a bit weak). About six quid.