Justice League – A Drunken Review

Justice League Official Poster
Justice League Official Poster

(Sober edit – there are spoilers.)

Corking Movies is going Big Budget. I had an offer for a film rental for 99p, so I went with Justice League. I’m football drunk after a day celebrating Wolves’ promotion to the Premier League.

Ooh. Serious music over production credits start. Then DC’s attempt to do the Marvel starting flicker.

Why does Superman’s face look CGI’d? (Sober edit. I did some research – it was because they did a reshoot and he’d grown a moustache for another film and couldn’t shave it off). That rooftop looks very much like a set.

Wait. Metropolis. Star City. Jump City. Gotham. They’re all fictional, right? But there’s Paris? London? How does that whole thing work with fictional and real locations in a fictional world? Also, using Bowie and Prince? I’m not sure if that’s in poor taste.

Wonder Woman just exploded a door with her face, I think.

The word ‘beat’ must be all over this script.

“Boo-ya!”

This film is two hours, exactly. I think it could be shorter.

The Amazonians have just opened a loot crate Jim Sterling won’t be happy.

Steppenwolf
Get yer motor running

Steppenwolf just wants to be loved. He’s not a bad villain, to be fair. There’s a lot of hokum around the Amazonians. I know they’re an ancient magical race, but there’s a lot of hokum.

Steppenwolf uses Unity to shape worlds? Does that mean it’ll be all store bought assets?

Surely he should have gone to meet The Flash as Batman? Just in case he didn’t want to join. He talks more like Lego Batman than Batman. Too many little quips.

I wish Cyborg was more like the real Cyborg.

Cyborg with a dog hand
Isn’t this so much better than someone moping around in a hoody?

Steppenwolf keeps speaking to Mother. Is he Mike Pence?

“Mother, I saw this film. The women ran the world. And there was a monkey thing. That can’t happen, can it mother?”

Flash isn’t quite as annoying as he seemed from the adverts.

Changed my mind. He is annoying.

WTF is the Bat Crab about? It’s too much. Too ‘big’.

I thought Aquaman had a trident, not a… quinqudent.

Did Cyborg do a Dr.Strangelove?

Why not finish off a bad film with a bad cover version?

A League of Their Own
Look, Lex, this is what happened the last time someone siggested that

Gehenna: Where Death Lives

Gehenna: Where Death Lives

Gehenna Poster
Gehenna Poster

SOBER EDIT – This probably has minor spoilers. Not major, but I am drunk when I write these…

The description of this wine (19 Crimes Rebellion) says that it uses rum soaked barrels. Often, when there’s a description like that, there’s only a slight flavour, but this has a real rum kick. I’m tempted to drink it from a coconut. Anyway, onto the film, Gehenna, featuring Doug Jones and Lance Henriksen. It’s released 04/05.

Apparently, when the conquistadors approached the cities of the Aztecs, they could smell the blood. The last time I saw someone’s face removed in a film, it was a HP Lovecraft based film. I passed on my collection of his books when I read some of his horribly racist poetry. Apparently he reneged on his deathbed, but it was just too much.

She’s in the water screaming for Doug. Did Doug Jones get carried away by The Shape of Water and Hellboy and actually believe he could breathe underwater. I kind of assume Saru can survive underwater.

I don’t think I’ve seen Lance Henriksen since Hellraiser 8. Shame. He’s absolutely amazing in Near Dark and absolutely nails it as Bishop in Aliens. The way he volunteers to crawl through the ducts despite not wanting to. A film moment that will always stick.

That dude’s hat is the same as the one my old Aunt Lucy toy (Sober edit: I know the sentence makes no sense, but you get the idea).

The hat is actually nothing like. My drunken memory failed me. There was a hat in my youth that looked like the one he was wearing.
Vaas
WWII bunkers on a Pacific island? Time for another picture of Vaas

Whilst watching this, I have to admit, I’m stealing the odd glance at Twitter (Sober edit – @corkingmovies if you’re interested in following me). There’s a bit going down with Trump at the moment. Potentially a tape is close to surfacing. Pee, Stormy or illegitimate child? Who knows. I’d update you, but by the time I type this up, it’ll have broken.

This wine is sort of interesting, but I’m not sure I’d have it again over some of the other 19 Crimes I’ve had. Incidentally, the crime reads “Stealing Letters, Advancing the Postage and Secreting the Money”. All of their wines have a crime on the cork. Kind of wish I’d saved others. Build a set.

There’s mines under my house. My parents’ is built on a mining raft, apparently.

One dude looks a bit like Adam Sandler, the other like Domnhall Gleeson part way through The Last Jedi. Not bought that yet. Saw it on release night. I think I need to watch it again to form an opinion. It’s like it’s written for kids. Like I was when Star Wars got its claws in me. I don’t think it was written with mumble mumble year old blokes in mind, and I need to watch it like it wasn’t.

That zombie attacking was Muppets-esque. I was meant to be afraid, but it made me giggle. I wish you could see it.

Would you get a mobile signal in a WWII Japanese bunker? There’s parts of my office where I struggle.

OK. Trump thing has gone quiet, but we have just hit Syria. So, WWIII might start before the end of the review.

The driver is an interesting and amusing character, but in the wrong film The cast gernerally are OK. They wouldn’t be out of place in a bigger budget film. That Japanese officer was actually quite gripping.

There was a note there from the original Deus Ex. God that was a wonderful game.

Alan Partridge
“Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave”

“You were born of me, therefore I have the right to kill you.” That is so messed up. I think this would have been better as an entirely Japanese film, like Ring, or The Grudge, or Spirals.

Pepe is a better serious character than he is a comedy sideshow. He was misused at first.

We had that awful zombie effect, but this is genuinely unsettling. The tone and quality of this film is oddly uneven. When it’s horrifying, it is effectively so, but there are moments that don’t quite fit.

Sorry. The timing of this strike on Syria. It stinks. Maybe I’m being foil hatty. Funny. We all know she’s not, but May looks stateswomanlike in her speech. Her stock will rise as a result, Trump’s upcoming embarassment will go away. How’s Macron doing? This is not, it seems, an UN intervention. Rachel Maddow’s speech is amazing and terrifying.

This film isn’t that bad. It’s just that the whole WWIII thing is kind of distracting. I said before, but if it was a Japanese film, it would have been better (for me). I think we kind of ignore the rough edges in foreign films.

By all accounts, the Syrian army are seeing this as a kind of victory. Wonder what would have happened if Trump hadn’t warned them in advance by tweet. He gets to look the big man and Putin isn’t pissed off.

I wish WW3 would have started during House on Elm Lake instead. This is much better.

Oh snap! This is an unexpected ending. Ah. Makes sense.

This s one of those films that had some good ideas, some decent acting, and some really messed up moments, but didn’t quite hang together to become a very good film. I’d recommend it over the likes of Insidious, for example, though. So yeah, give it a go.

Catering… Comand performance Catering. They sound badass.

Oh. Watch after the credits. Bizarre.

 

The House on Elm Lake – A Drunken/Hungover Review

Amateurville Horror

House on Elm Lake Official Poster
House on Elm Lake Official Poster

“We’ve got Neves. Who? Super Neves, I just don’t think you understand.”

Sorry, just back from the football and I think I’ve just seen the best goal I’ll ever see. Which is sort of sad in a way, like when Ian Curtis made it in America and realised he had nothing else to achieve. Anyway, I’m football drunk (the best kind), so we’d best start the film before I fall asleep.

I started watching another film, but the wobbly camera and music made me feel unwell. I’ll probably try again at the weekend.

Is that Harold Shipman?

Harold Shipman
Harold Shipman

You know when something is meant to be absolutely terrible in a film, but you find yourself unable to care? That.

Obvious ADR.

You know when they do one of the ‘making a video’ episodes in The Apprentice? The bloke here remindes me of that. There is a real lack of chemistry between the family.

That garage is a bit more like a barn.

He’s found the Necronomicon! My copy of the limited edition book is signed by Bruce Campbell. He called it a strange smelling old book.

I think this sex scene was written by Shaun Hudson or James Herbert. You know those 80s horror stories that, when you got them from the library, they fell open at certain pages?

I can imagine a creepy old ghost man would be a bit of a mood killer.

This has become a hangover review.

A girl in a haunted house with an invisible ghost friend. Good idea that has never been done before.

Amityville Horror
Nope. Never

No. This is one of those Apprentice advert episodes, where one of the team thinks they are are a professional director and another thinks they are a professional actor, despite being a recruiting agent from Croydon and the owner of a marginally succesful beauty salon chain from Tadcaster.

Alan Sugar
Pull my finger

If a friend of mine was freaking out about a sinsiter book they found in a house where somebody done a bad murder, I’d like to think I wouldn’t be so stupid as to buy them a Ouija board.

Querioo? Can’t you use Google or anything without permission? (Hungover cleared edit – you can’t. Querioo is a fake search engine – http://www.querioo.com/)

Also, if I were freaking out about a haunted house, I don’t think I’d leave my child there with a babysitter. And if I weren’t reviewing this, I’d stop and watch something else. I have a hankering for an 80s horror in the vein of Ghoulies.

Would you really go to a church to meet a psychic?

This shed is a portal to hell. Awesome.

Jesus. Where did they find this babysitter?

And is this restaurant scene being shot in someone’s living room? I feel like I’m being incredibly harsh on this, but so far it has absolutely no redeeming features. I’m sorry to all involved, but I can’t in good conscience say any different.

Seriously, you’d take a kid to the doctors with an open sore like that.

The voice effects are hilarious. See? I said something nice.

Look out! Naked Harold Shipman’s coming.

Disappointing. Naked Harold Shipman said he was going to peel the layers off one layer at a time. Instead, he just split her head with an axe (from a distance, so you didn’t see anything).

Not sure where the daughter is. I sort of zoned out.

What a bollocks ending.

I’m sure the ghost kid is actually zombie Ray Parlour.

Ray Parlour
“Whooooo…. I’m a ghost”

Party Bus To Hell – A Drunken Review

Party Bus to Hell Poster
Party Bus to Hell Poster

Well that was a mental evening’s football. 2 injury time penalties missed. Don’t think I’ve ever seen it. Last week we won with nine players on the pitch. Anyway, it’s time for Party Bus to Hell, which is due for DVD/Blu-ray release next Friday (13th April).

(Sober edit – there may be minor spoilers ahead. I only remember a night of violence and nudity).

Quick Slash, get out of there!

“Everything you say, they’ll turn against you.” I’ve been in relationships like that.

“I hate mummies.” Obviously seen the film with Tom Cruise.

I think the bus driver… I did NOT expect that. I’ve actually thought that a few times. It’s just the first time I wrote it.

OK. Regular readers will know I often get annoyed by the fact that a lot of horror films have casts where you don’t care if they live or die. This film deals with that in an interesting way. I think you’re actually encouraged to want them to die. Which they do, in droves, creatively, shockingly and violently.

Stop! Hammer time!

MC Hammer
He’s so proud of that phone.

OK. I think the biggest jerk is going to end up being the hero of the film.

Stock female scream. Every group violence scene. It’s the female Wilhelm Scream. The Wilhelmina scream?

The biggest jerk kind of reminds me of Dave Gahan (legend).

Dave Gahan
Enjoy the Violence

“Dead. It’s a side effect of being murdered.”

I was about to say that something about this reminded me of House of 1000 Corpses. Then, the evil priest dude takes off his mask and he looks like Sid Haig. I might go for an upside down head soon, but my beard’s going in a couple of weeks.

At least the psycho monk dude is friendly.

If I had to rely on the contents of my backpack to survive, I think I’d be in trouble. Some biros, a notepad and a 2000 AD trade hardback. Oh, and a big rubber band ball.

Backpack contents
Yeah. I don’t think I’m going to be fighting evil with that lot. Unless I can launch a biro into someone’s eye with an elastic band.

The bus driver is awesome. Her and the girl with the cyberpunk headgear are the most engaging. And the venture capitalist chap.

There’s lots of bits that are making me laugh here, but I’ll let you see them yourself.

My brother once found a scorpion in his bed on holiday. No. My brother was on holiday.

Scorpions
I hope it’s got that annoying whistling stuck in your head too

Now if the chosen one is supposed to be a virgin and there’s one virgin on the bus. Not sure I like the morality of this.

Again. I didn’t expect that.

I’m not sure this’ll go down too well at the church cinema group. A lot of sex and violence. I think the sex sort of took over the film for a bit, whereas I’d mainly come for the violence.

Nice 80s style monster effects. Think The Howling.

I was expecting something to happen similar to a scene in this…

Ghoulies 2
Maybe I should rewatch this as a drunken review

I called that wrong.

One of the few days I didn’t go on the bus with the lads for the football (I was in the International Lounge, seeing how the other half live), they lost the deposit because someone was sick. I think this lot might lose theirs.

I’m not sure how the opening ties in with the rest of the film.

Is that Bono? OK. For a brief moment from the back. I think I recognise this dude.

For a moment, I thought she was going to magic Love Shack onto the radio. If I was a demon, I think that’d be my power.

The B52s
“Tremble, mortals”

Ok. Who did the catering?

I enjoyed that. Some very funny stuff and some lovely gore. One for lovers of gratuitous sex and violence.

Atlantic Rim 2 – A Drunken Review

The Japanese Atlantic Rim 2 Poster rocks. Might have to buy another Gundam kit…

Atlantic Rim 2 – A Drunk Review

In a massive break from tradition, I’m starting this review on the same page as another. It’s because I’ve nearly reached the end of the pad.

Already I’m surprised by the production values here. Asylum films have a certain reputation.

I recognise that guy who looks like Sir Clive Sinclair (and before you say, no. It’s not Sir Clive Sinclair).

Sinclair C5
Sir Clive Sinclair, without whom there’d be no C5

Wait. Did he say he was from the Tactical Insecurity Division? If so, are they hiring? I’d fit right in.

I think one of the problems when you’re doing a film with such a large scope on such a small budget is that you have no real footprint. There’s a huge creature stomping round Miami, but it’s as if it’s not really there. With the spread of information the way it is these days, the world would be in chaos within minutes. I’m sure readers will remember how quickly the terrible events of 9/11 unfolded before us. Social media and global interactivity have multiplied a millionfold since then.

Seeing a military type telling his partner to take the kids and leave reminds me of the book ‘The Death of Grass’. It would be difficult to keep the possibility of danger from people you know, impossible to keep it from loved ones.

Tough bald military guy looks a bit like Carl Ikeme, the Wolves goalkeeper who is currently battling leukemia. His charity can be found here – https://www.justgiving.com/campaigns/charity/cureleukaemia/ikeme

Carl Ikeme
#teamkemes

“I can only write so much code.” Same here. Me too. See the Corking Movies mobile index here http://www.corkingmovies.com/learning-area/

Wait. Do they have a software QA here?

Scientist guy looks a bit like Karl Urban. Lot of look-a-likes here (and regular readers will know we thrive on those).

Quality wise, this is about even with a Stargate spinoff or something, which, from Asylum is not bad. There seems to be a genuine desire to make a film here, rather than some of the stuff I’ve seen by them and that goes a long way. Look at Crystal Skulls. That was someone who wanted money and nothing else and it shows.

The robots look a bit Tau (look, I’ve admitted to being a geek here before). Quite like the design.

Tau
“Nerrrrrrdddddsssss”

No way is she old enough to be her mom. Bit like Marty McFly and his dad.

“It’s a lot bigger than I thought.” It’s quite tragic saying “That’s what she said” when everyone else in the house has gone to bed (well, my son’s hamsters, Maya and Freya, are still awake – I can here the wheel. We got them today and they’re a bit shy).

Videogames have taught me you need flamethrowers here.

Seriously, is that guy Karl Urban’s brother? I believe he has one… Not Keith Urban though.

We’ve veered into Starship Troopers here. Love that film. Casper van Dien is not the greatest of actors in it, but he fits.

“Where did you learn to shoot like that?” “I’m from New York.” New York, where, this very morning, they tightened gun ownership laws for domestic abusers. Tempted to wake my partner up to celebrate this. Brilliant result.

Have to say, I’ve seen worse films made with bigger budgets and bigger names.

The arse end of this wine is tannin-y.

We’ll that was a sudden death.

Whoever put the soundtrack together just sneaked in an effect from the 1953 War of the Worlds movie. Bravo, sir. Bravo.

Don’t know that it’s not a little sexist that the surviving female pilots are locked away for the finale, leaving two dudes to take over.

Sure I recognise other woman in the command center.

Sober edit – I fell asleep drunk here as the credits rolled (plus it was about 4am), so no further notes… Just checked though, and the catering was by Impeccable Taste/John Woodward

 

Hell’s Kitty – A Drunken Review

Hells Kitty Official Poster
Hells Kitty Official Poster

Didn’t finish till late, so didn’t get wine. Fortunately, maybe, I have a bottle my son won at a water or wine stall at his school fete. Drinking it, I’m not sure which it was. The price is printed on the foil around the screw top. It tastes like the stuff you have at a wedding reception when you only drink it because you know there’s alcohol in it and you need that little nudge over the edge.

The credits… The music… We’re back in the days when Stephen King spewed films… And seeing the protagonist’s bookshelf, King and Koontz… The writer of this grew up with the same cultural reference as me.

Obviously, we’re not far into this yet, but it’s really got me hankering for that era where horror was fun. Freddy, Jason, the zombie dude from House. They all killed with a smile.

OK. Have to say. The acting is a little rough around the edges from some, but as we are in the camp 80s domain, it’s not as much a bad thing. Binge watch Nightmare on Elm Street and you’ll see worse.

I remember the grip an ex’s cat had over her. I can fully identify with what’s going on. It was always in the room. Always. Maybe they have some sort of evolutionarily developed symbiotic control over humans. They feign love for their owners, who then provide for them. The whole thing is covered in the book Sapiens, how dogs integrated themselves into human culture so that we provide for them. They are therefore, as a species, evolutionarily successful. As is wheat. We cultivate it, spending time to help it thrive. Cattle, we feed it, nurture it, house it. Animals may get treated terribly (don’t eat meat), but, as a species, they ‘win’. The purpose of a species is to spread, to propogate. It’s not about being happy. Sorry. You’re just here to make more of you. If a species grows, it wins.

Michael Berryman! Saw him at Memorabilia. Lovely chap.

Michael Berryman
“This Bud’s for you”

This cheap wine seems to be doing the trick, weirdly. Maybe it’s because it’s because it’s a bit fizzy. Or that I’m just drinking it from the bottle. Or that I’m drinking it on top of a (horrible) craft beer.

Moltar
“Adrienne Barbeau!”

I loved The Fog. I loved Carnivale. I loved Escape from New York. I loved Cannonball Run. She’s really an 80s icon.

Pygmachophobia?

There’s some beautiful lines in this. “I’m terrified of boxes. You never know what’s in them. My husband once brought home a crate.” Even when some of the lesser actors deliver them (that last line wasn’t one of the lesser performances), the writing carries it through. Adrienne Barbeau’s performance there had the feel of a character in a David Lynch film or show. That wonderful stilted soap opera style he does. The mundane delivery of extraordinary lines. A sort of Brechtian thing, breaking down the 4th wall, intentionally breaking reality. It’s one of those things that, if you try and fail to pull it off, it’s awful. With an actor of Adrienne Barbeau’s experience, though, it works well.

Yes! Killer Klown!

The film is limited to one location. I guess that’s a budgeting thing, but if it is, and I were the writer, I think I’d make it more of a plot device. Make the protagonist a prisoner.

It’s Doug Jones! Not in makeup! Not often you see that. His voice is so distinctive though. Like the missing Crane brother. Got to respect a dude who can act in ancient Catalan.

OK. I think the film could quite easily end here. I think it’s drawn on a bit. I’ve enjoyed it and at times have laughed out loud, but I think the fact that it doesn’t have a strong narrative arc is starting to show. I have to admit, I am a little bit booze tired though (plus it’s 3 am and I was at work for 11 hours).

You know, I’ve only ever seen the remake of Children of the Corn for a drunken review. It didn’t review well, but Kandyse McClure was lovely about it.

If you’ve seen The Happiness of the Katakuris, you’ll have some handle on what’s going on at the end here.

The ending poses some of those questions where you start to ask them, then allow them to trail off because you’re not sure you want to know where the answers lead.

Hell’s Kitty had its faults, but I enjoyed it. A case of anti-Gestalt. I think there were times where the lack of a real story arc led to it dragging a bit. I wonder if it’s to do with being unable to predict a sequence of events, and therefore not seeing a narrative arc, so it being impossible to predict how much more there is to go (I think this sentence will make no sense sober, but I know what I mean). There were moments where I genuinely laughed out loud, and not just one or two. As I said earlier, some of the acting was a bit ragged, but it kind of fit and wasn’t too distracting.

 

Killing Joan – A Drunken Review

Killing Joan Official Poster
Killing Joan Official Poster

I’m not sure if Killing Joan is a play on words that I’m not getting. Close to Killing Zoe, I suppose. Maybe. Or maybe it’s just an abstract thing. Killing Joan stars Jamie Bernadette, whose star seems to be on the rise somewhat, starring, as she does, in the remake of I Spit on Your Grave and 4/20 Massacre, which i enjoyed last week.  Anyway, although this film isn’t out yet, I’m going to go back to my old style of doing things, so there may be spoilers. And politics. And a hilarious use of images. Hilarious.

No you lying get
See? Hilarious.

The opening music reminds me of something I’ve watched a lot, but I can’t remember what. Something old. Might be Hardware.

Killer POV shots. I hate them. Unless they’re in Jabberwocky.

Erm, the acting in this is a little stilted to say the least. It’s a low budget film and it’s very much behaving like one.

The music on loop in that scene reminded me of an old PC RPG. Vampire Bloodlines or Deus Ex.

“I only asked where the toilets were, mate.”

This seems like the shittest nightclub ever. I think it’s actually somewhere I did an escape room in in Wolverhampton. This whole scene is pointless. No. Wait. It was all to set up what looked like the start of a porno.

“Jesus Joan”

Frank reminds me of that director who used to be a Scientologist.

Weirdly, the acting has improved a little. It’s not great, bit it’s improved. Maybe it’s that she’s acting against Frank rather than one of the other types.

“My uncle owns this company, and by extension, me.” His uncle owns him?

Talk to Frank. Isn’t that the drugs advice line.

The steam off that coffee cup is bugging me. There appears to be nowhere for boiling water to have come from for it to stay hot that long. I’m probably missing something but it feels wrong.

We really aren’t getting anywhere fast. There was a lot of time wasted, then the character arc of the bad guys was too severe. They went straight from disaffected to murderous.

There’s a lot of mention of her gender. I think the director wanted to make it an exploration of that, but having a first 30 minutes that resolves heavily around scenes of sex kind of kills that as a debate (see Monsters: Dark Continent for a film that kills its debate by pandering to adolescent fantasies).

“I’m going to get revenge. Woman’s wrath. Etc.” Beats up murderers, lets them go.

Who’s in charge of continuity here? There’s little things that are easy to get right, but if you don’t, it really trashes the reality you’re trying to build.

Do writers write lines that are meant to be used in trailers? If so, that was one. It was like “HERE’S THE TRAILER LINE.”

Dirk seemed nice. He had an honest estate agent vibe.

OK. She seemingly took down a bloke who carjacked a kerb crawler. Mixed moral message there.

David John Pleat is an English football player turned manager and sports commentator.

This bad guy doesn’t know how to smoke a cigar.

The violence needed to be more violent. The tone needed to be taken right down.

The main bad guy always seems as if he’s been waiting for someone to shout “action”, then takes a moment to realise they have. Frank’s Lieutenant, Neil, seems to be a little better of an actor than the others (as does Frank). He is playing a bit of a clichéd role though, that of the henchman who is weirflwkind of pleasant and you are given no reason to hate, but in reality, would be guilty of all sorts of stuff. Like Tony Todd in The Crow.

“Why don’t you two ladies come up and check me out some time.”

If they’d sat down and thought about the shadow powers and how they work, they could really have had fun, but I kind of get the feeling that they were too eager for people to see the film and ended up with a rush job. I’m a writer. I’ve done the same. Skipped an edit because I want it out there. So I understand.

Wait. Is this necrophilia?

Have the clocks gone forward now? Do I have 7 hours to sleep, or 6? Got a 5 year old’s birthday party to run tomorrow.

When you have a vengeful protagonist with an otherworldly power, then you need to have the antagonists to have to find the protagonist’s Kryptonite.

Seems odd that they’ve got a wrestler in and it seems she won’t have a fight scene. Oh. Suddenly Frank has mystic knowledge. And wrestler lady has shadow powers. If she had been Frank’s number two throughout, or even just a bodyguard, that would have worked. Instead, 20 minutes ago she freaked out at seeing a corpse and went to having powers over the underworld or something.

Neil does stand out as a better actor. How can different directors get such different performances? Or is it that the actors are cast in the wrong roles?

The good thing about the clocks changing is that the kitchen clock is right again. I just have to stop adding an hour to it.

Damn it. There was something there where Frank had some kind of deathbed redemption, but weren’t really given a reason to feel pity for him.

Is she called Joan because of Pope Joan?

This wasn’t a great film. The end credits look off the peg. As I said, Jamie Bernadette’s star is on the rise, and I’ll probably be watching more with her, but I don’t think this will be one she wants to be remembered for. It has no caterer for a start.

Wait. The copyright is 2016? It isn’t out until April 3rd 2018.

4:20 Massacre – A Drunken Review

4/20 Massacre Poster

It’s a football drunk review, so hopefully the booze won’t put me to sleep. It was also St.Patrick’s Day, and, as we drink in an Irish club prior to and after the match (shout out to The Emerald Club, it’s management and staff), you can imagine the score.

I’m Old Gregg. You seen my downstairs mix-up.

Nice credits.

I hate the word guestimate. That’s not a criticism of the film – these are people that would use it.

This is a film by someone who knows and appreciates the genre. The choice of music and shot selection is spot on.

Buddy kinda reminds me of Will Ferrell as Buddy the Elf in Elf. Not just because of his name.

Pirates used to do this thing where they’d disembowel people and nail one end near a fire. They’d either burn or disembowel themselves. Humans are very good at figuring out ways of killing each other.

I’ve never rolled a cigar-joint.

It’s nice watching a slasher film where I don’t pretty much immediately want the cast to be butchered. Regular readers may have noticed that one of my bugbears is horror films where you don’t care about the erstwhile victims.

When did people start using the term libtard? I thought it was recent.

Actually, I know what I said about the music earlier, but it’s become a bit overbearing.

Not only are the characters ones that you want to survive (or they don’t annoy you to the point that you want them eviscerated) they actually have some depth to them.

Not the usual cookie-cutter victims

There’s a bit of a Clerks vibe to the dialogue, which is obviously a good thing. I think it’s the way there’s a direct didacticism at times, like a discussion on whether psychopaths are naturally more successful (I personally believe they are an evolutionary step forward, albeit an unpleasant one).

Do you have any new films?

I like Ranger Rick. I don’t know the actor, but I get the feeling he’s a veteran.

I enjoyed that. It wasn’t without fault – the fight sequences were a touch clumsy, which led to the ending feeling a little flat maybe. I would recommend it though. No catering in the credits though.

 

Shockwave – A Drunken Review

It was a fairly close run thing between this and Atlantic Rim 2, but in the end, this won. It was recorded from the channel Movies 4 Men. So yeah.

We’re off to a flyer here – it’s Star Trek mountain

Hey look! It’s a badly CGI’d robot that looks like one of the robots from The Matrix killing a guy that looks like the guy from Scream.

That pistol has a remarkable clip size. Apparently the thing going amok is not part of its design. Who QA’d this thing?

I would so play an arcade game with this soundtrack. It’d be a side scrolling platform shooter.

Shockwave, the Video Game, would look a bit like this

Michael Dorn, Bill Mumy and Robert Picardo? Cripes! Who’s doing Comicon while they’re filming this? George Takei too? Oh my.

I’m sure the music just basically stole bits off Reptile by NIN.

So it appears the Shockwave film I was going to be watching is not this Shockwave, which was actually released as AI Attack. I feel like I’ve deceived people now.

The film I watched post-title card seems like a totally different one to that pre-title card.

I’ve decided I’ll do a review of the other Shockwave as an apology to all those who voted thinking this was that.

Wait. He was in Babylon 5 too? What? You think I was always this cool? I actually have a nerdy past.

Apparently Dr.Foster is on his way. And it’s raining.

So they were taking them to Australia for ‘obedience training’. Is this how the US Australian war began?

Turning that TV on had the most unnecessary sound effects. It was great.

I recognise the blonde criminal woman. I think she’s been on here before.

Now we’re back in the film before the title card.

Those robots are stealing a helicopter!

I so hope the robots are going to mod themselves with helicopter bits.

Seeing a World War 2 military installation on a Pacific island makes me want to play Far Cry 3.

Vaas was ace

There’s 4 minutes of this left. Was it actually a series or something? DID MOVIES 4 MEN MISLEAD ME? THERE WILL BE CONSEQUENCES.

And it just sort of ended there. No credits or anything. What on earth happened?

Does this say part one or anything? If you’re misleading me, Movies 4 Men, there will be consequences!

Now, there are other instances of Shockwave on the planner, but it doesn’t say Part Two or anything. Don’t really want to watch a second part, but, I dunno, do I ow it to my readers to suffer so? Need to find out who did the catering anyway.

4/20 Massacre Preview

Slash and burn

4/20 Massacre Poster

When Jamie Bernadette and Justine Wachsberger, star of the Divergent series, join a group of friends for a birthday camping trip over the 4/20 holiday weekend, they soon find themselves crossing paths with an illegal marijuana growing operation and find themselves fighting for their lives in 4/20 Massacre, the first ever Stoner Slasher movie.

Simultaneously released on video on demand and DVD, this comedy thriller pits its young stars against its monster.

4/20 Massacre Group Photo

Directed by Dylan Reynolds and starring Jamie Bernadette(I Spit on Your Grave: Déjà Vu, Killing Joan), Vanessa Rose Parker (Samurai Cop 2), Justine Wachsberger (Divergent), Stacey Danger (‘’Jean-Claude Van Johnson’’), Marissa Pistone (Raze), Jim Storm (Dark Shadows), Mark Schroeder (‘’Pretty Little Liars’’) Jim Round, Drew Talbert and James Gregory, 4/20 Massacre is released on 4/20.