Hellraiser Revelations Giveaway Result

The draw has been made, and one of our lucky(?) subscribers will soon be receiving a copy of Hellraiser Revelations on Blu Ray. Thanks to everyone who took part. Keep coming back, as there will be more draws in the not too distant future.

Monday Update 06/11/2017

It’s another Monday Update (you’ll have to imagine your own jingle).

So, on Friday, and, after falling asleep in my armchair, Saturday, I reviewed Children of the Corn. It wasn’t good. It really wasn’t good. The actual review was even more nonsensical than usual, too, with politics and all sorts.

The competition to win a copy of Hellraiser Revelations on Blu Ray is coming to an end. Details on how to enter are here – Corking Movies Halloween Giveaway. It’s worth watching. Honest.

There’s a new film poll below (as you can probably see), so if there’s any of these films you haven’t seen, don’t want to see, and wish someone else would endure for you, click below. Truth or Dare has slid off the list and into obscurity.

Progress on the zombie game continues. Still no lovely front end. When it’s done, the game will be made available to download from here.

The official Corking Movies Zombie Game
This poll is closed! Poll activity:
Start date 27-07-2017 18:30:09
End date 22-12-2017 19:59:59
Poll Results:
What review would you like to see on the weekend after 22/12/17

Starry Eyes (The Horror Channel)

Ouija Possession (Amazon Prime)

Orc Wars (The Horror Channel)

My Bloody Valentine (The Horror Channel)

Monday Update 16/10/2017

It’s a Monday update!

Firstly, following Corking Movies. There are several ways you can follow Corking Movies now.

RSS Feed – http://feeds.feedburner.com/CorkingMovies
Twitter – @CorkingMovies
Facebook – https://www.facebook.com/search/top/?q=corking%20movies
Email Subscription (if you are from the UK and sign up to the mailing list, you will be entered into the draw for the Blu Ray copy of Hellraiser Revelations used to review).

Secondly, there is a new poll for the next film to watch (this is going to be on 21/10). Click here for descriptions of the films.

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
Start date 27-07-2017 18:30:09
End date 20-10-2017 19:59:59
Poll Results:
What should be drunkenly reviewed next?

Last week’s review is available here – 13 Eerie Drunken Review

Halloween Special Drunken Review Poll #3

So, what should be watched this weekend? It’s going to be Saturday evening rather than Friday this week.

Child’s Play. I don’t think this needs any introduction, but for some reason, I’ve never seen it.

I Am The Pretty Thing That Lives In The House. This seems to be a pretty standard haunted house story, staring Ruth Wilson, who basically owned the show Luther.

Truth or Dare. Some kids go to a cabin and play a violent game of truth or dare. It’s English, so they’ve probably all been in Game of Thrones.

We Are What We Are. The short synopsis is that there are a family of cannibals that have to kidnap victims for a ritual. It’s an American remake of a Mexican horror film.

Finally, don’t forget to sign up to the mailing list for your chance to win the copy of Hellraiser Revelations I use for the Halloween Special finale (and entry into any future draws).

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
Start date 27-07-2017 18:30:09
End date 20-10-2017 19:59:59
Poll Results:
What should be drunkenly reviewed next?

13 Eerie – A Drunken Review

“We prey for you” Seriously?

SOBER WARNING – There are spoilers.

A bottle of 19 Crimes and this one tastes even better for some reason.

Oh dear. That bird of prey screech at the end of the credits was just cheap. As is the opening sequence and the synth music. I recognise two people from this. In recent films on here that’s a lot. I know the girl from Ginger Snaps is one, and there’s a young fellow with a redneck beard I recognise.

Oh look! It’s John McEnroe.

The music is telling us to be afraid because there’s nothing else. Hey, wait! I recognise John McEnroe from somewhere.

Why do low budget films always film at angles?

Oh no! John McEnroe smoked a joint and all the equipment is broken. I guess the scriptwriter is trying to tell us something.

A reference for the old people out there
Just say no.

This set up – competition for places on a pathology course being contested for using real corpses on an island which housed a penitentiary, in which experiments took place. It’s a bit convoluted.

I think I recognise redneck beard from something I like.

Oh no. He’s smoking the drugs again. He’ll be listening to jazz records next.

Do actors in these films never question the script? In testing software, you do something called static testing. You go through the specification and look for problems before it goes further. Someone should have pointed out how stupid it was that the teacher just totally dismissed the idea of there being a rogue corpse. Then I wouldn’t have wasted time writing this paragraph.

The students already seem to be well versed in this sort of stuff.

John McEnroe is the only likeable character here. Plus I’m sure one of the students just said “dogshoot”. That dialogue was probably written by the writer who thinks marijuana is the root of all evil.

There was another guy in the movie, but he’s gone now.

This zombie is quite a dainty eater.

Mr.Redneck Beard seems like an unusually good actor compared to everyone else.

Roaring zombies. That’s unusual. They’re more like orcs.

I hope Professor Asshole gets bit.

I’m sure Professor Asshole was just wearing latex gloves to turn on the generator. Maybe that’s his ‘thing’ – he fears contact with the real world. Although he wasn’t wearing them after.

Oh, suddenly Professor Asshole gives a damn, and he has a gun.

These zombies seem to enjoy their work.

The gore in this is actually quite good. It’s just about everything else that’s the problem. Oooh. She’s using convoluted science to escape. Because she’s a student, see. She could have just legged it, but… SCIENCE!

She blinded me with science!
Beep bop boop

Director: Can you do some expressions?

Actress: What emotions?

Director: Is raised eyebrows an emotion?

Now John McEnroe’s gone, I don’t care who dies. We’re supposed to have wanted him dead, but he was a likeable idiot (they never said what his crime was. I’m guessing it was something petty).

I think we’re supposed to want the girl from Ginger Snaps to survive (who is probably too old to be a student). Instead of making her a likeable character, however, like most modern horror, they’ve just chosen an attractive actress. Physical beauty is shorthand for decency. Which is lazy. Who would you trust more? Melania Trump or Dot Cotton?

Ooh, I say

You know some of these films end with the protagonist (pretty white female) covered with blood and viscera, but surviving. Then they started killing them and it was like “Surprise! Nobody survived!” and we were shocked. Theoretically, as both kinds of ending exist, there is a better opportunity for suspense, yet, because the possibilities of who survives are narrow (ie Pretty White Female) it is necessary for that character to be likeable for that suspense to exist. Usually, they aren’t, so it’s a case of holding on to the slim hope that the character you at best like, or at least hate less, survives. Which they almost always fail to do.

Looks more like him when you're drunk.
This one’s for my dead homie John McEnroe

A shed. A van. An arrow. I’m hoping they’re going to A-Team their way out of there. Girl from Ginger Snaps’s beau reminds me of Crispin Glover. Have you ever seen his version of Ben? Well now you can.

There were just two pieces of really beautiful cinematography. Totally out of place. I can imagine a cameraman who had dreams of producing real art seeing an opportunity and taking it.

Ok. Fuck you. More characters were alive than I expected, but they finished on a comedy cliffhanger, utterly at odds with the tone of the film. I’m going to assume they all died and nobody cared.

Catering was by Meals for Reels. All caterers must have pun names. Like hairdressers (best one I’ve seen is Sherlock Combs) and chip shops (I always wanted to open a German themed one in southern England called Cod in Hemmel). They have a chef – Bev Dusel and a sous-chef – Tim Dusel. The term sous-chef always reminds me of Apocalypse Now. What’s the difference between Shaun Cadenne, credited as Dailies and Ward da Bussac (awesome name) credited as Daily? Surely the only difference between Daily and Dailies is one is plural?

Still pissed off that they didn’t finish the film. I’d made a whole point about who survives in horror films.

Wait. Special thanks… Bruce Willis?

Sober bit – Don’t forget, you can sign up to the mailing list and possibly win a copy of Hellraiser Revelations.

Corking Movies Halloween Giveaway

At the end of the month, as the conclusion to the first ever Corking Movies celebration of Halloween, I’ll be watching Hellraiser Revelations. Apparently, it was only made so that they could keep the license (like Roger Corman’s Fantastic Four), so that’s a good sign. As it’s not a streamed film as far as I could see, I had to beg the Corking Movies accounts department (also me) to let me buy it. It’s a German copy, but you can pick English from the menu. Maybe it’ll be better in German anyway. I used to play one of the FIFA games with German commentary as the English commentary was so awful.

Trust me. Under the picture, it's NOT Doug Bradley. Who is a nice chap.
It’s not even Doug Bradley

Anyway, if it’s as bad as I expect, I don’t see why I should suffer alone. So, on November 12th, I’ll be doing a draw to give it away. I’m sure it’ll serve as a placemat or potentially deadly indoor frisbee. Should you want to be in with a chance of winning a second hand copy of Hellraiser Revelations, simply register for the Corkingmovies.com email newsletter. On mobile devices, you can get to this through the menu at the top, otherwise it’s somewhere down the left. If you don’t receive the confirmation email, check your spam. If you still can’t see it, email me at Christian at corkingmovies dot com. You must be a UK resident and over 18 to enter. On the day of the draw, a random number generator will be used to pick from those subscribers registered at that point.

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
Start date 27-07-2017 18:30:09
End date 13-10-2017 19:59:59
Poll Results:
What should I watch for the next Halloween Special?