Temple – A Drunken Review

Temple. Three kids go looking for a temple in a Japanese forest. Like that’ll end well. One brave soul, fuelled only by the power of Guinness, braves the film so you don’t have to.

Temple Movie Poster
By the writer and director of Blair Witch and You’re Next (me neither)

Temple. At least the name doesn’t have any ambiguity. And we’re into the film without any production cards (is that the proper name?) or anything.

Some good torch work.

Apparently six children went missing. One of them looked very angry. There seems to be some rather pointless translations. You don’t need to tell us the book was called Folk Tales twice. We didn’t care the first time.

Folk Tales
Folk Tales!

Writer/director. Always a good sign.

I recognise the Japanese guy with the glasses.

Ooh, a child running out of shot. How original.

It’s Captain Pike!

Temple - Captain Pike
Beep beep beep

The Japanese language always seems like a no-nonsense sort of language. No vagaries. No ambiguity.

Don’t you dare be a found footage film. They’re just an excuse for bad film-making.

She’s a likeable sort of character. I sort of hope she doesn’t die. Her boyfriend is baby Ed Norton. Billy Friendzone is a bit creepy. I think we’re supposed to hope he doesn’t die. Doesn’t bother me if he does. I don’t think he will, but if he does, hope it’s quick.

I think Billy Friendzone kind of fancies Mr.Boyfriend in an “I’ll sleep with him to be with her” kind of way.

Folk Tales
Folk Tales Again!

They’ve stumbled across a narrative.

Folk Tales
Folk Tales! We don’t need the translation again!

This is well shot. However, we’re about 1/2 hour in and there doesn’t seem to be any story.

Folk Tales
Folk Tales! Seriously,
if you translate this again, I’ll punch myself in the head.

Yeah. They’re mendicant monks. Relax.

It’s a bad sign when you’re checking the time elapsed. Seriously, nothing of note has happened.

Nuts. Fell asleep. Rewind.

This seems to have high production values, but unknown actors (no disrespect, just don’t recognise them).

Billy Friendzone is filming them having sex. I still don’t think he knows which one he’d rather be with.

The storyline still hasn’t really started and we’re about halfway through.

I said just that I didn’t recognise the cast. They’re decent actors though. Just lost in a meandering script.

Kitsune. There was a World of Darkness book about them. I may still have it. Not that I was ever a goth nerd.

Vampire The Masquerade
One of the best PC RPGs ever.

Those stone figures are creepy. Maybe they know where the story is.

I think this was an indy film that was scripted and cast, but then had money thrown at it. The cast and script stayed, but the production values increased. Again, not knocking the cast, but you can tell they’re not film veterans. Not sure how. There’s just a certain something. Maybe it’s a self-belief that people only get after they’ve done a couple of films that comes through.

There’s a bigger story here about abortion. Maybe that’s the theme of the film but the director didn’t have the confidence to make it the focus. Maybe it was just some character background that was used to fill time.

A lot of torch work going on. Make up for a lack of anything else with scary torch work.

Oh. A twist. How clever. Well done. Oh. Another twist. Double twist backfire. You must be so proud. Wonder who did the catering.

Guinness – The Royal Oak, The Emerald Club, The Molineux, The Emerald Club, The Royal Oak £various

Double Ice Backfire
Double Ice Backfire!
This poll is closed! Poll activity:
Start date 27-07-2017 18:30:09
End date 22-12-2017 19:59:59
Poll Results:
What review would you like to see on the weekend after 22/12/17

Monday Update 20/11/2017

Good afternoon! It’s that day of the week again.

Knucklebones
Knucklebones

It’s still Monday, so this is still a Monday update, OK?

Friday’s review was Knucklebones. Felt a bit sad about it not being very good, as it was obviously a labour of love for him, but not anyone else involved. Orc Wars was ditched from the list. Shame, as that would have been awesome. Added are Jessabelle, which is on Netflix and Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, which apparently has some quality Nicholas Cageism.

Turns out I didn’t upset Kandyce McClure with my review of Children of the Corn (she spoke to us via twitter – @corkingmovies if you’re interested), she thought the writing and direction sucked too.

Anyway, voting can be done over at Corkingmovies.com (and despite the conspiracy theorists, it’s not rigged). Also, any suggestions for future films, or even themes, are welcome (I don’t do intentionally bad ones though.)

Oh, and it’ll be Saturday I watch the next film – post football.

The Possession of Michael King – from the Horror Channel. Some chap (Michael King – who I assume rules over Michael Knight) gets possessed in order to prove the supernatural doesn’t exist. That’s what it says anyway. Doesn’t make much sense to me.

The Ouija Possession – Amazon Prime. Some kids play with a ouija board and release a vengeful spirit. Apparently this is a film that was released 4 years previously under a different name…

Ghost Rider – Spirit of Vengeance – Can’t remember. Film 4, I think? Johnny Blaze riding round the town with his head on fire in Eastern Europe. Probably because it’s cheaper to film there.

Jessabelle – Netflix. Girl is involved in a car crash. Goes to her childhood home, where there’s a ghost or something.

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
Start date 27-07-2017 18:30:09
End date 22-12-2017 19:59:59
Poll Results:
What review would you like to see on the weekend after 22/12/17




Monday Update 13/11/2017

Monday update time.

So, Friday I watched Starry Eyes, which I really quite enjoyed. The Hellraiser draw has been made, and the winner notified. My Bloody Valentine has been removed from the poll, and two new films added- Knucklebones and The Possession of Michael King.

I had a bit of an awakening, I suppose, when one of the lead actors of Children of the Corn (Kandyse McClure) said she might read the review. It’s not a complimentary review (see here – Children of the Corn – A Drunken Review), though, and it made me wonder. Does what I do upset the people involved? Or is it dismissed as the drunken ramblings that it is (by someone who hasn’t even finished his first script)? There have been a couple of films that have annoyed me, as they appear to have been made without any intent to entertain (namely Crystal Skulls and Viking Quest), but genuinely, I think films are made by people who love cinema. I’ve always had a bit of mixed feelings about critics of any art form, as art is subjective, and some see their word a gospel and have turned written cruelty into an art (I think they tend to work for the New Yorker and the Spectator), often making ad hominem attacks on those involved.

Anyway, enough introspection…

Knucklebones – Recorded from the Horror Channel. This was a reader request. A group of students summon a demon whilst playing with dice. They probably had a low wisdom stat or something.

The Possession of Michael King – from the Horror Channel (Tuesday 14/11 11:20)Some chap (Michael King – who I assume rules over Michael Knight) gets possessed in order to prove the supernatural doesn’t exist. That’s what it says anyway. Doesn’t make much sense to me.

Orc Wars – Recorded from the Horror Channel. Some special forces chap goes and lives in a remote cabin and ends up having to protect the world from orcs.

The Ouija Possession – Amazon Prime. Some kids play with a ouija board and release a vengeful spirit. Apparently this is a film that was released 4 years previously under a different name…

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
Start date 27-07-2017 18:30:09
End date 22-12-2017 19:59:59
Poll Results:
What review would you like to see on the weekend after 22/12/17




Starry Eyes

Spoiler warning. This review contains spoilers, as, if you don’t know, these reviews are basically my notes scribbled down as I drink and watch a film…

The first review of a new notepad. You’ll be able to tell your grandkids you were there. They’ll probably ask what notepads are. The winner of the vote was Starry Eyes. I’m hoping for something surprisingly good, like turned out to be.

Better typeface this week. Old school horror.

What kind of hipster hell party is this? There’s at least one fedora and someone mumbling poetry. Someone has a film camera. Ok. I’m guilty of the last two. There’s something about the fact that you have to be careful about your shots.

Mr.Bowtie is a bad example of someone trying to act twice their age. And just acting badly anyway.

Early doors, but this film smacks of people trying to be clever. Hopefully I’ll be wrong and they’ll actually be clever. I would rather watch good films you know. Please think about that when you vote.

I’m getting a bit of a Pi vibe from this, which may be a good sign. Love that film. Bought it on DVD from Woolworths because it said Cyberpunk on the cover somewhere.

11:15 Restate my assumptions. Starting to enjoy this film.

Was that Sharon Tate on the wall there? Is that some kind of portent?

Creepy boss is creepy.

I’ve always thought of Hollywood as some kind of vile meat grinder. Bus loads of young people are brought in and stripped down to lifeless husks. I can’t imagine many stars are found because they just turn up and try hard. It’s as nepotistic as the aristocracy. Clooney – celebrity family. Jolie – acting dad. Of course, exceptions will always exist, to perpetuate the dream machine. Like people who become rich from nothing. They’re a drop in the ocean of old, establishment money.

In the current climate, the phrase “meeting with the producer” has such a different connotation. I wonder if the writers knew. Does and did everyone in Hollywood know this was happening and just accept it as part of the game?

I’m actually watching this film. With my eyes and brain.

Wow. Her friend is asking if people still do the whole casting couch thing. Seriously, how prescient is this? If I’d have watched this last week, I’d have thought it clichéd.

The ukelele – the idiot violin.

If you’ve been to the front line and stood up to oppression in South Africa, you can play one. Otherwise, learn a real instrument

Outside the core cast, there’s some pretty bad acting, and it’s annoying. The lead actress is good, but it seems like, a lot of the time, she’s acting against a brick wall.

I think the widening of the financial gap between the Indies and the big Hollywood films is growing dangerously. It gives us expectations of all films. I went to see Thor:Ragnarok last night (loved it) but you compare the production values of that against this and you end up with an unfair prejudice. This film can’t hope to compete in that way against Thor, but it shouldn’t be expected to. It’s like of Runcorn Town faced off against Man City. The cost of the players decides what happens.

Even bringing in goalkeeper Terry McMormick wouldn’t stop Man City scoring. Only one team has done that this season. If you know who it is, answer in the comments…

I’m kind of wandering off point, but basically our expectations of what movies are is dictated by the amount spent, and we should be able to see films in isolation (although this film does have an intercontextuality that kind of precludes that sort of isolation in a way).

Creepy boss actually seems a decent sort.

Tertiary characters in limited budget films. Are they generally so bad because they’re friends of people involved in the making of the film – producers, directors etc, as opposed to being cast in the usual fashion?

Also, I forgot to mention. The lead referred to herself as an actor. It’s not usually the case that people refer to female actors as actors. The term actress is actually incorrect and demeaning.

I think I get where the Pi vibe is coming from. It’s the antagonist being in decay, both morally and physically, with a dread inevitability.

The producers PA seems to come from a stable of demonic assistants.

Dread inevitability. Bug has it too. Taking the lead and making them grotesque. And The Fly. It’s all about fingernails, teeth and hair. Like porphyria. May. That’s another one.

How does Brundlefly drink?

Have to say, for all my previous cynicism, this goes into the pleasant surprise column. It’s not a horror film in the classic sense, but it uses the genre to explore a theme, an idea.

So, according to IMDB, one of the cast is Gene Simmons’s son. Just look for the one trying to make money out of everything and everyone.

I think the fact that Sarah’s so middle class at the start makes the fall so hard.

I think jealousy exists everywhere, but I can imagine, in Hollywood, with groups of people all struggling to make it, it’s far stronger. Sarah hurting her friends is a conscious execution of a subconscious desire. The killings are very brutal, but I think they have to be, for the film, they need impact, to show how low Sarah has sunk.

I think one criticism of the film would be how drastic Sarah’s arc is but obviously the movie is limited by running length.

I think the wannabe director is a bit of a nature boy. His project’s just a way of getting women.

Whilst there is obviously a story in the sexual predation of the producer, it seems to be an allegory for the cannibalistic nature of Hollywood itself, and how self serving the people in it can be in climbing the (sober edit – the sentence ends there. At a guess, it would have been ‘ladder’).

Catering was be Dino Fantazis, and, as I actually enjoyed this, I hope they were well catered for.

Sarah’s transformation at the end reminded me of the Man Who Fell to Earth.

The reveal scene from The Man Who Fell to Earth that left many viewers shocked.

The music is pure 80s horror.

Oh, got to say, Sarah was well cast. They could have gone for a bubbly airhead, but they chose someone who would get the audience on-side and then have that ‘golden age of Hollywood’ look at the end.

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
Start date 27-07-2017 18:30:09
End date 22-12-2017 19:59:59
Poll Results:
What review would you like to see on the weekend after 22/12/17

Monday Update 06/11/2017

It’s another Monday Update (you’ll have to imagine your own jingle).

So, on Friday, and, after falling asleep in my armchair, Saturday, I reviewed Children of the Corn. It wasn’t good. It really wasn’t good. The actual review was even more nonsensical than usual, too, with politics and all sorts.

The competition to win a copy of Hellraiser Revelations on Blu Ray is coming to an end. Details on how to enter are here – Corking Movies Halloween Giveaway. It’s worth watching. Honest.

There’s a new film poll below (as you can probably see), so if there’s any of these films you haven’t seen, don’t want to see, and wish someone else would endure for you, click below. Truth or Dare has slid off the list and into obscurity.

Progress on the zombie game continues. Still no lovely front end. When it’s done, the game will be made available to download from here.

The official Corking Movies Zombie Game
This poll is closed! Poll activity:
Start date 27-07-2017 18:30:09
End date 22-12-2017 19:59:59
Poll Results:
What review would you like to see on the weekend after 22/12/17

Starry Eyes (The Horror Channel)

Ouija Possession (Amazon Prime)

Orc Wars (The Horror Channel)

My Bloody Valentine (The Horror Channel)

Fourth and Final Halloween Special Vote

It’s time for the fourth and final Halloween Special vote.

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
Start date 27-07-2017 18:30:09
End date 27-10-2017 22:59:59
Poll Results:
What should the next Drunken Review Halloween Special be?

Maximum Overdrive – Stephen King’s classic of machines gone crazy, AC/DC and a lorry that in no way looks like the Green Goblin. Recorded from the Horror Channel.

I Am The Pretty Thing That Lives in the House – a Netflix produced haunted house story. Available on Netflix.

Truth or Dare – A bunch of students play a game of Truth or Dare. With possibly deadly consequences. From the Horror Channel.

My Bloody Valentine – A classic 80s slasher film. On the Horror Channel.

Remember to sign up for the mailing list, competition details below – Halloween Giveaway

Monday Update 16/10/2017

It’s a Monday update!

Firstly, following Corking Movies. There are several ways you can follow Corking Movies now.

RSS Feed – http://feeds.feedburner.com/CorkingMovies
Twitter – @CorkingMovies
Facebook – https://www.facebook.com/search/top/?q=corking%20movies
Email Subscription (if you are from the UK and sign up to the mailing list, you will be entered into the draw for the Blu Ray copy of Hellraiser Revelations used to review).

Secondly, there is a new poll for the next film to watch (this is going to be on 21/10). Click here for descriptions of the films.

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
Start date 27-07-2017 18:30:09
End date 20-10-2017 19:59:59
Poll Results:
What should be drunkenly reviewed next?

Last week’s review is available here – 13 Eerie Drunken Review

Halloween Special Drunken Review Poll #3

So, what should be watched this weekend? It’s going to be Saturday evening rather than Friday this week.

Child’s Play. I don’t think this needs any introduction, but for some reason, I’ve never seen it.

I Am The Pretty Thing That Lives In The House. This seems to be a pretty standard haunted house story, staring Ruth Wilson, who basically owned the show Luther.

Truth or Dare. Some kids go to a cabin and play a violent game of truth or dare. It’s English, so they’ve probably all been in Game of Thrones.

We Are What We Are. The short synopsis is that there are a family of cannibals that have to kidnap victims for a ritual. It’s an American remake of a Mexican horror film.

Finally, don’t forget to sign up to the mailing list for your chance to win the copy of Hellraiser Revelations I use for the Halloween Special finale (and entry into any future draws).

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
Start date 27-07-2017 18:30:09
End date 20-10-2017 19:59:59
Poll Results:
What should be drunkenly reviewed next?

Monday Update 09/10/2017

The Legacy - House of Hell
Another 80s game geek reference. Lose one sanity.

The first Corking Movies Halloween special (spooktacular) was a doozy. Troll 2 has long been known as one of the worst films of all time. It was even the subject of an entertaining documentary entitled Best Worst Movie). It has attained cult status, giving rise to fan festivals, special screenings and its cast revel in their notoriety. As you can imagine, it was enjoyable to watch drunk, and the review is below.

Continuing our October Halloween theme, I’ve prepared the new poll. Billy Zane and Red Clover have been removed from the list having garnered no votes. I’m sure Billy Zane will appear here again. His is an odd tale, to me. He’s a decent actor, but whether it’s through bad decisions, bad advice or whatever, he’s been in a lot of bad films (and his name is tainted as such). So, in place of Red Clover and Troll 2, we have 13 Eerie (no score on Rotten Tomatoes) and The Day (29% on Rotten Tomatoes).

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
Start date 27-07-2017 18:30:09
End date 13-10-2017 19:59:59
Poll Results:
What should I watch for the next Halloween Special?

Child’s Play

As a horror fan, this is one of those films I’ve just never got round to watching. For those that don’t know, it’s about a killer doll, voiced by the fantastic Brad Dourif. It spawned many sequels.

I Am The Pretty Thing That Lives In The House

This is a Netflix special about a writer of ghost stories who moves into a house with a ghost. I expect one of those book signing endings that all films with writers in have. And jump scares and close up over the shoulder shots (you know the one, where the viewer can see what’s behind the protagonist).

The Day

This is a post apocalyptic horror, so bad haircuts are guaranteed. It’s about a bunch of survivors holes up in a farmhouse with bad guys outside.

13 Eerie

Some FBI forensic wannabes are sent to an island for some test or another. Turns out some illegal experiments were done there. One of the cast is listed as ‘Skinhead Nazi Zombie’, so that may give you some idea.