Temple – A Drunken Review

Temple. Three kids go looking for a temple in a Japanese forest. Like that’ll end well. One brave soul, fuelled only by the power of Guinness, braves the film so you don’t have to.

Temple Movie Poster
By the writer and director of Blair Witch and You’re Next (me neither)

Temple. At least the name doesn’t have any ambiguity. And we’re into the film without any production cards (is that the proper name?) or anything.

Some good torch work.

Apparently six children went missing. One of them looked very angry. There seems to be some rather pointless translations. You don’t need to tell us the book was called Folk Tales twice. We didn’t care the first time.

Folk Tales
Folk Tales!

Writer/director. Always a good sign.

I recognise the Japanese guy with the glasses.

Ooh, a child running out of shot. How original.

It’s Captain Pike!

Temple - Captain Pike
Beep beep beep

The Japanese language always seems like a no-nonsense sort of language. No vagaries. No ambiguity.

Don’t you dare be a found footage film. They’re just an excuse for bad film-making.

She’s a likeable sort of character. I sort of hope she doesn’t die. Her boyfriend is baby Ed Norton. Billy Friendzone is a bit creepy. I think we’re supposed to hope he doesn’t die. Doesn’t bother me if he does. I don’t think he will, but if he does, hope it’s quick.

I think Billy Friendzone kind of fancies Mr.Boyfriend in an “I’ll sleep with him to be with her” kind of way.

Folk Tales
Folk Tales Again!

They’ve stumbled across a narrative.

Folk Tales
Folk Tales! We don’t need the translation again!

This is well shot. However, we’re about 1/2 hour in and there doesn’t seem to be any story.

Folk Tales
Folk Tales! Seriously,
if you translate this again, I’ll punch myself in the head.

Yeah. They’re mendicant monks. Relax.

It’s a bad sign when you’re checking the time elapsed. Seriously, nothing of note has happened.

Nuts. Fell asleep. Rewind.

This seems to have high production values, but unknown actors (no disrespect, just don’t recognise them).

Billy Friendzone is filming them having sex. I still don’t think he knows which one he’d rather be with.

The storyline still hasn’t really started and we’re about halfway through.

I said just that I didn’t recognise the cast. They’re decent actors though. Just lost in a meandering script.

Kitsune. There was a World of Darkness book about them. I may still have it. Not that I was ever a goth nerd.

Vampire The Masquerade
One of the best PC RPGs ever.

Those stone figures are creepy. Maybe they know where the story is.

I think this was an indy film that was scripted and cast, but then had money thrown at it. The cast and script stayed, but the production values increased. Again, not knocking the cast, but you can tell they’re not film veterans. Not sure how. There’s just a certain something. Maybe it’s a self-belief that people only get after they’ve done a couple of films that comes through.

There’s a bigger story here about abortion. Maybe that’s the theme of the film but the director didn’t have the confidence to make it the focus. Maybe it was just some character background that was used to fill time.

A lot of torch work going on. Make up for a lack of anything else with scary torch work.

Oh. A twist. How clever. Well done. Oh. Another twist. Double twist backfire. You must be so proud. Wonder who did the catering.

Guinness – The Royal Oak, The Emerald Club, The Molineux, The Emerald Club, The Royal Oak £various

Double Ice Backfire
Double Ice Backfire!

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Monday Update 20/11/2017

Good afternoon! It’s that day of the week again.


It’s still Monday, so this is still a Monday update, OK?

Friday’s review was Knucklebones. Felt a bit sad about it not being very good, as it was obviously a labour of love for him, but not anyone else involved. Orc Wars was ditched from the list. Shame, as that would have been awesome. Added are Jessabelle, which is on Netflix and Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, which apparently has some quality Nicholas Cageism.

Turns out I didn’t upset Kandyce McClure with my review of Children of the Corn (she spoke to us via twitter – @corkingmovies if you’re interested), she thought the writing and direction sucked too.

Anyway, voting can be done over at Corkingmovies.com (and despite the conspiracy theorists, it’s not rigged). Also, any suggestions for future films, or even themes, are welcome (I don’t do intentionally bad ones though.)

Oh, and it’ll be Saturday I watch the next film – post football.

The Possession of Michael King – from the Horror Channel. Some chap (Michael King – who I assume rules over Michael Knight) gets possessed in order to prove the supernatural doesn’t exist. That’s what it says anyway. Doesn’t make much sense to me.

The Ouija Possession – Amazon Prime. Some kids play with a ouija board and release a vengeful spirit. Apparently this is a film that was released 4 years previously under a different name…

Ghost Rider – Spirit of Vengeance – Can’t remember. Film 4, I think? Johnny Blaze riding round the town with his head on fire in Eastern Europe. Probably because it’s cheaper to film there.

Jessabelle – Netflix. Girl is involved in a car crash. Goes to her childhood home, where there’s a ghost or something.

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Monday Update 13/11/2017

Monday update time.

So, Friday I watched Starry Eyes, which I really quite enjoyed. The Hellraiser draw has been made, and the winner notified. My Bloody Valentine has been removed from the poll, and two new films added- Knucklebones and The Possession of Michael King.

I had a bit of an awakening, I suppose, when one of the lead actors of Children of the Corn (Kandyse McClure) said she might read the review. It’s not a complimentary review (see here – Children of the Corn – A Drunken Review), though, and it made me wonder. Does what I do upset the people involved? Or is it dismissed as the drunken ramblings that it is (by someone who hasn’t even finished his first script)? There have been a couple of films that have annoyed me, as they appear to have been made without any intent to entertain (namely Crystal Skulls and Viking Quest), but genuinely, I think films are made by people who love cinema. I’ve always had a bit of mixed feelings about critics of any art form, as art is subjective, and some see their word a gospel and have turned written cruelty into an art (I think they tend to work for the New Yorker and the Spectator), often making ad hominem attacks on those involved.

Anyway, enough introspection…

Knucklebones – Recorded from the Horror Channel. This was a reader request. A group of students summon a demon whilst playing with dice. They probably had a low wisdom stat or something.

The Possession of Michael King – from the Horror Channel (Tuesday 14/11 11:20)Some chap (Michael King – who I assume rules over Michael Knight) gets possessed in order to prove the supernatural doesn’t exist. That’s what it says anyway. Doesn’t make much sense to me.

Orc Wars – Recorded from the Horror Channel. Some special forces chap goes and lives in a remote cabin and ends up having to protect the world from orcs.

The Ouija Possession – Amazon Prime. Some kids play with a ouija board and release a vengeful spirit. Apparently this is a film that was released 4 years previously under a different name…

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