Justice League – A Drunken Review

Justice League Official Poster
Justice League Official Poster

(Sober edit – there are spoilers.)

Corking Movies is going Big Budget. I had an offer for a film rental for 99p, so I went with Justice League. I’m football drunk after a day celebrating Wolves’ promotion to the Premier League.

Ooh. Serious music over production credits start. Then DC’s attempt to do the Marvel starting flicker.

Why does Superman’s face look CGI’d? (Sober edit. I did some research – it was because they did a reshoot and he’d grown a moustache for another film and couldn’t shave it off). That rooftop looks very much like a set.

Wait. Metropolis. Star City. Jump City. Gotham. They’re all fictional, right? But there’s Paris? London? How does that whole thing work with fictional and real locations in a fictional world? Also, using Bowie and Prince? I’m not sure if that’s in poor taste.

Wonder Woman just exploded a door with her face, I think.

The word ‘beat’ must be all over this script.

“Boo-ya!”

This film is two hours, exactly. I think it could be shorter.

The Amazonians have just opened a loot crate Jim Sterling won’t be happy.

Steppenwolf
Get yer motor running

Steppenwolf just wants to be loved. He’s not a bad villain, to be fair. There’s a lot of hokum around the Amazonians. I know they’re an ancient magical race, but there’s a lot of hokum.

Steppenwolf uses Unity to shape worlds? Does that mean it’ll be all store bought assets?

Surely he should have gone to meet The Flash as Batman? Just in case he didn’t want to join. He talks more like Lego Batman than Batman. Too many little quips.

I wish Cyborg was more like the real Cyborg.

Cyborg with a dog hand
Isn’t this so much better than someone moping around in a hoody?

Steppenwolf keeps speaking to Mother. Is he Mike Pence?

“Mother, I saw this film. The women ran the world. And there was a monkey thing. That can’t happen, can it mother?”

Flash isn’t quite as annoying as he seemed from the adverts.

Changed my mind. He is annoying.

WTF is the Bat Crab about? It’s too much. Too ‘big’.

I thought Aquaman had a trident, not a… quinqudent.

Did Cyborg do a Dr.Strangelove?

Why not finish off a bad film with a bad cover version?

A League of Their Own
Look, Lex, this is what happened the last time someone siggested that

Gehenna: Where Death Lives

Gehenna: Where Death Lives

Gehenna Poster
Gehenna Poster

SOBER EDIT – This probably has minor spoilers. Not major, but I am drunk when I write these…

The description of this wine (19 Crimes Rebellion) says that it uses rum soaked barrels. Often, when there’s a description like that, there’s only a slight flavour, but this has a real rum kick. I’m tempted to drink it from a coconut. Anyway, onto the film, Gehenna, featuring Doug Jones and Lance Henriksen. It’s released 04/05.

Apparently, when the conquistadors approached the cities of the Aztecs, they could smell the blood. The last time I saw someone’s face removed in a film, it was a HP Lovecraft based film. I passed on my collection of his books when I read some of his horribly racist poetry. Apparently he reneged on his deathbed, but it was just too much.

She’s in the water screaming for Doug. Did Doug Jones get carried away by The Shape of Water and Hellboy and actually believe he could breathe underwater. I kind of assume Saru can survive underwater.

I don’t think I’ve seen Lance Henriksen since Hellraiser 8. Shame. He’s absolutely amazing in Near Dark and absolutely nails it as Bishop in Aliens. The way he volunteers to crawl through the ducts despite not wanting to. A film moment that will always stick.

That dude’s hat is the same as the one my old Aunt Lucy toy (Sober edit: I know the sentence makes no sense, but you get the idea).

The hat is actually nothing like. My drunken memory failed me. There was a hat in my youth that looked like the one he was wearing.
Vaas
WWII bunkers on a Pacific island? Time for another picture of Vaas

Whilst watching this, I have to admit, I’m stealing the odd glance at Twitter (Sober edit – @corkingmovies if you’re interested in following me). There’s a bit going down with Trump at the moment. Potentially a tape is close to surfacing. Pee, Stormy or illegitimate child? Who knows. I’d update you, but by the time I type this up, it’ll have broken.

This wine is sort of interesting, but I’m not sure I’d have it again over some of the other 19 Crimes I’ve had. Incidentally, the crime reads “Stealing Letters, Advancing the Postage and Secreting the Money”. All of their wines have a crime on the cork. Kind of wish I’d saved others. Build a set.

There’s mines under my house. My parents’ is built on a mining raft, apparently.

One dude looks a bit like Adam Sandler, the other like Domnhall Gleeson part way through The Last Jedi. Not bought that yet. Saw it on release night. I think I need to watch it again to form an opinion. It’s like it’s written for kids. Like I was when Star Wars got its claws in me. I don’t think it was written with mumble mumble year old blokes in mind, and I need to watch it like it wasn’t.

That zombie attacking was Muppets-esque. I was meant to be afraid, but it made me giggle. I wish you could see it.

Would you get a mobile signal in a WWII Japanese bunker? There’s parts of my office where I struggle.

OK. Trump thing has gone quiet, but we have just hit Syria. So, WWIII might start before the end of the review.

The driver is an interesting and amusing character, but in the wrong film The cast gernerally are OK. They wouldn’t be out of place in a bigger budget film. That Japanese officer was actually quite gripping.

There was a note there from the original Deus Ex. God that was a wonderful game.

Alan Partridge
“Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave”

“You were born of me, therefore I have the right to kill you.” That is so messed up. I think this would have been better as an entirely Japanese film, like Ring, or The Grudge, or Spirals.

Pepe is a better serious character than he is a comedy sideshow. He was misused at first.

We had that awful zombie effect, but this is genuinely unsettling. The tone and quality of this film is oddly uneven. When it’s horrifying, it is effectively so, but there are moments that don’t quite fit.

Sorry. The timing of this strike on Syria. It stinks. Maybe I’m being foil hatty. Funny. We all know she’s not, but May looks stateswomanlike in her speech. Her stock will rise as a result, Trump’s upcoming embarassment will go away. How’s Macron doing? This is not, it seems, an UN intervention. Rachel Maddow’s speech is amazing and terrifying.

This film isn’t that bad. It’s just that the whole WWIII thing is kind of distracting. I said before, but if it was a Japanese film, it would have been better (for me). I think we kind of ignore the rough edges in foreign films.

By all accounts, the Syrian army are seeing this as a kind of victory. Wonder what would have happened if Trump hadn’t warned them in advance by tweet. He gets to look the big man and Putin isn’t pissed off.

I wish WW3 would have started during House on Elm Lake instead. This is much better.

Oh snap! This is an unexpected ending. Ah. Makes sense.

This s one of those films that had some good ideas, some decent acting, and some really messed up moments, but didn’t quite hang together to become a very good film. I’d recommend it over the likes of Insidious, for example, though. So yeah, give it a go.

Catering… Comand performance Catering. They sound badass.

Oh. Watch after the credits. Bizarre.

 

The House on Elm Lake – A Drunken/Hungover Review

Amateurville Horror

House on Elm Lake Official Poster
House on Elm Lake Official Poster

“We’ve got Neves. Who? Super Neves, I just don’t think you understand.”

Sorry, just back from the football and I think I’ve just seen the best goal I’ll ever see. Which is sort of sad in a way, like when Ian Curtis made it in America and realised he had nothing else to achieve. Anyway, I’m football drunk (the best kind), so we’d best start the film before I fall asleep.

I started watching another film, but the wobbly camera and music made me feel unwell. I’ll probably try again at the weekend.

Is that Harold Shipman?

Harold Shipman
Harold Shipman

You know when something is meant to be absolutely terrible in a film, but you find yourself unable to care? That.

Obvious ADR.

You know when they do one of the ‘making a video’ episodes in The Apprentice? The bloke here remindes me of that. There is a real lack of chemistry between the family.

That garage is a bit more like a barn.

He’s found the Necronomicon! My copy of the limited edition book is signed by Bruce Campbell. He called it a strange smelling old book.

I think this sex scene was written by Shaun Hudson or James Herbert. You know those 80s horror stories that, when you got them from the library, they fell open at certain pages?

I can imagine a creepy old ghost man would be a bit of a mood killer.

This has become a hangover review.

A girl in a haunted house with an invisible ghost friend. Good idea that has never been done before.

Amityville Horror
Nope. Never

No. This is one of those Apprentice advert episodes, where one of the team thinks they are are a professional director and another thinks they are a professional actor, despite being a recruiting agent from Croydon and the owner of a marginally succesful beauty salon chain from Tadcaster.

Alan Sugar
Pull my finger

If a friend of mine was freaking out about a sinsiter book they found in a house where somebody done a bad murder, I’d like to think I wouldn’t be so stupid as to buy them a Ouija board.

Querioo? Can’t you use Google or anything without permission? (Hungover cleared edit – you can’t. Querioo is a fake search engine – http://www.querioo.com/)

Also, if I were freaking out about a haunted house, I don’t think I’d leave my child there with a babysitter. And if I weren’t reviewing this, I’d stop and watch something else. I have a hankering for an 80s horror in the vein of Ghoulies.

Would you really go to a church to meet a psychic?

This shed is a portal to hell. Awesome.

Jesus. Where did they find this babysitter?

And is this restaurant scene being shot in someone’s living room? I feel like I’m being incredibly harsh on this, but so far it has absolutely no redeeming features. I’m sorry to all involved, but I can’t in good conscience say any different.

Seriously, you’d take a kid to the doctors with an open sore like that.

The voice effects are hilarious. See? I said something nice.

Look out! Naked Harold Shipman’s coming.

Disappointing. Naked Harold Shipman said he was going to peel the layers off one layer at a time. Instead, he just split her head with an axe (from a distance, so you didn’t see anything).

Not sure where the daughter is. I sort of zoned out.

What a bollocks ending.

I’m sure the ghost kid is actually zombie Ray Parlour.

Ray Parlour
“Whooooo…. I’m a ghost”

Party Bus To Hell – A Drunken Review

Party Bus to Hell Poster
Party Bus to Hell Poster

Well that was a mental evening’s football. 2 injury time penalties missed. Don’t think I’ve ever seen it. Last week we won with nine players on the pitch. Anyway, it’s time for Party Bus to Hell, which is due for DVD/Blu-ray release next Friday (13th April).

(Sober edit – there may be minor spoilers ahead. I only remember a night of violence and nudity).

Quick Slash, get out of there!

“Everything you say, they’ll turn against you.” I’ve been in relationships like that.

“I hate mummies.” Obviously seen the film with Tom Cruise.

I think the bus driver… I did NOT expect that. I’ve actually thought that a few times. It’s just the first time I wrote it.

OK. Regular readers will know I often get annoyed by the fact that a lot of horror films have casts where you don’t care if they live or die. This film deals with that in an interesting way. I think you’re actually encouraged to want them to die. Which they do, in droves, creatively, shockingly and violently.

Stop! Hammer time!

MC Hammer
He’s so proud of that phone.

OK. I think the biggest jerk is going to end up being the hero of the film.

Stock female scream. Every group violence scene. It’s the female Wilhelm Scream. The Wilhelmina scream?

The biggest jerk kind of reminds me of Dave Gahan (legend).

Dave Gahan
Enjoy the Violence

“Dead. It’s a side effect of being murdered.”

I was about to say that something about this reminded me of House of 1000 Corpses. Then, the evil priest dude takes off his mask and he looks like Sid Haig. I might go for an upside down head soon, but my beard’s going in a couple of weeks.

At least the psycho monk dude is friendly.

If I had to rely on the contents of my backpack to survive, I think I’d be in trouble. Some biros, a notepad and a 2000 AD trade hardback. Oh, and a big rubber band ball.

Backpack contents
Yeah. I don’t think I’m going to be fighting evil with that lot. Unless I can launch a biro into someone’s eye with an elastic band.

The bus driver is awesome. Her and the girl with the cyberpunk headgear are the most engaging. And the venture capitalist chap.

There’s lots of bits that are making me laugh here, but I’ll let you see them yourself.

My brother once found a scorpion in his bed on holiday. No. My brother was on holiday.

Scorpions
I hope it’s got that annoying whistling stuck in your head too

Now if the chosen one is supposed to be a virgin and there’s one virgin on the bus. Not sure I like the morality of this.

Again. I didn’t expect that.

I’m not sure this’ll go down too well at the church cinema group. A lot of sex and violence. I think the sex sort of took over the film for a bit, whereas I’d mainly come for the violence.

Nice 80s style monster effects. Think The Howling.

I was expecting something to happen similar to a scene in this…

Ghoulies 2
Maybe I should rewatch this as a drunken review

I called that wrong.

One of the few days I didn’t go on the bus with the lads for the football (I was in the International Lounge, seeing how the other half live), they lost the deposit because someone was sick. I think this lot might lose theirs.

I’m not sure how the opening ties in with the rest of the film.

Is that Bono? OK. For a brief moment from the back. I think I recognise this dude.

For a moment, I thought she was going to magic Love Shack onto the radio. If I was a demon, I think that’d be my power.

The B52s
“Tremble, mortals”

Ok. Who did the catering?

I enjoyed that. Some very funny stuff and some lovely gore. One for lovers of gratuitous sex and violence.

Hell’s Kitty – A Drunken Review

Hells Kitty Official Poster
Hells Kitty Official Poster

Didn’t finish till late, so didn’t get wine. Fortunately, maybe, I have a bottle my son won at a water or wine stall at his school fete. Drinking it, I’m not sure which it was. The price is printed on the foil around the screw top. It tastes like the stuff you have at a wedding reception when you only drink it because you know there’s alcohol in it and you need that little nudge over the edge.

The credits… The music… We’re back in the days when Stephen King spewed films… And seeing the protagonist’s bookshelf, King and Koontz… The writer of this grew up with the same cultural reference as me.

Obviously, we’re not far into this yet, but it’s really got me hankering for that era where horror was fun. Freddy, Jason, the zombie dude from House. They all killed with a smile.

OK. Have to say. The acting is a little rough around the edges from some, but as we are in the camp 80s domain, it’s not as much a bad thing. Binge watch Nightmare on Elm Street and you’ll see worse.

I remember the grip an ex’s cat had over her. I can fully identify with what’s going on. It was always in the room. Always. Maybe they have some sort of evolutionarily developed symbiotic control over humans. They feign love for their owners, who then provide for them. The whole thing is covered in the book Sapiens, how dogs integrated themselves into human culture so that we provide for them. They are therefore, as a species, evolutionarily successful. As is wheat. We cultivate it, spending time to help it thrive. Cattle, we feed it, nurture it, house it. Animals may get treated terribly (don’t eat meat), but, as a species, they ‘win’. The purpose of a species is to spread, to propogate. It’s not about being happy. Sorry. You’re just here to make more of you. If a species grows, it wins.

Michael Berryman! Saw him at Memorabilia. Lovely chap.

Michael Berryman
“This Bud’s for you”

This cheap wine seems to be doing the trick, weirdly. Maybe it’s because it’s because it’s a bit fizzy. Or that I’m just drinking it from the bottle. Or that I’m drinking it on top of a (horrible) craft beer.

Moltar
“Adrienne Barbeau!”

I loved The Fog. I loved Carnivale. I loved Escape from New York. I loved Cannonball Run. She’s really an 80s icon.

Pygmachophobia?

There’s some beautiful lines in this. “I’m terrified of boxes. You never know what’s in them. My husband once brought home a crate.” Even when some of the lesser actors deliver them (that last line wasn’t one of the lesser performances), the writing carries it through. Adrienne Barbeau’s performance there had the feel of a character in a David Lynch film or show. That wonderful stilted soap opera style he does. The mundane delivery of extraordinary lines. A sort of Brechtian thing, breaking down the 4th wall, intentionally breaking reality. It’s one of those things that, if you try and fail to pull it off, it’s awful. With an actor of Adrienne Barbeau’s experience, though, it works well.

Yes! Killer Klown!

The film is limited to one location. I guess that’s a budgeting thing, but if it is, and I were the writer, I think I’d make it more of a plot device. Make the protagonist a prisoner.

It’s Doug Jones! Not in makeup! Not often you see that. His voice is so distinctive though. Like the missing Crane brother. Got to respect a dude who can act in ancient Catalan.

OK. I think the film could quite easily end here. I think it’s drawn on a bit. I’ve enjoyed it and at times have laughed out loud, but I think the fact that it doesn’t have a strong narrative arc is starting to show. I have to admit, I am a little bit booze tired though (plus it’s 3 am and I was at work for 11 hours).

You know, I’ve only ever seen the remake of Children of the Corn for a drunken review. It didn’t review well, but Kandyse McClure was lovely about it.

If you’ve seen The Happiness of the Katakuris, you’ll have some handle on what’s going on at the end here.

The ending poses some of those questions where you start to ask them, then allow them to trail off because you’re not sure you want to know where the answers lead.

Hell’s Kitty had its faults, but I enjoyed it. A case of anti-Gestalt. I think there were times where the lack of a real story arc led to it dragging a bit. I wonder if it’s to do with being unable to predict a sequence of events, and therefore not seeing a narrative arc, so it being impossible to predict how much more there is to go (I think this sentence will make no sense sober, but I know what I mean). There were moments where I genuinely laughed out loud, and not just one or two. As I said earlier, some of the acting was a bit ragged, but it kind of fit and wasn’t too distracting.

 

4:20 Massacre – A Drunken Review

4/20 Massacre Poster

It’s a football drunk review, so hopefully the booze won’t put me to sleep. It was also St.Patrick’s Day, and, as we drink in an Irish club prior to and after the match (shout out to The Emerald Club, it’s management and staff), you can imagine the score.

I’m Old Gregg. You seen my downstairs mix-up.

Nice credits.

I hate the word guestimate. That’s not a criticism of the film – these are people that would use it.

This is a film by someone who knows and appreciates the genre. The choice of music and shot selection is spot on.

Buddy kinda reminds me of Will Ferrell as Buddy the Elf in Elf. Not just because of his name.

Pirates used to do this thing where they’d disembowel people and nail one end near a fire. They’d either burn or disembowel themselves. Humans are very good at figuring out ways of killing each other.

I’ve never rolled a cigar-joint.

It’s nice watching a slasher film where I don’t pretty much immediately want the cast to be butchered. Regular readers may have noticed that one of my bugbears is horror films where you don’t care about the erstwhile victims.

When did people start using the term libtard? I thought it was recent.

Actually, I know what I said about the music earlier, but it’s become a bit overbearing.

Not only are the characters ones that you want to survive (or they don’t annoy you to the point that you want them eviscerated) they actually have some depth to them.

Not the usual cookie-cutter victims

There’s a bit of a Clerks vibe to the dialogue, which is obviously a good thing. I think it’s the way there’s a direct didacticism at times, like a discussion on whether psychopaths are naturally more successful (I personally believe they are an evolutionary step forward, albeit an unpleasant one).

Do you have any new films?

I like Ranger Rick. I don’t know the actor, but I get the feeling he’s a veteran.

I enjoyed that. It wasn’t without fault – the fight sequences were a touch clumsy, which led to the ending feeling a little flat maybe. I would recommend it though. No catering in the credits though.

 

Tom Cruise’s Mummy – A Drunken Review

The Mummy – A Drunken Review

Corking Movies - The Dummy
The Mummy Official Poster

I suppose it’s testament to Tom Cruise’s saleability, and, I have to admit, his on screen charisma, that even being linked to a movement that has some negative press in the way Scientology has, his box office pull has barely dipped.

Ooh! Dark Universe. Is that still going to be a thing?

The Brendan Fraser Mummy films weren’t great. They were an Indiana Jones/Romancing the Stone crossover sort of thing. They were, however, very enjoyable.  It’s a formula that should be fairly easy to get right. I say should, because reviews have not been great. We’ll see though.

I’m guessing the Russell Crowe character is like the Mia of Keague of Extraordinary Gentlemen. Or its Nick Fury.

If ever they do a Slaine film, the guys who did the demon there to do the Horned God.

They keep referring to someone called Henry, who is, I gather, an archeologist.

Corking Movies - The Mummy
There’s only one Henry

Courtney Vance is like a young Ernie Hudson. I met Ernie Hudson once.  Nice chap.

One of the problems with Tom Cruise playing the slightly inept hero (like Indiana Jones, Han Solo or Nathan Drake) is that he’s spent so long perfecting serious that either it’s too ingrained in him, or it’s too ingrained in me, so it feels false.

I was going to say something about the pretty English professor being a stereotype of the genre, but I think with a genre film like this, it’s perfectly fine, expected, even.

When Cruise does his comedy gurning, it’s too much like when De Niro does. Just Wrong. Like I said, they spent too long being cool, being larger than life heroes, or dramatic characters to do what comes to Chris Pratt so naturally. Groucho Marx said, amongst so many other brilliant things, that it’s easier for comedy actors to go serious film than vice versa.

The best mummies were those in The Extraordinary Adventures of Adele Blanc-Sec. I suggest you watch that.

I mentioned Nathan Drake earlier. The pub they’re in is like that at the beginning of Uncharted 3.

Uncharted 3 Pub Brawl

His friend is very reminiscent of American Werewolf in London.

There’s something oddly artificial about when actors speak directly to the camera as if the viewer were the person they’re talking to. I mean, I know it is artificial, but it really looks it.

Has he wandered into Nightmare Creatures?

So Crowe is Henry Jekyl. Guess he would have been the focus of Dark Universe. I do actually wish that it had gone ahead. I think it would have been a modern day League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (marvellous comic. OK-ish film).

Is it wrong that I find undead Sofia Boutelli attractive?

In Egyptian mythology, is Set actually bad? Or is he the Gatekeeper chap? The one who weighs hearts? I like the idea of that. If you believe you’ve done right, that’s fine. It’s all about who you are, not how life has treated you. Totally tosses the stealing a loaf of bread question out of the window.

May be there’s something in Scientology. Cruise is 2 years older than Crowe.

Don’t care if Cruise’s character dies, just stop trashing the National Museum.

I think the main problem wit this is that the action scenes are too low and they aren’t fun.

This is one of those films you sort of forget you are watching.

There was something else I watched where two pupil irisis meant possession. Can’t remember what though.

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
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Film for 09/03/2018

Don’t Kill It – A Drunken Review

Dolph Lundgren fighting a demon? I’m in…

Don't Kill It
Dolph Lundgren and ludicrous net gun

The world won’t miss this guy. I assume he named his dog Titus after Titus Bramble.

This is quite a brutal film. Doing that stupid thing where they add scream and stuff that aren’t affected by either environment or movement.

Dolph’s still got fine hair.

I think that’s the first time I’ve seen a vaping hero.

This music…

Don't Kill It
“First we take 100% American beef*, then we season it with our secret blend of herbs and spices.”
Corking Movies - Evil Lyn
Evil Lyn? Maybe I should do a review of Masters of the Universe soon

That priest is evil. Nailed on…

This film isn’t quite sure where it sits. Having Dolph Lundgren in it obviously says it’s an action film. However, the pace is more of a crime thriller, and its too open to be a horror film.

Why is Dolph a demon hunter? I can’t see it paying – he doesn’t seem well off. He doesn’t seem well off- he was quite casual about it. Ah. It’s a family thing. Like the Winchesters.

I reckon the first victim in Dolph’s description of the demons is the director.

When I said the film didn’t know where it sits, I think it’s more of a case of the writer/director not wanting to take the shackles off. Whilst there’s an argument for audiences wanting more sophistication and realism in their horror, I think there are times where you just need to scrap that and go for it.

Deer’s head on the wall? Can’t help but think of Deadly Premonition.

“Do you feel it, Zach? My numerous pints of Guinness warned me about it” (this isn’t the first Deadly Premonition reference on here, and it certainly won’t be the last)

Almost constant vaping. Its not as badass as a cigar.

Some nice gore. Now they’re having fun with the whole premise.

So. If the demon moves hosts to the person who killed it, what happens if it dies in an accident? Or of disease? Or old age?

Because the town’s called Chickory Creek, I now have Son of my Father or whatever it’s called stuck in my head

This scene needed a lot more gravity, or to be played entirely for laughs. As it is, it’ somewhere in the middle, which doesn’t work.

This FBI chap is a proper 80s action film douche-bag. If he was older, in his younger days he’d have played a preppy bully, picking on John Cuzack (where is he these days?), then he’d be, well, an FBI guy who gets in the way of the hero, or an EPA agent that frees all the ghosts.

“Yes it’s true. This man has no dick.”

I didn’t hate that. It wasn’t great and I wouldn’t recommend it. When it was fun, it was a lot of fun, but there was too little of that.

Sober edit – you know what? I would recommend it, because the fun bits are worth enduring the meandering bits.

*I was a bit worried doing an image search for “American beef”…

Independence Day 2: Resurgence – A Drunken Review

Independence Day 2: Resurgence

Independence Day 2 Poster

The first Independence Day was enjoyable enough. Never going to go down in cinematic history, but as a Saturday afternoon film? It works. With a simple formula like it had, it would be hard to mess things up, but apparently they have. Let’s see.

I will never purchase this wine again. Every sip causes my nostrils to fold in towards my earlobes.

That’s some quite poor CGI.

Bill Pullman is reading a history of the Luftwaffe. We were meant to see the book. I don’t know why.

We have some ‘regular folk in space’. You know they’ll save the day. I think I recognise one of them from another corking movie review. Now ‘regular folk’ have been grounded. So, they’ll disobey that to save the world.

A prison for aliens?

Jeff Goldblum. He would have stolen the show in Thor: Ragnarok, but Taika Waititi did. Is that Charlotte Gainsbourg?

There’s an alien ship in an area controlled by an African warlord. Sorry, but over 20 years, the US government or someone would have wiped him out.

Regular Guy In Space’s girlfriend belongs in an Asylum film.

“You’re shaking hands with the President.” Heh.

Is Regular Guy in Space a Hemsworth?

“Considering he died in a test flight.” Seriously. Is that how you ask a question of a bloke about his dad in a press conference?

They’re making a big deal of the Chinese/US partnerships.

I just heard a voice and thought it was Brent Spiner. I assumed he wouldn’t be in it. It wasn’t him I heard, but he is in it. I can’t think of anything else he’s been in for a while.

“Could you sound more English please? Our audience is largely made up of idiots. And a drunk but really cool guy.”

An Englishman’s way of speaking absolutely classifies him.
The moment he talks he makes some other Englishman despise him.
One common language I’m afraid we’ll never get.
Oh why can’t the English learn to set a good example to people who’s English is painful to your ears?

I THINK SOMETHING IS GOING TO HAPPEN

A really good ending to this would be like the end of Aliens: Book One.

First reaction of humans to something unknown? Open fire. Remember how that worked out in Earth vs. The Flying Saucers?

They blasted it back to Van Der Graaf Generator or something.

So, it seems the African warlord we’ve been involved with is actually one of the nice African warlords, not a bad one.

I think, if they could have, they would have had either Charlie Day or chappy from Parks and Recreations. Instead, they have this guy.

Regular Guy In Space Who May Be A Hemsworth’s girlfriend is the president’s daughter, I think (well, the ex president). I wonder if the original was the only other time she acted. I wonder if Harry Connick Jr. is in this.

They’re making a big deal of Bill Pullman’s speech from the first one. It’s not really a very good speech. This is a good speech.

They’ve stolen the Alien aesthetic.

This sequence looks like the video at the beginning of a themed roller coaster. Or a Cine 360.

William Fichtner showed promise as an actor when he came on the scene, but his career kind of disappeared. He had something like a minute in The Dark Night. He’s a very good actor, but he’s upset someone.

Stuff being sucked into the ship. It’s kind of like Prey. I loved the demo of that, and there was a lot that was cool about the game – the way the story unfolded, the ghost kids, the general setting, but the Native American mysticism seemed a little made up (and maybe offensive) and it took longer to install than it did to complete.

This section of the game freaked me out.

At least Goldblum acknowledged that aliens go for the landmarks. I hope that was a Goldblum improv, as I don’t want to give the writers any credit.

I’m no physicist, but I’m highly dubious of the physics here.

Security on Area 51 seems a little lax.

A bunch of kids. They won’t annoy me. There’ll probably be some whole “children are the future” thing.

There’s an actor who may be Colonel Tigh from Battlestar Galactica, which would be appropriate, because I thought the space battles in Battlestar Galactica were much better than this.

Another crappy speech. They surely had the budget to pay someone who could write a decent speech, rather than just cobble something together and run with it. Tom Stoppard rewrote the dialogue for Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade and that was fantastic.

The alien queen’s movement is ripped off that of the true alien queen.

This is no pretender…

Is this your first time at a harvester? (Sober edit –  no idea what I meant here)

We’re losing. We’re being wiped out. We’ll never survive. BUT THEN… SCIENCE! Bill Pullman looks CGI’ed now he’s shaved his beard off.

I’m not so sure why they’re using old technology. I may not have been paying attention.

This space battle is unexciting. Also impressed by how quickly they learned to fly alien ships. I want this to end so I can go to bed.

William Fichtner is doing a Big Speech to people around the globe. Again not well written.

They should have just let Charlotte Gainsbourg use her natural accent. It doesn’t matter where her two dimensional character is from. She’s too good an actress for this tripe. As is Jeff Goldblum, but he has been in some tripe. He gets a free pass though, as he seems like a nice guy (and friends of a friend met him and seem to back this up).

The highlight of the film so far was when I went to the toilet and did a Ric Flair walk back.

WhooooooO!
Whooooo!

End of game boss.

There can’t be 25 minutes of this left. Why is the alien queen chasing the school bus? IT DOESN’T MATTER OTHER THAN MAIN CAST ARE ON BOARD. Alien queen has a Destiny thing going on.

At least you don’t have to buy endless DLC to get to the end of this film.

If it stops more movies like this, I’d help the aliens end the world. It’d be for the greater good.

As plans go, this is right up there with Superman flying round the world until he travels back in time.

There’s shouting! There’s hollering! But there’s no acting.

You have to green screen that? Seriously?

Charlotte Gaisbourg’s character is actually French, it seems.

Five people wrote this script. Five. I bet there were even more doing the catering.

Larry Franco? He should know better.

It takes a lot of people to make a film this bad. There are 18 accountants. Caterers were Roland Gonzalez and Mario’s Catering. I don’t know if Roland works for Mario;s.

With the many people involved, how did nobody say “Look, stop, this is a complete mess.”

 

Bright – A Drunken Review

Bright

As there was some slight confusion with the poll this week, I’m taking matters into my own hands and watching Bright. Unlike most of what I watch, it’s only a day old. From trailers, it looks a lot like Shadowrun (the RPG for those that couldn’t choose between Cyberpunk and D&D)

Once, a dragon was voted in as president, but the designers didn’t like it and had him assassinated

My first concern is that this is a Will Smith film released direct to Netflix. This could be the start of an unfortunate trend in cinema. My other concern is that the different species may be a heavy handed metaphor for issues of race. Not that race isn’t an issue that needs to be discussed – it does. It’s just that having orcs representing people of colour runs the risk of trivialising things.

And yep. Heavy handed metaphor it is.

If a cop blamed his partner for being shot, would they really be put straight back together?

Orc walking through crowd. People laughing at the sign on his back. Before they see it.

Will Smith is an ass in this. Playing a racist cop.

Ricketty Cricket is going mad with a sword.

Let's get weird
Look. Every tramp in every film I review will be compared to Ricketty Cricket

Now Will Smith is not a racist cop. Not sure what his character is meant to be. He looks the same age as in Independence Day though.

The Dark Elves need three magic wands to raise the Dark Lord. Sounds like we’re in really badly written RPG script territory here.

Cannock Chase Castle
From Wikipedia – Cannock is a kingdom and one of the three kingdoms founded in Torland  the descendants of the Dragon Quest hero and Princess Gwaelin

I imagine the Dark Elves to be emo types. Probably listen to My Chemical Romance while playing Vampire:The Masquerade (look, this film is like an RPG I like, so you have to expect RPG references).

I like that claymore mines have “front towards enemy) stamped on them. Just in case.

If only Acme products were labelled like claymore mines

The Bright’s name is Tikka. Hope she doesn’t turn chicken. Korma is a bitch.

One of those film moments where a character could try and explain, but they just shout and threaten instead.

I think this film would have been happier being born in the 80s.

Noomi Rapace. We don’t see enough of her. Has she appeared in the MCU? If not, surely she has to at some point.

Does the orc cop have family? I think that’s kind of important.

Of course orcs like speed metal. Thought I saw Chester Bennington in the club. Then realised it couldn’t be, which was sad.

Do the police not turn up to shoot outs? Dark Elves are pretty badass.

This isn’t as bad as critical have made out (or to me it isn’t). It has flaws, but it’s enjoyable enough.

Agh. One of those “Why didn’t you do that earlier?” “Because the script.” moments. There’s no need for that. If you basically undo something you’ve just done, it’s just redundant.

The film’s becoming a bit rambling now. They could, and should, have wrapped it up by now. In the good old days, it would have just ended there. Maybe a smart arse quip to the Feds.

Way to oversell a joke.

Seriously. End it. The audience will remember the last moments. That’s why films have very little in the way of epilogue. It’s shoot shoot, explosions, quip, pan out to show scenes of devastation, credits.