Don’t Kill It – A Drunken Review

Dolph Lundgren fighting a demon? I’m in…

Don't Kill It
Dolph Lundgren and ludicrous net gun

The world won’t miss this guy. I assume he named his dog Titus after Titus Bramble.

This is quite a brutal film. Doing that stupid thing where they add scream and stuff that aren’t affected by either environment or movement.

Dolph’s still got fine hair.

I think that’s the first time I’ve seen a vaping hero.

This music…

Don't Kill It
“First we take 100% American beef*, then we season it with our secret blend of herbs and spices.”
Corking Movies - Evil Lyn
Evil Lyn? Maybe I should do a review of Masters of the Universe soon

That priest is evil. Nailed on…

This film isn’t quite sure where it sits. Having Dolph Lundgren in it obviously says it’s an action film. However, the pace is more of a crime thriller, and its too open to be a horror film.

Why is Dolph a demon hunter? I can’t see it paying – he doesn’t seem well off. He doesn’t seem well off- he was quite casual about it. Ah. It’s a family thing. Like the Winchesters.

I reckon the first victim in Dolph’s description of the demons is the director.

When I said the film didn’t know where it sits, I think it’s more of a case of the writer/director not wanting to take the shackles off. Whilst there’s an argument for audiences wanting more sophistication and realism in their horror, I think there are times where you just need to scrap that and go for it.

Deer’s head on the wall? Can’t help but think of Deadly Premonition.

“Do you feel it, Zach? My numerous pints of Guinness warned me about it” (this isn’t the first Deadly Premonition reference on here, and it certainly won’t be the last)

Almost constant vaping. Its not as badass as a cigar.

Some nice gore. Now they’re having fun with the whole premise.

So. If the demon moves hosts to the person who killed it, what happens if it dies in an accident? Or of disease? Or old age?

Because the town’s called Chickory Creek, I now have Son of my Father or whatever it’s called stuck in my head

This scene needed a lot more gravity, or to be played entirely for laughs. As it is, it’ somewhere in the middle, which doesn’t work.

This FBI chap is a proper 80s action film douche-bag. If he was older, in his younger days he’d have played a preppy bully, picking on John Cuzack (where is he these days?), then he’d be, well, an FBI guy who gets in the way of the hero, or an EPA agent that frees all the ghosts.

“Yes it’s true. This man has no dick.”

I didn’t hate that. It wasn’t great and I wouldn’t recommend it. When it was fun, it was a lot of fun, but there was too little of that.

Sober edit – you know what? I would recommend it, because the fun bits are worth enduring the meandering bits.

*I was a bit worried doing an image search for “American beef”…

Independence Day 2: Resurgence – A Drunken Review

Independence Day 2: Resurgence

Independence Day 2 Poster

The first Independence Day was enjoyable enough. Never going to go down in cinematic history, but as a Saturday afternoon film? It works. With a simple formula like it had, it would be hard to mess things up, but apparently they have. Let’s see.

I will never purchase this wine again. Every sip causes my nostrils to fold in towards my earlobes.

That’s some quite poor CGI.

Bill Pullman is reading a history of the Luftwaffe. We were meant to see the book. I don’t know why.

We have some ‘regular folk in space’. You know they’ll save the day. I think I recognise one of them from another corking movie review. Now ‘regular folk’ have been grounded. So, they’ll disobey that to save the world.

A prison for aliens?

Jeff Goldblum. He would have stolen the show in Thor: Ragnarok, but Taika Waititi did. Is that Charlotte Gainsbourg?

There’s an alien ship in an area controlled by an African warlord. Sorry, but over 20 years, the US government or someone would have wiped him out.

Regular Guy In Space’s girlfriend belongs in an Asylum film.

“You’re shaking hands with the President.” Heh.

Is Regular Guy in Space a Hemsworth?

“Considering he died in a test flight.” Seriously. Is that how you ask a question of a bloke about his dad in a press conference?

They’re making a big deal of the Chinese/US partnerships.

I just heard a voice and thought it was Brent Spiner. I assumed he wouldn’t be in it. It wasn’t him I heard, but he is in it. I can’t think of anything else he’s been in for a while.

“Could you sound more English please? Our audience is largely made up of idiots. And a drunk but really cool guy.”

An Englishman’s way of speaking absolutely classifies him.
The moment he talks he makes some other Englishman despise him.
One common language I’m afraid we’ll never get.
Oh why can’t the English learn to set a good example to people who’s English is painful to your ears?


A really good ending to this would be like the end of Aliens: Book One.

First reaction of humans to something unknown? Open fire. Remember how that worked out in Earth vs. The Flying Saucers?

They blasted it back to Van Der Graaf Generator or something.

So, it seems the African warlord we’ve been involved with is actually one of the nice African warlords, not a bad one.

I think, if they could have, they would have had either Charlie Day or chappy from Parks and Recreations. Instead, they have this guy.

Regular Guy In Space Who May Be A Hemsworth’s girlfriend is the president’s daughter, I think (well, the ex president). I wonder if the original was the only other time she acted. I wonder if Harry Connick Jr. is in this.

They’re making a big deal of Bill Pullman’s speech from the first one. It’s not really a very good speech. This is a good speech.

They’ve stolen the Alien aesthetic.

This sequence looks like the video at the beginning of a themed roller coaster. Or a Cine 360.

William Fichtner showed promise as an actor when he came on the scene, but his career kind of disappeared. He had something like a minute in The Dark Night. He’s a very good actor, but he’s upset someone.

Stuff being sucked into the ship. It’s kind of like Prey. I loved the demo of that, and there was a lot that was cool about the game – the way the story unfolded, the ghost kids, the general setting, but the Native American mysticism seemed a little made up (and maybe offensive) and it took longer to install than it did to complete.

This section of the game freaked me out.

At least Goldblum acknowledged that aliens go for the landmarks. I hope that was a Goldblum improv, as I don’t want to give the writers any credit.

I’m no physicist, but I’m highly dubious of the physics here.

Security on Area 51 seems a little lax.

A bunch of kids. They won’t annoy me. There’ll probably be some whole “children are the future” thing.

There’s an actor who may be Colonel Tigh from Battlestar Galactica, which would be appropriate, because I thought the space battles in Battlestar Galactica were much better than this.

Another crappy speech. They surely had the budget to pay someone who could write a decent speech, rather than just cobble something together and run with it. Tom Stoppard rewrote the dialogue for Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade and that was fantastic.

The alien queen’s movement is ripped off that of the true alien queen.

This is no pretender…

Is this your first time at a harvester? (Sober edit –  no idea what I meant here)

We’re losing. We’re being wiped out. We’ll never survive. BUT THEN… SCIENCE! Bill Pullman looks CGI’ed now he’s shaved his beard off.

I’m not so sure why they’re using old technology. I may not have been paying attention.

This space battle is unexciting. Also impressed by how quickly they learned to fly alien ships. I want this to end so I can go to bed.

William Fichtner is doing a Big Speech to people around the globe. Again not well written.

They should have just let Charlotte Gainsbourg use her natural accent. It doesn’t matter where her two dimensional character is from. She’s too good an actress for this tripe. As is Jeff Goldblum, but he has been in some tripe. He gets a free pass though, as he seems like a nice guy (and friends of a friend met him and seem to back this up).

The highlight of the film so far was when I went to the toilet and did a Ric Flair walk back.


End of game boss.

There can’t be 25 minutes of this left. Why is the alien queen chasing the school bus? IT DOESN’T MATTER OTHER THAN MAIN CAST ARE ON BOARD. Alien queen has a Destiny thing going on.

At least you don’t have to buy endless DLC to get to the end of this film.

If it stops more movies like this, I’d help the aliens end the world. It’d be for the greater good.

As plans go, this is right up there with Superman flying round the world until he travels back in time.

There’s shouting! There’s hollering! But there’s no acting.

You have to green screen that? Seriously?

Charlotte Gaisbourg’s character is actually French, it seems.

Five people wrote this script. Five. I bet there were even more doing the catering.

Larry Franco? He should know better.

It takes a lot of people to make a film this bad. There are 18 accountants. Caterers were Roland Gonzalez and Mario’s Catering. I don’t know if Roland works for Mario;s.

With the many people involved, how did nobody say “Look, stop, this is a complete mess.”


Bright – A Drunken Review


As there was some slight confusion with the poll this week, I’m taking matters into my own hands and watching Bright. Unlike most of what I watch, it’s only a day old. From trailers, it looks a lot like Shadowrun (the RPG for those that couldn’t choose between Cyberpunk and D&D)

Once, a dragon was voted in as president, but the designers didn’t like it and had him assassinated

My first concern is that this is a Will Smith film released direct to Netflix. This could be the start of an unfortunate trend in cinema. My other concern is that the different species may be a heavy handed metaphor for issues of race. Not that race isn’t an issue that needs to be discussed – it does. It’s just that having orcs representing people of colour runs the risk of trivialising things.

And yep. Heavy handed metaphor it is.

If a cop blamed his partner for being shot, would they really be put straight back together?

Orc walking through crowd. People laughing at the sign on his back. Before they see it.

Will Smith is an ass in this. Playing a racist cop.

Ricketty Cricket is going mad with a sword.

Let's get weird
Look. Every tramp in every film I review will be compared to Ricketty Cricket

Now Will Smith is not a racist cop. Not sure what his character is meant to be. He looks the same age as in Independence Day though.

The Dark Elves need three magic wands to raise the Dark Lord. Sounds like we’re in really badly written RPG script territory here.

Cannock Chase Castle
From Wikipedia – Cannock is a kingdom and one of the three kingdoms founded in Torland  the descendants of the Dragon Quest hero and Princess Gwaelin

I imagine the Dark Elves to be emo types. Probably listen to My Chemical Romance while playing Vampire:The Masquerade (look, this film is like an RPG I like, so you have to expect RPG references).

I like that claymore mines have “front towards enemy) stamped on them. Just in case.

If only Acme products were labelled like claymore mines

The Bright’s name is Tikka. Hope she doesn’t turn chicken. Korma is a bitch.

One of those film moments where a character could try and explain, but they just shout and threaten instead.

I think this film would have been happier being born in the 80s.

Noomi Rapace. We don’t see enough of her. Has she appeared in the MCU? If not, surely she has to at some point.

Does the orc cop have family? I think that’s kind of important.

Of course orcs like speed metal. Thought I saw Chester Bennington in the club. Then realised it couldn’t be, which was sad.

Do the police not turn up to shoot outs? Dark Elves are pretty badass.

This isn’t as bad as critical have made out (or to me it isn’t). It has flaws, but it’s enjoyable enough.

Agh. One of those “Why didn’t you do that earlier?” “Because the script.” moments. There’s no need for that. If you basically undo something you’ve just done, it’s just redundant.

The film’s becoming a bit rambling now. They could, and should, have wrapped it up by now. In the good old days, it would have just ended there. Maybe a smart arse quip to the Feds.

Way to oversell a joke.

Seriously. End it. The audience will remember the last moments. That’s why films have very little in the way of epilogue. It’s shoot shoot, explosions, quip, pan out to show scenes of devastation, credits.


Left Behind – A Drunken Review

It’s the rapture! And Nicholas Cage has been… Left Behind. At least I had a bottle of wine to help me through my tribulations. Expect some drunken musing on all things cinematic and ecumenical.

Left Behind movie poster
Has Cage been airbrushed in?

It’s another Nick Cage special. Based on a badly written book about the end times. Did start reading it as a joke, but it was so badly written and offensive. Apparently, in the video game (yes…) there’s demons that come out of UN trucks. We’re in tinfoil hat territory here.

Left Behind Video Game
Left Behind – the video game.

I wish you were here to hear this music. And I was somewhere else. Wait. It’s part of a trilogy? Was there a reason that there were so many copies of the book Acts of God? Was it some sort of product placement?

The music. It’s infomercial material. Uh oh. Nicholas Cage took off his wedding ring. He’s a bad man.

You know that scene in one of the Modern Warfare games where you walk through the airport shooting civilians? I want that to happen to this airport.

Take that, Rayford Steel and Buck Williams.

Nicholas Cage’s daughter is an evangelical atheist. In about 10 minutes, she’s attacked some stranger about it and slagged off her own mother for being religious. I reckon she’ll come to see the light by the end of it. The writers think non believers are Bad People(tm). Now shes banging on about it to handsome investigative journalist man (it’s been  repeatedly pointed out  that’s what he is). The religious polemic is heavy handed as it gets. Captain Steel?

Random porter guy just rolled up and gave Captain Steel’s daughter two U2 tickets for her dad. Took him two weeks to find them. The people who write this stuff. They don’t actually experience real life, do they?

Now Investigative Journalist has walked into the aircraft cabin to hand Captain Steel the tickets. This is post 9-11.

His name isn’t just Captain Steel. It’s Captain Rayford Steel.

Angry midget is angry, Bad music is still playing. There’s so much badness going on, I’ve scarcely had chance to drink.

Mom just put her gloves on an obviously placed Bible. She’s religious, you see. She’ll be swept up in the Rapture.

Captain Rayford Steel is giving it the anti God stuff again. I’m an atheist,, but that’s just my thing. If people want to believe, that’s their thing.

That blocked road is the most blocked road ever. It’s about as subtle as the dialogue. Ironically it’s probably a metaphor that’s too subtle for me to get.

Stop it Rayford Steel. She’s young enough to be your daughter. And too young to be impressed by U2 tickets.

Remember in Steven Spielberg’s War of the Worlds where the heat rays left clothes behind? Well that’s what happens when people get Raptured. So what if the Steven Spielberg’s War of the Worlds aliens were just Rapturing people?

War of the Worlds Tripod
“Do not fear us. We are only trying to save your eternal souls.”

Muslim guy didn’t get Raptured. He just said “Alluha Akbar” when it happened.  I don’t think it;’s an expression of surprise.

I wonder if U2 were taken up in the Rapture? If so, those tickets were a waste of money.

There’s post rapture looting going on and some big bearded guy just legged it out with a whole load of dresses.

By the way, you know that thing about aeroplanes needing at least one atheist pilot in case of the rapture? Hopefully I don’t have to tell you it’s nonsense.

I love scenes where it sounds like everyone is screaming, but there’s nobody with their mouth open.

Captain Rayford Steel is trying to get his mobile to work in flight (it was already on and not in aeroplane mode) and is annoyed by the lack of signal.

A drug addict. Obviously not Raptured.

Guy was judgmental about midget’s gambling habit. So, basically, guy who cast first stone ascended (sober edit – I finally remembered what the real word was).

investigative journalist was speaking as if doing a report while taking stills pictures with a camera. He was broadcasting to no-one and he was not recording anything.

Both pilots on that plane ascended. Bad luck to the imperfect people on there. The whole Rapture thing was badly thought out. For many people there’s no opportunity for redemption. If God is real, there’s people who’ve not had the chance to find him, or have grown up in societies where another religion is predominant (and it’s seen as apostasy to teach any other kind of religion. There’s people who experience awful deprived lives. Should eternal damnation be warranted based on an accident of birth? Take the gambling midget in this. What if he started gambling (not exactly the worst sin) as a form of escape due to bullying and shit? The Muslim chap – if he was from Saudi Arabia, the opportunity to be ‘taught’ Christianity would be severely limited. Rich white Americans would be OK though. They’ve had easy lives. Their faith hasn’t been tested. I bet the writers of this would expect Trump and Pence to ascend.

“Mother, will Uncle Donald be coming to Heaven too?”

THAT DUDE SHOT A JUGGALO. It was a bit back, but I just remembered. He;d probably watched Batman and got confused. What about people like the Joker who are insane and do horrific things? If it’s like a chemical insanity, should they be punished? Some people’s brains are just wired wrong. The whole idea only those who are good and true going to heaven only works with a level playing field. You’re a parent. Your child is starving. You see a load of bread unguarded on a market stall. What do you do? If you are willing to risk your eternal soul to feed your child, that is about the most selfless thing you can do. But you are punished for it. At least with the Egyptian death myth, it’s about your moral balance.  If you have done what you believe to be right, you go on the up escalator.

Where did she get a gun?

I’m sure the Rapture, like this, isn’t actually in the Bible.

During the Tribulation, if someone shows themselves to be a True Believer, can they be plucked out? From what I’ve read, belief during the Tribulation will be so much harder than belief before it.

This feels like a pilot (ironically, Nicholas Cage doesn’t).

Ah. The gun belonged to an Air Marshall., to quote Nicholas Cage “The Air Marshall? I forgot about him.” The writers did too, it seems. It’s like they’d filmed the bits with the gun, then suddenly realised they hadn’t explained where it came from. Like a reverse Chekhov’s Revolver. We’ll call it Bay’s Automatic.

If the Rapture happened, I’d call round people I didn’t like (as I’m an atheist, I’d be stuck down here), and, if they answered, it’d be like “Get in.”

Victory baby
“So you’re stuck here too? Good.”

Also, if you lived and died pre-Rapture, and weren’t a True Believer, would that mean you went to Hell or Purgatory? At least if you were around when the Tribulation kick off, there’s some solid proof that there’s a God and stuff. Also, what happens if you lived and died BC? I imagine a lot of our readers won’t be religious sorts. I’d love someone who is to read this and answer my questions. Not in an “I’m Richard Dawkins and I want to tear down everything that helps you cope with life” kind of way, but with genuine interest. I’m not too proud to admit I’m wrong. At least I assume I’m not. Its just never happened yet.

More Heaven/Hell stuff. If you genuinely believed in Hell, you would not stop until everyone you cared about was converted, or you died trying. If you were to believe for a moment you had not done everything possible to convert people it would make you a terrible person (and I assume destine you for Hell). I once had a friend who was a Seventh Day Adventist. I asked him if he thought I was going to Hell. With a shrug of the shoulders he said “Yes”. Surely his lack of an attempt to save me was worse than if he’d seen me bleeding out at the side of the road? Also, if you believe in Hell, by having children, aren’t you at risk of creating a life that may end up in Hell? No matter how devout the parent, there’s always that risk (sober edit – I wrote a short story that touched on this that is published here –

You know in Wayne’s World where they used stock footage to show the plane flying to the UK? This makes that look like Blade Runner 2049. I think, come the New Year, I’m going to buy, and watch, the other two films. And if I buy it, it means giveaway time.

Captain Rayford Steel’s daughter has cleared a path by the men at work signs. Turns out they weren’t a metaphor, just foreshadowing. I feel good for myself in that I didn’t fail to grasp a metaphor, but feel bad for the writers that even with my low opinion of them I still managed to overestimate them.

This film really doesn’t act as a debate about morality or belief or anything. It’s just a bad disaster movie.

One plus point. Nick Cage’s hairline is less ludicrous than Ghost Rider. Also, Evil Temptress Stewardess is remarkably attractive. I don’t care who did the catering. Everyone involved was either judgmental or greedy (both of which would possibly mean you get left behind).

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
Start date 27-07-2017 18:30:09
End date 22-12-2017 19:59:59
Poll Results:
What review would you like to see on the weekend after 22/12/17

Temple – A Drunken Review

Temple. Three kids go looking for a temple in a Japanese forest. Like that’ll end well. One brave soul, fuelled only by the power of Guinness, braves the film so you don’t have to.

Temple Movie Poster
By the writer and director of Blair Witch and You’re Next (me neither)

Temple. At least the name doesn’t have any ambiguity. And we’re into the film without any production cards (is that the proper name?) or anything.

Some good torch work.

Apparently six children went missing. One of them looked very angry. There seems to be some rather pointless translations. You don’t need to tell us the book was called Folk Tales twice. We didn’t care the first time.

Folk Tales
Folk Tales!

Writer/director. Always a good sign.

I recognise the Japanese guy with the glasses.

Ooh, a child running out of shot. How original.

It’s Captain Pike!

Temple - Captain Pike
Beep beep beep

The Japanese language always seems like a no-nonsense sort of language. No vagaries. No ambiguity.

Don’t you dare be a found footage film. They’re just an excuse for bad film-making.

She’s a likeable sort of character. I sort of hope she doesn’t die. Her boyfriend is baby Ed Norton. Billy Friendzone is a bit creepy. I think we’re supposed to hope he doesn’t die. Doesn’t bother me if he does. I don’t think he will, but if he does, hope it’s quick.

I think Billy Friendzone kind of fancies Mr.Boyfriend in an “I’ll sleep with him to be with her” kind of way.

Folk Tales
Folk Tales Again!

They’ve stumbled across a narrative.

Folk Tales
Folk Tales! We don’t need the translation again!

This is well shot. However, we’re about 1/2 hour in and there doesn’t seem to be any story.

Folk Tales
Folk Tales! Seriously,
if you translate this again, I’ll punch myself in the head.

Yeah. They’re mendicant monks. Relax.

It’s a bad sign when you’re checking the time elapsed. Seriously, nothing of note has happened.

Nuts. Fell asleep. Rewind.

This seems to have high production values, but unknown actors (no disrespect, just don’t recognise them).

Billy Friendzone is filming them having sex. I still don’t think he knows which one he’d rather be with.

The storyline still hasn’t really started and we’re about halfway through.

I said just that I didn’t recognise the cast. They’re decent actors though. Just lost in a meandering script.

Kitsune. There was a World of Darkness book about them. I may still have it. Not that I was ever a goth nerd.

Vampire The Masquerade
One of the best PC RPGs ever.

Those stone figures are creepy. Maybe they know where the story is.

I think this was an indy film that was scripted and cast, but then had money thrown at it. The cast and script stayed, but the production values increased. Again, not knocking the cast, but you can tell they’re not film veterans. Not sure how. There’s just a certain something. Maybe it’s a self-belief that people only get after they’ve done a couple of films that comes through.

There’s a bigger story here about abortion. Maybe that’s the theme of the film but the director didn’t have the confidence to make it the focus. Maybe it was just some character background that was used to fill time.

A lot of torch work going on. Make up for a lack of anything else with scary torch work.

Oh. A twist. How clever. Well done. Oh. Another twist. Double twist backfire. You must be so proud. Wonder who did the catering.

Guinness – The Royal Oak, The Emerald Club, The Molineux, The Emerald Club, The Royal Oak £various

Double Ice Backfire
Double Ice Backfire!
This poll is closed! Poll activity:
Start date 27-07-2017 18:30:09
End date 22-12-2017 19:59:59
Poll Results:
What review would you like to see on the weekend after 22/12/17

America 3000 – A Drunken Review


The poster has a sort of monkey man, called Argh the Awful, holding a boom box and the Stars and Stripes. It’s by the Cannon Group. My wine is £4 a bottle. I don’t hold up much hope for this evening.

Wow. That’s some blurry text. So. 900 years ago the world was nuked. Now it’s ‘woggos’ which apparently means crazy.

900 years. I’m not sure how far back a nuclear war would set us, but I assume it wouldn’t be tobl anything near AD 0. Even if it set us back to something like the 10th Century, we’d have restored civilisation to the 19th Century or something. Unless, as the whole film is about a post nuclear society run by women and the writer has some mysoginistic message about women being unable to build a society. I doubt it though. It’s more that he has/had a sort of slave fantasy thing happening. The 80s guitar soundtrack is massively out of place. The voice over is in that weirdly weirdly chirpy comedic fashion that “A Boy and his Dog” has.

Future review, maybe? While since I saw it.

Apparently it “doesn’t take much to set the fraus off” (according to the narrator). This film wouldn’t pass the Bechdel test.

The women look like they are from G.L.O.W. Their acting is marginally worse.

Maybe that’s what the film needed – trash talking.

Sorry. It’s Argh the Terrible, not Argh the Awful (sober edit. It was Argh the Awful after all).

I’m sorry, this whole regressing back to the dark age (sober edit. Past the dark ages, way past) is bugging me. Society evolved once, it would again. Also the fact that 90% of the dialogue is narration, because the writer can’t show and has to tell and when there is dialogue, it’s in some pidgin English that you can’t understand, so the narrator has to translate.

Is this film the reason the right are so afraid of women? Apparently “seeding is a cold act”. Probably for the writer of this mess.

“Mother, I saw this film. The women ran the world. And there was a monkey thing. That can’t happen, can it mother?”

“Plugarts got negi smarts.” That’s the sort of dialogue I’m having to deal with, so you don’t have to. That example is pretty standard for this film. It’s not a case of generally it’s normal, but there’s the odd person who speaks slang. Also, why do the men and women share a dialect if they don’t exist together? And why is there a dead chap at the console of that bunker that is, it seems, bomb proof and there’s no sign of violence? And why is what appears to be a laser gun still charged? Surely, if it has some sort of battery, even unused, it would drain over 900 years? Is he going to find some Fancy Lad Snack Cakes?

“Best Before.” That’s just a recommendation, right?

The president’s bunker has an old arcade cabinet in it.

I hate when they use current guns and put bits on. Like he’s got a Steyr Aug with some lights on, and it’s supposed to be a laser gun.

There’s some Roman-esque old guy looking for young men and boys he refers to as ‘toys’. A little on the creepy side. The narrator has gone away, which is nice, but is done mean the main guy is speaking more. And there’s some horrible glockenspiel music.

They’re turning the freed “machos” (futurespeak for slaves) into men by dipping their heads in water (sober edit – I was going to say something about this being a baptism metaphor at the time, I think).

Corvus, known now as President (assumedly because of the amount of cheese in the film) rides in, blasting some 80s rock.


Seriously, is this how the director sees sex?

What was that film – Beyond the Forbidden Zone? Starchaser or something? Watched it a few times. If there was a golden age of sci-fi, that and this were from its Bronze Age, that post Star Wars desperation to cash in.

Where is all the hair spray coming from? Who was the narrator talking to? He’s stepped down now – he’s just being Corvus’s best mate. Is the final scene going to be him speaking to a bunch of kids of both genders? Also, who raised Corvus and his pal? I don’t recall seeing any older chaps. This has a large cast.

I was about to ask how so many could allow such stupidity to happen

Oh. Not only does the President’s bunker have an arcade cabinet, it has a pinball table. Also, the President’s bunker looks like a cheap motel room. Where, it seems, he was expected to live. Forever.

I get the feeling that the writer and director was doing both at the same time.

In this, some men are kept around the women’s homes. They are emasculated and have their tongues cut out. I think that is supposed to be the writer’s take on espionage.

While men and women are dying, the president is enjoying himself in the bunker.

Guess it’s accurate after all

For a cheap wine, this was tolerable. Argh the Awful is sad. Therefore I am sad.

The creepy Romanesque guy was Israel’s first mime, apparently.

Wait. Men and women *can* live together? All it takes is for two hot people to make out in front of them? To be honest that just makes me uncomfortable. I’m kind of reminded of the book Venus in Furs, in which the message is that two people can’t have a relationship without there being a master and a servant. I recommend you read it. It’s writer gave rise to the word ‘masochism.’ The opposite term comes from the Marquis de Sade. I don’t recommend you read 100 Day of Sodom by him. Seriously. It’s a couple of hundred years old and I was unable to stomach it.

As I watched this on Netflix, I didn’t get to see who did the catering.

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
Start date 27-07-2017 18:30:09
End date 22-12-2017 19:59:59
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What review would you like to see on the weekend after 22/12/17

Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance -A Drunken Review

Looks badass, right?Wrong.

Hyde Park entertainment. What did I watch by them that was awful?

Marvel Knights. Kind of like they’re trying to keep this separate. They should do a Moon Knight film, only a) they’d probably have to arm wrestle Sony for the rights and b) they know I’d kill them if they got it wrong. If Rob Lowe was younger, he’d probably be a good Marc Spector.

Monks in a High Tech Bunker. That’s the name of my prog-industrial band. We’re a bit like Download.

The Eyes of Stanley Pain

They just shot Anthony Stewart Head. He probably asked them to, so he could escape this film.

So, Ghost Rider punishes people who download illegally? Or is that the film company? This whole opening is a sad attempt at trying to emulate the opening of Kick Ass.

I get the feeling Idris Elba left the motor running when he did his bit.

Was this filmed on an iPhone? Not even a knew one or anything.

Kajagoogoo is the highlight of this film so far.

Hey! It’s Jean Reno’s older brother.

How can a flaming skeleton overact? I’m impressed.

How can this Nicholas Cage be the same one as in Leaving Las Vegas, Raising Arizona and Wild at Heart? He obviously can act. Do directors make that much difference, or is he taking the piss?

Cage keeps grabbing his hand. Is he having a stroke? Also, is his hairdresser the same one Brad Dourif used in Dune?

Never read any of the books. Do I have enough time left on earth to read them all?

The power of the deal? Isn’t that Donald Trump’s book?

I there a name for the sort of lighting they use when they’re working in a small area to make it look like a big area, only it doesn’t work?


That is some prime Nicholas Cage overacting. Not quite Wicker Man, but not far off.

Is he Scottish or Slavic, or both? Yeah. The thing about an indestructible good guy against some low rent mooks is that there’s no threat. Struggling to get through this. There’s no real drive. No goal. No motivation. NO POINT. Apparently Nicholas Cage has quit making Ghost Rider films. Watching this, I think he already had.

No! Don’t bring him back from the dead! He can’t act! Oh. You’ve not only done that, you’ve made him look like Ron Perlman in Beauty and the Beast.

Taking a brief break from owning Donald Trump

I was wrong. It was filmed on a GoPro. Hey look! It’s Raiden.

Heh heh heh

Are there no black actors from French speaking nations? Idris Elba is a good actor. He was Stringer Bell, for God’s sake, but his accent is awful.

This subterranean cave with no discernible lighting source is well lit.

Oh. Looked down to write the above. Looked up and there’s a bad metal video on. Oh. No. Wait. It’s still Ghost Rider.

I might do a Nicholas Cage special in the future. Not watching The Wicker Man again though, so screw you.

We’re near the end. Can’t wait.

FFS. If my four year old wrote this script, I’d ground him and make him do it again.

Wilhelm Scream. Ordinarily, this would fill me with joy, but here it is cynically, soullessly used. Couple of shots there look like they were from a good film. So incongruous.

Did he just send the Devil to Hell? Where he’s kind of a big deal? Not much if a struggle either.

It takes two directors to make a film that bad.

I hope there was no catering.

Still not sure why it was in Eastern Europe. I assume it was budgetary reasons.

There was catering. By Dada Catering. Apt. Duchamp put a toilet in a gallery. This film belongs in a toiet.

I can imagine the directors say ‘bro’ a lot, but are too old to.

Again, this film is so bad it has annoyed me. I hope the directors are never employed in the movie industry again.

Weirdly, film stops and Idris Elba is on. In two minutes, he’s out acted his Ghost Rider self.

Guinness – Royal Oak (Cannock), Emerald Club (Wolverhampton), Molineux Stadium (5-1 vs Bolton), Emerald Club again, then finally back at the Royal Oak.

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
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What review would you like to see on the weekend after 22/12/17

Knucklebones -A Drunken Review

Sober edit. There are spoilers. And swearing.


So, Knucklebones it is, and Orc Wars is consigned to the bargain bucket of history. I think I might have found that interesting.

Wait. Is this just unused FMV from Red Alert?

Red Alert FMV rocked

This music is like circa 2000 post-industrial stuff. Like Gravity Kills, or God Lives Underwater.

Lady here works in a lightbulb, Hessian and cardboard box factory.

Did he just take her to the fair so he could dump her so that he could play around at University? That’s a future politician right there.

So, she slit her wrists, filled the bath with blood, but her wrists aren’t bandaged? Or is this a dream sequence we’re supposed to think is real? Which I kind of do, despite there being evidence to the contrary (no bandages, echoey sound, there being no other people). Most of my dreams are about automated software test cases. I need to eat more cheese. It was a dream.

She’s wearing a wedding ring. Also, as a suicide attemptee (why is the term suicide victim used? Depression victim, being shit on victim, yes, but suicide victim doesn’t ring true), is it wise to leave a tub of pills with her breakfast, then leave the room?

Ewan McGregor in Christmas adverts? Guess he’s not going to be in the rumoured Obi-Wan movie.

McGregor at the peak of his career

When I was young, some of my friends would ‘get the slipper’ if they misbehaved. Would that work today with my Star Wars slippers? Or would it be too ridiculous to be punishment? Would never do it, but looked at my feet and it made me think.

Look at them. They’re young. They’re pretty. They’re laughing. They have so much to live for. Apparently, ghosts get angry if you don’t believe in them. Richard Dawkins must be living a nightmare.

Sheriff’s mother in law is having her newspapers stolen. How will anyone know if she’s dead?

They’re asking crazy questions. Mine would be this – “If you could piss, and only piss, tiny diamonds, would you?” Answers below.

My brother suggested this. I wonder how far he got. He lacks my tolerance. And booze. And yes, blonde lady, “That’s what she said” is ALWAYS funny.

“Why would they be making uniforms for Nazis in the middle of Texas.”

Are our uniforms ready?

A ghost busters reference? I met Ernie Hudson once. He signed the Ghost busters book I’ve had since the film came out.

“Hands up who wants to try summoning a demon?” CAN YOU PLEASE VOTE YES SO WE CAN HAVE A HORROR FILM PLEASE!

“911, what’s your emergency?”
“We found some Nazi stuff and summoned a demon and now it’s trying to kill us.”

At least the demon has the whole 80s quip thing going on. Like Sir Freddie Krueger (was he named after the South African politician?)

Haven’t we all drunk beer we’ve found on the floor whilst having a piss?

This is obviously a homage to the horror films of the 80s and it’s very obvious the director/writer loves the genre. There’s something that doesn’t quite click though. Maybe it’s the acting. Did the tramp say his friends call him Choptop Bill?

“Music is my life”

Met Bill Moseley at the NEC. Nice bloke. Awesome in House of 1000 Corpses. Behold! Fishboy!

Still not sure why this doesn’t do it. It’s a fine line between the good and the terrible in low budget horror, but when you’re on the wrong side of the line, it’s a long fall. Maybe it is down to the cast. None of them give us a reason for us to want them to live (which is a common problem with horror these days). Maybe it’s the location. It’s a warehouse in the middle of nowhere, meaning that the viewer is isolated from any threat.

An unfinished bottle of red. The Night of the Living Dead on TV. Does the mom run a rival website?

Have to say, if my younger sibling was being attacked by a demon, not sure if I’d cut my hand of with shears and burn the flesh off in a convenient fire. Especially as he’s responsible for me watching this.

Did the Nazis have a plan to deal with the demon once it’s work was done? Or was it a case of destroy, rather than conquer?

You’ve just unleashed a demon on the country because your boyfriend cheated on you with your friend. How are you going to top that when real life fucks you over?

More 1990s post-industrial. Like Electric Hellfire Club. Or My Life With the Thrill Kill Kult. I exposed my goth roots with Viking Quest, now this.

Catering was Jami’s Frozen Sweets. Doesn’t sound like they are healthy.

Jacob’s Creek Merlot. £5 from Asda

The Big Bad Wolves of Grizzly Hills are in the credits. Intrigued.

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
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What review would you like to see on the weekend after 22/12/17

Starry Eyes

Spoiler warning. This review contains spoilers, as, if you don’t know, these reviews are basically my notes scribbled down as I drink and watch a film…

The first review of a new notepad. You’ll be able to tell your grandkids you were there. They’ll probably ask what notepads are. The winner of the vote was Starry Eyes. I’m hoping for something surprisingly good, like turned out to be.

Better typeface this week. Old school horror.

What kind of hipster hell party is this? There’s at least one fedora and someone mumbling poetry. Someone has a film camera. Ok. I’m guilty of the last two. There’s something about the fact that you have to be careful about your shots.

Mr.Bowtie is a bad example of someone trying to act twice their age. And just acting badly anyway.

Early doors, but this film smacks of people trying to be clever. Hopefully I’ll be wrong and they’ll actually be clever. I would rather watch good films you know. Please think about that when you vote.

I’m getting a bit of a Pi vibe from this, which may be a good sign. Love that film. Bought it on DVD from Woolworths because it said Cyberpunk on the cover somewhere.

11:15 Restate my assumptions. Starting to enjoy this film.

Was that Sharon Tate on the wall there? Is that some kind of portent?

Creepy boss is creepy.

I’ve always thought of Hollywood as some kind of vile meat grinder. Bus loads of young people are brought in and stripped down to lifeless husks. I can’t imagine many stars are found because they just turn up and try hard. It’s as nepotistic as the aristocracy. Clooney – celebrity family. Jolie – acting dad. Of course, exceptions will always exist, to perpetuate the dream machine. Like people who become rich from nothing. They’re a drop in the ocean of old, establishment money.

In the current climate, the phrase “meeting with the producer” has such a different connotation. I wonder if the writers knew. Does and did everyone in Hollywood know this was happening and just accept it as part of the game?

I’m actually watching this film. With my eyes and brain.

Wow. Her friend is asking if people still do the whole casting couch thing. Seriously, how prescient is this? If I’d have watched this last week, I’d have thought it clichéd.

The ukelele – the idiot violin.

If you’ve been to the front line and stood up to oppression in South Africa, you can play one. Otherwise, learn a real instrument

Outside the core cast, there’s some pretty bad acting, and it’s annoying. The lead actress is good, but it seems like, a lot of the time, she’s acting against a brick wall.

I think the widening of the financial gap between the Indies and the big Hollywood films is growing dangerously. It gives us expectations of all films. I went to see Thor:Ragnarok last night (loved it) but you compare the production values of that against this and you end up with an unfair prejudice. This film can’t hope to compete in that way against Thor, but it shouldn’t be expected to. It’s like of Runcorn Town faced off against Man City. The cost of the players decides what happens.

Even bringing in goalkeeper Terry McMormick wouldn’t stop Man City scoring. Only one team has done that this season. If you know who it is, answer in the comments…

I’m kind of wandering off point, but basically our expectations of what movies are is dictated by the amount spent, and we should be able to see films in isolation (although this film does have an intercontextuality that kind of precludes that sort of isolation in a way).

Creepy boss actually seems a decent sort.

Tertiary characters in limited budget films. Are they generally so bad because they’re friends of people involved in the making of the film – producers, directors etc, as opposed to being cast in the usual fashion?

Also, I forgot to mention. The lead referred to herself as an actor. It’s not usually the case that people refer to female actors as actors. The term actress is actually incorrect and demeaning.

I think I get where the Pi vibe is coming from. It’s the antagonist being in decay, both morally and physically, with a dread inevitability.

The producers PA seems to come from a stable of demonic assistants.

Dread inevitability. Bug has it too. Taking the lead and making them grotesque. And The Fly. It’s all about fingernails, teeth and hair. Like porphyria. May. That’s another one.

How does Brundlefly drink?

Have to say, for all my previous cynicism, this goes into the pleasant surprise column. It’s not a horror film in the classic sense, but it uses the genre to explore a theme, an idea.

So, according to IMDB, one of the cast is Gene Simmons’s son. Just look for the one trying to make money out of everything and everyone.

I think the fact that Sarah’s so middle class at the start makes the fall so hard.

I think jealousy exists everywhere, but I can imagine, in Hollywood, with groups of people all struggling to make it, it’s far stronger. Sarah hurting her friends is a conscious execution of a subconscious desire. The killings are very brutal, but I think they have to be, for the film, they need impact, to show how low Sarah has sunk.

I think one criticism of the film would be how drastic Sarah’s arc is but obviously the movie is limited by running length.

I think the wannabe director is a bit of a nature boy. His project’s just a way of getting women.

Whilst there is obviously a story in the sexual predation of the producer, it seems to be an allegory for the cannibalistic nature of Hollywood itself, and how self serving the people in it can be in climbing the (sober edit – the sentence ends there. At a guess, it would have been ‘ladder’).

Catering was be Dino Fantazis, and, as I actually enjoyed this, I hope they were well catered for.

Sarah’s transformation at the end reminded me of the Man Who Fell to Earth.

The reveal scene from The Man Who Fell to Earth that left many viewers shocked.

The music is pure 80s horror.

Oh, got to say, Sarah was well cast. They could have gone for a bubbly airhead, but they chose someone who would get the audience on-side and then have that ‘golden age of Hollywood’ look at the end.

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
Start date 27-07-2017 18:30:09
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Poll Results:
What review would you like to see on the weekend after 22/12/17

Children of the Corn – A Drunken Review

The preacher kid is as scary as he looks here. As in not at all.

Sober edit – There are spoilers. And I fell asleep part way through so reviewed it over two nights. The first half is particularly rambling. I don’t know why I wrote some of it, or whether it had any relevance.

OK. Got back. Couldn’t find my notepad. I’d bought a new one for this review. We’ll, this series of reviews. A Star Wars one. Hella cool.

Anyway, My Bloody Valentine and Children of the Corn were drawing, so I tossed a coin and Children of the Corn won. I may stay awake throughout.

What must Quentin Tarantino think of Harvey Keitel whoring out the Winston Wolf character?

I feel bad. I nuked the meal my partner left for me and it is lovely.

Oh. That’s achingly bad typography. First hurdle? Fallen. There are actually good child actors. There’s no excuse in throwing a bunch of kids at the screen.

Was this a TV movie? Again. That typeface. If I had a dinosaur based theme park, I’d consider it. Consider it.

Would you use a typeface like this for a film about a group of kids who form an evil religion?

Nebraska. That’s the size of an Aliens nuclear explosion.

This is not a happy couple.

That thing just happened.

I remember pulling up at a service station once. My brother was sick in an arc that missed our uncle (who introduced me to so much horror). This caused me to vomit. Again that missed our uncle. We defied geometry that day.

Are they newlyweds? If so, this will be a short marriage.

These two seen like they’ve been told by an overbearing director to pretend they’ve found a corpse, rather than being allowed to act naturally.

Is this the 70s? Did he just say he’d given her an order? Us white males are trying to shake of this whole patriarchal thing and you’ve just thrown is back in. We’re not all misogynistic, racist, homophobic idiots, that’s just an echo of who got elected.

I think my new notepad may be in the bag of Halloween stuff I bought for Halloween. I’m torn between looking for it and praying that this one lasts long enough.

Someone’s hidden the film.

This dude reminds me of Henry Rollins.

This film reminds me of sitting an exam and finishing it because it was so easy and you had an hour to waste counting ceiling tiles.

Nothing has happened in this film so far.

I fell asleep during the review. I’m afraid that I was very, very drunk.

Right. I was way too drunk last night and fell asleep. I’m less drunk now, so will pick up from where I got to. Just trying to find where I got to… Feels like I had been watching for five or six hours, but apparently it’s not that long.

Oh. Twenty minutes. I’d watched twenty minutes.

Just read through last night’s ramblings. I really was hammered. A mix of Guinness and red wine (purchased in a football ground, so of dubious quality) did for me.

That kid ranting on the radio grew up to be Steve Bannon.

It’s got the hair and everything.

‘My name is Strontium.”

I think that’s what he said, anyway.

So it is the 70s. I thought the chap just liked vintage cars. His misogyny is just “normal” for the time he’s from.

So they’re not newlyweds. It’s their second honeymoon. I think they’re doing it to try and get their marriage back on track.

There’s nothing happening in this other than melodrama and horror-synth.

Children being shot? That’s not something we usually see on screen.

Scary. What he thought were mannequins turned out to be child actors.

I remember when my son’s two cousins came to our house. They and my son jumped on top of me. I was buried. I said “help me”. None of the adults heard, but the kids started repeating “help me.” That was very much like this film. The kid who is the leader of the kids is so uncharismatic.

He just snapped the neck of what appeared to be a six year old.

Where the hell did a baby come from? None of the girls looks old enough. Unless they kill kids who do get to child bearing age after they’ve had children.

Troll 2 had a strong anti corn message too.

OK, so they have conception ceremonies and all the children watch. Should have called it Children of the Porn.

When he was in Vietnam, was he a kernel?

Tikki Torches?

Surely the credits should be rolling by now.

Not only did they have catering by two companies – Maitre D’Ames and Bridges Catering, Accomodation was provided by the Lodge Hotel.

Part one.
Guinness – Royal Oak, Cannock, Molineux,Royal Oak again – various prices
Unidentified red wine – Molineux. £4.20

Part two.
Buckfast – Scotland. Don’t know.