Final Score

A guest review by Spencer Hackett

Final Score, a review that doesn’t have a final score.

Let’s see how the latest Sky Cinema original (not as catchy as Netflix originals) fairs. Final Score is a new Dave Batista action thriller that’s basically Die Hard in a football stadium. Co starring Ray Stevenson (Punisher War Zone, a great film) and Pierce Brosnan in what’s very much a “and/with” role, Batista has to stop a terror attack at West Ham’s ground. It’s directed by Scott Mann who worked with Batista on Heist, a not greatly received De Niro picture. I’ll set my stall out, this didn’t look great to start with, especially given sky’s dodgy track record with previous attempts Hurricane Heist and Anon. However I have a soft spot for Batista and think he is a genuinely engaging screen presence. There are spoilers coming up, so if you want to miss that jump to the long block of text at the bottom for my overall thoughts. Also I hate auto correct for constantly changing Batista to Barista, so I’m sorry if that shows up at all.

This is a lot of production companies.

Is Sokovia a real place? I thought it was just in Marvel, perhaps I misheard.

Please don’t let this be another film that’s really really dark.

“Sorry, did you not hear me?” No cus you’re mixed really badly and Batista’s panicked breathing is louder than you. Also this is fairly brutal (post viewing: what was the point of this scene? I may of missed something but how did he already know the evil people and escape from them and we didn’t see it and no one recognised each other? I’m more confused now having finished the film)

Batista hates football, this is like how John McClaine hates anywhere he ends up in Die Hard. Also West Ham must have paid them a lot to have them constantly say West Ham.

An honest deal, yesterday.

Cheeky Skepta.

Of course the cockney family own a pub.

Spent some of the last election night talking to Danny Dyer about politics on Twitter. Bit unexpected -editor


Ah so football was important to his dead soldier mate who’s kid he’s look after. Emotional stakes and all.

Why’s it doing that fade to black thing trailers do?

Ah it’s a Euro game, that makes sense. Even the Russian fans are evil it appears. Wait a minute, West Ham are in playing in the Europe??? (Post viewing edit: The Russian fans being violent never came up again, guess it was just setting the scene)

Stereotypical “she’s well fit” chavy kid.

So it’s the last game at the ground, is this so we can destroy it through the course of the film?

This does feel like someone wrote this who only has a vague knowledge of football.

God there is some appalling acting/dialogue. The kid went from being mad hype about footy to depressed about her dead dad in the blink of the eye.

Can you rewind live cameras? Surely they’d stop recording more live footage, also it only went back about 5 seconds.

More stuff stolen from Die Hard, this time Die Hard With a Vengeance. Got the bad man and bad woman have inappropriate sexy time together during the badness, also the guy has arms like tree trunks and a much smaller head than looks appropriate.

There are some bad Russian accents. Also loving the neck tattoos, cus as we all know, Russians love neck tattoos.

I’m loving Batista vision.

This lift is not lit well.

Well that was fairly brutal, shame we had to have Bourne-esque shaky cam whipping around the whole time.

Gotta love rich people listening to cellos, we know that’s all they do.

Feel like Sean Pertwee should be in this, he’d have been perfect.

“Andre this is no time to be taking shit” said in a heavy Russian accent is my favourite film quote ever.

Now we’ve got the villain and hero talking on the radio from Die Hard.

Why has tree trunk arms got the smallest gun, or is it just that it looks small.

Oh blimey.

I’m disappointed by the lack of badass one liners.

Eww…

Also where’s Pierce Brosnan, we saw him for like two seconds. At this point it feels like he just turned up to watch the game and they stuck him in. Perhaps he only fancied one day of filming.

Now we have the dropping the body out the window, or in this case off the roof, to convince the cops there’s a situation from Die Hard.

Ray Stevenson’s accent is rubbish.

Why, when this is a Sky cinema Film, could they not use Sky Sports and Sky Sports pundits for the tele bits? Feel like this was a PR decision. Ah, perhaps it’s that Jamie Redknapp didn’t fancy getting executed.

There’s no way you’d get booze from outside  into a football stadium, they proper patted my nan down at the football before, so a chavy teen isn’t getting booze in, no way.

“He was given extensive plastic surgery” to become Pierce Brosnan. So this is the get us our terror friend or we’ll do a terror thing from Die Hard 2.

Batista parkour.

I do like that they’ve used time to give some tension, at least makes the match seem useful as a plot device. Although I’m sure at 89 minutes it’ll look bad but all be good by 90 minutes, or 94 if we get to have added time, if they’ve considered that.

Where did that bike come from?! Also they paid for two tribes, they’re gonna use it (it played over the intro too).

Why haven’t they used the match commentary to narrate the action more, feels like a missed opportunity. At least they’ve done it at a key moment.

God Brosnan’s accent’s the worst yet.

I’d be a lot more concerned for the kid if she could act.

What is Pierce Brosnan?

Ray Stevenson looks genuinely pissed off here, like he just wants to go home and this scene’s taken all night.

That bullet could have easily shot Brosnan, they seemed to forget bullets travel a distance, that’s how they work.

Batista in a flat cap is my new favourite thing.

Well I didn’t see that coming…

Those effects kind of muted the impact a little.

Told you it would all be ok.

What was the final score, we never found out!!

Well that was fine. I’m disappointed it wasn’t terrible cus I’d come up with “Final Score, more like Final Bore” and now that doesn’t work (I feel your pain -the editor). I’m torn on recommending it purely because there are far better things to watch if you want an action film, and if you’ve seen any Die Hard film you know exactly how it’s going to go. I feel bad constantly bringing up another film, but it all clearly wants to be the next Die Hard. But to be fair, there were some nice crunchy fight scenes and the bike chase was a nice touch. However it’s wrapped up in a film that a little too basic in its presentation, none of it looks interesting and there are some bad effects and green screen backdrops that sucks out any tension. This wouldn’t be a problem if the film had a more fun tone. Yes Faisal is a nice comedy relief character but he’s the only comedy character which is a little troublesome in and of itself. I feel this needed to have more of a classic 80’s action edge, Batista needed to have some nice post fight one liners in the vein of Willis and Arnie. Guardians of the Galaxy proved he has impeccable comic timing and I just wish he’d been given more to do here. It’s the same with the Russian baddies, the accents are too bad to be taken seriously but they aren’t chewing the scenery enough to be entertaining. Overall if you’ve got nothing to do on an evening and you have Sky Movies watching this with some beer and crisps would be fine. But I wouldn’t in any way recommend seeing this is the cinema, it’s not good enough and not really cinematic enough. It’s a straight to DVD film that wouldn’t get any attention if it wasn’t on Sky. Hopefully Sky can pull their finger out and try and get some decent films made if they want to compete with Netflix in this arena.

Apocalypse Rising

Sober edit – there are spoilers, but I suggest you don’t watch this one anyway. In fact, I beg you not to, for your own good.

A little shorter than Beloved Beast this one. A sprint rather than a marathon.

We’re starting with Bosch and dramatic music. And it’s directed by the author of the book. Not often a good sign. See Maximum Overdrive for details.

That was some marvellously on the nose dialogue. Creature design is OK, and the gore effects are nice and traditional. CGI is less impressive.

Is that rocket meant to be that… phallic? Seriously, it’s just a big cock and balls.
“Do you feel it?”

I hate hippy stuff in sci-fi.

Oh no. Surely not.

I’ve no idea what’s going on. Is that zombie Jesus? Am I risking my eternal soul by watching this?

What was that old point and click game? Space Vixens or something (sober edit – It was Sex Vixens from Space)? The ship in that was just about as phallic.

Zohar (sober edit – no idea. Tweet me if you know why I wrote this).

Surely his eyes would have misted up or something after death. Fishes do, that’s why they put googly eyes on them. Where did the brunette come from?

More on the nose dialogue. If this planet turns out to be Earth, I’m writing ‘bastard’ on my leg in biro.

“The Dead Sea Site”? Is that mean to be “the” Dead Sea? If so, does it usually have valley girls around it.

Is this actually a sexual comedy? More on the nose stuff. Does this have a religious message, or is it a comedy? Would the Pope really come out and say that religion is not to blame for the Middle East?

Jerusalem has actually changed in the last 2000 years.

Watching this film is like having a five year old son. Every couple of minutes, you think “Oh God, what now.”

Magnum (crap name by the way) actually believes he can do comic delivery. He can’t.

So that’s why his eyes haven’t misted up.

Yeah. This is definitely supposed to be a comedy.

Aaaaah.

They should have just gone for it and made an actual porno, rather than this thing. At least I wouldn’t have had to watch it.

Is this pro or anti Christianity?

Apparently The Dead Sea is disappearing. They reckon it’s got about 30 years left. I may actually be around to witness it. Just.

Nice paper mache head. Remember that bit in Secret of Monkey Island when you needed the severed head to guide you? Second point and click reference in the review.

Nice going morons, you’ve released the zombies. All of whom are in Western clothes, because OH GOD THIS IS BALLS.

That was probably the worst scene I’ve seen since I started this site. Well done. This film is probably ideal for incels. And they deserve each other.

This is a book, right? Just what sort of confused mess is that?

Was she wearing white before?

He pays for acting classes. You can tell. He should ask for a refund.

The ending was disappointing. Disappointing in that it didn’t come soon enough.

Death Kiss

by guest reviewer Spencer Hackett

Let’s get the formalities out of the way here before we get into this. Death Kiss is directed by Rene Perez and stars Robert Bronzi as a Charles Bronson-esque anti-hero with the face of Charles Bronson. The films basically been sold on the idea that this is the Death Wish film people wanted, not the Bruce Willis, Eli Roth film from earlier this year, notably having the tagline “justice has a familiar face” cus if you hadn’t guessed, Bronzi looks like Bronson. I read somewhere he was a stunt double for Bronson prior to this new found acting work, but I’m not really in the mood to look up if this is true having just sat watching this. Bronzi worked with Perez on his last film, with many of the cast being past collaborators (Richard Tyson has been in bags of em, along with Stormi Maya doing a few). This is Perez’s 17th film since 2010 when he started, I think he thinks he’s the western Takashi Miike (he isn’t, not by a long shot). Anyway let’s get on with this review, bags of spoilers ahead but you shouldn’t care cus probably won’t want to see it anyway.

Corking Movies
“Don’t waste your money”

Rad synth, that’s a good start.

That knockout swing did not connect, no way. I know they don’t want to hurt the actors, but even so, it was in another state than the guy.

This scenes really dark, I’m at full brightness on my laptop and it’s still really dark.

That was some nice blood spray.

It’s not just that first scene that was dark…

This is feeling very pro trump, Daniel Baldwin’s basically just said racism doesn’t matter cus there are paedos …

Was that the Gears of War logo? I swear they just used the GoW logo for the films logo.

This soundtrack’s like someone asked for hip hop mixed with 80’s synth.

Editor – This is still cool, right?

Where did his scarf go? It was there and then it was gone, like that *clicks fingers*

“You don’t have to worry about things like that happening here” I think you will kid… (she didn’t, I’m disappointed…)

There’s some bad focus pulling going on here.

I won’t spoil the awesome badass line. (I changed my mind, you don’t want to watch this film. So the thug’s like “how much you got?” and Bronson’s like “6” and then the other thugs like “6 dollars?” and then Bronson says “bullets” and shoots them) 

Why did Bronson put his gun away, to pull it out again and shoot the people he already shot when the gun was out the first time?

Was this shot on DSLRs, that went proper wobbly.

Has the guy that plays Bronson died his hair, it’s very dark?

I don’t really know what just happened, why did that guy just vomit? Oh Daniel Baldwin’s going to tell me, never mind.

Oh my god this film has some fucked up message – Baldwin’s now saying that police shouldn’t help domestic abuse victims. This is horrible. For one I don’t think the writers actually know what domestic abuse is. I’ve seen films with bad treatment of issues, with offensive representation, but to just have a character just outwardly say these things is horrendous. Also this camera-work is appalling.

Is Bronson dubbed? That line didn’t match up. He is. There’s no way that’s his voice from this scene, he may have re recorded the lines but he defo isn’t speaking them in this scene.

Ouch, I’ve just thrown my headphones off because for some reason we needed to hear the kettles squeal really loud out of nowhere.

Why would you apologise for tea being hot, that’s how tea works?

Don’t drink tea with the bag still in, that’s just weird.

I know colour grading can be a pain but these shots don’t match up. Especially here everyone has a weird slightly green face, like they’ve made all the shadows green.

You can tell Bronson is a stunt man not an actor.

The darkness is back.

“Young Billy” doesn’t look very young. That may because I can only see half his face for some reason.

“Let him do the guy” has some different connotations after spending ages talking about willies.

“Quit being a f*cking punk billy” says the guy dressed in punk clothes.

Bins are not seats.

That’s some decent gore to be fair, it has been throughout. Unlike the acting.

This bad guys got a serious head wobble on. I’m guessing he thinks it’s that over exaggerated thing that’ll make him creepy, but he just looks daft.

There are occasional moments of badassery, but they’re in the middle of not very badass things.

Someone’s proud of their steady cam.

I was hoping this film would have bad copy pasted muzzle flashes. I have not been let down. Editor – Love those. Especially when the gun doesn’t move.

Why’s Bronson running like he’s shit himself?

That has to be the worst first person camera I’ve seen, Hardcore Henry this is not, Hardbore Barry more like.

They made a big deal of the sound of the splashes of this guys footsteps, then in the next shot they’re silent.

There’s some really strange shit going on here. For one, Bronson’s a dick. Also hasn’t this woman been through enough without being forced to kill someone? This is literally what the bad guy just did to her husband. (This never came up again, this character existed to show her boobs, be raped and then bullied into murdering someone by Bronson, none of which has needed to happen. We already knew the bad guy was bad so Bronson could have just busted in and shot everyone no problem)

Has Bronson gone after this bad guy before? He said “keep’s coming after me” but we haven’t seen it.

Hello darkness my old friend…

Of course Bronson’s still out there, no one’s shot him at all, he wasn’t going to just drop dead.

Oh my god this film has so much ppppppppppppppaaaaaaaaaaaaaaddddddddddddddiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnggggggggggggg

Death Kiss, sponsored by your friendly local NRA member.

I think they’ve written Bronson to be like Solid Snake, that he repeats the last few words of people’s sentences dramatically, but it comes of more like Dougie from Twin Peaks: The Return.

God this bits so tedious. I don’t care about the daughter. This film doesn’t have any heart. Also can we have some music? It’s awkward.

Bronson’s called K, but I’m going to keep calling him Bronson. K makes me think of Blade Runner 2049, a film I’d much rather be watching. 

Slo mo gun porn time, with Ray Ban product placement. Also why did the woman who doesn’t own a gun have ear defenders and protective shooting glasses lying around?

Take that Sprite!!!

Bronson’s very proud of doing that one armed shotgun cocking thing.

I like he’s just left his shotgun behind. That can’t be cheap, Bronson charity.

Why is there half an hour left!!!!! WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What do you bet the cash register guy doesn’t have to kill anyone like the woman from earlier? Nope he didn’t have to, Bronson just hates victims I guess.

Love that Bronson waited till he saw boobs before saying that he isn’t in it for sex and that wasn’t what he wanted. He isn’t very smooth.

Ok Baldwin, how does one look like a criminal? He’s said it’s not a race thing, but by his description it is. Using African Americans shooting a baby in the face and mugging a woman in his story BUT HE’S NOT RACIST. Oh god this is seriously terrible. And each time he does this he tries to make out that he isn’t racist but let’s be honest, when you have to argue you aren’t racist, you’re probably racist. This is literally so horrendous and offensive and it’s clearly trying to justify it all, I’m surprised he hasn’t kicked off about Antifa, Me Too or Black Lives Matter yet. Actually he’s basically moved on to that now. It’s so stereotypical modern America it’s terrifying. I’m almost waiting for Sacha Baron Cohen to appear and it turn out to be a massive Who is America skit.


I swear the one goon is the same guy they killed earlier.

This is the worst shootout I’ve ever seen. I have no idea where anyone is, also the music is setting no pace or urgency. The only thing going for it is the blood which is entertaining but it’s just getting so dull.

Oh he was after this guy because it was a shootout with him that paralysed the little girl?

Nice stock wolf footage.

Well that’s 85 minutes of my life I won’t get back. I’ll level with you, when it got to around half an hour left I got bored so did a drawing of Bronson instead with the film on in the background. I think this film thinks it’s cool and edgy, that it’s sticking it to left leaning people. The thing is though – 1. You (Perez) just look like a prick who’s just defending wife beaters and promoting racism, and 2. You clearly don’t have the confidence or belief to back up those sentiments because you have to justify that you aren’t racist or sexist (actually you never bothered with denying they were sexist). I wouldn’t usually harp on about this but the film is so heavily skewed in the that direction it’s impossible not to. The treatment of the sexual violence stuff was horrendous, worst level grind-house stuff and it seemed to be proud of it. Even without that it would be a waste of time, a blandly shot, dull as dishwater unexciting and un-thrilling action/thriller. I’m genuinely shocked this is getting a physical release, or any release that isn’t just being put on YouTube for free. I cannot urge you enough, DO NOT, repeat DO NOT, watch this film, DO NOT give money to this film. If you had considered seeing this and still want to spend some money, give however much money the DVD or rental or whatever would cost you to a women’s shelter, or a charity to help young people get out of crime, or a rough sleeper. Then you’ll have done good, probably pissed off Perez and saved yourself 85 minutes to watch something actually worth your time.

Some charities we’d like to recommend are:
Shelter
Women’s Aid