Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone – A Drunken Review

Ok. Here we go. Harry Potter. It looks kind of dated, but I always think of it as ‘new’. I think that’s an effect of being old. Did you know Pretty Hate Machine is 28 years old?

They haven’t wasted time in the appearance of magic. No half hour messing around with boring normality.

Wonder if these houses were eligible for the first time buyer schemes.

RIP Uncle Monty. 🙁

Uncle Monty
I mean to have you even if it must be burglary

All the cars on this estate are estates. Nice touch.

“You’ve never talked to a snake before?” Obviously not a member of the Tory Party. I now have “I was born a snake” by the fantastic P.O.S in my head.

“Owl do you do.”

I feel I can Witter about this film a bit more as most people who follow this site will already know the story, at least to the end of the first film.

I feel I could watch this with my son in a year or two’s time. The family could easily be golden ticket winners in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

I think this opening could have been a film in itself. A boy unaware of his power, foster parents trying to keep it from him.

Was that Geoffrey Rush?

If you ever go on the Harry Potter bus tour (I only know because the bus goes from the same place to the bus to Windsor and we went to Legoland), there’s a little café there. Looks a bit dank, but the chips are OK and it’s remarkably cheap for London. It’s convenient for Victoria Station too (God I hate that place – people turn their brains off when they get there).

RIP John Hurt. That’s now three great actors from the UK that we’ve lost already. We have really produced some fantastic acting talent.

That whole platform 9 3/4 was horribly oversold.

You know there were three covers to the first book, one for kids and one for adults. The adult one had a grown up train picture cover. Learned this from studying Children’s Literature. I chose to do Patrick Ness’s The Knife of Never Letting Go. Excellent book and currently being filmed with Tom Holland in the lead. Read it now so you can impress your less well friends.

This wine is very dry.

The houses at my school were Windsor (my house), Stuart, Hanover and Tudor.

The sorting hat reminds me of the Oogie Boogie Man.

Oogie
Well well well, what have we here?

I don’t know how our houses were picked. Windsor were best anyway. I recognise the hat’s voice and I know it’ll kill me when I find out. Leslie Philips?

Alan Rickman RIP

This feels very early 90s. I feel it’s difficult to judge films from this period. SFX were in a sort of transition from those that we kind of accepted weren’t that great but forgave , to what we have now, which feels as real as damnit, so we are more critical. There’s a sort of period that we see as current whilst it is actually old.

I can see why this appeals to children. It would have done to me when I was a pre-teen, before my uncle introduced me to horror (literature – the other sort I learned through the news and A-Level politics). It has that whole life isn’t what you expected or what you believe you deserve, but there’s a secret – you’re special thing.

“They call me the Seeker, I’ve been searching low and high-igh.”

“Give me levitation”. The Who to Hawkwind.

Is Wingardia Leviosa named for Peter Wingard?

Troll in the dungeon? JK Rowling is very good at dealing with trolls. There’s a certain artistry to how easy she makes it looks.

“I trolled you not to do that.”

“Let’s see if it sinks in now.”

It’d be funny if you saw.

Ron Weasley does a fair bit of gurning and pugging. Professor Quillam reminds me of a picture of Disraeli I once saw. He was going through a whole Orientalism thing.

Is John Hurt not going to be in on it again? If you’ve not, you should watch Midnight Express. Great soundtrack. Temporarily forgotten the name of the chap who wrote. No, wait, Georgio Moroder wrote the soundtrack. Brilliant stuff.

How often do live sporting events like this have commentators other than on TV? I’ve not been to a football match where they do.

Joachim Low is trying to fix the match.

Joachim Low

Was Tom Baker’s scarf the colour of Griffendor’s? Slitherinn are Celtic. I arrived at my parent’s house this week to find my son in a Ranger’s top. Not sure I’m happy with that. He’s a Wolves fan whether he wants to be or not.

Do glasses wearers reach for them as soon as they wake up?

When I was down there, the University of Luton had a massive occult section. Impressive leather bound stuff. Golden Bough and that kind of thing.

If the caretaker gives you a wedding invite, DON’T GO.

Is that owl going to turn into David Bowie? In last week’s Twin Peaks (which amuses me as it rhymes) there was a tiny part of me that thought and hoped that Bowie’s death was a weird trick played by Bowie and Lynch.

Does Hagrid want them out of the shack because he’s got something weird going on with his giant dog? Burnt beard hair smells horrid.

These kids feel like they’re out of time. If you took them and put them in a contemporary setting, it’d be quite obvious. I know they’re different, but they’ve been in our world for years. That’s me being a cynical drunk though. The target audience wouldn’t care. I think film critics forget that some times. Films aren’t written for them necessarily. If it’s a realist drama like Whiplash, review it as such, but if it’s something like Bounty Killer, just enjoy the ride. If a film that excites you, or makes you grin, it wins.

Is this filmed at Warwick Castle?

Is it herbology, or herbalism?

Maureen Lipman
“You got an ology?’

“Sounds like Wings”. Am I the only one expecting Band on the Run?

Suddenly gone all Harryhausen. He deserves to be a verb.

Did Weasley refer to a rook as a castle? I hope he dies. Painfully. He could have got off the knight. There’s only one Ron anyway.

The real Ron
You did Ron Ron Ron, you did Ron Ron

The moral of the story is “goths aren’t as scary as society (eg The Sun and The Mail) would have you believe.’

I thought Professor Quillum was the chap from the Big Lebowski and stuff – Scouser who did a short film about if Lennon had left the Beatles (sober edit – David Thewliss). It’s not though. I should be able to remember his name, but can’t.

Voldemort could have been played by David Bowie.

On one of the FIFA soundtracks, there was a song by Ladytron (who I saw support Nine Inch Nails twice – they were very good). The line “Everybody wants to kill the unicorn” was censored to “Everybody wants to BLEEP the unicorn” which made it much worse than it actually was.

Richard Harris was underused in this.

Just so you know, I experimented with cheese on toast tonight. I grated cheese, stirred it with mayonnaise, then toasted it. It was a bit disappointing to be fair. Maybe a little mustard next time?

I appreciate this is an enjoyable film, and as said near the beginning, I would very happily watch this with my son. It’s just not for me.

The students are like public school students. They have a privilege through birth that is not afforded to many. This seems at odds with what I’ve seen of JK Rowling on social media, and the overall message of the film that those born in the depths aren’t always fated to be there. Again, there’s that whole idea of the outsider being born I to something greater, something more, but is that any different from the rich kid being born into public school life etc. There’s a whole conversation about birthright to be had when I’m sober (and yes, for the doubter I was speaking to yesterday, I’m ‘not sure whether to go to bed or sleep in the armchair’ drunk. Possibly because I topped up my wine (£5 from Asda) drunk with Jim Beam). I’m not sure I’ll watch the rest of the series. I have a £4 bottle that was on offer in Asda and some awful looking films on the planner. I do, however, look forward to experiencing the sequels with my son in the future, as, as kids’ and YA films, based on this one, they are very good. It would be better if we saw them together for the first time than if I watched them just because.

Bounty Killer – A Drunken Review

“A Kickstart Production?” Does that mean… Not a good sign of it does.

Banker smug, saying that people will forget that the world was fucked up by bankers and just accept them again. Like that’d ev… Oh. Wait.

To be fair, the opening fight was fairly well done. Not John Wicke well done.

Bounty hunters as celebrities, hunting down corporate types. I like the premise.

Would work well as an RPG or something, especially as it has something akin to classes – Gypsy, Drifter.

You can tell he’s English as he’s swearing using English swearwords only. Lots.

Buffy’s 20 years old? Jebus.

This guy could work for Hyperion.

Nice face mutilation.

Mary Death is more interesting than the lead. I think they know it, too. She’s also quite lovely, which helps.

I’m actually enjoying this. It’s good, clean, post-apocalyptic grindhouse fun. It has no pretence other than a none too subtle anti-capitalist message.

The main chap is a bearded James Blunt with God knows what accent.

“What happened there? Why’s Mary trying to kill us?”

“She’s having a tantrum.”

Yep. I’m enjoying this.

Wait a moment. Is that..? Shit. It is… Gary Busey, ladies and gentlemen.

“Now all the other Bounty Killers are gunning for me.” BOSS FIIIIIIIGHTSSSS

The main guy and his sidekick have a good repartee going on. Very clichéd sort of relationship, but in a film like this, cliche is good.

Dude, just say what you want. Not a good time to show off your cool dialect.

When there’s a countdown on a bomb in a film, does everyone else do the countdown with it?

WILHELM SCREAM!

CRANIAL BIFURCATION!

Bounty Killer
Pabst Blue Ribbon

From the trailer, I thought Karen Black was in this. She’s not. Don’t make the mistake I did. It’s actually Mrs.Griswold.

Ouch. Pretty bad SFX here. Still, they had a budget, so can’t be too harsh – they haven’t really let it slip too much. Disconnect between actors and scenery reminds me of Sin City, or that advert for perfume with the woman from Sin City, only here I don’t think it’s intentional.

I recognise this big guy from somewhere. Sure he played some sort of friendly giant sort.

The comedy sidekick would have been played by Alan from The Hangover if they had the budget.

What’s happened to Gary Busey? Actually, what’s become of Jake Busey. I bet he’s gone bonkers and upset everyone.

I like the flashback style.

Gah. This sort of climax is just so low budget. Don’t want to ruin things by saying how, as it is a fun film and it’s soon forgotten.

Some nice kills in that fight. Which it seems wasn’t the climax anyway. I’ll expand on my thoughts on the comments, so you can read it or not.

So, the actual climax was a lot better than I thought was. This film has some nice close range shotgun stuff and environment kills.

Chekhov’s Revolver saves the day. If I wrote a video game there’d be a weapon you could get called Chekhov’s Revolver.

I really enjoyed that. If I wasn’t doing these reviews, I wouldn’t have seen it. I may now have to purchase some of the comics.

A blooper reel!

Reviews from other sites

Variety

Adam the Movie God

Master of the World – a Drunken Review

Vincent Price in an airship threatening to wipe out humanity unless they become peaceful. Where is he when we need him.

Stock footage!

Planes! Planes! Rockets! Seagulls!

So one plane was designed to beat the air up, and another frighten the sky.

What we have here is old footage of rubbish flying machines. With a comedy soundtrack. If. This film had a social message, they’ve lost it.

There’s a poster advertising advertising space in my town with a picture of Vincent Price. It annoys me, as he’s in no position to OK it or otherwise.

Way to tempt fate bloke who probably played a sheriff in a Cannonball Run rip off.

Hey, it’s Charles Bronson. He uses to make cakes for Dick Van Dyke who I’m sure would be annoyed by his son’s behaviour at Southampton.

I’m confused by these glasses of sherry being passed around. It’s like the hat scene in Waiting for Godot. Everyone has ended up with a glass each though.

Did she just say “What makes you think I’m alive?” Maybe she was being portentous, like some sort of Victorian Laura Palmer.

Vincent Price looks weird with a full beard. His body says occult librarian, but his beard says pirate Captain. Maybe he’s an occult pirate captain.

Charles Bronson may be tough, but unless their captors have some crumpets that need buttering, that knife will be of no use.

Why is that door coffin shaped?

This chef is bound to be French.

Yup.

I didn’t realise Vincent Price was so tall.

So. This airship can circumnavigate the world in 10 days. This is based on a book by Jules Verne, who wrote Round the World in 80 Days. Not sure what order he wrote them in, but did he become more ambitious or did his dreams fade?

Is that capstan made of gold?

The prismatic telescope is controlled with lollipop sticks.

“What’s the purpose of the voice magnifier?” asks Charles Bronson. I think I can answer that one.

I thought Vincent Price was about to high five those sailors.

I kind of assume that Charles Bronson is as cynical as the characters he plays in real life.

The galley door is not coffin shaped. If this were a Tarkovsky film I’d assume that meant something.

If you saw Charles Bronson making a move on your fiancee, would you tell her dad, or just take it as one of those things, like if a seagull steals your chips – it’s a force of nature and can’t be fought.

Those dialogue shots didn’t match up. I wish I knew cinema jargon.

He’s declared war on war.

Some of the lighting colour is bizarre. I wonder if this was originally meant to be black and white, or the lighting director was used to black and white.

Charles Bronson’s hair deserves a separate paycheck.

They look like QPR fans.

Gene Wilder and that guy who did Crazy Horses (my memory is rubbish) had a baby and he just got owned by Vincent Price.

This is like being keelhauled but not in water, so more like something in long shorts with highlights might do.

“What is that vibration?” Hope it’s good.

Why doesn’t the current pilot have a full uniform? I think he’s in a Victorian Bee Gees tribute band.

WHO IS THE CHEF TALKING TO? Is he filming a cookery programme on the Albatross?

He’s printed that document in Rockwell Condensed (bold).

POV shots. Is that what they’re called?

Vincent Price’s hat is like a pie crust. His cravat diminishes his threat. Charles Bronson has just threatened to interfere with Vincent Price.

Gas Gene Wilder-Osmond got a spice rack in his bed area?

Someone in the film crew has the job of making the lamps wobble every now and then. It’s sweet as it’s obviously an example of attention to detail, but not that well done.

I’d like to see this film in black and white. I’m sure it was originally meant to be.

Everything is written in Rockwell Condensed. Did they only gave the budget for one font?

“If I thought it over, I might change my vote.”

“I too, vote for destruction.”

Are they Brexit/Trump voters?

Considering his objectives, Vincent Price has put a lot of effort into the uniforms and the aesthetics of his ship.

This battle seems to be being fought on separate continents and biomes. Castle Greyskull is being assaulted from both North African desert and South African plain.

“War. War never changes.”

Mr.Turner is like the midget from The Isle of Doctor Moreau. He’s Vincent Price’s favourite.

Now I think they’re in North America.

I think this bit is meant to be tense, but Vincent Price is out of the picture leaving it to Mr.Turner and that bloke from the Bee Gees tribute band to carry the scene.

Gene Wilder-Osmond doesn’t really care. He’d like that goblin in Labyrinth who pops out, sees Ludo’s boulders and pops back inside.

This screenplay was written by Richard Matheson who wrote I Am Legend (a film adaptation of which had Vincent Price, and a butchering of which had Will Smith). He was also a friend of Rod Serling. Look. There’s an additional break and I can’t be bothered to fast forward, so I’m on IMDB.

Nice tam o’shantas.

“That should give us about 15 minutes.” There’s twenty minutes left of the film. Something’s going to go wrong.

Why is everything cyan (shift+5)?

Gene Wilder-Osmond is a jerk. There’s a conflict between these characters that was resolved an act ago, but it’s back on again for no reason whatsoever. Oh, no, wait. No conflict again. Like Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton.

Vincent Price wrote several cookbooks. That French chap looks like the chap from La Haines and Three Kings.

Lindeman’s Tollana. £5 from Asda.