Ghost In The Shell – A Drunk Review

Ghost in the Shell – A Drunken Review

Ghost in the Shell Movie Poster
Ghost in the Shell Movie Poster

Interesting fact. Maybe. On the Ghost in the Shell:Stand Alone Complex soundtrack is a track called Lux Aeterna. Cling Mansell wrote some of the soundtrack of this and also wrote a piece called Lux Aeterna. Both of these pieces are pieces I adore.

I’m a big fan of the comic of Ghost in the Shell and the original anime, but I’m going to try and put those to the back of my head as it’d be unfair to judge this based on those. They’re a different media. The comics and the animé are massively different in themselves.

A Corking Movies first here. We’re having technical difficulties. As a result, I’m watching the Bowls World Championship Quarter Finals. Disappointingly, nobody is smoking a pipe. Sorry, to explain, I had to restart the router and download the film.

Please stand by
Please stand by

Right, let’s start, and hope we don’t have any further issues. Obscure Dairy Milk advert there. How many Millennials will remember going into a newsagents for fags while an adult waits outside? Also, how many will remember Ghost in the Shell being advertised in Syndicate Wars?

This was high-tech AF when I were a lad,

This wine was ace.

It’s a brave move to do a remake of something so beloved. Especially when you’re radically shifting the medium and ethnicity.

OK. Best Takeshi is in it. That’s plus points. Will there be baseball on the beach? The opening scene nicely reflects the opening of the animé. It does Westernise it though – the original was more abstract and the soundtrack more traditionally Japanese. I think, as well, we’re being introduced at the beginning of the whole Shell thing, whereas in the comic and the animé, it’s already established and ‘normal’. I said I’d try and watch this with no preconceptions, but it’s not possible.

Two of the main things I remember about the animé are the major looking at her hand when she wakes (which is referenced in the GIT:SAC OST) and a scene on a boat where the Major discusses a mirror darkly. Also, film just reminded me of briefcase guns. From the comic, I remember Beat Takeshi’s character on a moped, super deformed style.

Is that Top Dollar from The Crow?

The soundtrack seems to be inspired by Deus Ex. Unless Deus Ex was inspired by Ghost in the Shell. Or they were both inspired by something else.

She woke looking at her hand. There’s a lot of cockney accents. From what I’ve heard of Beat Takeshi, he might not have been keen.

The Laughing Man
The Laughing Man

Was Batou’s love of dogs something from the second film?

One of the things about Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow (which I so desperately wanted to like) was that the CGI backgrounds overpowered the actors, making them seem unreal. This does the same.

I think they’re guilty of one of my pet peeves. They don’t trust the audience to give up on reality for a couple of hours. They’re trying to ground it all in reality. You end up with a hybrid and the stuff you try to make believable… isn’t.

The problem with good wine? It runs out too fast.

What were the robots’ names? Began with an ‘O’. The video game was all about them. I’m taking a risk here and putting a blanket on. It’s cold, but I may fall asleep.

Tachikoma. Doesn’t begin with an O. Shared a mind and tried to buy a battleship AI.

Heh. It was a beagle in GITS 2. Does Beat Takeshi not speak English, or refuse to (sober explanation – everyone speaks English to him, but he always replies in Japanese).

Merry Christmas Mr.Lawrence!

I like that he’s kept his hair from the comics.

I may be more drunk than usual, but I have no idea why the bad guy is doing what he’s doing.

There’s bits of GITS 2 being mixed in here and there and Westerners being thrown into Tokyo (sober edit – it wasn’t Tokyo. It was even Japan). The bin lorry driver is an unwitting tool in 2 and has become the terrorist from 1.

Can anyone tell me where I recognise the bad guy from?

Can see why the made the Major the first “shell”. It was necessary for the narrative.

In the comic and the anime, the Major’s boss is massively protective.

” Stop saying shit like that, you’re going to piss me off.” That is so just anime dialogue.

I didn’t think that really expanded on the original material. It just made me want to watch it more. Especially when they used the opening music at the end.

Sleep. Now.


Monsters: Dark Continent – A Drunk Review

Monsters: Dark Continent. A drunk review

A regular visitor to this site informed me that he had started to watch this, but not finished it. He then told me he’d voted for it. I was tempted to block his IP.

Anyway, I have some nice new wine glasses I had for Christmas. Proper ones, not the little one I had been drinking from, so here goes.

Don’t remember too much about the original Monsters. I remember it being well received and I remember the scene at the end with the pylons.

Black screen. Gravelly voiceover. It’s Lego Batman!

Apparently the monsters have been stomping on cities in the Middle East (of course! The Dark Continent, which is… Africa). Anyway, the monsters have been stomping the cities, so the Americans have been bombing them, which has also been blowing up the cities, so the local people have been killing Americans, so the Americans have been killing them back. If you read my review of Bright, you’ll seen reference to heavy handed metaphor. This makes that as impenetrable as a Tarkovsky film (that’s just a reminder to you all that I do like good films, so you can vote for  something decent too).

The bearded sergeant is actually a very good actor. First saw him in The Fades. He was absolutely fantastic in this is England. The main actor is doing a lot of nostril acting.

Getting some buddy-buddy scenes here. They watch each other having sex, are there at each other’s children’s birth.

Bit disappointed. Said it was written by Tom Green, but it’s nowhere near as funny as Freddie Got Fingered.

Daddy do you want a sausage?

Oh. A group drug and sex scene. How pathetic and unnecessary. Seriously, you’ve just told me the film is aimed at adolescents, so any ham fisted political message is gone now. And that shot of the main character looking all thoughtful at the monsters being bombed? You’ve just given us a sort of cinematic shorthand message that he’s shallow (I fully appreciate that service people need to blow off steam before going away, but that’s not what you’ve told us in the previous scene). More binding scenes. This is just a film about testosterone.


Wobbly camera work. SO YOU FEEL LIKE YOU’RE THERE. Is there a machine that makes the camera wobble. It’s so artificial.

Can any American readers tell me… Do these accents sound as bad to you as they do me?

What’s the monsters motivation?

That soldier just took a picture that’s going to be used somewhere near the end. Credits maybe (sober edit. It wasn’t).

This is the worst planner ambush ever. Surely you’d make sure you had men either side, not just on one. Also, if there’s an extraction mission like this, wouldn’t they have air support ready? I could well be wrong on both counts. I’m not well versed on air support times.

I don’t think there’s much of a bigger picture in the film – it’s more of a human drama, only we’ve not been given much of a reason to care about the characters. It’s easier to empathise with the monsters.

This film could have been seriously compacted.

Why’s there a school bus (with apparently no driver) in the middle of the desert? And are school buses yellow to stop Americans bombing them? Yeah, I went there because I saw the original Wikileaks recording.

NOW WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? Is that the Brotherhood of the Cruciform Sword?

Is your soul prepared? This chap was also in Midnight Express, and the sitcom Birds of a Feather

Is there a plot hidden somewhere in this?

I think we’re meant to see blokey from This is England (again, he was awesome in that. Utterly vile) as a Colonel Kurtz type, but he’s just a realist. He didn’t want to kill that child. He just wanted to spare him pain. That a miracle saved him doesn’t mean he was making the wrong decision. In fact, he was being very brave.

There’s so much filler in this. Shots that serve no purpose. Gives me time to write though. Remember Three Kings? I think that has everything this film wanted to be. The monster design is pretty good (I just had my mother saying “now say something nice” in my head. My usual answer would be “They’ll die eventually”).

Why is US Army insignia velcroed on? Never got that. Comments if you know, cheers.

How did they find their way to the objective?

That local’s blood was blue. He had his brains blown out and the blood was blue. If your whole film is based around all humans being the same, that’s a pretty bad mistake.

I don’t think the monsters actually serve any purpose. They looked cool, but that was it.

This film isn’t just ham fisted. It’s sausage fingered and bacon palmed. And thankfully it’s over.




Corking Movies – Glimpses: On Guard, A Drunken Minisode

It’s the first ever Corking Movies Minisode! Basically, I’ll be drunk and watching weird stuff found in the nether regions of the Sky menu.

What a lovely idyllic town. No traffic. No. Wait.


At least one of the people is called Kenneth. Nailed on.

A nap of Kent. With some lines. Sevenfold. My family on my dad’s side is from round there.


Map of Kent
Map of Kent

How long before we see a roll up?

How ambulances work
How ambulances work
Here we see Kenneth handing a note to Kenneth.

I can see smoke, but no shot of the rolly.

Rolly time? Eight minutes in. Kenneth, you beaut.

So. An ambulance just stopped so a fellow could retrieve his bicycle and balloons? How did we survive the 60s?

Something very David Lynch about this. They stretchered off a young girl and it panned down to this.

This is actually getting dark. The music is jolly stirring though. The equipment is a little intimidating though.


Fortunately Kenneth put the fire guard in the way otherwise his next callout could have been HIS OWN HOME.

The End.

Monday Update 18/12/17

It’s that day of the week again… Friday was not not good. Thanks to everyone who voted, I had to watch Left Behind. A film about the rapture starring Nicholas Cage, who has, on occasion, put in some wonderful performances. Left Behind is not one of those.

I was going to say I hope you’ll be kinder this week, but I don’t think it’s possible, looking at the options…

Alienator – An alien bounty hunter seeks out a death row escapee.

Pernicious – Girls on holiday on Thailand awaken a vengeful spirit.

Delta Force – Chuck Norris and Lee Marvin are ex special forces types called in to rescue hostages.

Monsters: Dark Continent – The sequel to Monsters. This time it looks like it’s a more direct action film set in the Middle East.

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
Start date 27-07-2017 18:30:09
End date 22-12-2017 19:59:59
Poll Results:
What review would you like to see on the weekend after 22/12/17

Monday Update 11/12/17

So, Saturday, thanks to you lot, I watched Temple. Didn’t enjoy it. My review is here – Temple – A Drunken Review. I do keep promising myself that I will put something a little more palatable on the poll, but I know it’d never get vote for.  So, here are Friday’s choices:

Left Behind – The Rapture came! God decided not to allow Nicholas Cage into heaven. Probably because he’d seen Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance.

Invasion USA – The Russians invaded America, but they didn’t count on Chuck Norris. They should try it again now. I can’t imagine The Rock could face off the Russian Army single handedly.

Alienator – Some woman who looks a bit like Michael Bolton tracks down an intergalactic criminal.

Pernicious – A trio of girls go to Thailand and wake a vengeful spirit. Can’t see that ending well.

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
Start date 27-07-2017 18:30:09
End date 22-12-2017 19:59:59
Poll Results:
What review would you like to see on the weekend after 22/12/17



Monday Update 05/12/2017

It’s the first Monday update of December. Friday seems like a long time ago. Maybe that’s the effects of watching America 3000.

So, there’s some new films for you to vote for.

First up is Invasion USA, with Chuck Norris, because cheese always goes nicely with wine.

Second, we have have Jessabelle. Last chance saloon for this ghost story should it fail to register any votes.

Third, Left Behind. Nicholas Cage fails to go to heaven and ends up facing the tribulations.

Finally, new to the list, Temple. Some American kids look for a lost Japanese temple.

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
Start date 27-07-2017 18:30:09
End date 22-12-2017 19:59:59
Poll Results:
What review would you like to see on the weekend after 22/12/17

America 3000 – A Drunken Review


The poster has a sort of monkey man, called Argh the Awful, holding a boom box and the Stars and Stripes. It’s by the Cannon Group. My wine is £4 a bottle. I don’t hold up much hope for this evening.

Wow. That’s some blurry text. So. 900 years ago the world was nuked. Now it’s ‘woggos’ which apparently means crazy.

900 years. I’m not sure how far back a nuclear war would set us, but I assume it wouldn’t be tobl anything near AD 0. Even if it set us back to something like the 10th Century, we’d have restored civilisation to the 19th Century or something. Unless, as the whole film is about a post nuclear society run by women and the writer has some mysoginistic message about women being unable to build a society. I doubt it though. It’s more that he has/had a sort of slave fantasy thing happening. The 80s guitar soundtrack is massively out of place. The voice over is in that weirdly weirdly chirpy comedic fashion that “A Boy and his Dog” has.

Future review, maybe? While since I saw it.

Apparently it “doesn’t take much to set the fraus off” (according to the narrator). This film wouldn’t pass the Bechdel test.

The women look like they are from G.L.O.W. Their acting is marginally worse.

Maybe that’s what the film needed – trash talking.

Sorry. It’s Argh the Terrible, not Argh the Awful (sober edit. It was Argh the Awful after all).

I’m sorry, this whole regressing back to the dark age (sober edit. Past the dark ages, way past) is bugging me. Society evolved once, it would again. Also the fact that 90% of the dialogue is narration, because the writer can’t show and has to tell and when there is dialogue, it’s in some pidgin English that you can’t understand, so the narrator has to translate.

Is this film the reason the right are so afraid of women? Apparently “seeding is a cold act”. Probably for the writer of this mess.

“Mother, I saw this film. The women ran the world. And there was a monkey thing. That can’t happen, can it mother?”

“Plugarts got negi smarts.” That’s the sort of dialogue I’m having to deal with, so you don’t have to. That example is pretty standard for this film. It’s not a case of generally it’s normal, but there’s the odd person who speaks slang. Also, why do the men and women share a dialect if they don’t exist together? And why is there a dead chap at the console of that bunker that is, it seems, bomb proof and there’s no sign of violence? And why is what appears to be a laser gun still charged? Surely, if it has some sort of battery, even unused, it would drain over 900 years? Is he going to find some Fancy Lad Snack Cakes?

“Best Before.” That’s just a recommendation, right?

The president’s bunker has an old arcade cabinet in it.

I hate when they use current guns and put bits on. Like he’s got a Steyr Aug with some lights on, and it’s supposed to be a laser gun.

There’s some Roman-esque old guy looking for young men and boys he refers to as ‘toys’. A little on the creepy side. The narrator has gone away, which is nice, but is done mean the main guy is speaking more. And there’s some horrible glockenspiel music.

They’re turning the freed “machos” (futurespeak for slaves) into men by dipping their heads in water (sober edit – I was going to say something about this being a baptism metaphor at the time, I think).

Corvus, known now as President (assumedly because of the amount of cheese in the film) rides in, blasting some 80s rock.


Seriously, is this how the director sees sex?

What was that film – Beyond the Forbidden Zone? Starchaser or something? Watched it a few times. If there was a golden age of sci-fi, that and this were from its Bronze Age, that post Star Wars desperation to cash in.

Where is all the hair spray coming from? Who was the narrator talking to? He’s stepped down now – he’s just being Corvus’s best mate. Is the final scene going to be him speaking to a bunch of kids of both genders? Also, who raised Corvus and his pal? I don’t recall seeing any older chaps. This has a large cast.

I was about to ask how so many could allow such stupidity to happen

Oh. Not only does the President’s bunker have an arcade cabinet, it has a pinball table. Also, the President’s bunker looks like a cheap motel room. Where, it seems, he was expected to live. Forever.

I get the feeling that the writer and director was doing both at the same time.

In this, some men are kept around the women’s homes. They are emasculated and have their tongues cut out. I think that is supposed to be the writer’s take on espionage.

While men and women are dying, the president is enjoying himself in the bunker.

Guess it’s accurate after all

For a cheap wine, this was tolerable. Argh the Awful is sad. Therefore I am sad.

The creepy Romanesque guy was Israel’s first mime, apparently.

Wait. Men and women *can* live together? All it takes is for two hot people to make out in front of them? To be honest that just makes me uncomfortable. I’m kind of reminded of the book Venus in Furs, in which the message is that two people can’t have a relationship without there being a master and a servant. I recommend you read it. It’s writer gave rise to the word ‘masochism.’ The opposite term comes from the Marquis de Sade. I don’t recommend you read 100 Day of Sodom by him. Seriously. It’s a couple of hundred years old and I was unable to stomach it.

As I watched this on Netflix, I didn’t get to see who did the catering.

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
Start date 27-07-2017 18:30:09
End date 22-12-2017 19:59:59
Poll Results:
What review would you like to see on the weekend after 22/12/17

The Grand Halloween Finale! – Hellraiser Revelations A Drunken Review

Sober Edit – There are spoilers…

I’m becoming able to judge films by the production company logo. This does not bode well.

Also, a Blu-Ray without a front menu. I’ve just taken about 5 minutes trying to get rid of the subtitles.

I hate these characters and this messy narrative. Not sure which I hate more. One of you is going to win this. And maybe even watch it. If you do, I’d live to hear what you think in the comments below.

This is meant to be some sort of found footage thing, it seems, but there’s no POV that makes any sort of sense. Fat Pinhead is repeating real Pinhead’s script, whicch I think is even worse than if they’d tried to write new dialogue.

I think the girl there, Emma, is meant to be too young for wine, but she looks about 30.

The revelation is that Pinhead has been eating through his guilt and depression and spends his time listening to people acting badly.

Did they actually make this film on purpose?

I think the writers are confusing Mexico with Papa New Guinea.

If you’re going to have this much dialogue, at least try and write something decent. And get someone who can deliver it. And give it some purpose.

I think the whole Lament Configuration and Cenobite purpose has become lost. It’s supposed to be for people wishing to pursue the extremes of experience (and, I think, though many would disagree, 1, 2, 6 and 7 were the only ones that actually did that). Now, it’s more like a magic Rubik’s Cube and the desire, the urges of the person using it aren’t important. The Lament Configuration used in this is like one of the replica props you can buy (that I have somewhere. My parent’s house, I think).

I’ve never thought of the Cenobites as being evil. As Pinhead says “You summoned us, we came.” They are agents of desire. They are the ones that have been through the torture and ascended to something else. What they do is strip away humanity until you become one of them. In Hell on Earth, we saw Pinhead become Pinhead. He sought it. There was no real puzzle to him – the Cenobites saw potential in him and led him to it. It’s why they didn’t take Kirsty or Tiffany in Hellbound.

Oh shit. That is so soundstage I’m expecting Tommy Wiseau to appear.

You’re tearing me apart!

More dialogue from Hellraiser.

You can almost sort of nearly see that the writers get the source material, but it’s like when you’re trying to remember a name, but you can’t quite.

The original Hellraiser had a lot of time where nothing supernatural was happening. This does too. But Hellraiser was still engaging.

Whoever did the set dressing has never been in a 20-something year old man’s room.

That wine bottle had both a cap and a cork lying by it.

They filmed this in order to keep the license. Was it worth it? Why is Rickety Cricket outside the house?

Let#s Get Weird!

You can tell the writer/director is a makeup effects specialist, as that’s the one thing they’ve got right.

The chap who just got shot remindes me of Wolves legend Andy Thompson.

It seems the son has done all of this because he hates his mom’s cooking.

I was wrong about the makeup. The new Uncle Frank looks like he’s tried to eat a bowl of ham and pickled beetroot without his hands.

“I’ve seen things.”

A reminder I’m going to see another sequel to one of my favourite films tomorrow (sober edit, review here – Blade Runner 2049)

Checking the news on Twitter. Back shortly.

I’m back. Apparently the first arrests in the Trump/Russia investigation on Monday.

The film’s still going. Don’t like the lighting effect on the Lament Configuration. Like that they’ve got the light through the venetian blind effect still. Is it the effect of the place they are in transporting to the Cenobite realm?

No sign of catering. Another one where they had to bring their own?

They drink it on the set of dodgy remakes.

Also, there are “special thanks”, but no apologies.

Remember, you can still win this ‘film’ here –

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
Start date 27-07-2017 18:30:09
End date 22-12-2017 19:59:59
Poll Results:
What review would you like to see on the weekend after 22/12/17

Next film up

The rules are changing slightly. From now on, the film that scores lowest will be removed from the list (or in case of a draw, the one that’s been on longest).

Viking Quest
Some kid has to rescue a maiden from a dragon. I presume there’ll be mullets and beards. It’s by the director of Crystal Skulls, which I review here – Crystal Skulls.

The Pyramid
A father and daughter investigate a pyramid (not sure where mummy got to). It’s a found footage film, unfortunately.

Metal Shifters
A meteorite brings a statue to life that goes on the rampage. Kind of the opposite of the end of Ghostbusters 2.

Red Clover
Apparently Billy Zane’s career didn’t end with the Phantom. Now he’s having to deal with a bloodthirsty leprechaun. The more obvious title was stolen.

The Last Avatar
I really liked the animated series. From what I’ve heard, this whitewashed travesty is going to be less enjoyable.