Atlantic Rim 2 – A Drunken Review

The Japanese Atlantic Rim 2 Poster rocks. Might have to buy another Gundam kit…

Atlantic Rim 2 – A Drunk Review

In a massive break from tradition, I’m starting this review on the same page as another. It’s because I’ve nearly reached the end of the pad.

Already I’m surprised by the production values here. Asylum films have a certain reputation.

I recognise that guy who looks like Sir Clive Sinclair (and before you say, no. It’s not Sir Clive Sinclair).

Sinclair C5
Sir Clive Sinclair, without whom there’d be no C5

Wait. Did he say he was from the Tactical Insecurity Division? If so, are they hiring? I’d fit right in.

I think one of the problems when you’re doing a film with such a large scope on such a small budget is that you have no real footprint. There’s a huge creature stomping round Miami, but it’s as if it’s not really there. With the spread of information the way it is these days, the world would be in chaos within minutes. I’m sure readers will remember how quickly the terrible events of 9/11 unfolded before us. Social media and global interactivity have multiplied a millionfold since then.

Seeing a military type telling his partner to take the kids and leave reminds me of the book ‘The Death of Grass’. It would be difficult to keep the possibility of danger from people you know, impossible to keep it from loved ones.

Tough bald military guy looks a bit like Carl Ikeme, the Wolves goalkeeper who is currently battling leukemia. His charity can be found here – https://www.justgiving.com/campaigns/charity/cureleukaemia/ikeme

Carl Ikeme
#teamkemes

“I can only write so much code.” Same here. Me too. See the Corking Movies mobile index here http://www.corkingmovies.com/learning-area/

Wait. Do they have a software QA here?

Scientist guy looks a bit like Karl Urban. Lot of look-a-likes here (and regular readers will know we thrive on those).

Quality wise, this is about even with a Stargate spinoff or something, which, from Asylum is not bad. There seems to be a genuine desire to make a film here, rather than some of the stuff I’ve seen by them and that goes a long way. Look at Crystal Skulls. That was someone who wanted money and nothing else and it shows.

The robots look a bit Tau (look, I’ve admitted to being a geek here before). Quite like the design.

Tau
“Nerrrrrrdddddsssss”

No way is she old enough to be her mom. Bit like Marty McFly and his dad.

“It’s a lot bigger than I thought.” It’s quite tragic saying “That’s what she said” when everyone else in the house has gone to bed (well, my son’s hamsters, Maya and Freya, are still awake – I can here the wheel. We got them today and they’re a bit shy).

Videogames have taught me you need flamethrowers here.

Seriously, is that guy Karl Urban’s brother? I believe he has one… Not Keith Urban though.

We’ve veered into Starship Troopers here. Love that film. Casper van Dien is not the greatest of actors in it, but he fits.

“Where did you learn to shoot like that?” “I’m from New York.” New York, where, this very morning, they tightened gun ownership laws for domestic abusers. Tempted to wake my partner up to celebrate this. Brilliant result.

Have to say, I’ve seen worse films made with bigger budgets and bigger names.

The arse end of this wine is tannin-y.

We’ll that was a sudden death.

Whoever put the soundtrack together just sneaked in an effect from the 1953 War of the Worlds movie. Bravo, sir. Bravo.

Don’t know that it’s not a little sexist that the surviving female pilots are locked away for the finale, leaving two dudes to take over.

Sure I recognise other woman in the command center.

Sober edit – I fell asleep drunk here as the credits rolled (plus it was about 4am), so no further notes… Just checked though, and the catering was by Impeccable Taste/John Woodward

 

Killing Joan – A Drunken Review

Killing Joan Official Poster
Killing Joan Official Poster

I’m not sure if Killing Joan is a play on words that I’m not getting. Close to Killing Zoe, I suppose. Maybe. Or maybe it’s just an abstract thing. Killing Joan stars Jamie Bernadette, whose star seems to be on the rise somewhat, starring, as she does, in the remake of I Spit on Your Grave and 4/20 Massacre, which i enjoyed last week.  Anyway, although this film isn’t out yet, I’m going to go back to my old style of doing things, so there may be spoilers. And politics. And a hilarious use of images. Hilarious.

No you lying get
See? Hilarious.

The opening music reminds me of something I’ve watched a lot, but I can’t remember what. Something old. Might be Hardware.

Killer POV shots. I hate them. Unless they’re in Jabberwocky.

Erm, the acting in this is a little stilted to say the least. It’s a low budget film and it’s very much behaving like one.

The music on loop in that scene reminded me of an old PC RPG. Vampire Bloodlines or Deus Ex.

“I only asked where the toilets were, mate.”

This seems like the shittest nightclub ever. I think it’s actually somewhere I did an escape room in in Wolverhampton. This whole scene is pointless. No. Wait. It was all to set up what looked like the start of a porno.

“Jesus Joan”

Frank reminds me of that director who used to be a Scientologist.

Weirdly, the acting has improved a little. It’s not great, bit it’s improved. Maybe it’s that she’s acting against Frank rather than one of the other types.

“My uncle owns this company, and by extension, me.” His uncle owns him?

Talk to Frank. Isn’t that the drugs advice line.

The steam off that coffee cup is bugging me. There appears to be nowhere for boiling water to have come from for it to stay hot that long. I’m probably missing something but it feels wrong.

We really aren’t getting anywhere fast. There was a lot of time wasted, then the character arc of the bad guys was too severe. They went straight from disaffected to murderous.

There’s a lot of mention of her gender. I think the director wanted to make it an exploration of that, but having a first 30 minutes that resolves heavily around scenes of sex kind of kills that as a debate (see Monsters: Dark Continent for a film that kills its debate by pandering to adolescent fantasies).

“I’m going to get revenge. Woman’s wrath. Etc.” Beats up murderers, lets them go.

Who’s in charge of continuity here? There’s little things that are easy to get right, but if you don’t, it really trashes the reality you’re trying to build.

Do writers write lines that are meant to be used in trailers? If so, that was one. It was like “HERE’S THE TRAILER LINE.”

Dirk seemed nice. He had an honest estate agent vibe.

OK. She seemingly took down a bloke who carjacked a kerb crawler. Mixed moral message there.

David John Pleat is an English football player turned manager and sports commentator.

This bad guy doesn’t know how to smoke a cigar.

The violence needed to be more violent. The tone needed to be taken right down.

The main bad guy always seems as if he’s been waiting for someone to shout “action”, then takes a moment to realise they have. Frank’s Lieutenant, Neil, seems to be a little better of an actor than the others (as does Frank). He is playing a bit of a clichéd role though, that of the henchman who is weirflwkind of pleasant and you are given no reason to hate, but in reality, would be guilty of all sorts of stuff. Like Tony Todd in The Crow.

“Why don’t you two ladies come up and check me out some time.”

If they’d sat down and thought about the shadow powers and how they work, they could really have had fun, but I kind of get the feeling that they were too eager for people to see the film and ended up with a rush job. I’m a writer. I’ve done the same. Skipped an edit because I want it out there. So I understand.

Wait. Is this necrophilia?

Have the clocks gone forward now? Do I have 7 hours to sleep, or 6? Got a 5 year old’s birthday party to run tomorrow.

When you have a vengeful protagonist with an otherworldly power, then you need to have the antagonists to have to find the protagonist’s Kryptonite.

Seems odd that they’ve got a wrestler in and it seems she won’t have a fight scene. Oh. Suddenly Frank has mystic knowledge. And wrestler lady has shadow powers. If she had been Frank’s number two throughout, or even just a bodyguard, that would have worked. Instead, 20 minutes ago she freaked out at seeing a corpse and went to having powers over the underworld or something.

Neil does stand out as a better actor. How can different directors get such different performances? Or is it that the actors are cast in the wrong roles?

The good thing about the clocks changing is that the kitchen clock is right again. I just have to stop adding an hour to it.

Damn it. There was something there where Frank had some kind of deathbed redemption, but weren’t really given a reason to feel pity for him.

Is she called Joan because of Pope Joan?

This wasn’t a great film. The end credits look off the peg. As I said, Jamie Bernadette’s star is on the rise, and I’ll probably be watching more with her, but I don’t think this will be one she wants to be remembered for. It has no caterer for a start.

Wait. The copyright is 2016? It isn’t out until April 3rd 2018.

Shockwave – A Drunken Review

It was a fairly close run thing between this and Atlantic Rim 2, but in the end, this won. It was recorded from the channel Movies 4 Men. So yeah.

We’re off to a flyer here – it’s Star Trek mountain

Hey look! It’s a badly CGI’d robot that looks like one of the robots from The Matrix killing a guy that looks like the guy from Scream.

That pistol has a remarkable clip size. Apparently the thing going amok is not part of its design. Who QA’d this thing?

I would so play an arcade game with this soundtrack. It’d be a side scrolling platform shooter.

Shockwave, the Video Game, would look a bit like this

Michael Dorn, Bill Mumy and Robert Picardo? Cripes! Who’s doing Comicon while they’re filming this? George Takei too? Oh my.

I’m sure the music just basically stole bits off Reptile by NIN.

So it appears the Shockwave film I was going to be watching is not this Shockwave, which was actually released as AI Attack. I feel like I’ve deceived people now.

The film I watched post-title card seems like a totally different one to that pre-title card.

I’ve decided I’ll do a review of the other Shockwave as an apology to all those who voted thinking this was that.

Wait. He was in Babylon 5 too? What? You think I was always this cool? I actually have a nerdy past.

Apparently Dr.Foster is on his way. And it’s raining.

So they were taking them to Australia for ‘obedience training’. Is this how the US Australian war began?

Turning that TV on had the most unnecessary sound effects. It was great.

I recognise the blonde criminal woman. I think she’s been on here before.

Now we’re back in the film before the title card.

Those robots are stealing a helicopter!

I so hope the robots are going to mod themselves with helicopter bits.

Seeing a World War 2 military installation on a Pacific island makes me want to play Far Cry 3.

Vaas was ace

There’s 4 minutes of this left. Was it actually a series or something? DID MOVIES 4 MEN MISLEAD ME? THERE WILL BE CONSEQUENCES.

And it just sort of ended there. No credits or anything. What on earth happened?

Does this say part one or anything? If you’re misleading me, Movies 4 Men, there will be consequences!

Now, there are other instances of Shockwave on the planner, but it doesn’t say Part Two or anything. Don’t really want to watch a second part, but, I dunno, do I ow it to my readers to suffer so? Need to find out who did the catering anyway.

Monkey’s Paw – A Drunken Review

Monkey’s Paw

Th…

Oh God. Before I watch this film, I have to address the point that the cover of Where is My Mind on the Galaxy advert is far worse than any horror I’m about to witness.

I was about to discuss Stephen Lang. I get the feeling he’s not a bad actor, but Avatar wasn’t a film intended for actors to act, and I tried to watch that series about the dinosaur planet. I loved the premise, but it just didn’t quite work. So, I kind of connect him with negative stuff.

I think gun nuts are being portrayed in a negative light. Which is cool.

OK. I think this thing might be going for a Tremors everyman humour thing. Which’ll be cool if it works.

I wonder how life would have worked out for me if I’d grown up in a Bayou kind of town. I’m more suited to working in IT than punching alligators.

I wonder if the “I wished for the car on a monkey’s paw and the keys were in it so I assumed my wish had come true” defence would work in court.

“The Defence Rests”

I’ve had “Run to the Jungle” stuck in my head for days now. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if it turned up in this (only they might not have the budget).

The moral of this tale seems to be that monkeys are bastards. They give you a wish, but twist it… Or are they just angry that their hands got cut off? I might become a monkey paw wish consultant. Look for those loopholes.

His ex kind of reminds me of Tara Reid. This isn’t her level of film, fortunately.  Not far off though.

Charles S.Dutton. I like him. Kind of annoyed me that he was just about the only American amongst the convicts in Alien 3, so of course he had to be the good one.

Do people say “having a cob on” in America? Or outside of the Midlands?

Could you say “I wish that my monkey’s paw wishes had no negative effects whatsoever” as your first wish? Or is the monkey paw legal team adept at closing loopholes like that?

“There’s nothing in the contract that says your client’s friend has to be alive when he comes back.”

I suppose I need to sort stuff like that out before I become a a pawyer. If anyone has any names for my monkey paw consultancy, I’d be grateful. Our tagline could be “Get what you want, not what you deserve.”

Did they film all of the scenes with his brother at the same time to save money?

Charles S.Dutton hasn’t featured as much as an actor of his ability deserves. Do the computers in this police station not have any power saving options turned on? They’re all happily sitting on desktop. Don’t think that’d be GDPR compliant. If you want to discuss GDPR, give me a shout. I will be deleting all email subscriptions in order to comply, I think. Haven’t seen any particularly clear guidelines for small websites.

Stephen Lang is just about the only thing that works in this film.

Considering its atmosphere, not much horror has worked out well in New Orleans. Candyman and Preacher. Well, Preacher’s not horror. OK. Not much genre TV and film. Treme was good though. John Goodman was superb.

Sober edit –  my notes stop here. I did watch the whole film. The ending was rubbish.

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
Start date 27-03-2017 18:30:09
End date 09-03-2018 19:59:59
Poll Results:
Film for 09/03/2018

 

Ghost In The Shell – A Drunk Review

Ghost in the Shell – A Drunken Review

Ghost in the Shell Movie Poster
Ghost in the Shell Movie Poster

Interesting fact. Maybe. On the Ghost in the Shell:Stand Alone Complex soundtrack is a track called Lux Aeterna. Cling Mansell wrote some of the soundtrack of this and also wrote a piece called Lux Aeterna. Both of these pieces are pieces I adore.

I’m a big fan of the comic of Ghost in the Shell and the original anime, but I’m going to try and put those to the back of my head as it’d be unfair to judge this based on those. They’re a different media. The comics and the animé are massively different in themselves.

A Corking Movies first here. We’re having technical difficulties. As a result, I’m watching the Bowls World Championship Quarter Finals. Disappointingly, nobody is smoking a pipe. Sorry, to explain, I had to restart the router and download the film.

Please stand by
Please stand by

Right, let’s start, and hope we don’t have any further issues. Obscure Dairy Milk advert there. How many Millennials will remember going into a newsagents for fags while an adult waits outside? Also, how many will remember Ghost in the Shell being advertised in Syndicate Wars?

This was high-tech AF when I were a lad,

This wine was ace.

It’s a brave move to do a remake of something so beloved. Especially when you’re radically shifting the medium and ethnicity.

OK. Best Takeshi is in it. That’s plus points. Will there be baseball on the beach? The opening scene nicely reflects the opening of the animé. It does Westernise it though – the original was more abstract and the soundtrack more traditionally Japanese. I think, as well, we’re being introduced at the beginning of the whole Shell thing, whereas in the comic and the animé, it’s already established and ‘normal’. I said I’d try and watch this with no preconceptions, but it’s not possible.

Two of the main things I remember about the animé are the major looking at her hand when she wakes (which is referenced in the GIT:SAC OST) and a scene on a boat where the Major discusses a mirror darkly. Also, film just reminded me of briefcase guns. From the comic, I remember Beat Takeshi’s character on a moped, super deformed style.

Is that Top Dollar from The Crow?

The soundtrack seems to be inspired by Deus Ex. Unless Deus Ex was inspired by Ghost in the Shell. Or they were both inspired by something else.

She woke looking at her hand. There’s a lot of cockney accents. From what I’ve heard of Beat Takeshi, he might not have been keen.

The Laughing Man
The Laughing Man

Was Batou’s love of dogs something from the second film?

One of the things about Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow (which I so desperately wanted to like) was that the CGI backgrounds overpowered the actors, making them seem unreal. This does the same.

I think they’re guilty of one of my pet peeves. They don’t trust the audience to give up on reality for a couple of hours. They’re trying to ground it all in reality. You end up with a hybrid and the stuff you try to make believable… isn’t.

The problem with good wine? It runs out too fast.

What were the robots’ names? Began with an ‘O’. The video game was all about them. I’m taking a risk here and putting a blanket on. It’s cold, but I may fall asleep.

Tachikoma. Doesn’t begin with an O. Shared a mind and tried to buy a battleship AI.

Heh. It was a beagle in GITS 2. Does Beat Takeshi not speak English, or refuse to (sober explanation – everyone speaks English to him, but he always replies in Japanese).

Merry Christmas Mr.Lawrence!

I like that he’s kept his hair from the comics.

I may be more drunk than usual, but I have no idea why the bad guy is doing what he’s doing.

There’s bits of GITS 2 being mixed in here and there and Westerners being thrown into Tokyo (sober edit – it wasn’t Tokyo. It was even Japan). The bin lorry driver is an unwitting tool in 2 and has become the terrorist from 1.

Can anyone tell me where I recognise the bad guy from?

Can see why the made the Major the first “shell”. It was necessary for the narrative.

In the comic and the anime, the Major’s boss is massively protective.

” Stop saying shit like that, you’re going to piss me off.” That is so just anime dialogue.

I didn’t think that really expanded on the original material. It just made me want to watch it more. Especially when they used the opening music at the end.

Sleep. Now.

 

Monsters: Dark Continent – A Drunk Review

Monsters: Dark Continent. A drunk review

A regular visitor to this site informed me that he had started to watch this, but not finished it. He then told me he’d voted for it. I was tempted to block his IP.

Anyway, I have some nice new wine glasses I had for Christmas. Proper ones, not the little one I had been drinking from, so here goes.

Don’t remember too much about the original Monsters. I remember it being well received and I remember the scene at the end with the pylons.

Black screen. Gravelly voiceover. It’s Lego Batman!

Apparently the monsters have been stomping on cities in the Middle East (of course! The Dark Continent, which is… Africa). Anyway, the monsters have been stomping the cities, so the Americans have been bombing them, which has also been blowing up the cities, so the local people have been killing Americans, so the Americans have been killing them back. If you read my review of Bright, you’ll seen reference to heavy handed metaphor. This makes that as impenetrable as a Tarkovsky film (that’s just a reminder to you all that I do like good films, so you can vote for  something decent too).

The bearded sergeant is actually a very good actor. First saw him in The Fades. He was absolutely fantastic in this is England. The main actor is doing a lot of nostril acting.

Getting some buddy-buddy scenes here. They watch each other having sex, are there at each other’s children’s birth.

Bit disappointed. Said it was written by Tom Green, but it’s nowhere near as funny as Freddie Got Fingered.

Daddy do you want a sausage?

Oh. A group drug and sex scene. How pathetic and unnecessary. Seriously, you’ve just told me the film is aimed at adolescents, so any ham fisted political message is gone now. And that shot of the main character looking all thoughtful at the monsters being bombed? You’ve just given us a sort of cinematic shorthand message that he’s shallow (I fully appreciate that service people need to blow off steam before going away, but that’s not what you’ve told us in the previous scene). More binding scenes. This is just a film about testosterone.

Broforce!

Wobbly camera work. SO YOU FEEL LIKE YOU’RE THERE. Is there a machine that makes the camera wobble. It’s so artificial.

Can any American readers tell me… Do these accents sound as bad to you as they do me?

What’s the monsters motivation?

That soldier just took a picture that’s going to be used somewhere near the end. Credits maybe (sober edit. It wasn’t).

This is the worst planner ambush ever. Surely you’d make sure you had men either side, not just on one. Also, if there’s an extraction mission like this, wouldn’t they have air support ready? I could well be wrong on both counts. I’m not well versed on air support times.

I don’t think there’s much of a bigger picture in the film – it’s more of a human drama, only we’ve not been given much of a reason to care about the characters. It’s easier to empathise with the monsters.

This film could have been seriously compacted.

Why’s there a school bus (with apparently no driver) in the middle of the desert? And are school buses yellow to stop Americans bombing them? Yeah, I went there because I saw the original Wikileaks recording.

NOW WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? Is that the Brotherhood of the Cruciform Sword?

Is your soul prepared? This chap was also in Midnight Express, and the sitcom Birds of a Feather

Is there a plot hidden somewhere in this?

I think we’re meant to see blokey from This is England (again, he was awesome in that. Utterly vile) as a Colonel Kurtz type, but he’s just a realist. He didn’t want to kill that child. He just wanted to spare him pain. That a miracle saved him doesn’t mean he was making the wrong decision. In fact, he was being very brave.

There’s so much filler in this. Shots that serve no purpose. Gives me time to write though. Remember Three Kings? I think that has everything this film wanted to be. The monster design is pretty good (I just had my mother saying “now say something nice” in my head. My usual answer would be “They’ll die eventually”).

Why is US Army insignia velcroed on? Never got that. Comments if you know, cheers.

How did they find their way to the objective?

That local’s blood was blue. He had his brains blown out and the blood was blue. If your whole film is based around all humans being the same, that’s a pretty bad mistake.

I don’t think the monsters actually serve any purpose. They looked cool, but that was it.

This film isn’t just ham fisted. It’s sausage fingered and bacon palmed. And thankfully it’s over.

 

 

 

Corking Movies – Glimpses: On Guard, A Drunken Minisode

It’s the first ever Corking Movies Minisode! Basically, I’ll be drunk and watching weird stuff found in the nether regions of the Sky menu.

What a lovely idyllic town. No traffic. No. Wait.

JESUS. LOOK OUT KIDS! THAT AMBULANCE CAN DO UPWARDS OF SEVERAL MILES AN HOUR!

At least one of the people is called Kenneth. Nailed on.

A nap of Kent. With some lines. Sevenfold. My family on my dad’s side is from round there.

 

Map of Kent
Map of Kent

How long before we see a roll up?

How ambulances work
How ambulances work
Here we see Kenneth handing a note to Kenneth.

I can see smoke, but no shot of the rolly.

Rolly time? Eight minutes in. Kenneth, you beaut.

So. An ambulance just stopped so a fellow could retrieve his bicycle and balloons? How did we survive the 60s?

Something very David Lynch about this. They stretchered off a young girl and it panned down to this.

This is actually getting dark. The music is jolly stirring though. The equipment is a little intimidating though.

GET AWAY FROM THE FIRE KID!

Fortunately Kenneth put the fire guard in the way otherwise his next callout could have been HIS OWN HOME.

The End.

Monday Update 18/12/17

It’s that day of the week again… Friday was not not good. Thanks to everyone who voted, I had to watch Left Behind. A film about the rapture starring Nicholas Cage, who has, on occasion, put in some wonderful performances. Left Behind is not one of those.

I was going to say I hope you’ll be kinder this week, but I don’t think it’s possible, looking at the options…

Alienator – An alien bounty hunter seeks out a death row escapee.

Pernicious – Girls on holiday on Thailand awaken a vengeful spirit.

Delta Force – Chuck Norris and Lee Marvin are ex special forces types called in to rescue hostages.

Monsters: Dark Continent – The sequel to Monsters. This time it looks like it’s a more direct action film set in the Middle East.

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
Start date 27-03-2017 18:30:09
End date 09-03-2018 19:59:59
Poll Results:
Film for 09/03/2018

Monday Update 11/12/17

So, Saturday, thanks to you lot, I watched Temple. Didn’t enjoy it. My review is here – Temple – A Drunken Review. I do keep promising myself that I will put something a little more palatable on the poll, but I know it’d never get vote for.  So, here are Friday’s choices:

Left Behind – The Rapture came! God decided not to allow Nicholas Cage into heaven. Probably because he’d seen Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance.

Invasion USA – The Russians invaded America, but they didn’t count on Chuck Norris. They should try it again now. I can’t imagine The Rock could face off the Russian Army single handedly.

Alienator – Some woman who looks a bit like Michael Bolton tracks down an intergalactic criminal.

Pernicious – A trio of girls go to Thailand and wake a vengeful spirit. Can’t see that ending well.

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
Start date 27-03-2017 18:30:09
End date 09-03-2018 19:59:59
Poll Results:
Film for 09/03/2018

 

 

Monday Update 05/12/2017

It’s the first Monday update of December. Friday seems like a long time ago. Maybe that’s the effects of watching America 3000.

So, there’s some new films for you to vote for.

First up is Invasion USA, with Chuck Norris, because cheese always goes nicely with wine.

Second, we have have Jessabelle. Last chance saloon for this ghost story should it fail to register any votes.

Third, Left Behind. Nicholas Cage fails to go to heaven and ends up facing the tribulations.

Finally, new to the list, Temple. Some American kids look for a lost Japanese temple.

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
Start date 27-03-2017 18:30:09
End date 09-03-2018 19:59:59
Poll Results:
Film for 09/03/2018