Dead House

Dead House Poster
Dead House Poster

This wine glugs. A good sign. Have to say, I’ve been looking forward to getting a screener of this one. Just seen the name around and fancied it.

Greg Wallace
Greg Wallace is in a bad mood

Dude. You just flicked past Turtles. I pray you get your comeuppance.

That Rugged comic looks a bit like Crossed. I wonder if it’s supposed to be a version of it.

Emo kid has a local accent. He said “munny”.

Younger kid is old enough to play in his own room by himself.

Professor Dad has a very odd delivery. Like he’s reading from a script. I don’t think this film is the one I’d been hearing about.

Does Professor Dad really keep zombies in his basement? I take work home with me, but that’s taking it too far.

Italian Killer is like a younger, more deranged, Italian Werner Herzog (sober edit – he really wasn’t, but hell…). Love Herzog, both for the films and the mythos he’s built around himself. His cameos in Rick and Morty and Parks and Recreations are brilliant. And the collapse scene in Nosferatu is one of the most haunting things ever.

Pretentious kid spouting about GTA on the PSP. It wasn’t written to help understand violence. There’s no overarching polemic, it’s just about blowing things up.

Professor Dad wouldn’t be put of place in Doctors. As I’m off work today, I’ve had the joys of daytime TV. Which reminds me. Why did nobody tell me that Dion Dublin was on Homes Under the Hammer?

Dion Dublin
Never played for a team I like, but legend nonetheless (not just because he smacked Robbie Savage)

This film is the first I’ve seen since the start of Corking Movies that actually harms the pizza industry.

Is that kid the ghost kid from House on Elm Lake?

Greg Wallace’s tattoo is like the talisman from the board game of the same name.

Ooh, just remembered. Whoever did the audio rocks. When they are loading guns earlier, the clunks and clicks were beautifully crisp.

Do people playing villains like this ever struggle. Playing someone this vile can’t be easy, and, I think, if you’re playing the victim, you’d have to trust the aggressor. And sadly, you can tell they’re not intimidated by the aggressors (and Testemento does play a decent nutcase).

I think with the home invasion genre, foreign language films have an advantage. The language barrier causes the viewer to be isolated from the killer. I think having too clean a film quality has a negative effect too. Look at the scene in Henry. It feels real because it’s filmed on a camcorder. This doesn’t have any of the alienation. We’re too obviously in a fiction and this genre needs that not to be the case.

The gore is better than I’ve seen for a while.

I think the internet has taken some of the mystique away from this sort of film. For example, when I was young, the story was that the hillbillies in Deliverance were real mountain men and security guards were on set with guns in case they got carried away. IMDB says otherwise.

There seems to be very little in the way of security at this facility.

“Here we are at Suarez’s house.” Are they looking to get bitten?

A goalmouth scramble featuring Suarez

Back to the security thing. I suppose RE2 was just as bad. There’s a huge facility just sitting under a police station. You’d think these things would be in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by barbed wire and stuff.

Are we going to get a zombie flesh eaters ending? Hopefully a zombie fighting a shark too.

It’s Nemesis! My RE2 reference counts! I loved RE2.


Wasn’t half as tough when you had the infinite rocket launcher.

That’s some good head stoving.

Jesus. Are these special forces guys doing an homage to Resident Evil with this acting?

We did get the Zombie Flesh Eaters ending.

Is the film a metaphor for how America turned the UK into a base for its nuclear weapons? As a lot of anime did (sober edit – I appear to have just stopped mid sentence here. I was rather drunk though).


Atlantic Rim 2 – A Drunken Review

The Japanese Atlantic Rim 2 Poster rocks. Might have to buy another Gundam kit…

Atlantic Rim 2 – A Drunk Review

In a massive break from tradition, I’m starting this review on the same page as another. It’s because I’ve nearly reached the end of the pad.

Already I’m surprised by the production values here. Asylum films have a certain reputation.

I recognise that guy who looks like Sir Clive Sinclair (and before you say, no. It’s not Sir Clive Sinclair).

Sinclair C5
Sir Clive Sinclair, without whom there’d be no C5

Wait. Did he say he was from the Tactical Insecurity Division? If so, are they hiring? I’d fit right in.

I think one of the problems when you’re doing a film with such a large scope on such a small budget is that you have no real footprint. There’s a huge creature stomping round Miami, but it’s as if it’s not really there. With the spread of information the way it is these days, the world would be in chaos within minutes. I’m sure readers will remember how quickly the terrible events of 9/11 unfolded before us. Social media and global interactivity have multiplied a millionfold since then.

Seeing a military type telling his partner to take the kids and leave reminds me of the book ‘The Death of Grass’. It would be difficult to keep the possibility of danger from people you know, impossible to keep it from loved ones.

Tough bald military guy looks a bit like Carl Ikeme, the Wolves goalkeeper who is currently battling leukemia. His charity can be found here –

Carl Ikeme

“I can only write so much code.” Same here. Me too. See the Corking Movies mobile index here

Wait. Do they have a software QA here?

Scientist guy looks a bit like Karl Urban. Lot of look-a-likes here (and regular readers will know we thrive on those).

Quality wise, this is about even with a Stargate spinoff or something, which, from Asylum is not bad. There seems to be a genuine desire to make a film here, rather than some of the stuff I’ve seen by them and that goes a long way. Look at Crystal Skulls. That was someone who wanted money and nothing else and it shows.

The robots look a bit Tau (look, I’ve admitted to being a geek here before). Quite like the design.


No way is she old enough to be her mom. Bit like Marty McFly and his dad.

“It’s a lot bigger than I thought.” It’s quite tragic saying “That’s what she said” when everyone else in the house has gone to bed (well, my son’s hamsters, Maya and Freya, are still awake – I can here the wheel. We got them today and they’re a bit shy).

Videogames have taught me you need flamethrowers here.

Seriously, is that guy Karl Urban’s brother? I believe he has one… Not Keith Urban though.

We’ve veered into Starship Troopers here. Love that film. Casper van Dien is not the greatest of actors in it, but he fits.

“Where did you learn to shoot like that?” “I’m from New York.” New York, where, this very morning, they tightened gun ownership laws for domestic abusers. Tempted to wake my partner up to celebrate this. Brilliant result.

Have to say, I’ve seen worse films made with bigger budgets and bigger names.

The arse end of this wine is tannin-y.

We’ll that was a sudden death.

Whoever put the soundtrack together just sneaked in an effect from the 1953 War of the Worlds movie. Bravo, sir. Bravo.

Don’t know that it’s not a little sexist that the surviving female pilots are locked away for the finale, leaving two dudes to take over.

Sure I recognise other woman in the command center.

Sober edit – I fell asleep drunk here as the credits rolled (plus it was about 4am), so no further notes… Just checked though, and the catering was by Impeccable Taste/John Woodward


Killing Joan – A Drunken Review

Killing Joan Official Poster
Killing Joan Official Poster

I’m not sure if Killing Joan is a play on words that I’m not getting. Close to Killing Zoe, I suppose. Maybe. Or maybe it’s just an abstract thing. Killing Joan stars Jamie Bernadette, whose star seems to be on the rise somewhat, starring, as she does, in the remake of I Spit on Your Grave and 4/20 Massacre, which i enjoyed last week.  Anyway, although this film isn’t out yet, I’m going to go back to my old style of doing things, so there may be spoilers. And politics. And a hilarious use of images. Hilarious.

No you lying get
See? Hilarious.

The opening music reminds me of something I’ve watched a lot, but I can’t remember what. Something old. Might be Hardware.

Killer POV shots. I hate them. Unless they’re in Jabberwocky.

Erm, the acting in this is a little stilted to say the least. It’s a low budget film and it’s very much behaving like one.

The music on loop in that scene reminded me of an old PC RPG. Vampire Bloodlines or Deus Ex.

“I only asked where the toilets were, mate.”

This seems like the shittest nightclub ever. I think it’s actually somewhere I did an escape room in in Wolverhampton. This whole scene is pointless. No. Wait. It was all to set up what looked like the start of a porno.

“Jesus Joan”

Frank reminds me of that director who used to be a Scientologist.

Weirdly, the acting has improved a little. It’s not great, bit it’s improved. Maybe it’s that she’s acting against Frank rather than one of the other types.

“My uncle owns this company, and by extension, me.” His uncle owns him?

Talk to Frank. Isn’t that the drugs advice line.

The steam off that coffee cup is bugging me. There appears to be nowhere for boiling water to have come from for it to stay hot that long. I’m probably missing something but it feels wrong.

We really aren’t getting anywhere fast. There was a lot of time wasted, then the character arc of the bad guys was too severe. They went straight from disaffected to murderous.

There’s a lot of mention of her gender. I think the director wanted to make it an exploration of that, but having a first 30 minutes that resolves heavily around scenes of sex kind of kills that as a debate (see Monsters: Dark Continent for a film that kills its debate by pandering to adolescent fantasies).

“I’m going to get revenge. Woman’s wrath. Etc.” Beats up murderers, lets them go.

Who’s in charge of continuity here? There’s little things that are easy to get right, but if you don’t, it really trashes the reality you’re trying to build.

Do writers write lines that are meant to be used in trailers? If so, that was one. It was like “HERE’S THE TRAILER LINE.”

Dirk seemed nice. He had an honest estate agent vibe.

OK. She seemingly took down a bloke who carjacked a kerb crawler. Mixed moral message there.

David John Pleat is an English football player turned manager and sports commentator.

This bad guy doesn’t know how to smoke a cigar.

The violence needed to be more violent. The tone needed to be taken right down.

The main bad guy always seems as if he’s been waiting for someone to shout “action”, then takes a moment to realise they have. Frank’s Lieutenant, Neil, seems to be a little better of an actor than the others (as does Frank). He is playing a bit of a clichéd role though, that of the henchman who is weirflwkind of pleasant and you are given no reason to hate, but in reality, would be guilty of all sorts of stuff. Like Tony Todd in The Crow.

“Why don’t you two ladies come up and check me out some time.”

If they’d sat down and thought about the shadow powers and how they work, they could really have had fun, but I kind of get the feeling that they were too eager for people to see the film and ended up with a rush job. I’m a writer. I’ve done the same. Skipped an edit because I want it out there. So I understand.

Wait. Is this necrophilia?

Have the clocks gone forward now? Do I have 7 hours to sleep, or 6? Got a 5 year old’s birthday party to run tomorrow.

When you have a vengeful protagonist with an otherworldly power, then you need to have the antagonists to have to find the protagonist’s Kryptonite.

Seems odd that they’ve got a wrestler in and it seems she won’t have a fight scene. Oh. Suddenly Frank has mystic knowledge. And wrestler lady has shadow powers. If she had been Frank’s number two throughout, or even just a bodyguard, that would have worked. Instead, 20 minutes ago she freaked out at seeing a corpse and went to having powers over the underworld or something.

Neil does stand out as a better actor. How can different directors get such different performances? Or is it that the actors are cast in the wrong roles?

The good thing about the clocks changing is that the kitchen clock is right again. I just have to stop adding an hour to it.

Damn it. There was something there where Frank had some kind of deathbed redemption, but weren’t really given a reason to feel pity for him.

Is she called Joan because of Pope Joan?

This wasn’t a great film. The end credits look off the peg. As I said, Jamie Bernadette’s star is on the rise, and I’ll probably be watching more with her, but I don’t think this will be one she wants to be remembered for. It has no caterer for a start.

Wait. The copyright is 2016? It isn’t out until April 3rd 2018.