Mazes and Monsters – A Drunken Review

Mazes and Monsters
Mazes and Monsters

It will come as a great shock to you, but I was a nerd in the past. I may have played the odd RPG. Off the top of my head, I’ve owned (RPGs only, no tabletop or board) – Warhammer FRP , Paranoia, Cyberpunk 2020, D&D, D&D d20, Deadlands, Deadlands d20, Call of Cthulhu, Call of Cthulhu d20, Cyber Generations, Shadowrun, Kult SLA Industries, Vampire, Wraith, Werewolf and Mage. So yeah, I had a brief dalliance with… Oh yeah, Judge Dredd and Out of the Pit. And Tunnels and Trolls. I think that’s it. A brief dalliance. Ah. Star Wars and Star Wars d20. That must be it. A brief dalliance.

Amity Entertainment. Must look them up. Wonder if they just made didactic films.

Did I mention Tunnels and Trolls?

“The object of Mazes and Monsters is to amass a fortune without being killed.” Just like real life then?

This opening music is beautiful. It’s a short film and there’s a lot of filler.

Was he wearing that picklehaub in the car? That could have led to an accident.

Why the fudge has she made her son’s room look like a hospital room.

I’ve done your room, son.

Is her father’s wife really called Chlorine?

“She’s your father’s wife.”

“No, you’re my father’s wife.”

Your Mom goes to collee
Your mom goes to college

“I’m never going to get married, I’m going to become a famous writer.”

“You could use your imagination.” Good writing advice. Might try it.

That shot of them at the dining table reminds me of Tarkovsky, so beautifully framed it is.

“I drink to get through the day..”

I’m drinking to get through this film.

Do university kids in America really listen to French cafe jazz at parties?

Wasn’t level 9 still in Basic D&D?

Alan Pardew
Robbie’s character is Pardieu, the 9th Level Holyman

Why have they got health spa music?

Yeah. nobody involved did any kind of research, did they? Maybe they were scared they’d be indoctrinated into some form of religion.

Space Ghost

You know that thing when couples pretend they can finish each others-


Well, this duet is like that.

I wonder if this is the only rubbish film that Tom Hanks has done? I mean, I found Terminal to be dull, but a lot of people liked it. I haven’t watched the Da Vinci code films. His hair annoyed me on the posters.

Sorry, there’s nobody 16 in this film.

I didn’t like Charlie Wilson’s War, as it seemed to glorify the death of Russians. It had a bloody scoreboard.

Talisman. That was my gaming gateway drug. Was £8 for the first edition when it came out. Was advertised in Warlock. Still got it and all the add ons. Missing a few cards.

This cave looks like a set from a bad fantasy film…

Maze Controller. Jesus. They really put thought into that.

“Some skeletons possess mystical powers.”

Reminds me of one of my favourite jokes-

Went to the doctor. He looked at my x-ray and said “Just what I’m afraid of.” “What?” I asked. “Skeletons.”

Is the light from his lantern bouncing off the camera lens?

Yeah. Time to take him outside.

If you’re a holy man, why are you using an edged weapon. Should be using a mace. d8 damage.

“The most dangerous monsters are the ones that exist in our minds.”

I imagined a creature that was like a Scottie dog with centipede legs once. I’d kill it with a shovel if ever I saw it.

Even if it were someone’s pet.

“Once you glory in killing, you are of a higher level.”

In order to advance he must be celibate? There’s a joke about role players right there.

The only girl in a roleplaying group just became single. Her life is about to become a bit creepier.

They couldn’t get clearance for any music, could they? And they didn’t have much of a clue about what kids in the 80s were listening to. The music is like the stuff Lynch uses – that deliberately generic, out of place and time stuff. I remember once walking past Morrisons. There was this old guy, trampy looking, with a cassette player hanging from his belt. He was unkempt. A bit trampy looking (sober edit – wonder what I was trying to say here. Bit ambiguous). The cassette player was playing generic 50s rock and roll stuff and he was in this bizarre pose, pointing at nothing. He had a bent cigarette in his mouth. Me and my colleague walked past, and it took a moment for us to turn to each other and ask the other if we’d both just seen the same thing. Yeah, it was a “you had to be there” thing.

His dad would be proud if he cheated at Mazes and Monsters?

That;s a big ass wine glass his mom has. With water in it. Maybe the problem isn’t really RPGS so much as shit parents.

Awful ADR. Love it.

“Maybe he found a young lady.”

“Not Robbie. He plays roleplaying games.”

The detective is just a shit Columbo.

“I don’t think he realised how dangerous the game was.”

Seriously? Can we compare the number of deaths caused by RPGs to those caused by religion, gun fetishism, racism…

You know, I’ve not seen a single dice roll in this, let alone one with <>6 sides. Ever stood on a d4? That’s the true danger of Role Playing Games.

“We have no idea where the body is.” Way to go, Detective Optimism.

Whoa. There’s jazz like them that smoke that wacky baccy listen to, and he’s walking under cinema lobby lights. We’re in Midnight Cowboy territory here.

Wait. The medical student was Kevin Peter Hall? After Hanks, has he got the best filmography? Lloyd Bochner was in Manimal and Highway to Heaven, so maybe it’s not so cut and dry.


Fifteen minutes. I can do this.

Has that guy in the background got a MAGA cap?

Went to New York. Went past the Twin Towers, but never up them. Two years later they were gone.

Yay! That music’s back.

The police actually gave up and it tool some RPGers to save him. So there’s your lesson.

Alcoholic mom says son’s breakdown had nothing to do with gamer friends, and games provided him with an outlet. Isn’t that kind of what RPGs do? Give kids an escape? Those that are bullied, or have messed up home lives (I’m the former, definitely not the latter – even when things weren’t ideal, my parents did everything they could – shielded me from that) – it gives them an escape. Rather than Kevin, the wimpy kid who lives in a caravan and whose dad left, they are a knight who the king turns to. And it teaches them to be creative. Shit parenting and bullying is a danger, not roleplaying.

Do holymen wear tennis gear?

Will Wheaton needs to invite Tom Hanks to play on Tabletop.

Amityville Horror – A Drunken Review

As I’m drunk, post match, it’s time for a Brucey Bonus. 4-1 we beat Leeds, so I’m quite chipper. Am I willing to forgive a remake of Amityville Horror though?

Is that Donald Trump Jr about to kill his family? I assume all this flashing sepia stuff is designed to stop epileptics from having to endure the film. Well screw you. I am an eppy and it’s not working on me.

All this flashing of news clips and stuff reminds me of those videos your mates link you to to try and win an argument, but that have been made by tin-foil hatted nut-jobs in their mom’s basement.

Paul Thingy from Prison Planet
An idiot, yesterday.

I wish Ryan Reynolds was my dad. Not replacing my real dad, but as a sort of spare, chill out dad.

I may have watched this before. I know I’ve seen the original.

When my fiancee and I first moved in together, I think every film we saw had Melissa George in. I remember Melissa George in. I remember Dark City was one. It became a running joke. It wasn’t intentional.

How much does murder affect house prices? I wonder how much it would bother me to buy a murder house.

Oh. A montage.

Don’t go into the cellar!

I remember when I used to hear strange voices coming through my PC speakers at night. Even though they were turned off, apparently they were able to pick up Russian radio.

What is it with red balloons?

99 Luftballoons

I fell asleep at this point, so have had to start again, I’d been out a while. I’m not especially drunk, just a couple of cans. Tomorrow, however, I will be (hopefully after we’ve done to Bolton similar to what we did to Leeds).

I remember being scared of going to the toilet late at night when I was a child. I used to pee against the porcelain as it made less noise, then run as soon as I flushed. I convinced myself once that Darth Vader might hear…

The whole thing of having ghosts in a scene that the characters can’t see is pretty pointless to me.

Ryan Reynolds can’t do scary. Not necessarily because of any issues with his acting, but because, well, he’s Ryan Reynolds. It’s like getting Tom Hanks to play Charles Manson (you watch. He’ll do that and totally own it. Like when Timothy West played Fred West. Tenuous link – a co-worker of Fred West lived in the house at the bottom of an ex-girlfriend’s garden. My fiancee lived next door to someone who may have been Pierrepoint. My neighbours have always been normal-ish).

I recognised the babysitter. I think. A friend’s grandfather once asked me if I wanted to touch the bullet hole in his forehead. I chose not to.

I think a lot of modern horror is too… clean. The characters don’t seem to be put through it. You should always have the feeling that if they survive, they’ll get lockjaw or something. Or there should be the emotional equivalent.

Who will survive and what will be left of them
Who will survive and what will be left of them

Is it that the whole ‘kid on the roof’ scene didn’t carry any real sense of threat, that I didn’t care about the character, or that booze deadens that part of the mind that makes us empathic and/or feel threat? It could also be that the way it was shot was way too ‘filmic’, too clean and detached?

I don’t think I want Ryan Reynolds to be my weekend daddy any more.

Ha! That cut from a shot of his hands to a shot of him in the room was as divergent as when they used to use real hands in Thunderbirds.

“Where’s the dog?”

“I don’t know. Axe your father.”

“Priest to meet you.”

When I was in Assisi, there were special clothes shops for priests. Like an ecumenical Top Shop or something. There’s probably a religious clothes shop pun to be had, but I can’t think of it. TK Mass maybe? Mass Bros? St.George of Asda?

Don’t think any of this pseudo-historical nonsense is in the original.

What’s that a-boat?

Oh, what a horrible cop out. Whoever wrote that, shame on you. Shame.

Father Ted
Careful Now.

I bet they had well posh catering on this one. Catering was by The Valentino’s American Roadshow Catering.

I’ve decided that all horror films are inspired by walking through your house at night when you’ve got a kid and you knock a box of Toot-Toot driver toys and suddenly all these voices are singing songs at you and there’s flashing lights and stuff.

Independence Day-saster

Come on. You have to love the name. It sounds like someone with a Black Country accent.

Lots of flags here. England’s celebration of when we all packed up and came home. I’d have thought SETI would be a bit more impressive. Wait. That’s the host from Jurassic Games. His name is Chuck Mannington in this and his friend is Beef Rockfist (or at least I’ve decided they are).

I’m sure I’ve seen that president, but with a beard.


I hope it’s the camera shaking. I’ve hardly touched this wine.

Oh. Oh. This is a nice red.

The president has obviously seen the beginning of Earth vs the Flying Saucers and is being cautious.

Wait. Did Beef Rockfist just get blatted while I was writing? Never got to find out his real name.

I thought the Secret Services guy was going to reel off cities from the song Pop Music then.

“New York, London, Paris, Munich”

If the Hollow Earthers’ were to drill down to try and prove their theories right, it’d be terrible if the Flat Earthers’ ones were.

Did you know the Secret Service was originally set up as an anti-counterfeiting agency? Corking Movies is ED-U-CATIONAL, Yo!

These low budget movies always have a very similar family thing going on. I’d like to see a big budget sci-fi do something similar. Signs almost did it – the whole idea of ordinary people who aren’t directly involved in, but are victims of, extraordinary events.

The British PM is missing? She’s just a placeholder until the clouds from Brexit settle. The next PM will either ride in and take credit for the success, or come in and blame her if it’s all gone wrong. Win-win.

I don’t believe there’s not a way for the President to contact the military. Doesn’t he have GoToMyPC set up or anything?

Apparently the ALIUMS are here because they left their phone on or something.

“We have visual.” You saw them about 5 minutes ago.

The President would not give tactical decisions like that. It would not be down to him to tell withdraw.

Gotta love hacking in films. Lots of text scrolling, keys being mashed, but no actual interaction. (I think this may have been what they used).

I hope there’s a BIG SPEECH(tm) in this. Does anyone else think the one in Independence Day isn’t actually very good? A big deal is made of it, but it’s not all that. Charlie Chaplin in the Great Dictator, however…

This is a bit like when they used Slim Whitman (I initially wrote Walt Whitman, which would have been awesome – using poetry to kill aliums would totally be my thing) in Mars Attacks.

Mars Attacks
All dark is the suede that mows like a harvest.

The hamsters are restless again.

Woah. That was a sudden meltdown. Girls are so prone to hysteria. Good job there was a man on hand then. God. Just realised. Everyone in this film is white. I was thinking about how it was being a bit chauvinistic there, then it hit me. I suppose only white people could save America on the 4th of July.


Is there a name for the alium tech/earth tech compatibility trope? (Sober edit – there is.

We’re being terraformed!

Wait. Is that what the right are doing? Rising temperatures, increasing carbon monoxide levels?

Alex Jones
Hyper capitalism is a precursor to alien invasion!

There don’t seem to be enough people around to make a decision of this magnitude.

That progress bar was just called “Progress Bar”

In all these things where the President is some sort of action hero. I can only remember one actual president with the physique, and, going by my earlier observations, he wouldn’t be in this (and I think, in my lifetime, it’s been Reagan, Bush, Clinton, Bush, Obama, Disaster).

Could they really launch an ICBM into space? Didn’t they try it in Independence Day?

I hope the pure white cast is accidental rather than intentional.

Yeah, dude, you just met her. That was a “love of my life” slow mo.

Ooh. BIG SPEECH(tm). And it’s bollocks.

It’s a shame that kid died and nobody cared.

Oh. A Presidential BIG SPEECH(tm). Seriously, if you make films, you’ll know someone who can write a bit, or at least look at what’s been done and make suggestions.

The alium spaceships. They’re Viennese Whirls. Always seem like the blandest biscuit with a lovely filling.

There’s three of them, approaching from the east…

Wow. Someone just used the magic selection tool there.

Catering was by Rolling Chef.