Minutes to Midnight

Minutes to Midnight Poster
Minutes to Midnight Poster

This one has Bill Moseley in it. Met him once. Nice chap. And loves horror.

I hope these two aren’t the leads. He’s just like he lives on a diet of quinoa, craft beer and vape, and she’s incredibly dull. Oh thank God. And, before you ask, the masked killer wasn’t me. I don’t have the ability to go into films and kill characters. Yet. I hope the wine does it.

“I’m off to get killed. No, he’s a new murderer. I don’t think you’d have heard of him.”

Those two look like they would make a marvellous drag act. And if ponytail guy showed me that picture and asked if I’d seen his brother, I’d say “Yes, in a Burton’s catalogue”. Sadly, there’d be just me and him there, so he’d be all sad and cry and vape and I’d laugh to myself and then feel a bit guilty. It’d be kind of a microcosm of this site.

Wobbly camera. No need.

Is hipster guy the alien from Astro?

“Have you heard about the cougar problem in these mountains?” She said that literally as I was about to write something about their apparent age difference.

Is “Guy who’d make a good transvestite A” the big fellow from Stargate? Never really got into that.

I remember two friends of mine having a drinking game in the Irish club we go to pre-football (shout out to the Emerald Club). One chap lined up two rows of “vodka” and challenged the other to a race. His vodka was actually water. The other guy got mashed. It was beautiful.

Can sheriffs afford plastic surgery?

Bill Moseley. Here to save the film. I feel I’m being harsh and cynical about this, but I don’t really have a reason not to. Yet.

Is Mrs.Blonde from Pernicious? I tried to watch that once, but couldn’t.

Having watched a masterclass of understated reactionary acting by John Cazale, it’s so obvious how forced some of these actors’ tics and reactions are. Sadly, you don’t get many Cazales.

The Sheriff and his Deputy are so obviously “Hollywood”. They have a weird ‘fresh out of the box’ thing going on.

I should start betting on what order these people in “pointless people being killed” films die on. As Skybet used to say “It matters more when there’s money on it.” Maybe they could sponsor me. I did have Dominos’ pizza earlier, but they don’t know a good thing when they see it.

Dominos, just get your people to call my people and we’ll get the deal sorted. Is free pizza every Friday too much to ask for a global reach like ours?

I could have called the first death. Ponytail guy looks like Bradshaw.

Your brother would not look for you. He has vinyl to re-order. By barcode.

The reason I could call the first death was that she wasn’t as obviously attractive as the others (she was attractive, but they’d played it down) and her death could be explained away.

Why did the sheriffs act so suspiciously towards Bradshaw?

Great. An argument outside. Some alpha male type swearing at a girl. Obviously can’t handle his booze. She’s gone off crying. Hope people remind him that he’s an abusive, threatening dick tomorrow. Sorry, we never get crap like that down here. We’re within 5 minutes of about 7 pubs, but it’s quiet.

Show, don’t tell.

Are they in a totally different location from cut to cut?

That’s a relief. I thought the sheriff was dead. He was just acting concerned. His car manufacturer logo has been blurred out.

New victims incoming.

How come supposedly skate guy isn’t the cliched weed supplier?

The last 15 minutes, the director has just decided his audience will be bored, so crammed female nudity in. Obvious who he sees the audience is.

They have Bill Moseley. He’s a horror legend. He could have made this mess worth watching.

“I thought about you every day.” No you didn’t You thought about whether goldfish could eat ice cream. Or who turned off the light when the refrigerator door closes. Or how they fit the little people in the TV.

Wow . A British pub styled handle glass. Someone has been drinking Banks’s mild in the cabin.

I really fancy a pint now

Cyber goth girl looks cool, but only has seconds on screen at a time.

This wine’s nice. It glugged. I think I’ll feel it tomorrow (sober edit – I did).

Note to self. If you cave someone’s skull in with a rock, they can’t tell you where your brother is.

Comic relief guy is not funny.

Can you kill someone by slashing their collar bone? And why did the All American Couple go for weapons when they didn’t know what was going on?

What purpose has William Baldwin served?

You know, it’s well past midnight.

Oh. What a surprise. Did not see that. Nope. But yes.

Who calls their kids Calypso and Angus?

Freddy Eastwood
Ex Wolves forward Freddy Eastwood called his children Chardonnay and Freddy Jr

Bradshaw knows martial arts you haven’t heard of. He’s meant to be a hero but I can’t imagine many viewers empathising with him.

So, essentially, this film revolves about someone having to down a bottle of whisky?

Angus and his dad should have high fived after that kill.

Oh, hey Sheriff, glad you could make it. It’s kind of all your fault, but no comeuppance. Oh. Except that.

Well that was bollocks.

Darkness Reigns

Darkness Reigns Poster
Darkness Reigns Poster

Sober edit – Darkness reigns is released on 7th July 2018. There are spoilers in this review.

OK. Before I start the film, I have two confessions. Firstly, I feel drunker than I should for the amount I’ve consumed so far. Secondly, I love Starship Troopers. I’ve watched it many times. The electric violin bit bothers me, but they have ever since I saw someone playing one outside the Mander Centre with a whole load of cassettes of himself for sale. I also think Rico should have ended up with Diaz. She seemed to love him more.

Just when I was thinking I should fast forward past the screener test card, it went away.

Harvey? Are they referencing…

The director chap looks like he should be in an indie band. One whose name begins with “The”.

Oh. I’ve been pronouncing Casper von Dien’s name wrong all these years. Nice that he’s willing to have fun poked at him.

How do location managers know where to start? Do they just bomb round in a Dodge 4×4?

Don’t know if I ever told this story on here before. Told it elsewhere. Once, at an ex-girlfriend’s house, everyone had gone out, so I decided to have a bath. Whilst in there, I heard footsteps and whistling. It wasn’t random notes, it was an actual tune. There was nobody in the house. When my ex returned, I told her. She just said “Oh, we’ve all heard it.” I didn’t believe in ghosts. I still don’t. but I have no other explanation.

People often go on about actors who are stuck in makeup for hours on end, but nobody says the same about the makeup artists who are doing it.

I just found myself disliking the bloke playing the medium, thinking he was a fraud. Forgot for a moment he was acting. Probably because playing the part of a character who would be a fake. And doing it convincingly.

Derek Acorah
Derek Acorah was on the books of Liverpool FC for a while.

I’ve stayed in a hotel in Dublin that’s probably just as scary. https://www.tripadvisor.co.uk/Hotel_Review-g186605-d208543-Reviews-River_House_Hotel-Dublin_County_Dublin.html#photos;aggregationId=101&albumid=101&filter=2&ff=76481048

I’m confused by Casper van Dien. He looks both older than in Starship Troopers (obviously) and exactly the same, somehow.

It’s an interesting thing to have brightly lit areas, but I’m not sure whether it was the right choice. It feels a little artificial somehow.

Oh, hey Ghost Mom.

Now we’re in infra-red, there’s more of a sense of threat. I think we’re used to films where the threat lives in the corners, or is unseen. The original The Haunting did it better than any film I’ve seen with the banging on the doors. We didn’t know who or what was out there, but we knew it was malevolent, but also the fact it wasn’t omniscient somehow made it scarier.

Casper the Unfriendly Ghost
Casper the Unfriendly Ghost (Sorry. That was obvious, but how could I resist?)

OK. That was creepy. I would have liked that bar scene extended somehow. Not have it as an “oh God, let’s go” thing, but a pervasive dread.

Regular readers will know that one of the problems I have with modern horror is that often you don’t really care who survives. These, however, I want to survive. The beginning, however, suggests they won’t.

I think I know how this ends. I suspected it earlier.

You want fame? Well fame costs.

The psychic chap is a cross between Danny de Vito and John Malkovitch. I’ll call him Johnny de Malkovitch.

Would demonic evil want the world to know it exists? Wouldn’t that drive people to God?

OK. The ending I predicted didn’t explicitly happen. It may have though. Think I’d be a bit disappointed if it had.

I enjoyed that. I’d have liked to have been scared by it, but maybe I’m inured by that.

This music is exactly the sort of thing I’d listen to in my youth.

Are Prison Brews, Dunn Brothers Coffee, West Main Pizza (still waiting on that Domino’s sponsorship deal – make it happen, internet, or I’m speaking  to Gino’s on the Avon Road), Madison’s Cafe, Chez Monez (I’m struggling to read this one – I assume it’s Monez) Patisserie and Domenico’s the caterer’s. Wait. There’s a mortuary in the Thanks? That’s hardcore.

Digital Somethingorother need to have a look at their logo. I could not read it.



The Sentinel

The Sentinel Poster
Sentinel Poster

Sober edit – There are spoilers. I must have been really drunk, because some of this I don’t remember writing and it doesn’t make sense.

Mannequins. Always scary. Not part of the film though.

Baby Jeff Goldblum!

Burgess Meredith!

Eli Wallach!

Ava Gardner!

Christopher Walken!

Jeff Goldblum was only in it for a moment. And he’s not credited. Was that his debut?

The Prince from the Princess Bride looking snappy there in a three piece. There’s something about a three piece.

Priest to meet you (I will never get tired of that).

That’s a waste of a good cake. Or I assume it’s a good cake. Even for an illicit threesome, he doesn’t seem the sort to skimp on cake.

Golden Age actors just can’t shake their glamour. They look so out of place in 70s films.

Geoff Goldblum is dubbed in this.

Burgess Meredith is creepy and well spoken. The character he plays is the same*. He has a cat and a budgie. That’s courting disaster, surely. He’s left a picture of himself in her apartment. I might start doing that.

“This is the Laughing Cavalier, otherwise known as the Mona Lisa.”

“Looks French, from Asda.” I may have misheard. Awkward. (Sober edit – I have no idea. No idea at all).

Not even the croissants are French

There’s something oddly uncomfortable about being in a room with two women of weirdly different ages and one says your boyfriend looks like an accomplished lover and then leaves and then the other one comes back and starts feeling her breasts.

Is that right? Do you have to colour match cats and cakes?

He’s trying to do a Polanski horror here. Definite shades of The Apartment or Rosemary’s Baby.

That shock wasn’t so much telegraphed, as hand written, left on a side table and eventually sent by second class post.

Is the pried the Sentinel of the title? The Sentinel used to stop you going to the Middle Realm. Had Strength 9.

My gateway to board game addiction…

Knew the budgie/cat was a bad idea.

“Oh, hey Ghost Dad.”


For a blind priest, he sure does a lot of looking at things.

She commit adultery, but she’s not married?

I always feel like I should read Paradise Lost. I have one of their albums.

I have no idea what’s going on. Doesn’t help that I don’t care.

Just remembered where I know masturbating ballet woman from. It’s Mrs.Griswold!

Everything has been revealed right at the end. That always feels cheap. Like everything you’ve watched before was a waste of time.

I’m sure amongst the poor human oddities (I hope that’s the least offensive term) there was just a bloke that looked like Phil Collins.

Tom Berenger sneaking in at the end there with four words.

*In reality, from interviews I’ve seen, it seems he was a lovely guy.