Earth Vs The Flying Saucers

Should you judge a recorded film by the adverts preceding it? If so, I’m in for a bumpy ride. It was for a shower head. Or for a shower head cleaner. Or something.

Earth Vs the Flying Saucers is quite an optimistic title, in a way. It suggests that Earth is a unified thing rather than a bunch of smaller things clumsily trying not to blow each other up.

Ooh. Stock footage.

Those flying saucers fly like pr**ks.

Some good body acting there (I assume there’s a proper name for that). These scientists appear to be in a classroom. Hemispheric Defense Command (sounds like the earth is at least 50% united) have said that flying saucers are to be fired at on site. They haven’t done anything other than fly like lunatics.

They just buzzed the protagonist and his wife. She’s a bit startled now, so he’s taken over driving. Because he’s a man and therefore not prone to fits of hysteria. He’s just convinced her they didn’t see anything anyway.
Ok. Confused. The voiceover at the beginning kind of said that everyone is aware of the flying saucers, but now the scientist doesn’t believe in them.

Mrs.Scientist’s dad, a general, has turned up to stop Dr.Scientist launching a rocket. She’s told them they were married last night. He’s fine with that and forgotten about the rocket.
If you were launching a rocket, would you leave off a spur of the moment marriage until afterwards. In fact, I don’t think they’re taking these rocket launches seriously at all.
Actually, this (the second in the film) rocket launch is taking a little longer.

The humans just opened fire on an alien who was just wandering about. With a flak gun. Our xenophobia is the cause of this was. Now the aliens are going all Just Cause 3 on this base.
The aliens have taken their fallen comrade and taken him home. Probably to tell his alien wife and son.

It looks like the aliens captured General Doctor’s Wife. The aliens are saying that they attempted contact. Is this going to be a film about misunderstanding and xenophobia? I don’t want moralising. If I wanted that, I’d watch Grange Hill.

Right. So. 1 alien killed (plus an alien widowed and an alien child orphaned) along with various humans killed because the aliens played their message at the wrong speed, and the American military was trigger happy.

The actors in this scene have been told that no two are to look at the same spot at the same time while Doctor Scientist is talking?
“Hello? Yes? This is General Moustache.”
I hope the aliens are just pretending to be nice. The film title promised conflict.
I don’t understand the geometry of this flying saucer.

Were the Eiffel Tower and Houses of Parliament designed for UFOs to fly past? Cause they always do. Every UFO film, UFO fly by. Guaranteed.

Nope. The aliens ARE b*****ds. Cool. I know these stories are meant to have a skeptical hierarchy, but this is taking it a bit far. If you imagine Scully and multiply that a thousandfold, you have these generals. You’d think the president and too brains from around would be involved.

Stock footage!

Actually, at this time, wouldn’t America have a bunch of Scientists with German accents to help?

There’s something pitiful and dejected about the way these aliens walk. Must be because they’re from a dead solar system. Also, they just took off and left one behind.
Gone. And all they left was his walking stick.

This translation machine has lovely handwriting.

I’m sure I recognise Major Brylcreem, but I’m not sure where from.

“Has anyone tried that helmet on?” Yeah, right. If someone got hold of an alien helmet, who wouldn’t try it on? If someone leaves their glasses, you try them on and prance round pretending to be them.

“Now we must address the racial stereotypes.”
Dear Lloyds TSB, I will not sign up to any of your products unless you bin off those adverts with the insipid cover versions.

They could have reduced the budget by having just one actor instead of two there. It was like they were alternating lines from the same character.

Whoah. That looked like stock footage of real planes being shot down. I hope not because it’d mean real people dying.

Those cannons are no good against UFOs. Like bows and arrows against the lightning, as David Essex once said. Uulaaah!

You can tell Doctor Science means business. He’s ditched his lounge wear for a leather jacket.

My God! The cast of West Side Story just got killed by debris. Cravats and all.

I wish I had a pizza. Pepperoni.

Add that Washington needle thing to the list of stuff for UFOs to fly past. Maybe it’s phallic symbols they like.

I regret not getting Ray Harryhausen’s autograph when I saw him. It’s easy to laugh at old effects now, but guy was a legend.

I haven’t seen this much chaos in Washington since Trump last did anything.

Oh. Aliens defeated.

Doctor Scientist has been awarded a Gold medal by the President, apparently. Is fighting off alien invasions an Olympic sport now?

Wait.. A Columbia film by Sony?

Banrock Station Shiraz. About £5 from Asda.

Wait. I don’t think General Father-in-Law was ever rescued. AND NOBODY CARED!

Tomorrow’s Review

It’s nearly Friday, which means a new review. Sitting on my planner, I have Master of the World with Vincent Price and Earth Vs the Flying Saucers. Which would you prefer?

[yop_poll id=”1″]

The Amazing Spider-Man 2 – A Drunken Review

I was going to review Tarkovsky’s Mirror, but, well, I’m not now. I’ve had Spider-Man 2 for years now, but not watched it. So, here goes.

Oh look! Bad science. Peter Parker’s mom was in Bruce Campbell vs. The Army of Darkness. His dad has a very serious voice. Mr (Professor?) Parker did a good job of pointing the Vaio logo at the camera then.

That bad guy looks like Paul Giamatti. I assume it’s not though. Would be his worst decision since The Lady in the Water (also Bob Balaban’s worst).

When you see someone cool, like Jamie Foxx being uncool, you know they’re going to be a superhero or a super-villain. Oh, wait, I just remembered which.

Hilarious. He has aSpider-Man ringtone. Oh, now he’s whistling it.

I bet whoever wrote Gwen Stacey’s speech was real proud. Sorry though, it’s c**p. That cop from Judgement Night is out to get him again. JUDGEMENT NIIIIGHHT!

So, Spider-Man lied to a dying man. Not cool, Spider-Man, not cool. I don’t think it was Paul Giamatti. It was his Soviet counterpart – Paul Giamatkov.

Do you think Peter Parker’s dad told him stories in that gravelly voice, or has he got a separate ‘dad’ voice?

The sandwich his aunt has looks nice. There was a whole thing about nice sandwiches in Homecoming. I like Andrew Garfield as Spider-Man, but Tom Holland has a brilliant youthful wonder about him.

The kid from Chronicle and the devious cardinal from The Borgias. Top actors, but destined not to go too far, it seems.And is that the guy from Adaptation? Last film I watched before Atticus was born. Also a good actor. Guy from Adaptation, not Atticus. Although who knows? Another Vaio logo pointed at the camera. Sony aren’t even trying to be subtle.

Obvious super-villain origin scene on the horizon. Why did they get rid of Norman Osborne before he even began though?

Felicity Jones. A couple of weeks ago, I watched her in A Monster Calls – http://corkingmovies.com/a-monster-calls-a-drunk-review/. She was outstanding.

Another Vaio logo. Does anyone know the percentage of laptops that are Vaio? Is it 100?

A villain/hero out of costume bonding session. I had something to say about those, but I forgot. Wasn’t positive.The out of costume meeting is amazing. Or ultimate.

Parker just mentioned Gwen rubbing her nose lots. Curious now – did she do it previously or was it written in just now? Will try and keep count.

Was that extra just totally ogling Emma Stone there (see trailer above)? She wasn’t doing anything and he was just staring. That whole freeze frame shot is too overused. The one where something is about to happen, the action freezes and the camera follows the electricity or spark or whatever. Hey look – Moz from the IT Crowd. That eye witness interviewer was rubbish. Was just used to explain a plot point.

What is this music? Matches the scene in no way whatsoever. What is the odds they’re signed to Sony?

That security guy is a cross between the guy from Muse, the guy from the Royal Tennenbaums and Eric Banna. He’s also shit at his job. He could have found that it was Gwen trying to find out stuff on PC (probably Vaio) and had her stopped at exit.

Dr. Kafka? They’ll probably put him on Trial. Jesus. This guy is really chewing the scenery.

There’s so much badly written human drama between the comic book adventure stuff, full of dialogue that is obviously intended for use in trailers (I wonder how prevalent that is in script writing now?) that you kind of turn off. Or I do. Maybe you don’t. Whoever you are. Also,no J.Jonah Jameson. I miss him. Maybe it’s because they couldn’t get J.K.Simmons. Whiplash is one of my favourite films ever.

Has Spider-Man found a cache of £2 coins? I dropped one on a minibus once.A friend picked it up, not knowing it was mine. He was a nice chap, so I didn’t say anything.

I’m glad Felicity Jones is doing well now. Half a dozen lines in a superhero film don’t do her justice.

Ooh. An abandoned subway station. Those things fascinate me.

Is this film going somewhere? When you cram multiple super-villains into a film, it’s often the case that their origin, rise and fall are rushed. If you have another arc too, it can only be more so.

Not a laptop, but a desktop, but the monitor is Sony. Spider-Man’s dad is worried that people will think he’s a monster. Does anyone know about him? If they did, surely Peter would get crap. Worried I won’t be able to read my writing when I type this up.

Just realised. Dr. Overacting is a follower of Brecht’s Verfremdumgseffekt. By acting badly and forcing the viewer to realise he’s experiencing a work of art and not a representation of reality, he’s freeing them up to engage more with the didactic elements of the film. Whatever they are.

Ooh. The Doc Ock harness. That’ll never be used, as the next film is a reboot (I know I said that about Apocalypse and was wrong, bu this time I’m right). Origin of a super-villain with about half an hour to go. Not just any super-villain either, but he Green Goblin (or the Hobgoblin. With Norman’s death, it’s a bit confused).

I prefer Electro in his  green and yellow.

The Judgement Night cop hasn’t been in for ages. Like they forgot about him. I’ve noticed one of the things that Homecoming does a lot better. In this, Peter Parker and Spider-Man have totally different personalities. In Homecoming, Spider-man has the same personality as Peter Parker.

Oh no. Incey Wincey Spider. That was just awful. Whoever wrote that was probably really proud of it too. Sorry. The franchise was already in trouble. You killed it

Oh, wait, Judgement Night cop is back (and yes, I know it’s Dennis Leary, although I nearly said Timothy).

Reckon next film they’d have gone for three villains. Vulture, Doc Ock and Venom. Or maybe Trapster, Batroc the Leaper and Shinobi. Hobgoblin looks rubbish.

Empty bottle, full glass.

Oh s**t. It was Paul Giamatti! He was brought in on the promise of a sequel. Maybe he’ll be in Deadpool as a keyring.

It’s OK film. We get it. You can end now.

Montaaaaage!

Sony laptop.

Good job for Paul Giamatti that there wasn’t  a sequel.

Seriously film, stop.

Directed by Mark Webb? Seriously? Might change my name to Christian Neuromancer.

Hardy’s Classic Cabarnet Shiraz Merlot. About five quid.

Gwen didn’t touch her nose.