Ghost Storm – A Drunken Review

Ghost Storm. Sounds like an old Spectrum game. Probably had an exciting cover with a bunch of skulls flying all over, but was actually some dull Attic Attack rip off by a games company that only made one game (and was probably only one person). So yeah. Thanks. Tonight I’m watching a PG ghost film called Ghost Storm.

Ghost Storm - Attic Attack
Attic Attack

This wine is awful, too.

First fake scare. So telegraphed I saw it last week.

A lightning bolt just hit a tomb. How unlucky.

Ghost Storm - Altered Beast
Rise from your grave!

Seriously, this wine is not good. I’m worried this’ll end up a sober review.

The priest looks like he’s wearing makeup to make him look old. But I don’t think it is makeup.

You honestly think kids dug up a corpse as a prank? Yeah, I was 17 once too. I wouldn’t dream of digging up a corpse.

“I’ll speak my line.”

“Now I’ll speak mine.”

“Now me again.”

“Just like real people don’t.”

So. Lightning hits a crypt where a mad priest did a suicide cult thing, so a crap CGI cloud killed a kid who is now appearing on his girlfriend’s phone…

Deputy just said the father of the deceased had arrived and “Is pretty upset.” Yeah. I think I know why.

The ghost smoke is actually a decent effect for a film of this sort of budget. It couldn’t overrun Deputy Dot Cotton though.

Ghost Storm - Dot Cotton
Ooh, I say

That guy at the weather station was working when Mrs. Sheriff’s Wife left at night and was still there in the morning.

Something supernatural *is* happening. Woman walking toward shot from one angle, but disappeared when shot changed.

It’s OK. The Winchester Boys are here.

Ghost Storm - Winchesters
“I’m Detective Simmons and this is my partner Detective Criss.”

That’s the biggest Ghost Storm I’ve ever seen.

Ooooh. It’s ex Mrs. Sheriff’s Wife. I was thinking, the other day, if you divorce and re-marry, are you still a divorcee? If you are widowed and re-marry are you still a widower?

That ghostly TV thing was actually pretty cool.

My grandad had a boat like that. He lived in Ashmore Park. I don’t think it ever got wet unless it rained.

Is that blokey from Battlestar Galactica? He has a PKE meter, too. It says on it. They must be commercially available now. I hope Spengler patented it.

It’s that whole ‘scepticism in the face of everything’ thing again.

Suicide victims? Is that a thing? A victim of depression, of circumstance, yes, but not sure you can be a victim of suicide.

If it wasn’t for the Ghost Storm, I’d like to go camping there.

That was like when the spirits went through all the Nazis (how are Nazis still a thing?) in Raiders of the Lost Ark, only it was 2 firemen and a cloud.

I miss using those library index card boxes. I might buy some to catalogue my neuroses.

Ghost Storm - Index Box
“You’ll find it under I for impostor syndrome.”

Stop with the camera angles. And camera wobble.

We’ll done on correcting your dad there. Killed is a bit different to hurt.

Ooh. The town emergency button. I bet every Sheriff dreams of pressing that.

You eeediot!

Mrs. Ex-Sheriffs-Wife hair is perfect. I mean it’s like she’s just got out of the salon, given it a little bounce with her hand and that’s it.

Heh. Sheriff just ran into a bar and told them to seal it up and not leave. You wouldn’t have to tell me twice.

That smoke. It’s vaping hipsters, isn’t it?

“As you asked, it’s juniper and Mongolian cha cha bean flavour.” “But I didn’t…”

To be fair, I’ve watched worse films with bigger budgets (I assume). Like Venom, I think it was called. That probably had much more money and more time to work on a script etc, but was worse. I’m not saying this is a good film, bit it has more of an excuse and you get the feeling people have tried, rather than gone “Oh, sod it, that’ll do.” I think I’m finding, with bad and low budget films, you can almost tell when the filmmakers are earnest and giving it their best to make something entertaining, and when there’s a more cynical ‘get it out there and onto the next’ one.

I thought weather station guy might be a bit more involved, but either he’s happily sitting in his station, or he died whilst I was writing.

There he is. Always happens (see Spiderman – A Drunken Review)

Wait, if you shoot a pistol in a church, will it depressurise?

This wine improves with drinking.

A Dell PC that old deserves to get (I can’t actually read my note here. It says killed, or fitted, I think)  with ghost smoke.

Is Jitted a word?

How long would it take to seal every place smoke could get into a building? And once you had, how long before you suffocate? Asking for a friend.

Seriously. The camera angles. Not needed.

Bloke from Battlestar Galactica slept on his arm.

If he had any fantasies about a night with Dot Cotton…

I may have misheard, but I think he said something about a cult of Holland and Barrett.

In a crisis, can people deal with a death so readily? If any of my colleagues died, I’d be gutted. I’d struggle to continue until I’d processed the grief, but in films, people just get on and do heroic shit.

You know own what killed this film now? Pseudoscience. I mean, I know the supernatural is not supposed to happen, but it does happen. Seriously, though, I think too many supernatural films with zombies, vampires, ghosts etc are too afraid to say “The world has zombiedraculaghosts. Deal with it.” and they have to bring science in. The audience is willing to say, for the duration of horror films, Brian Cox, bugger off for a bit. I bet you, if Brian Cox watches supernatural films, he would rather any idea of real world science were thrown out of the window than some weird hybrid made to fit around the narrative.

Cast list. Volunteer – Eduardo Meneses. That is nearly the coolest name ever. Catering was by Rolling Chef. The chef was Michael Zwart. That’s right. The Michael Zwart who did catering on Space Buddies.

Dory Vanderkuip did both craft services and first aid. Hopefully she did more of the former than the latter. I’ll try and find out.

People that also suffered this film

Stupid Blue Planet

International Syndicate of Cult Film Critics

HorrorNews.net

Lifeforce – A Half Drunk/Half Hungover Review

I’ve heard Lifeforce is bad. But I’m drunk. So, in honour of the late, great Tobe Hooper, I’m watching it.

Ooh. The Canon Group. I’ve always liked their logo. It kind of sticks together. Dykstra? Don’t trust him.

Lifeforce - Dykstra
When I’m able to make use of someone, I always do. It’s convenient.

Henry Mancini? He’s a top cat.

Screenplay based on the novel ‘Space Vampires’. Sounds erm… The screenplay is by Dan O’Bannon though, and didn’t he do Alien? Opening music is very bombastic, but in a documentary kind of way.

Menahem Golan. Bet they never reached these heights again.

Why did the narrator say ‘rendezvous’ like that?

They’ve sent the Angel of the North into space.

Lifeforce - The Angel of the North
The Angel of the North

There’s obviously some budget gone into this.

SPACE FRIENDS ASSEMBLE!

So… If Dan O’Bannon wrote this and Alien, did he ever sue himself for plagiarism?

ACTUAL SPACE VAMPIRES. I didn’t expect that, just some crappy effects.

When people say ‘dessicated’, I always think of coconut mushrooms. In a small white paper bag.

This opening bit is sort of on the edge of being momentous. It’s like the script is there and the effects are there, but, well, it’s not quite there.

“A nude chick you say? I’ll be right there,” says Captain Kansas.

Hula girls?

That guy looks like the guy who looks like Gaff in Blade Runner.

“Houston, we have a problem.” I bet they HATE it when people say that.

Hey. Wait. This is like the Russian ship in Dracula. I’ll try to remember its name.

There’s a lot of tweed in this scene.

Heh. Old BBC news. Before all the bombast.

It wasn’t the Lucitania, was it? I can’t check as I’m watching the film on my phone. Ruritania? I think that’s something else though. Was the Lucitania the ship that got sunk in WW1?

There’s a lot of doors between him and scientist being killed by naked vampire lady.

“We need more doors.”

Lifeforce - Tarkovsky doors
Tarkovsky was a big fan of doors

I think in this, the SAS are seen as being like the Gestapo.

I fell asleep, so drunk review becomes hungover review.

Is scientist guy Renfield?

Surely the SAS aren’t used as detectives. Even space detectives. Wouldn’t this be an MI5 sort of job?

Again there’s a lot of doors.

They’re jiggling their guns, but there’s no flame coming out.

I miss practical monster effects.

Beats CGI all ends up

He looks proud of himself for having killed someone.

These two voyeurs seem quite unashamed.

Had the Home Secretary just come from compering a comedy club?

Shouldn’t they be feeding them animals or something? That way they could interrogate them. Why did the originals look like humans anyway?

They’ve found Jared Leto in a space capsule.

Lifeforce - Jared Leto
“So, you’ve been stuck in a capsule for three months. Is it preparation for a role?”
“No, it was Batman fans who were worried I’d be in the Joker origin film.”

Even sober, I can’t remember the ship that Dracula came over in. I’m fairly confident it was the Ruritania. How come lady vampire’s boobs are now covered by a metal band on the sarcophagus? The film wasn’t so could earlier. Was the actress paid by the boob minute.

So he’s burning his ship and escaping in an escape pod to end the thread. Was Alien Dan O’Bannon’s attempt to correct the mistakes he made in this film?

Mr.Scientist, will you please sort your tie out?

Has the vampire lady changed body because the one who looks like she should be on a Roxy Music cover is a model rather than an actor and they need someone who can act a bit more now?

Lifeforce - Roxy Music
“So turn the lights down low”

ENGAGE!

Vampire nurse has Bowie posters. She can’t be all that bad. Colonel Kane of the SAS rocks. Not sure where I recognise him from though. The Professionals? Something like that.

“Not at all. I’m a natural voyeur.”

The Home Secretary is a creepy fellow. Why is he going round with them anyway? Shouldn’t it be the scientists instead?

Patrick Stewart screams well.

Ah, so that’s why the aliens looked human. They can shapeshift.

Sir Patrick Stewart looks vaguely unimpressed by the way they’re shaking him about.

Old scientist is Van Helsing.

Lifeforce - London
Panic on the streets of London

When Dracula wanted to secure an estate in London, he didn’t mean an Escort (how’s that for Carfax?).

Is that the church where Damien’s dad died in The Omen? There should be more good horror like that. Why can’t they make any? Get Out was good, but that seems to be an exception.

Was that Alan Moore zombiedracula?

Alan Moore as a zombiedracula (seriously though, read Trifecta)

Ha! A Prefab Sprout poster! Was that an early example of product placing – he stood so that the Interflora logo wasn’t obscured.

Colonel Caine of the SAS should get his own film franchise. Or been in Doctor Who or something.

To be fair, I don’t have much of a problem with just London being obliterated- Victoria Station is a nightmare.

Guinness. 4.3%. The Emerald Club, The Molineux, The Emerald Club, The Royal Oak. £various.