Housesitters – A Drunken Review


SOBER EDIT – There are minor sort of spoilery things.

The hamsters are quiet tonight.

I’m currently drinking a milk stout. It’s horrible. With a delicious aftertaste. It’s called “Tonkonko”. Maybe it’d be best if I got someone to drink it and spi… No. Everyone’s asleep. Even the hamsters.

This next beer has ‘briny’ in its description. Does that mean it’ll taste like hot dog water? Seriously. It’s a “sweet, briny, chewy trouble maker.” It’s briny AND chewy? Anyway, film.

The production credits. So beautifully 80s.

I wonder if these 3 would do a good job of looking after my son’s hamsters. A friend of mine was an electrician. He was working in an air force officer’s house. When the officer left, he tried on his uniform. You know these would do the same.

They’re talking about regurgitating food into someone’s mouth. That’d work with the beer.

Was that Freddie Kreuger’s hat?

Freddie Kreuger
“I’m your boyfriend now”

I could never employ a housesitter. I get freaked when a non-family person is in the next room in our house.

“To hire food.” Brilliant.

When I watched the trailer, the two leads annoyed me and I thought I’d have to be super drunk to watch. I mean they’re supposed to be a bit annoying, but the trailer showed only the worst and I assumed it’d be relentlessly annoying.

I want pizza. Being a pizza marketing person must be the easiest job. Basically, you see pizza, you want pizza. Dominos did especially well in an email once though, advertising a pizza with “you’re tearing me apart pizza.”

See? You want pizza now.

I feel like I should make another reference to Ghoulies 2 here.

Ugh. Magnolia.

The chemistry between these two appears quite genuine.

Homonculus. What a marvellous word. Not as good as petrichor, but it’s still good.

The black hole at the door reminds me of House. House 2 is better. It has Cliff from Cheers as a plumber/adventurer and a line like “What you’ve got here is your standard interdimensional vortex.”

The music here is a bit like Silent Hill 2 when your character’s soul is basically broken.

Silent Hill 2
“But you’re Maria”

One knife! One knife in heaven!

Once I saw a set of magic books and bestiaries in a charity shop window. Bought them for my brother. The woman behind the counter (I assume a Christian) gave me such a filthy look.

A warlock? Of Firetop Mountain?

Warlock of Firetop Mountain
Turn to page 400

Warlocks are always classy. Unlike druids.

This trailer looks like a Unity asset game. I’m not putting the rest of the film down by saying it’s my favourite bit yet. Will zombie head spider be in it? Or was it made with The Movies? Dancing About Barkitecture. Love it. Bit worried we’ve seen the best bits…

These two seem like they’d be very good YouTubers. Not sure why. Maybe it’s just that they’d be good at talking shit about crap.

The basement’s not the womb. It’s about the deepest oedipal and repressed sexuality or something according to Slavoz Zicek.

Alan Partridge
“Dan! Dan! Dan!”

He’s quite a reasonable demon.

Actually Greg looks a bit like Slavoz Zizek.

I started a Ghostbusters club at school. We were going to go and search the old house next to the school. My son goes to the school now. The house has goats. For sacrifice, I assume. We could have stopped it cold.

“I don’t see time and space the way you people do.” You already s… Well played sir, well played.

This whole self defence thing reminds me of when I killed a wasp while watching Cartel 2045.

“That’s why I’m single.” Again, well played.

OK. If I’d just seen the trailer, and not committed to reviewing, I wouldn’t have watched this. So glad I did, though. It’s amusing enough until Dances With Barkitecture, which is fantastic, and then finishes very strongly. Also, Tatania Von Recklinghausen is an amazing name.

Saltwater. Briny beer. Full circle, like Jedis and stuff.

Jurassic Games – A Drunken Review

Jurassic Games Poster
Jurassic Games Poster

(Sober edit – there will probably be spoilers ahead. Can’t say for definite as I haven’t read my notepad…)

Not sure my head’s up to a review. Started drinking early. Now I’m drunk with a hangover. Was the last home game of the season, so been out all day. Let’s see how we go.

Music, nice and 80s. George Carlin quote too. Awesome.

Wait. They’re in virtual reality, but have explosive collars in that virtual world. Ah. OK. They make sense now.

Nice Willhelm.

Not sure why they decided to make it virtual dinosaurs. Maybe it was to get over the possibility of dinosaurs escaping. I know dinosaurs are obviously difficult to make, but in a fictional universe, it’s fine, you can do what you want.

Weirdly the CGI of that drone looks less real than the dinosaurs.

This is very Running Man. Hence the 80s soundtrack.

Running Man
Only in a re-run

I like Joy.

Contract killer guy is very SHOUTY.

There’s also a Paul Veerhoven vibe. The adverts, like in Robocop and Starship Troopers.

I was expecting a physical maze. Like a maize maze. Did they first get made because of the pun? It’s too perfect. There’s one near, but I’ve never been.

In reality, they reckon raptors were feathery. I wrote a short story about an inventor tracking down a dinosaur in Victorian London once (was the first one I did that a magazine had illustrated). Maybe I should put some of my stories here too. Anyway, I did some research (Google).

Kung fu vs. Raptors
When is someone going to do this beat ’em up?

Kung Fu vs. Raptors. I never knew I needed that in my life until I saw it.

Oh. There is a physical maze. Reminds me a little of The Cube. Need to watch that again soon. Still not a maize maze.

Joy (in name only, to quote Nick Cave) is still the star of the show.

I was kind of expecting Shelley to be a victim who got revenge or something.

There’s stories of cavemen like people living in the woods near me. Today’s review is full of local knowledge.

Why bother making the herbivores in VR. I still struggle with the point of the VR. Mind you, I suppose VR dinosaurs would be a lot easier to create than actual, so you aren’t pushing the bounds of reality so much.

The main chap remindes me of Trent Reznor.

If I were a cannibal, I wouldn’t have a beard. Until recently, I had one. It was large and luxurious.  The Pirate Captain would have been proud. Anyway, I can imagine blood and flesh are difficult to get out. Spaghetti and pesto certainly is.

OK. I know the cannibal, I’m sure. And not just from the woods.

It’s how he would have wanted to have gone.

I’ve always liked sabre-tooth tigers. Prefer Joy though.

I know serial killers are bad people, but really hoping Joy wins…

I was hoping the last challenge would have been Batman. Riding a triceratops.

Three Rex
“Three Rex”. Pun of the day.

In reality, you couldn’t let some of these people go. Unless it’s like the winners in The Running Man.

Paul Michael Glazer should have been the leader of the Cavemen. Or Mick Fleetwood.

Dinosaurs with upgrades! Like Dino Riders. Or Smash Up! Which you totally should play.

Seriously. Play it.


Cartel 2045 – A Drunken Review

Cartel 2045 Official Poster

Ooh. We’re starting with an Isaac Asimov quote, so this is SERIOUS.

Robot warfare. Not a particularly good idea. A robot cannot make judgement calls. Its target is a major dealer. That dealer is on a bus with some kids. A bullet may ricochet. Does the robot risk that?

Why did they put it on the screen that he was a marine? They effectively did it in dialogue. Is that Michael Dorn? I don’t think it is, actually.

Project Chariot. Isn’t that a name for a robot project elsewhere? There’s a Chariot Persona in Persona 5.  I’ll do some research when I’m sober. (Sober edit – Project Chariot was a plan to use nuclear weapons to create an artificial harbour. Also, Chariot was a confidant, not a Persona).

Chariot Confidant

Modernist classical music that was used in 2001 (sober edit – Ligeti’s Requiem). The bit where they examine the monolith. Obviously chosen by the guy who chose the Asimov quote.

Maybe, with robots, Juarez would be safer for innocent bystanders – theoretically they’d be more accurate and their bullets would only hit their actual targets (sober edit – seems I changed my mind here).

Quite like the robot design, but the fact they’re CGI is too obvious. Physical effects would be better here.

Not sure if this screener is missing subtitles.

The ‘grindhouse’ filter is unnecessary. They’ve done things that are out of place with that ouevre (is that the right word, or have I just used the French for egg?).

Is this a bit of a metaphor for Americans having to sort out a problem that they created?

Again, developers working without a QA. It’ll end in disaster.

This is a really pleasant red.

There’s a wasp in my room and I’ve no idea how it got in here. It came out of a wicker basket, I think, which concerns me slightly. He seems very drowsy. Just fell slightly. He’s only been on surfaces I can’t wack though.

Would putting gold on a robot weigh it down?

Suddenly the robot effects look better. Not big budget Hollywood, but certainly a hell of a lot better.

I wonder if that wasp had been at my wine when I wasn’t looking and that’s why he was drowsy. Can’t see him now anyway. I’m a professional and I focus on the films. And the wine. Got him. Feel a bit bad now.

Was it wrong to end an insect’s life because I didn’t want to be stung.

The relationship between Carson and the AI seems like it’s one that would be very interesting if it were fully fleshed out.

Just ditch that damn grindhouse filter. It had a purpose in other films. Here it seems like it’s just used because Danny Trejo is in it.

You know what, I think I think I was a bit harsh on the robot effects earlier. They’re not far off District 9 levels.

‘kin hell. Kid Rock just entered the fray. This isn’t a bad film. Bit of a no-brainer, but it has interesting ideas that could be explored further, characters that aren’t fully fleshed out and just lots of little things that could be tweaked slightly to make it a much better film. Plus A.D.A.M is obviously H.A.L, so the Asimov thing continues (except for the 3 laws of robotics).

Or is it Michael Dorn?

Damn you! I just got “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road” out of my head and someone references the yellow brick road. Was disappointed with the QOTSA cover.

I think I did get stung you know. I have an angry patch on my arm.

Does he really want to use an EMP style weapon when he has a chip inside his head? Also, that’s not what a virtual machine is. There’ll be a lot of angry nerds out there.

A metal footed robot makes stealth more difficult. Should have brought him slippers.

This is one of the things that makes this just an OK film and not a food film. We’ve reached the climax, but we’ve not really had a clear route here. There’s not been a clear arc.

Caterer was Carol Force.