Sober Edit – There are a load of spoilers in this. A bloody load.

I assume this is about the current weather in the UK. Seriously, we had a Sports Day at work (my first in what, 27 years) and I’m sure I had a dose of heat stroke. Anyway, no bottle of wine tonight, as I had a few beers and ciders earlier, so it’s just more cider.

Every time I hear the Netflix sting, I think of the DJ Yoda Stranger Things  mix tape.

First shot looks like it’s from the Archillect twitter account.

“You think you know your beautiful wife.”

The alien gun sound effects sound like a kid’s toy.

There’s a new spooky wind sound in my house.

So is this in the future? They didn’t make it obvious at first. It’s a future where ties and unbuttoned shirts are acceptable. We have to stop this coming true.

Is this film anti-immigration? There was talk of aliens settling in, then they turn on, and massacre, their hosts.

In what sort of work environment would you pass out and nobody would notice?

Those giant windows would not be conducive to sleep.

I wonder if this is going to be one of those films that should have been a pilot to a series.

Come on dude, you’re allowed a “Told you so” for this.

Do they have emergency broadcasts ready for alien invasions?

A lot of aliens seem to use sweeping light these days.

I thought corporate looking dude was going to be a douchebag at first, but he seems OK.

Typical. Kids always going back for toys… That’s done best in Under the Shadow. There, it has some meaning, rather than being a lazy way of driving the hero into danger.

What if the aliens are just trying to save the planet from us?

The alien infantry weapons sound like drum pads.

The precognition part of this film hasn’t served any narrative purpose. Without it, though, the film offers very little.

Where;s the futile military attack? Every invasion film has one. It’s the law.

Is this going to be an hour of his daughter screaming?

Projecting light onto smoke, just like NIN do.

Oh dear. Picks up alien gun and can rewire it in minutes.

Kinda like that aliens aren’t invincible – they go down when shotgunned. Bit thick though. It seems they have the ability to flatten tower blocks, but go floor by floor.

Is the alien going to be… You. Human. You’d better bloody say why, but I’ve a feeling you won’t. Why did they have breathing apparatus when they can just breathe?

Oh. You people. Are they not human then?

Why, if you’d captured one of them, would you kill them? Surely they could be interrogated? You won’t get many other chances.

OK, so that’s a twist. Typically, no foreshadowing, unless I was to watch it again, but that’s not happening.

They needed to lay more groundwork, make the androids more oppressed. Instead, they seem pretty awful. Makes the humans wiping them out seem not so bad.

So Miles the human let them go and now they’re killing humans. Those deaths are on him.

That train had Korn stencilled on it. Wonder if he’s still wearing that same Adidas top and making samey music.

Humans aren’t very good shots.

And why not use that quad laser before?

Wiping their memories surely reduced their preparedness.

This end credits music is apt in that it’s bland.

The twist itself was mildly interesting, but everything else was pretty much balls.



This is a f… I was about to say this was a first – drunk and subtitles, but near the beginning of Corking Movies, I watched some Tarkovsky. I get the feeling there won’t be much humour in this review, but we’ll see.

I’ve seen this line in the trailer, but I do like. “Do you euthanize animals here?” “Those too.” That’s the first dialogue in the film. Makes me think we won’t be messing about here.

That Petri’s a dish… And that may be the only joke in this. That garage is full of nudie calendars.

I’m getting the vibes of another film, but I can’t think what it is.

Never understood why people have pets and abuse them. Unless you’re an actually a sadist, you’ll find a home for them.

“Soldiers of Finland?” Sound like pleas… Yup. Neo-Nazis. Who or what is Tom of Finland?

Tom of Finland
Coincidentally, Sky had a film about Tom of Finland on their list. This was just about the ‘safest’ drawing of his I could find.

Is there something in him being a mechanic? He brings the mechanical back to life, but the organic, he helps to die. And he does it with love.

I’ve not watched a lot of Finnish cinema, but the main guy looks familiar.

I didn’t know  Finland used the Euro. I thought they were part of the trading zone, but didn’t use the Euro. Part of the Free Trade Association like Norway. See. Corking Movies is educational. (Sober edit. What my drunken self was trying to say was that Norway are part of the FTA, but Finland are full members).

Isn’t the lily of the valley poisonous? I’m guessing he doesn’t like his father.

I imagine it’s difficult for non-Finnish people to speak Finnish. Finnish seems a weird mix of Japanese and Polish. If you look at some of the Finnish footballer’s names they could be Japanese.

I’m glad they haven;t made the protagonist a total outsider. Gives him more depth. He’s disconnected from the people who live near him, but he is not a total sociopath.

I wonder if neo-nazis are on the rise in Finland the way they are here and the US. I don’t imagine there is much immigration there. Maybe I’m doing it a disservice. I think I’d like to visit, but I can’t imagine there’s much economic migration. (sober edit. It seems that there is quite a large neo-nazi movement in Finland. And my drunk reasoning behind there not being much was a bit narrow minded.)

One thing about cowards like this guy – questioning them in front of their friends is dangerous.

I think it’s hard to judge acting in another language, but this seems very good.

The trailer miss-sold the film. Did it a disservice. Made it out to be a serial killer film when it’s not.

I hope this does well. When I was young, well, teens, when my parents went for a meal, they’d get me and my brother a film. Sometimes they’d pick them, and they would pick some real obscure, but very good, stuff. God knows how they found out about them. This film feels like one of those.

We would also be treated to the delicious flavours of Dominos pizza (now, about that sponsorship deal)

Some of this is so beautifully shot. Unlike some I’ve watched recently, this is a film by film lovers.

This film twists and turns like a twisty turny thing. Just when you think you know what it is, VOOP! it’s something else. I don’t mean it’s a confused film, it’s not. It disorients the viewer. It keeps the viewer engaged.

I wonder if directors pick guns for a reason, or because they’re available. For example ,I think that was a Tokarev, which is Soviet. I may be wrong.

Remember kids, don’t confuse limestone and quicklime. One increases decomposition, the other slows it down.

I think it’s funny that this neo-nazi group has just for members. Like Korg in Thor – Ragnarok, who tried to start a revolution, but didn’t print enough pamphlets, so hardly anyone turned up.

Oh hey guys.

I think I’d have liked this film to have discussed the neo-nazi angle more. It’s a debate that sadly needs to be had over 70 years since they were supposedly put to bed. Now, patriots espouse their values whilst draping themselves with flags. Look at the Proud Boys. Their great-grandfathers would be sick.

Paul Thingy from Prison Planet
An idiot, yesterday.

Maybe the end was a little hurried. Maybe. With films like this though, that often feels the case. It’s the journey, not the destination.





Oh man. If you wanted to give someone a red wine to let them know what red wine is, this would be it. It’s very… red winey.

Anyway, Blackenstein. Always feel a bit weird watching blacksploitation films. I mean, they pander to stereotypes, but, at the same time, they’re often sort of positive ones. Like Pam Grier in just about any blacksploitation films. She plays a stereotype, but it’s a strong, positive one. Same with Richard Rowntree. Are these characters empowering, or pandering?

Well, we’ve cut right to the science. What a weird cut to the credits then. There were scientists, science noises, then white noise and the producer’s name. The sound literally stopped and it seems we have… yes. Green mist revealing into text. And back to the scientists. And some of the same footage. It’s like that initial footage was just stuck before the credits because…

Nice music. Film stock quality… infomercial. Music by Carmelo di Milo.

That was a beautifully shot spiral staircase.

Dr. Stein? Seriously? If his name is Frank… He’s a chatty sort. Not the broody goth of Frankenstein.

Heavy on the exposition.

Seriously, have you guys read Frankenstein? Dude makes a creature out of body parts and then whines about how terrible things happen to him.

Ouch. Soundtrack wibbled there. They haven’t remastered this. Back to Frankenstein. His old nanny is convicted of a killing by the monster (I think it may be the accidental drowning of a young girl) and hung. Old Victor screams “why me?” Not why the young girl or the nurse.

The fellow wanted ice cream, not a lecture. I think it’s a discussion of the poor treatment of veterans.

Dr.Stein won the “Nobel Prize for solving the DNA genetic code”. Nice going Dr.Stein.

It’s so intolerably hot here. It’s after 1am in the UK and it’s too hot. Nice science goggles.

She blinded me with science!
Beep bop boop

They’re injecting DNA? Doesn’t it come in tablet form yet? There was a segment on Last Week Tonight about DNA hacking, which seems like giving toddlers nuclear weapons.

DNA injections can reduce ageing? I might inject some.

Is that the Iron Sheik? He’s had a leg grafted on using laser fusion and injections of DNA. He had an RNA injection and has tiger stripes on his other leg. I can’t even… I was going to joke about injecting RNA, but they blew that one up.

By the time this starts, it’ll be the end.

I’m not even sure what limb they’re attaching. If it is just one.

This wine doesn’t glug, but is decent. Is one exception enough to throw my theory out?

It was his arm he was having attached. Or an arm. The most dangerous of all limbs attached by mad science.

Eddie has no emotion. The thing he has been most agitated about so far is ice cream.

I love this old school way of lighting sets, where different areas of the set are different colours and the shadows look almost painted on.

The Addams family set in colour
The Addams family set in colour

Not sure if he’s doing homebrew or evil. Looks like he has one vat of lager and one of Guinness. Hopefully my Beer 52 order will arrive in time for the match tomorrow.

Is that doctor checking out Eddie’s junk under the sheets, whilst pretending to be seeing if his new legs hold?

I think the editing was done with garden shears.

Hang on. He just get out of bed wearing shoes. And he went to bed without having any feet. He’s also been to Kid n Play’s hairdresser.

Seriously, films need events! And acting. Unless you’re Terrence Malik, or Tarkovsky, then you can have endless shots of scenery, because you are capable of creating something beautiful that people want to watch.

This nurse is about to die (all because he wouldn’t provide ice cream) works looooong shifts.

Don’t worry. He’s armless now.

The acting in Blackenstein is perfectly summed up in this sequence.

This is so me. Wake up in the middle of the night and mix some science together.

Is he walking across a lawn of popping seaweed? Can sober me find out what it’s called? (sober edit: It’s called bladderwrack, or fucus vesiculosus). These two about to die extras are the best actors to date. They have Good King Wenceslas playing. It’s not a Christmas film!

“I’d like you to take me home.”

“You have beautiful hair.”

“Yeah, I know I do.”

This dialogue…

I think Blackenstein is suffering from terrible flatulence.

Whoever wrote this really doesn’t get, or know, the story of Frankenstein.

Suddenly Malcolm is showing emotion.

Why have they got Eddie in a cage now? I’m not sure they know he went on a random killing spree, where he killed a woman who escaped from a potential date rape, which the perpetrator escaped (there’s no morality to these killings).

Why’s he got a chess clock on his book case?

Lieutenant Jackson looks like he should be the star of this. Has real presence. Reminds me of Mark Bright.

Mark Abraham Bright is an English former footballer who is now a sports pundit on BBC, British Eurosport and Al Jazeera, as well as a coach at Crystal Palace


“Let me hear it for a fantastic lady.”


We know have a bizarre night club comedy interlude. And now music. This is the best bit of the film and it has nothing to do with the rest of it. She’s singing the music from the beginning.

For a moment there, I thought the monster was going to rescue a potential rape victim. But no. He killed her attacker, then her.

He now looks like a Matt Berry character.

Another date rape scene. What’s up with the writers?

Why didn’t bloke who looks like The Iron Sheik do a Tiger Knee?

Tiger KNEE!

I’m still watching this. Send supplies.

Well that was a turnip for the books.

Just had to rewind as I was drunk and started to browse social media. What I thought was a turn-up for the books may not be.

The monster POV shot is the worst. Unless it’s the Jabberwocky. It’s a shame Terry Gilliam is an arse.

“I’m an arse.”

Jim, when someone asks for “an ambulance, code 3, red light and siren”, you don’t slowly help a victim of shock.

It WASN’T a turn-up for the books. I was just confused.

That was the most underwhelming ending ever. Plus, it said stunt men and there was only one name.