100 Million BC – A Drunken Review

I’ve heard about Asylum Films. Not complimentary things.

The opening credits are very confident. Very bombastic.

Resident Evil door sound!

OK Sergeant Wikipedia, you can shut up now.

Is this supposed to be in the past, or is he supposed to be 87? They’ve sent people back 70 million years? In a film called 100 Million Years BC?

Are you wearing your glasses or not? Make your mind up.

Corporal Moustache is confused. Colonel Smiley seems a bit embarrassed by the whole affair.

An advert there for a coffee machine with the strap line “Be Your Own Barista.” Is that like representing yourself?

We also have Private Tall and Private Pretty Boy. I bet Lieutenant Area Sales Manager will survive.

Private Pretty Big wasn’t first.

Wait. You know own that thing you said you needed to survive? Where is it?

Yeah, I bet you feel like dicks for laughing now, don’t you?

Oh, so it’s Petty Officer Pretty Boy.

Some of them have died. I’m not sure who and how many. They don’t seem to care, so why should I? Private Tall is dead and so is Lieutenant Area Sales Manager. Looks like a field promotion for Sergeant Wikipedia.

How long until we get a reference to some American sports team winning something?

I don’t think CGI like this has ever been seen as effective. CGI was meant to be an improvement on stop motion.

“What’s a Soviet?” Really?

Professor Not Hawkeye’s forehead has remarkably defined wrinkles.

When I wrote a short story about dinosaurs, I researched raptors. I was disappointed to find that they probably had feathers.

Was Sergeant Wikipedia going for a trophy by attempting to kill a pterodon with a a grenade?

You wanged a grenade at a flying dinosaur.
Pteroboom

You took away 60 hours away from him? You’ve taken away hours from me.

Plus column – four people who would have possibly have died of natural causes rescued. Minus points, a scientist and most of s SEAL team lost, a T-Rex brought into the future

Day to Night
So that’s how they do Day to Night.

Leonard Cohen’s helicopter sees nothing.

Did thermal imaging exist in W2?

Yes… Circle strafe it. Worked against vores.

Quake Vore

How did they not break their ankles jumping about 20 feet out of a helichopper?

Those guys have really shiny helmets. Really shiny.

Isn’t that a Russian jet?

Not sure about the whole chain of command or lack of resources here.

Was that a WW2 bazooka firing fire like a flamethrower?

Wait. If I was under the impression that any of this should make any sense, I’ve screwed that into ball and drop kicked it into a river. I fully expect a Roman legion and some Daleks (English robots – ask your geek friends) to enter the fray.

Steven Moffat, what have you done to us?
A Dalek, tomorrow

Meant to ask earlier, but was there some caveman hairdresser who specialises in surf cuts?

Does a WW2 era half-track go in the plus column? Does it counteract the LAPD helicopter?

Sergeant Wikipedia totally got sidelined for the finale.

Is it true you’re not supposed to salute without a hat?

Benny Hill
An idiot, yesterday

OK. Dudes from the past then the past, staying in the present. What happens with jobs, housing etc? If you’re not on record (ie you don’t exist) how can you get by in the 21st century? Have they been through all that to become homeless?

Helicopter pilot – Astrum Helicopters? Does that mean self flying helicopters?

Who did the catering? I may choose films in the future by who did the catering. And they’re getting a mention on Twitter if I find out who they are.

Didn’t see any mention of catering. Rewinding to watch the credits again. Will never watch the film again. Don’t recommend you watch it. Not angry about this like I was with Crystal Skulls, as you could see the cast kind of cared about what they were doing. Music at the end is some horrid Rush type thing.

Rush
Slappa da bass

I can’t see who did the catering. Maybe everyone took packed lunches. Maybe everyone took packed lunches. Cheese and onion sandwiches, Viscount biscuit and Space Raiders.

Space Raiders

Crystal Skulls – A Drunken Review

It’s over 2 hours long. God help me.

This music is about 78% more dramatic than the action. The news footage is not from a known new channel. Obviously no clearance, Clarence. Is that one of those vodka bottles shaped like a skull?

One of the crystal skulls
£48. Not sure the budget would stretch to this.

A Bulgaria/Canada production?

I’ve heard of found footage, but this is a found dialogue script.

Heh. A hooded monk is talking, but his head is not moving and his voice is not muffled.

This guy has a fear of heights. I bet that doesn’t come up again.

The only thing that made me choose this over The Pyramid was that The Pyramid is found footage and that usually knocks a point or two off for me. It’s rarely done well, and it’s done so often.

Whoever designed this office is a big fan of Pokémon.

Why are there two dudes in hazmat shots in the middle of the room whilst everyone else is wandering around in normal clothes? The box was already opened by the cockney chap, and they’re opening it in the same room.

So, the Crystal Skulls did some hoodoo and only the guys in the hazmat suits died.

Crystal Skulls - A Drunken Review
Vienna? This means nothing to me.

Don’t go back in there. Two people in hazmat suits just died there. Maybe they didn’t want people to recognise them in this film?

Three news channel bits. Written and filmed by someone who has never seen the news.

I think the person who did this CGI also did Knightmare.

Crystal Skulls
Enter, stranger

Is that Andy Burnham?

Are films like this filmed as some sort of tax fiddle? Nobody watches them on purpose, as surely, other than family members and cynical drunks.

“I want to thank both of you for turning up to my brother’s funeral.”

There’s two identical headstones there. I assume one is their father’s, but it doesn’t seem to be aged. Unless he demanded in his will that his wife be killed and buried alongside him. No wonder she looks vaguely disappointed.

You know on comedy programmes where they do intentionally bad acting? Well this isn’t intentional.

Is this guy like the guy who played the Turkish lawyer in Midnight Express’s character in Last Crusade (he was also in Birds of a Feather)? Does he appear to be a violent fanatic, but is essentially trying to stop the 13th Crystal Skull from falling into the wrong hands?

Why are those journalists doing outside broadcasts from around the word about something on Vienna?

Wait, which one of you is the helicopter expert? You’ve both just explained how they work to each other.

American Army response – shoot the skulls.

The first of the three broadcasters paid the top tier on Kickstarter, I reckon.

Jesus. You’re old enough to be her dad.

Crystal Skulls - Harry Stewart
Harry Stewart is the only mysterious capitalist in a wheelchair for me.

They’re going to vapourise the skulls back to where they came from, apparently.

When they cast the professor, one vital question they didn’t ask was “can you move at more than a leisurely jog?”

The cockney gangster chap has the delivery of Richard Ayoade in Garth Marenghi’s Darkplace.

Darkplace

Is that a trabant? Probably doubled the budget.

I called it on the Last Crusade thing.

Oh fuck off.

I think I recognise this actor playing the dad. From the Vicar of Dibley or something. And he’s probably the one they used to impress the producers (I guess this is something that happens with low budget stuff – “Hey, we got the guy who played Dirty Den in EastEnders on board”).

“Can you pretend you’re talking please? No, don’t make any sound.”

They’re giving them hazmat suits for protection. DID THEY LEARN NOTHING?

Are we done here?

I don’t normally do a post match analysis on a film – I’m usually eager to get to bed. However, I’m feeling a bit more lively right now.

There’s a craze these days for films that are intentionally bad. I avoid these. I don’t really see the point. If you’re doing something satirical, like Garth Marenghi, that’s fine, otherwise it’s some sort of deceit. You’re not laughing at them for making a bad film. They make a film with an objective – to make you watch it. And you have.

Saying that, however, this shit was made in earnest AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHY. I’m new to this, to searching the dark corners of TV – the channels dedicated to genre cinema and the wee hours schedules, so there’s bound to be more of this sort of thing. Maybe that’s it – they’re aimed at niche reviewers, but that’s a narrow market. Nobody is going to watch this and tell someone else they should. There’s no amusement to be had, just a load of tutting and sighing. So, if nobody is going to recommend it, and nobody is going to watch it more than once, how does it make any money? Weirdly, I feel angry at everyone involved. I’m not joking when I say don’t watch this.

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ISCFCs review