Crystal Skulls – A Drunken Review

It’s over 2 hours long. God help me.

This music is about 78% more dramatic than the action. The news footage is not from a known new channel. Obviously no clearance, Clarence. Is that one of those vodka bottles shaped like a skull?

One of the crystal skulls
£48. Not sure the budget would stretch to this.

A Bulgaria/Canada production?

I’ve heard of found footage, but this is a found dialogue script.

Heh. A hooded monk is talking, but his head is not moving and his voice is not muffled.

This guy has a fear of heights. I bet that doesn’t come up again.

The only thing that made me choose this over The Pyramid was that The Pyramid is found footage and that usually knocks a point or two off for me. It’s rarely done well, and it’s done so often.

Whoever designed this office is a big fan of Pokémon.

Why are there two dudes in hazmat shots in the middle of the room whilst everyone else is wandering around in normal clothes? The box was already opened by the cockney chap, and they’re opening it in the same room.

So, the Crystal Skulls did some hoodoo and only the guys in the hazmat suits died.

Crystal Skulls - A Drunken Review
Vienna? This means nothing to me.

Don’t go back in there. Two people in hazmat suits just died there. Maybe they didn’t want people to recognise them in this film?

Three news channel bits. Written and filmed by someone who has never seen the news.

I think the person who did this CGI also did Knightmare.

Crystal Skulls
Enter, stranger

Is that Andy Burnham?

Are films like this filmed as some sort of tax fiddle? Nobody watches them on purpose, as surely, other than family members and cynical drunks.

“I want to thank both of you for turning up to my brother’s funeral.”

There’s two identical headstones there. I assume one is their father’s, but it doesn’t seem to be aged. Unless he demanded in his will that his wife be killed and buried alongside him. No wonder she looks vaguely disappointed.

You know on comedy programmes where they do intentionally bad acting? Well this isn’t intentional.

Is this guy like the guy who played the Turkish lawyer in Midnight Express’s character in Last Crusade (he was also in Birds of a Feather)? Does he appear to be a violent fanatic, but is essentially trying to stop the 13th Crystal Skull from falling into the wrong hands?

Why are those journalists doing outside broadcasts from around the word about something on Vienna?

Wait, which one of you is the helicopter expert? You’ve both just explained how they work to each other.

American Army response – shoot the skulls.

The first of the three broadcasters paid the top tier on Kickstarter, I reckon.

Jesus. You’re old enough to be her dad.

Crystal Skulls - Harry Stewart
Harry Stewart is the only mysterious capitalist in a wheelchair for me.

They’re going to vapourise the skulls back to where they came from, apparently.

When they cast the professor, one vital question they didn’t ask was “can you move at more than a leisurely jog?”

The cockney gangster chap has the delivery of Richard Ayoade in Garth Marenghi’s Darkplace.


Is that a trabant? Probably doubled the budget.

I called it on the Last Crusade thing.

Oh fuck off.

I think I recognise this actor playing the dad. From the Vicar of Dibley or something. And he’s probably the one they used to impress the producers (I guess this is something that happens with low budget stuff – “Hey, we got the guy who played Dirty Den in EastEnders on board”).

“Can you pretend you’re talking please? No, don’t make any sound.”

They’re giving them hazmat suits for protection. DID THEY LEARN NOTHING?

Are we done here?

I don’t normally do a post match analysis on a film – I’m usually eager to get to bed. However, I’m feeling a bit more lively right now.

There’s a craze these days for films that are intentionally bad. I avoid these. I don’t really see the point. If you’re doing something satirical, like Garth Marenghi, that’s fine, otherwise it’s some sort of deceit. You’re not laughing at them for making a bad film. They make a film with an objective – to make you watch it. And you have.

Saying that, however, this shit was made in earnest AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHY. I’m new to this, to searching the dark corners of TV – the channels dedicated to genre cinema and the wee hours schedules, so there’s bound to be more of this sort of thing. Maybe that’s it – they’re aimed at niche reviewers, but that’s a narrow market. Nobody is going to watch this and tell someone else they should. There’s no amusement to be had, just a load of tutting and sighing. So, if nobody is going to recommend it, and nobody is going to watch it more than once, how does it make any money? Weirdly, I feel angry at everyone involved. I’m not joking when I say don’t watch this.

Other reviews

The poor people at the Horror News Network endured this too.

ISCFCs review

Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone – A Drunken Review

Ok. Here we go. Harry Potter. It looks kind of dated, but I always think of it as ‘new’. I think that’s an effect of being old. Did you know Pretty Hate Machine is 28 years old?

They haven’t wasted time in the appearance of magic. No half hour messing around with boring normality.

Wonder if these houses were eligible for the first time buyer schemes.

RIP Uncle Monty. 🙁

Uncle Monty
I mean to have you even if it must be burglary

All the cars on this estate are estates. Nice touch.

“You’ve never talked to a snake before?” Obviously not a member of the Tory Party. I now have “I was born a snake” by the fantastic P.O.S in my head.

“Owl do you do.”

I feel I can Witter about this film a bit more as most people who follow this site will already know the story, at least to the end of the first film.

I feel I could watch this with my son in a year or two’s time. The family could easily be golden ticket winners in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

I think this opening could have been a film in itself. A boy unaware of his power, foster parents trying to keep it from him.

Was that Geoffrey Rush?

If you ever go on the Harry Potter bus tour (I only know because the bus goes from the same place to the bus to Windsor and we went to Legoland), there’s a little café there. Looks a bit dank, but the chips are OK and it’s remarkably cheap for London. It’s convenient for Victoria Station too (God I hate that place – people turn their brains off when they get there).

RIP John Hurt. That’s now three great actors from the UK that we’ve lost already. We have really produced some fantastic acting talent.

That whole platform 9 3/4 was horribly oversold.

You know there were three covers to the first book, one for kids and one for adults. The adult one had a grown up train picture cover. Learned this from studying Children’s Literature. I chose to do Patrick Ness’s The Knife of Never Letting Go. Excellent book and currently being filmed with Tom Holland in the lead. Read it now so you can impress your less well friends.

This wine is very dry.

The houses at my school were Windsor (my house), Stuart, Hanover and Tudor.

The sorting hat reminds me of the Oogie Boogie Man.

Well well well, what have we here?

I don’t know how our houses were picked. Windsor were best anyway. I recognise the hat’s voice and I know it’ll kill me when I find out. Leslie Philips?

Alan Rickman RIP

This feels very early 90s. I feel it’s difficult to judge films from this period. SFX were in a sort of transition from those that we kind of accepted weren’t that great but forgave , to what we have now, which feels as real as damnit, so we are more critical. There’s a sort of period that we see as current whilst it is actually old.

I can see why this appeals to children. It would have done to me when I was a pre-teen, before my uncle introduced me to horror (literature – the other sort I learned through the news and A-Level politics). It has that whole life isn’t what you expected or what you believe you deserve, but there’s a secret – you’re special thing.

“They call me the Seeker, I’ve been searching low and high-igh.”

“Give me levitation”. The Who to Hawkwind.

Is Wingardia Leviosa named for Peter Wingard?

Troll in the dungeon? JK Rowling is very good at dealing with trolls. There’s a certain artistry to how easy she makes it looks.

“I trolled you not to do that.”

“Let’s see if it sinks in now.”

It’d be funny if you saw.

Ron Weasley does a fair bit of gurning and pugging. Professor Quillam reminds me of a picture of Disraeli I once saw. He was going through a whole Orientalism thing.

Is John Hurt not going to be in on it again? If you’ve not, you should watch Midnight Express. Great soundtrack. Temporarily forgotten the name of the chap who wrote. No, wait, Georgio Moroder wrote the soundtrack. Brilliant stuff.

How often do live sporting events like this have commentators other than on TV? I’ve not been to a football match where they do.

Joachim Low is trying to fix the match.

Joachim Low

Was Tom Baker’s scarf the colour of Griffendor’s? Slitherinn are Celtic. I arrived at my parent’s house this week to find my son in a Ranger’s top. Not sure I’m happy with that. He’s a Wolves fan whether he wants to be or not.

Do glasses wearers reach for them as soon as they wake up?

When I was down there, the University of Luton had a massive occult section. Impressive leather bound stuff. Golden Bough and that kind of thing.

If the caretaker gives you a wedding invite, DON’T GO.

Is that owl going to turn into David Bowie? In last week’s Twin Peaks (which amuses me as it rhymes) there was a tiny part of me that thought and hoped that Bowie’s death was a weird trick played by Bowie and Lynch.

Does Hagrid want them out of the shack because he’s got something weird going on with his giant dog? Burnt beard hair smells horrid.

These kids feel like they’re out of time. If you took them and put them in a contemporary setting, it’d be quite obvious. I know they’re different, but they’ve been in our world for years. That’s me being a cynical drunk though. The target audience wouldn’t care. I think film critics forget that some times. Films aren’t written for them necessarily. If it’s a realist drama like Whiplash, review it as such, but if it’s something like Bounty Killer, just enjoy the ride. If a film that excites you, or makes you grin, it wins.

Is this filmed at Warwick Castle?

Is it herbology, or herbalism?

Maureen Lipman
“You got an ology?’

“Sounds like Wings”. Am I the only one expecting Band on the Run?

Suddenly gone all Harryhausen. He deserves to be a verb.

Did Weasley refer to a rook as a castle? I hope he dies. Painfully. He could have got off the knight. There’s only one Ron anyway.

The real Ron
You did Ron Ron Ron, you did Ron Ron

The moral of the story is “goths aren’t as scary as society (eg The Sun and The Mail) would have you believe.’

I thought Professor Quillum was the chap from the Big Lebowski and stuff – Scouser who did a short film about if Lennon had left the Beatles (sober edit – David Thewliss). It’s not though. I should be able to remember his name, but can’t.

Voldemort could have been played by David Bowie.

On one of the FIFA soundtracks, there was a song by Ladytron (who I saw support Nine Inch Nails twice – they were very good). The line “Everybody wants to kill the unicorn” was censored to “Everybody wants to BLEEP the unicorn” which made it much worse than it actually was.

Richard Harris was underused in this.

Just so you know, I experimented with cheese on toast tonight. I grated cheese, stirred it with mayonnaise, then toasted it. It was a bit disappointing to be fair. Maybe a little mustard next time?

I appreciate this is an enjoyable film, and as said near the beginning, I would very happily watch this with my son. It’s just not for me.

The students are like public school students. They have a privilege through birth that is not afforded to many. This seems at odds with what I’ve seen of JK Rowling on social media, and the overall message of the film that those born in the depths aren’t always fated to be there. Again, there’s that whole idea of the outsider being born I to something greater, something more, but is that any different from the rich kid being born into public school life etc. There’s a whole conversation about birthright to be had when I’m sober (and yes, for the doubter I was speaking to yesterday, I’m ‘not sure whether to go to bed or sleep in the armchair’ drunk. Possibly because I topped up my wine (£5 from Asda) drunk with Jim Beam). I’m not sure I’ll watch the rest of the series. I have a £4 bottle that was on offer in Asda and some awful looking films on the planner. I do, however, look forward to experiencing the sequels with my son in the future, as, as kids’ and YA films, based on this one, they are very good. It would be better if we saw them together for the first time than if I watched them just because.

The Votes are In 25/08/17

Drunken Movie results

Well, the votes are in. Me and this bottle of Lindeman’s Shiraz are going to watch and review Harry Potter. Never know, I may enjoy it. Thank you to everyone who voted.

[yop_poll id=”3″ show_results=”1″]