It’s over 2 hours long. God help me.
This music is about 78% more dramatic than the action. The news footage is not from a known new channel. Obviously no clearance, Clarence. Is that one of those vodka bottles shaped like a skull?
A Bulgaria/Canada production?
I’ve heard of found footage, but this is a found dialogue script.
Heh. A hooded monk is talking, but his head is not moving and his voice is not muffled.
This guy has a fear of heights. I bet that doesn’t come up again.
The only thing that made me choose this over The Pyramid was that The Pyramid is found footage and that usually knocks a point or two off for me. It’s rarely done well, and it’s done so often.
Whoever designed this office is a big fan of Pokémon.
Why are there two dudes in hazmat shots in the middle of the room whilst everyone else is wandering around in normal clothes? The box was already opened by the cockney chap, and they’re opening it in the same room.
So, the Crystal Skulls did some hoodoo and only the guys in the hazmat suits died.
Don’t go back in there. Two people in hazmat suits just died there. Maybe they didn’t want people to recognise them in this film?
Three news channel bits. Written and filmed by someone who has never seen the news.
I think the person who did this CGI also did Knightmare.
Is that Andy Burnham?
Are films like this filmed as some sort of tax fiddle? Nobody watches them on purpose, as surely, other than family members and cynical drunks.
“I want to thank both of you for turning up to my brother’s funeral.”
There’s two identical headstones there. I assume one is their father’s, but it doesn’t seem to be aged. Unless he demanded in his will that his wife be killed and buried alongside him. No wonder she looks vaguely disappointed.
You know on comedy programmes where they do intentionally bad acting? Well this isn’t intentional.
Is this guy like the guy who played the Turkish lawyer in Midnight Express’s character in Last Crusade (he was also in Birds of a Feather)? Does he appear to be a violent fanatic, but is essentially trying to stop the 13th Crystal Skull from falling into the wrong hands?
Why are those journalists doing outside broadcasts from around the word about something on Vienna?
Wait, which one of you is the helicopter expert? You’ve both just explained how they work to each other.
American Army response – shoot the skulls.
The first of the three broadcasters paid the top tier on Kickstarter, I reckon.
Jesus. You’re old enough to be her dad.
They’re going to vapourise the skulls back to where they came from, apparently.
When they cast the professor, one vital question they didn’t ask was “can you move at more than a leisurely jog?”
The cockney gangster chap has the delivery of Richard Ayoade in Garth Marenghi’s Darkplace.
Is that a trabant? Probably doubled the budget.
I called it on the Last Crusade thing.
Oh fuck off.
I think I recognise this actor playing the dad. From the Vicar of Dibley or something. And he’s probably the one they used to impress the producers (I guess this is something that happens with low budget stuff – “Hey, we got the guy who played Dirty Den in EastEnders on board”).
“Can you pretend you’re talking please? No, don’t make any sound.”
They’re giving them hazmat suits for protection. DID THEY LEARN NOTHING?
Are we done here?
I don’t normally do a post match analysis on a film – I’m usually eager to get to bed. However, I’m feeling a bit more lively right now.
There’s a craze these days for films that are intentionally bad. I avoid these. I don’t really see the point. If you’re doing something satirical, like Garth Marenghi, that’s fine, otherwise it’s some sort of deceit. You’re not laughing at them for making a bad film. They make a film with an objective – to make you watch it. And you have.
Saying that, however, this shit was made in earnest AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHY. I’m new to this, to searching the dark corners of TV – the channels dedicated to genre cinema and the wee hours schedules, so there’s bound to be more of this sort of thing. Maybe that’s it – they’re aimed at niche reviewers, but that’s a narrow market. Nobody is going to watch this and tell someone else they should. There’s no amusement to be had, just a load of tutting and sighing. So, if nobody is going to recommend it, and nobody is going to watch it more than once, how does it make any money? Weirdly, I feel angry at everyone involved. I’m not joking when I say don’t watch this.