The Legacy – A Drunken Review

Her bank account number is 129666. Seriously. Oh. I’m watching a 70s horror film.

Sam Elliott still had his moustache back then. I wonder if he’s had it uninterrupted for 39 years. I think he’s a flower arranger.

They’re buying oranges off Art Garfunkel.

“And Roger Daltrey as Clive”.

DP’s name is Dick Bush.

If I stop this film now, with the Kiki Dee soundtrack playing, it’s a lovely San Francisco romantic film with Katherine Ross and Sam Elliott’s moustache.

Apparently in 1970s England, there was no motorcycle theft, but there is tea, according to this chap who like he’d be in Tales of the Unexpected, or an Agatha Christie movie.

I think they had to take down the English Heritage signs to film this.

Sam Elliott’s moustache is bristling with jealous rage.

Having a bad leg is shorthand for being evil.

Helichopper! Must be Roger Daltrey. Must be Roger Daltrey. If I had a helichopper, I’d make the pilots dress as WW1 infantrymen too.

Roger Daltrey wasn’t on the helichopper. Henry Blofeld (not the cricket commentator) was though.

This ‘water too hot in the shower’ scene had more drama and threat than the motorcycle crash.

‘Mr.Mountolive’ is that a Noah’s Ark reference.

Javier Bardem’s dad just called the English ‘a primitive race’. Next time he does that, I’ll club him to death with a rock.

On the office wall, I think he had all the heraldic shields from Kingmaker.

The Legacy - Kingmaker boardgame
Family boardgame night for me back in the late 80s

People are acting suspiciously when they say Mr.Mountolive brought them.

They wouldn’t get planning permission for a pool like that in a stately home. I’m not sure the geometry of this house works in any way.

BUSTED! If you get caught by your girlfriend watching a woman in a pool, at least act guilty.

Roger Daltrey is now telling us ‘Who’ everyone is.

This Mountolive fellow has Hockney in his swimming pool.

The Legacy - Hockney
And you thought I was just a drunk who struggled to remember actors’ names he’d had a couple.

Medical science in 70s horror films always sounds terrifying.

Blofeld has a Windsor knot. There’s probably some semiology to tie knots.

The Legacy - Sam Elliott
Sam Elliott posing for the cover of his first album.

The police have been called. Stately home. A fortune to be made. Is it going to be Poirot, Miss Marple or the inspector from An Inspector Calls.

Jesus. Is this the late 1970s or the 1920s?

The true horror here is the American driving.

I thought you needed a biro to do a tracheotemy. He’d have survived if Sam Elliott hadn’t stayed here hand.

I can only assume the white cat wandering round is Blofeld’s. Hope he told someone to feed it… “Sometimes you burn the witch and sometimes the witch burns you.”

The Legacy - Big Lebowski Sam Elliott
The moustache, as bushy and proud as ever.

Is ‘Coral’ the usual pronounciation in the US?

The lesson here is here is, if you break down near a stately home, make sure you find the Kris knife.

The Legacy - House of Hell
Another 80s game geek reference. Lose one sanity.

Can Sam Elliott use his moustache like a batarang?

They’ve got to find Barbara. In other words… They’re coming to get you Barbara.

I recognise Javier Bardem’s dad from something. Probably Death on the Nile or something.

I remember hearing a barn owl once, on the way home from the pub. Those bastards sound scary.

Seriously, a shotgun at this range against a man in a body warmer?

The Legacy - Crossbow
I have no quarrel with you.

Backfiring shotgun through skylight into swimming pool.

The Legacy - Ian Gillan
It was Ian Gillan all along

Sam Elliott is breaking things for the sake of it now. Probably because he’s in this film.

Meet the new boss, same as the old boss (just because Clive died doesn’t mean I can’t make The Who jokes).

The Legacy - Half Life 2
We don’t go to Ravenshurst anymore.

01/09/2017 Review

There’s been no poll this week, as I’ve forgotten what’s on my planner. I know there’s some 70s British horror and some modern English horror, as well as a found footage horror and a film called Viking Quest, which I’m sure was the film Bunny out of Platoon was in in Entourage.

100 Million BC – A Drunken Review

I’ve heard about Asylum Films. Not complimentary things.

The opening credits are very confident. Very bombastic.

Resident Evil door sound!

OK Sergeant Wikipedia, you can shut up now.

Is this supposed to be in the past, or is he supposed to be 87? They’ve sent people back 70 million years? In a film called 100 Million Years BC?

Are you wearing your glasses or not? Make your mind up.

Corporal Moustache is confused. Colonel Smiley seems a bit embarrassed by the whole affair.

An advert there for a coffee machine with the strap line “Be Your Own Barista.” Is that like representing yourself?

We also have Private Tall and Private Pretty Boy. I bet Lieutenant Area Sales Manager will survive.

Private Pretty Big wasn’t first.

Wait. You know own that thing you said you needed to survive? Where is it?

Yeah, I bet you feel like dicks for laughing now, don’t you?

Oh, so it’s Petty Officer Pretty Boy.

Some of them have died. I’m not sure who and how many. They don’t seem to care, so why should I? Private Tall is dead and so is Lieutenant Area Sales Manager. Looks like a field promotion for Sergeant Wikipedia.

How long until we get a reference to some American sports team winning something?

I don’t think CGI like this has ever been seen as effective. CGI was meant to be an improvement on stop motion.

“What’s a Soviet?” Really?

Professor Not Hawkeye’s forehead has remarkably defined wrinkles.

When I wrote a short story about dinosaurs, I researched raptors. I was disappointed to find that they probably had feathers.

Was Sergeant Wikipedia going for a trophy by attempting to kill a pterodon with a a grenade?

You wanged a grenade at a flying dinosaur.

You took away 60 hours away from him? You’ve taken away hours from me.

Plus column – four people who would have possibly have died of natural causes rescued. Minus points, a scientist and most of s SEAL team lost, a T-Rex brought into the future

Day to Night
So that’s how they do Day to Night.

Leonard Cohen’s helicopter sees nothing.

Did thermal imaging exist in W2?

Yes… Circle strafe it. Worked against vores.

Quake Vore

How did they not break their ankles jumping about 20 feet out of a helichopper?

Those guys have really shiny helmets. Really shiny.

Isn’t that a Russian jet?

Not sure about the whole chain of command or lack of resources here.

Was that a WW2 bazooka firing fire like a flamethrower?

Wait. If I was under the impression that any of this should make any sense, I’ve screwed that into ball and drop kicked it into a river. I fully expect a Roman legion and some Daleks (English robots – ask your geek friends) to enter the fray.

Steven Moffat, what have you done to us?
A Dalek, tomorrow

Meant to ask earlier, but was there some caveman hairdresser who specialises in surf cuts?

Does a WW2 era half-track go in the plus column? Does it counteract the LAPD helicopter?

Sergeant Wikipedia totally got sidelined for the finale.

Is it true you’re not supposed to salute without a hat?

Benny Hill
An idiot, yesterday

OK. Dudes from the past then the past, staying in the present. What happens with jobs, housing etc? If you’re not on record (ie you don’t exist) how can you get by in the 21st century? Have they been through all that to become homeless?

Helicopter pilot – Astrum Helicopters? Does that mean self flying helicopters?

Who did the catering? I may choose films in the future by who did the catering. And they’re getting a mention on Twitter if I find out who they are.

Didn’t see any mention of catering. Rewinding to watch the credits again. Will never watch the film again. Don’t recommend you watch it. Not angry about this like I was with Crystal Skulls, as you could see the cast kind of cared about what they were doing. Music at the end is some horrid Rush type thing.

Slappa da bass

I can’t see who did the catering. Maybe everyone took packed lunches. Maybe everyone took packed lunches. Cheese and onion sandwiches, Viscount biscuit and Space Raiders.

Space Raiders