The Amazing Spider-Man 2 – A Drunken Review

I was going to review Tarkovsky’s Mirror, but, well, I’m not now. I’ve had Spider-Man 2 for years now, but not watched it. So, here goes.

Oh look! Bad science. Peter Parker’s mom was in Bruce Campbell vs. The Army of Darkness. His dad has a very serious voice. Mr (Professor?) Parker did a good job of pointing the Vaio logo at the camera then.

That bad guy looks like Paul Giamatti. I assume it’s not though. Would be his worst decision since The Lady in the Water (also Bob Balaban’s worst).

When you see someone cool, like Jamie Foxx being uncool, you know they’re going to be a superhero or a super-villain. Oh, wait, I just remembered which.

Hilarious. He has aSpider-Man ringtone. Oh, now he’s whistling it.

I bet whoever wrote Gwen Stacey’s speech was real proud. Sorry though, it’s c**p. That cop from Judgement Night is out to get him again. JUDGEMENT NIIIIGHHT!

So, Spider-Man lied to a dying man. Not cool, Spider-Man, not cool. I don’t think it was Paul Giamatti. It was his Soviet counterpart – Paul Giamatkov.

Do you think Peter Parker’s dad told him stories in that gravelly voice, or has he got a separate ‘dad’ voice?

The sandwich his aunt has looks nice. There was a whole thing about nice sandwiches in Homecoming. I like Andrew Garfield as Spider-Man, but Tom Holland has a brilliant youthful wonder about him.

The kid from Chronicle and the devious cardinal from The Borgias. Top actors, but destined not to go too far, it seems.And is that the guy from Adaptation? Last film I watched before Atticus was born. Also a good actor. Guy from Adaptation, not Atticus. Although who knows? Another Vaio logo pointed at the camera. Sony aren’t even trying to be subtle.

Obvious super-villain origin scene on the horizon. Why did they get rid of Norman Osborne before he even began though?

Felicity Jones. A couple of weeks ago, I watched her in A Monster Calls – She was outstanding.

Another Vaio logo. Does anyone know the percentage of laptops that are Vaio? Is it 100?

A villain/hero out of costume bonding session. I had something to say about those, but I forgot. Wasn’t positive.The out of costume meeting is amazing. Or ultimate.

Parker just mentioned Gwen rubbing her nose lots. Curious now – did she do it previously or was it written in just now? Will try and keep count.

Was that extra just totally ogling Emma Stone there (see trailer above)? She wasn’t doing anything and he was just staring. That whole freeze frame shot is too overused. The one where something is about to happen, the action freezes and the camera follows the electricity or spark or whatever. Hey look – Moz from the IT Crowd. That eye witness interviewer was rubbish. Was just used to explain a plot point.

What is this music? Matches the scene in no way whatsoever. What is the odds they’re signed to Sony?

That security guy is a cross between the guy from Muse, the guy from the Royal Tennenbaums and Eric Banna. He’s also shit at his job. He could have found that it was Gwen trying to find out stuff on PC (probably Vaio) and had her stopped at exit.

Dr. Kafka? They’ll probably put him on Trial. Jesus. This guy is really chewing the scenery.

There’s so much badly written human drama between the comic book adventure stuff, full of dialogue that is obviously intended for use in trailers (I wonder how prevalent that is in script writing now?) that you kind of turn off. Or I do. Maybe you don’t. Whoever you are. Also,no J.Jonah Jameson. I miss him. Maybe it’s because they couldn’t get J.K.Simmons. Whiplash is one of my favourite films ever.

Has Spider-Man found a cache of £2 coins? I dropped one on a minibus once.A friend picked it up, not knowing it was mine. He was a nice chap, so I didn’t say anything.

I’m glad Felicity Jones is doing well now. Half a dozen lines in a superhero film don’t do her justice.

Ooh. An abandoned subway station. Those things fascinate me.

Is this film going somewhere? When you cram multiple super-villains into a film, it’s often the case that their origin, rise and fall are rushed. If you have another arc too, it can only be more so.

Not a laptop, but a desktop, but the monitor is Sony. Spider-Man’s dad is worried that people will think he’s a monster. Does anyone know about him? If they did, surely Peter would get crap. Worried I won’t be able to read my writing when I type this up.

Just realised. Dr. Overacting is a follower of Brecht’s Verfremdumgseffekt. By acting badly and forcing the viewer to realise he’s experiencing a work of art and not a representation of reality, he’s freeing them up to engage more with the didactic elements of the film. Whatever they are.

Ooh. The Doc Ock harness. That’ll never be used, as the next film is a reboot (I know I said that about Apocalypse and was wrong, bu this time I’m right). Origin of a super-villain with about half an hour to go. Not just any super-villain either, but he Green Goblin (or the Hobgoblin. With Norman’s death, it’s a bit confused).

I prefer Electro in his  green and yellow.

The Judgement Night cop hasn’t been in for ages. Like they forgot about him. I’ve noticed one of the things that Homecoming does a lot better. In this, Peter Parker and Spider-Man have totally different personalities. In Homecoming, Spider-man has the same personality as Peter Parker.

Oh no. Incey Wincey Spider. That was just awful. Whoever wrote that was probably really proud of it too. Sorry. The franchise was already in trouble. You killed it

Oh, wait, Judgement Night cop is back (and yes, I know it’s Dennis Leary, although I nearly said Timothy).

Reckon next film they’d have gone for three villains. Vulture, Doc Ock and Venom. Or maybe Trapster, Batroc the Leaper and Shinobi. Hobgoblin looks rubbish.

Empty bottle, full glass.

Oh s**t. It was Paul Giamatti! He was brought in on the promise of a sequel. Maybe he’ll be in Deadpool as a keyring.

It’s OK film. We get it. You can end now.


Sony laptop.

Good job for Paul Giamatti that there wasn’t  a sequel.

Seriously film, stop.

Directed by Mark Webb? Seriously? Might change my name to Christian Neuromancer.

Hardy’s Classic Cabarnet Shiraz Merlot. About five quid.

Gwen didn’t touch her nose.

X-Men Apocalypse – A Drunken Film Review

Drunken review #4 X-Men Apocalypse (written as I go, which means more words and less coherence!)

OK, from the opening sequence and credits, if this isn’t a cross between X-Men, Stargate and Hudson Hawk, I’ll be disappointed.

No, wait, this underground cage fight thing. It’s like something from an 80s post apocalyptic film that would have a musician like Mick Jagger or Debbie Harry or someone.

Oh, hey cultists, if only you’d thought to leave the blanket off your pyramid hole, you could have had your God back. Good job Moira MacTaggert was there to do it for you.

This film feels like X-Men 3. Not sure why. Maybe it’s a palpable drop in quality. Maybe it’s that they’ve brought in big characters for what looks like the last film in a series – Beast in X-Men 3, Nightcrawler and Angel in this.

Ooh! It’s going to turn into a fish out of water comedy. “He was an Egyptian god, just trying to make it in the modern world.”

And thanks for telling us what Apocalypse means Professor Exposition.

Hey look! Richard O’Brien and Dave Hill!

Archangel’s CGI wings look awful. Michael Fassbinder is very, very good in this. That ‘joke’ about the third film being the worst? Maybe you should have left that out. That was your Gerald Ratner moment.

No! Only The Fall can use Symphony No.7 (trailer to feature below. I f***ing love that film).

I think they just massively overdid the Quicksilver thing, like a Peter Kay joke.

Watching superhero films is kind of like being a Wolves fan. Often, you watch more out of duty than enjoyment. This is Wolves Blackburn for the last two seasons.

Nightcrawler plays synth in a My Chemical Romance tribute band. They’re called My Comical Bromance, but only because it’s the first thing they thought of where the words sounded the same. He’s written his own stuff, but the other band members won’t play it. His mom doesn’t seem to recognise him. Shit! Was that Adam Richman?

Wine review. Either this is a low percentage wine, or my tolerance has increased.

As this is spoiler free… Based on other recent Marvel films, this bit is poor. And confused.

Is Cyclops baby Barry Pepper? Remember that awful Barry Pepper montage from We Were Soldiers? That and Battlefield Earth are his legacy, which is a shame, because he was good in Saving Private Ryan and at least one other film.

Beast looks like Teen Wolf!

Look out, Andrew Lloyd Webber! Those cargo containers look deadly. A big bridge. That’s why it felt like X-Men 3. That had a big bridge.

Hey look! A big X! For X-Men! And now they’re all using their powers in sequence! Go team!

Didn’t realise Moira MacTaggert was married to Bobby Cannavele. She’s an awful actor. Looks a bit like Gillian Anderson, bit if you watch American Gods, the difference in talebt is immense. The Station Agent is a great film. This isn’t. They’ve set things up for the next X-Men film. Which will probably be a reboot, so it won’t matter anyway. There’s been some great superhero films recently. Oh wait, I think we’re done. As I was saying, there’s been some great superhero films recently. One involving a character from this.

You want fame? Well fame costs

Yellowwood Cabaret Sauvignon. 12.5% (told you it was a bit weak). About six quid.


Okja – My first ever Drunken Review

Drunk film reviews #1 Okja is very good. Is Tilda Swinton hot? Not sure. It’s like she is, but tries really hard to hide it by playing grotesque caricatures. Wait, is that the guy from the film where Daniel Day Lewis has a moustache and shouts a lot? Had a beard. Think he was in a music a video I liked. If film makes me going back to being vegetarian after about 20 years, am I shallow, or is the film good? Is that the grandfather from The Host? Is this what it would look like if Disney realised that 90% of the world were self serving and not swayed by some misty eyed nonsense that love can change the world? Is there anything in the fridge that doesn’t need cooking and doesn’t have meat? Have I got another episode of Glow in me before I go to sleep? Do you have to cook lentils?