13 Eerie – A Drunken Review

“We prey for you” Seriously?

SOBER WARNING – There are spoilers.

A bottle of 19 Crimes and this one tastes even better for some reason.

Oh dear. That bird of prey screech at the end of the credits was just cheap. As is the opening sequence and the synth music. I recognise two people from this. In recent films on here that’s a lot. I know the girl from Ginger Snaps is one, and there’s a young fellow with a redneck beard I recognise.

Oh look! It’s John McEnroe.

The music is telling us to be afraid because there’s nothing else. Hey, wait! I recognise John McEnroe from somewhere.

Why do low budget films always film at angles?

Oh no! John McEnroe smoked a joint and all the equipment is broken. I guess the scriptwriter is trying to tell us something.

A reference for the old people out there
Just say no.

This set up – competition for places on a pathology course being contested for using real corpses on an island which housed a penitentiary, in which experiments took place. It’s a bit convoluted.

I think I recognise redneck beard from something I like.

Oh no. He’s smoking the drugs again. He’ll be listening to jazz records next.

Do actors in these films never question the script? In testing software, you do something called static testing. You go through the specification and look for problems before it goes further. Someone should have pointed out how stupid it was that the teacher just totally dismissed the idea of there being a rogue corpse. Then I wouldn’t have wasted time writing this paragraph.

The students already seem to be well versed in this sort of stuff.

John McEnroe is the only likeable character here. Plus I’m sure one of the students just said “dogshoot”. That dialogue was probably written by the writer who thinks marijuana is the root of all evil.

There was another guy in the movie, but he’s gone now.

This zombie is quite a dainty eater.

Mr.Redneck Beard seems like an unusually good actor compared to everyone else.

Roaring zombies. That’s unusual. They’re more like orcs.

I hope Professor Asshole gets bit.

I’m sure Professor Asshole was just wearing latex gloves to turn on the generator. Maybe that’s his ‘thing’ – he fears contact with the real world. Although he wasn’t wearing them after.

Oh, suddenly Professor Asshole gives a damn, and he has a gun.

These zombies seem to enjoy their work.

The gore in this is actually quite good. It’s just about everything else that’s the problem. Oooh. She’s using convoluted science to escape. Because she’s a student, see. She could have just legged it, but… SCIENCE!

She blinded me with science!
Beep bop boop

Director: Can you do some expressions?

Actress: What emotions?

Director: Is raised eyebrows an emotion?

Now John McEnroe’s gone, I don’t care who dies. We’re supposed to have wanted him dead, but he was a likeable idiot (they never said what his crime was. I’m guessing it was something petty).

I think we’re supposed to want the girl from Ginger Snaps to survive (who is probably too old to be a student). Instead of making her a likeable character, however, like most modern horror, they’ve just chosen an attractive actress. Physical beauty is shorthand for decency. Which is lazy. Who would you trust more? Melania Trump or Dot Cotton?

Ooh, I say

You know some of these films end with the protagonist (pretty white female) covered with blood and viscera, but surviving. Then they started killing them and it was like “Surprise! Nobody survived!” and we were shocked. Theoretically, as both kinds of ending exist, there is a better opportunity for suspense, yet, because the possibilities of who survives are narrow (ie Pretty White Female) it is necessary for that character to be likeable for that suspense to exist. Usually, they aren’t, so it’s a case of holding on to the slim hope that the character you at best like, or at least hate less, survives. Which they almost always fail to do.

Looks more like him when you're drunk.
This one’s for my dead homie John McEnroe

A shed. A van. An arrow. I’m hoping they’re going to A-Team their way out of there. Girl from Ginger Snaps’s beau reminds me of Crispin Glover. Have you ever seen his version of Ben? Well now you can.

There were just two pieces of really beautiful cinematography. Totally out of place. I can imagine a cameraman who had dreams of producing real art seeing an opportunity and taking it.

Ok. Fuck you. More characters were alive than I expected, but they finished on a comedy cliffhanger, utterly at odds with the tone of the film. I’m going to assume they all died and nobody cared.

Catering was by Meals for Reels. All caterers must have pun names. Like hairdressers (best one I’ve seen is Sherlock Combs) and chip shops (I always wanted to open a German themed one in southern England called Cod in Hemmel). They have a chef – Bev Dusel and a sous-chef – Tim Dusel. The term sous-chef always reminds me of Apocalypse Now. What’s the difference between Shaun Cadenne, credited as Dailies and Ward da Bussac (awesome name) credited as Daily? Surely the only difference between Daily and Dailies is one is plural?

Still pissed off that they didn’t finish the film. I’d made a whole point about who survives in horror films.

Wait. Special thanks… Bruce Willis?

Sober bit – Don’t forget, you can sign up to the mailing list and possibly win a copy of Hellraiser Revelations.

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