13 Eerie – A Drunken Review

“We prey for you” Seriously?

SOBER WARNING – There are spoilers.

A bottle of 19 Crimes and this one tastes even better for some reason.

Oh dear. That bird of prey screech at the end of the credits was just cheap. As is the opening sequence and the synth music. I recognise two people from this. In recent films on here that’s a lot. I know the girl from Ginger Snaps is one, and there’s a young fellow with a redneck beard I recognise.

Oh look! It’s John McEnroe.

The music is telling us to be afraid because there’s nothing else. Hey, wait! I recognise John McEnroe from somewhere.

Why do low budget films always film at angles?

Oh no! John McEnroe smoked a joint and all the equipment is broken. I guess the scriptwriter is trying to tell us something.

A reference for the old people out there
Just say no.

This set up – competition for places on a pathology course being contested for using real corpses on an island which housed a penitentiary, in which experiments took place. It’s a bit convoluted.

I think I recognise redneck beard from something I like.

Oh no. He’s smoking the drugs again. He’ll be listening to jazz records next.

Do actors in these films never question the script? In testing software, you do something called static testing. You go through the specification and look for problems before it goes further. Someone should have pointed out how stupid it was that the teacher just totally dismissed the idea of there being a rogue corpse. Then I wouldn’t have wasted time writing this paragraph.

The students already seem to be well versed in this sort of stuff.

John McEnroe is the only likeable character here. Plus I’m sure one of the students just said “dogshoot”. That dialogue was probably written by the writer who thinks marijuana is the root of all evil.

There was another guy in the movie, but he’s gone now.

This zombie is quite a dainty eater.

Mr.Redneck Beard seems like an unusually good actor compared to everyone else.

Roaring zombies. That’s unusual. They’re more like orcs.

I hope Professor Asshole gets bit.

I’m sure Professor Asshole was just wearing latex gloves to turn on the generator. Maybe that’s his ‘thing’ – he fears contact with the real world. Although he wasn’t wearing them after.

Oh, suddenly Professor Asshole gives a damn, and he has a gun.

These zombies seem to enjoy their work.

The gore in this is actually quite good. It’s just about everything else that’s the problem. Oooh. She’s using convoluted science to escape. Because she’s a student, see. She could have just legged it, but… SCIENCE!

She blinded me with science!
Beep bop boop

Director: Can you do some expressions?

Actress: What emotions?

Director: Is raised eyebrows an emotion?

Now John McEnroe’s gone, I don’t care who dies. We’re supposed to have wanted him dead, but he was a likeable idiot (they never said what his crime was. I’m guessing it was something petty).

I think we’re supposed to want the girl from Ginger Snaps to survive (who is probably too old to be a student). Instead of making her a likeable character, however, like most modern horror, they’ve just chosen an attractive actress. Physical beauty is shorthand for decency. Which is lazy. Who would you trust more? Melania Trump or Dot Cotton?

Ooh, I say

You know some of these films end with the protagonist (pretty white female) covered with blood and viscera, but surviving. Then they started killing them and it was like “Surprise! Nobody survived!” and we were shocked. Theoretically, as both kinds of ending exist, there is a better opportunity for suspense, yet, because the possibilities of who survives are narrow (ie Pretty White Female) it is necessary for that character to be likeable for that suspense to exist. Usually, they aren’t, so it’s a case of holding on to the slim hope that the character you at best like, or at least hate less, survives. Which they almost always fail to do.

Looks more like him when you're drunk.
This one’s for my dead homie John McEnroe

A shed. A van. An arrow. I’m hoping they’re going to A-Team their way out of there. Girl from Ginger Snaps’s beau reminds me of Crispin Glover. Have you ever seen his version of Ben? Well now you can.

There were just two pieces of really beautiful cinematography. Totally out of place. I can imagine a cameraman who had dreams of producing real art seeing an opportunity and taking it.

Ok. Fuck you. More characters were alive than I expected, but they finished on a comedy cliffhanger, utterly at odds with the tone of the film. I’m going to assume they all died and nobody cared.

Catering was by Meals for Reels. All caterers must have pun names. Like hairdressers (best one I’ve seen is Sherlock Combs) and chip shops (I always wanted to open a German themed one in southern England called Cod in Hemmel). They have a chef – Bev Dusel and a sous-chef – Tim Dusel. The term sous-chef always reminds me of Apocalypse Now. What’s the difference between Shaun Cadenne, credited as Dailies and Ward da Bussac (awesome name) credited as Daily? Surely the only difference between Daily and Dailies is one is plural?

Still pissed off that they didn’t finish the film. I’d made a whole point about who survives in horror films.

Wait. Special thanks… Bruce Willis?

Sober bit – Don’t forget, you can sign up to the mailing list and possibly win a copy of Hellraiser Revelations.

Troll 2 – A Drunken Review

The cork from tonight’s wine seemed kind of appropriate

I remember watching Troll with my uncle a long time ago. There was an apartment block. People got turned into pods. Plants spread through the building. A mushroom did a song. As did a troll. Troll 2, apparently has nothing to do with that. It’s a bit like Halloween 3 in that there’s a film that the studio wanted to use the success, or at least the name – I don’t know how well Troll did, to boost sales.

This is a nice wine. Banished, 19 Crimes 2016. Goes down very smoothly. Quite full bodied. Not too acid.

That was a sudden start. The narration here isn’t too accurate. Those goblins weren’t giggling. Also, they’re chasing this Oktoberfest dude to some sort of 80s TV car chase music. That woman (obviously a witch of some sort) has freckles that look like my mom put on me when I dressed as a schoolgirl once.

Grandpa hates goblins. You can see it. Hates. Goblins. And they still exist. I can actually testify to this as I’ve seen one on TV.

That green goop is almost the same colour as our living room walls. His mom looks like she’s the wife of a cult leader. She also acts as she’s hypnotized. Her description of grandfather’s death feels like a character outline. “We’ll be living life like peasants and farmers.” Hardly selling the holiday there. The quick scene in the daughter’s room looked like it was part of a public health video.

I’d understand a town being called Nilbog in Sweden, but it doesn’t sound very American. I may be wrong. The name of my home town (Cannock) has always sounded Scottish to me, but in actuality is named either after Dragon’s Quest II or a song by Labe Siffre.

Cannock Chase Castle
From Wikipedia – Cannock is a kingdom and one of the three kingdoms founded in Torland by the descendants of the Dragon Quest hero and Princess Gwaelin

“Michael? Who are the goblins?” Allow me to field that one. They’re a band that works with Dario Argento.

Wait. Can a girl really turn you homosexual by kicking you in the balls? Are house exchanges a thing? Also, if you’re sneaking your boyfriend into the room, try not to shout at each other.

Met Andy Robinson once. Nice bloke
Last time I heard someone demand kids start singing “Row your boat”

Wait. Has that kid got some kind of Dante’s Divine Comedy ‘Forest of Suicides’ thing going on?

If it is a farmer’s house they’re stopping at, do they have to tend cattle and shit?

Dad, I don’t think the country folk are impressed. Actually, is that part of the dad job description? To try and fool your kids into thinking you’re not as out of the water when in a foreign environment as they are? That’s why dads don’t see read maps, don’t ask for directions and attempt to speak the language or dialect – “Hey. If dad knows the score, we’re sound.” I know I’ve done it and I think I’ve seen my dad do it (sorry if I’ve broken some sort of dad pact).

I might pretend to be a kid’s dead grandfather and get him to do all sorts of weird shit. And nobody would eat food that colour. There’s something wrong with the kid when he thinks the only way to stop people eating is to stand on the table and

piss on the food.

The goblins look disinterested. Except for that one that looks like Theresa May when she’s asked a question she hasn’t given to the BBC beforehand.

Strong and  Stable

That spear seemed to travel a lot further than the distance between the goblins and Specco.

This church has a four poster bed and potion table in the main room.

Hey look! It’s the Troll Queen, whose support for votes on this site may have won it for Troll 2. Her acting kind of reminds me of Jeffrey Coombs. Campy and OTT, but fully aware of it.

Specco is talking about things in logical terms. Probably because he has glasses.

Now you know where it’s from

Forgot to mention, there was an Alan Moore Killing Joke Joker poster, so that was cool. Also, was the not eating stuff from the goblins based on the poem The Goblin Market by Christina Rossetti and the stories about how, if you ate food from the fairy world, you’d never leave it?

Holly’s dance there was a bit odd. Followed shortly after by what seemed to be a WWE style callout to her boyfriend.

Dead Grandad, are you just pretending to have got the wrong room, you dirty old bugger?

Even from beyond the grave grandfather hates his son in law. To be fair, he hasn’t done much to make the viewer like him.

Holly’s boyfriend is naked in bed with his friend. Maybe he was right about being kicked in the balls.

A green cheeseburger! Just like in The Adventure Game (a reference that only older Brits will get).

Dude. If you go back to your mates having only bought a carton of milk, they won’t be happy.

Milk was a bad choice

There’s a whole anti-vegetarianism thing going on here. Which I’d have been down with until I watched Okja. Now, I obviously find it highly offensive. Elliott was buttoning up there like he’d been caught en flagrante. Must have been that kick in the balls.

Not sure if the preacher is from a Godley and Creme tribute band, or is a WWE wrestler whose schtick is that he is a southern preacher. The sheriff is a fat Stan Lee.

Line of the film so far… “I don’t speak with people who arrive late and upset their girlfriends. You give me a bad impression.” Would not be out of place in Napoleon Dynamite.

The Queen’s house looks like a weird florist.

Specco seems more disappointed than scared.

Wait. Did Bonnie Prince Billie just dance past? Saw a film with him in once. It was odd. The dad is like me when I try to be a disciplinarian at home. My heart’s not in it and I’m trying really hard not to laugh. Like earlier when my son had seen an advert for a guide dog charity, decided he wanted a guide dog, so was pretending to be blind (he’s 4).

Oh. It’s Grandad Seth, not Death. Do ghosts usually have Molotov cocktails? I’d like to rewrite this as a story where a ghost grandfather appears to his grandson, but is basically an asshole who is trying to ruin his daughter’s marriage via his grandson. Did grandpa really put the extinguisher there so deadbeat dad could put out the preacher? It’s not like there was a danger of the fire spreading. Oh look, Bonnie Prince Billie again. The Letting Go is a fantastic album (which I also reference in my review of A Monster Calls)

The Goblin Queen has just gone from creepy school librarian to 80s soft rock ballad vixen.

“You need to eat the sandwiches, or we’ll kill you violently”. Is that how I can get my son to eat?

Wait. Is the cheesy music from the TV actually playing outside? Has the whole film just been a weird advert for sweet corn? If it is, it’s working. I fancy some corn on the cob.

How's Anne?
Has he just seen Agent Cooper and a dancing dwarf?

Whoever drew these prints with what appear to be Pilgrim Goblins, they’re pretty cool.

The afterlife Grandpa is in seems to be pretty mundane. I mean he’s in a cardigan and slacks and has a cheap looking shoulder bag.


Erm, a meat sandwich is hardly vegetarian Kryptonite. Like when right wing nutjobs put ham on mosque doors. Muslims can touch it. Hell, you’ve probably been served pork products by Muslims.

This drunken review has probably been the most political, despite Okja being the most political film I’ve watched since I started. Or maybe Nostalghia.

Anyway, I have to say, this film was made in earnest, it seems. It wasn’t a cynical cash grab, like Crystal Skulls appeared to be. That it was the apple that got his mom further ties it to the Goblin Market.

Is Troll 3 streaming anywhere?

The Banished 19 Crimes 2016 vintage, Asda, about £7. A very pleasant red.

Oh, another thought. If they’d have made it a family film, I think it would have worked better. There wasn’t actually much ‘adult’ stuff.

Deborah Reed’s blog