Don’t Kill It – A Drunken Review

Dolph Lundgren fighting a demon? I’m in…

Don't Kill It
Dolph Lundgren and ludicrous net gun

The world won’t miss this guy. I assume he named his dog Titus after Titus Bramble.

This is quite a brutal film. Doing that stupid thing where they add scream and stuff that aren’t affected by either environment or movement.

Dolph’s still got fine hair.

I think that’s the first time I’ve seen a vaping hero.

This music…

Don't Kill It
“First we take 100% American beef*, then we season it with our secret blend of herbs and spices.”
Corking Movies - Evil Lyn
Evil Lyn? Maybe I should do a review of Masters of the Universe soon

That priest is evil. Nailed on…

This film isn’t quite sure where it sits. Having Dolph Lundgren in it obviously says it’s an action film. However, the pace is more of a crime thriller, and its too open to be a horror film.

Why is Dolph a demon hunter? I can’t see it paying – he doesn’t seem well off. He doesn’t seem well off- he was quite casual about it. Ah. It’s a family thing. Like the Winchesters.

I reckon the first victim in Dolph’s description of the demons is the director.

When I said the film didn’t know where it sits, I think it’s more of a case of the writer/director not wanting to take the shackles off. Whilst there’s an argument for audiences wanting more sophistication and realism in their horror, I think there are times where you just need to scrap that and go for it.

Deer’s head on the wall? Can’t help but think of Deadly Premonition.

“Do you feel it, Zach? My numerous pints of Guinness warned me about it” (this isn’t the first Deadly Premonition reference on here, and it certainly won’t be the last)

Almost constant vaping. Its not as badass as a cigar.

Some nice gore. Now they’re having fun with the whole premise.

So. If the demon moves hosts to the person who killed it, what happens if it dies in an accident? Or of disease? Or old age?

Because the town’s called Chickory Creek, I now have Son of my Father or whatever it’s called stuck in my head

This scene needed a lot more gravity, or to be played entirely for laughs. As it is, it’ somewhere in the middle, which doesn’t work.

This FBI chap is a proper 80s action film douche-bag. If he was older, in his younger days he’d have played a preppy bully, picking on John Cuzack (where is he these days?), then he’d be, well, an FBI guy who gets in the way of the hero, or an EPA agent that frees all the ghosts.

“Yes it’s true. This man has no dick.”

I didn’t hate that. It wasn’t great and I wouldn’t recommend it. When it was fun, it was a lot of fun, but there was too little of that.

Sober edit – you know what? I would recommend it, because the fun bits are worth enduring the meandering bits.

*I was a bit worried doing an image search for “American beef”…

Crystal Skulls – A Drunken Review

It’s over 2 hours long. God help me.

This music is about 78% more dramatic than the action. The news footage is not from a known new channel. Obviously no clearance, Clarence. Is that one of those vodka bottles shaped like a skull?

One of the crystal skulls
£48. Not sure the budget would stretch to this.

A Bulgaria/Canada production?

I’ve heard of found footage, but this is a found dialogue script.

Heh. A hooded monk is talking, but his head is not moving and his voice is not muffled.

This guy has a fear of heights. I bet that doesn’t come up again.

The only thing that made me choose this over The Pyramid was that The Pyramid is found footage and that usually knocks a point or two off for me. It’s rarely done well, and it’s done so often.

Whoever designed this office is a big fan of Pokémon.

Why are there two dudes in hazmat shots in the middle of the room whilst everyone else is wandering around in normal clothes? The box was already opened by the cockney chap, and they’re opening it in the same room.

So, the Crystal Skulls did some hoodoo and only the guys in the hazmat suits died.

Crystal Skulls - A Drunken Review
Vienna? This means nothing to me.

Don’t go back in there. Two people in hazmat suits just died there. Maybe they didn’t want people to recognise them in this film?

Three news channel bits. Written and filmed by someone who has never seen the news.

I think the person who did this CGI also did Knightmare.

Crystal Skulls
Enter, stranger

Is that Andy Burnham?

Are films like this filmed as some sort of tax fiddle? Nobody watches them on purpose, as surely, other than family members and cynical drunks.

“I want to thank both of you for turning up to my brother’s funeral.”

There’s two identical headstones there. I assume one is their father’s, but it doesn’t seem to be aged. Unless he demanded in his will that his wife be killed and buried alongside him. No wonder she looks vaguely disappointed.

You know on comedy programmes where they do intentionally bad acting? Well this isn’t intentional.

Is this guy like the guy who played the Turkish lawyer in Midnight Express’s character in Last Crusade (he was also in Birds of a Feather)? Does he appear to be a violent fanatic, but is essentially trying to stop the 13th Crystal Skull from falling into the wrong hands?

Why are those journalists doing outside broadcasts from around the word about something on Vienna?

Wait, which one of you is the helicopter expert? You’ve both just explained how they work to each other.

American Army response – shoot the skulls.

The first of the three broadcasters paid the top tier on Kickstarter, I reckon.

Jesus. You’re old enough to be her dad.

Crystal Skulls - Harry Stewart
Harry Stewart is the only mysterious capitalist in a wheelchair for me.

They’re going to vapourise the skulls back to where they came from, apparently.

When they cast the professor, one vital question they didn’t ask was “can you move at more than a leisurely jog?”

The cockney gangster chap has the delivery of Richard Ayoade in Garth Marenghi’s Darkplace.

Darkplace

Is that a trabant? Probably doubled the budget.

I called it on the Last Crusade thing.

Oh fuck off.

I think I recognise this actor playing the dad. From the Vicar of Dibley or something. And he’s probably the one they used to impress the producers (I guess this is something that happens with low budget stuff – “Hey, we got the guy who played Dirty Den in EastEnders on board”).

“Can you pretend you’re talking please? No, don’t make any sound.”

They’re giving them hazmat suits for protection. DID THEY LEARN NOTHING?

Are we done here?

I don’t normally do a post match analysis on a film – I’m usually eager to get to bed. However, I’m feeling a bit more lively right now.

There’s a craze these days for films that are intentionally bad. I avoid these. I don’t really see the point. If you’re doing something satirical, like Garth Marenghi, that’s fine, otherwise it’s some sort of deceit. You’re not laughing at them for making a bad film. They make a film with an objective – to make you watch it. And you have.

Saying that, however, this shit was made in earnest AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHY. I’m new to this, to searching the dark corners of TV – the channels dedicated to genre cinema and the wee hours schedules, so there’s bound to be more of this sort of thing. Maybe that’s it – they’re aimed at niche reviewers, but that’s a narrow market. Nobody is going to watch this and tell someone else they should. There’s no amusement to be had, just a load of tutting and sighing. So, if nobody is going to recommend it, and nobody is going to watch it more than once, how does it make any money? Weirdly, I feel angry at everyone involved. I’m not joking when I say don’t watch this.

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