Left Behind – A Drunken Review

It’s the rapture! And Nicholas Cage has been… Left Behind. At least I had a bottle of wine to help me through my tribulations. Expect some drunken musing on all things cinematic and ecumenical.

Left Behind movie poster
Has Cage been airbrushed in?

It’s another Nick Cage special. Based on a badly written book about the end times. Did start reading it as a joke, but it was so badly written and offensive. Apparently, in the video game (yes…) there’s demons that come out of UN trucks. We’re in tinfoil hat territory here.

Left Behind Video Game
Left Behind – the video game.

I wish you were here to hear this music. And I was somewhere else. Wait. It’s part of a trilogy? Was there a reason that there were so many copies of the book Acts of God? Was it some sort of product placement?

The music. It’s infomercial material. Uh oh. Nicholas Cage took off his wedding ring. He’s a bad man.

You know that scene in one of the Modern Warfare games where you walk through the airport shooting civilians? I want that to happen to this airport.

Take that, Rayford Steel and Buck Williams.

Nicholas Cage’s daughter is an evangelical atheist. In about 10 minutes, she’s attacked some stranger about it and slagged off her own mother for being religious. I reckon she’ll come to see the light by the end of it. The writers think non believers are Bad People(tm). Now shes banging on about it to handsome investigative journalist man (it’s been  repeatedly pointed out  that’s what he is). The religious polemic is heavy handed as it gets. Captain Steel?

Random porter guy just rolled up and gave Captain Steel’s daughter two U2 tickets for her dad. Took him two weeks to find them. The people who write this stuff. They don’t actually experience real life, do they?

Now Investigative Journalist has walked into the aircraft cabin to hand Captain Steel the tickets. This is post 9-11.

His name isn’t just Captain Steel. It’s Captain Rayford Steel.

Angry midget is angry, Bad music is still playing. There’s so much badness going on, I’ve scarcely had chance to drink.

Mom just put her gloves on an obviously placed Bible. She’s religious, you see. She’ll be swept up in the Rapture.

Captain Rayford Steel is giving it the anti God stuff again. I’m an atheist,, but that’s just my thing. If people want to believe, that’s their thing.

That blocked road is the most blocked road ever. It’s about as subtle as the dialogue. Ironically it’s probably a metaphor that’s too subtle for me to get.

Stop it Rayford Steel. She’s young enough to be your daughter. And too young to be impressed by U2 tickets.

Remember in Steven Spielberg’s War of the Worlds where the heat rays left clothes behind? Well that’s what happens when people get Raptured. So what if the Steven Spielberg’s War of the Worlds aliens were just Rapturing people?

War of the Worlds Tripod
“Do not fear us. We are only trying to save your eternal souls.”

Muslim guy didn’t get Raptured. He just said “Alluha Akbar” when it happened.  I don’t think it;’s an expression of surprise.

I wonder if U2 were taken up in the Rapture? If so, those tickets were a waste of money.

There’s post rapture looting going on and some big bearded guy just legged it out with a whole load of dresses.

By the way, you know that thing about aeroplanes needing at least one atheist pilot in case of the rapture? Hopefully I don’t have to tell you it’s nonsense.

I love scenes where it sounds like everyone is screaming, but there’s nobody with their mouth open.

Captain Rayford Steel is trying to get his mobile to work in flight (it was already on and not in aeroplane mode) and is annoyed by the lack of signal.

A drug addict. Obviously not Raptured.

Guy was judgmental about midget’s gambling habit. So, basically, guy who cast first stone ascended (sober edit – I finally remembered what the real word was).

investigative journalist was speaking as if doing a report while taking stills pictures with a camera. He was broadcasting to no-one and he was not recording anything.

Both pilots on that plane ascended. Bad luck to the imperfect people on there. The whole Rapture thing was badly thought out. For many people there’s no opportunity for redemption. If God is real, there’s people who’ve not had the chance to find him, or have grown up in societies where another religion is predominant (and it’s seen as apostasy to teach any other kind of religion. There’s people who experience awful deprived lives. Should eternal damnation be warranted based on an accident of birth? Take the gambling midget in this. What if he started gambling (not exactly the worst sin) as a form of escape due to bullying and shit? The Muslim chap – if he was from Saudi Arabia, the opportunity to be ‘taught’ Christianity would be severely limited. Rich white Americans would be OK though. They’ve had easy lives. Their faith hasn’t been tested. I bet the writers of this would expect Trump and Pence to ascend.

“Mother, will Uncle Donald be coming to Heaven too?”

THAT DUDE SHOT A JUGGALO. It was a bit back, but I just remembered. He;d probably watched Batman and got confused. What about people like the Joker who are insane and do horrific things? If it’s like a chemical insanity, should they be punished? Some people’s brains are just wired wrong. The whole idea only those who are good and true going to heaven only works with a level playing field. You’re a parent. Your child is starving. You see a load of bread unguarded on a market stall. What do you do? If you are willing to risk your eternal soul to feed your child, that is about the most selfless thing you can do. But you are punished for it. At least with the Egyptian death myth, it’s about your moral balance.  If you have done what you believe to be right, you go on the up escalator.

Where did she get a gun?

I’m sure the Rapture, like this, isn’t actually in the Bible.

During the Tribulation, if someone shows themselves to be a True Believer, can they be plucked out? From what I’ve read, belief during the Tribulation will be so much harder than belief before it.

This feels like a pilot (ironically, Nicholas Cage doesn’t).

Ah. The gun belonged to an Air Marshall., to quote Nicholas Cage “The Air Marshall? I forgot about him.” The writers did too, it seems. It’s like they’d filmed the bits with the gun, then suddenly realised they hadn’t explained where it came from. Like a reverse Chekhov’s Revolver. We’ll call it Bay’s Automatic.

If the Rapture happened, I’d call round people I didn’t like (as I’m an atheist, I’d be stuck down here), and, if they answered, it’d be like “Get in.”

Victory baby
“So you’re stuck here too? Good.”

Also, if you lived and died pre-Rapture, and weren’t a True Believer, would that mean you went to Hell or Purgatory? At least if you were around when the Tribulation kick off, there’s some solid proof that there’s a God and stuff. Also, what happens if you lived and died BC? I imagine a lot of our readers won’t be religious sorts. I’d love someone who is to read this and answer my questions. Not in an “I’m Richard Dawkins and I want to tear down everything that helps you cope with life” kind of way, but with genuine interest. I’m not too proud to admit I’m wrong. At least I assume I’m not. Its just never happened yet.

More Heaven/Hell stuff. If you genuinely believed in Hell, you would not stop until everyone you cared about was converted, or you died trying. If you were to believe for a moment you had not done everything possible to convert people it would make you a terrible person (and I assume destine you for Hell). I once had a friend who was a Seventh Day Adventist. I asked him if he thought I was going to Hell. With a shrug of the shoulders he said “Yes”. Surely his lack of an attempt to save me was worse than if he’d seen me bleeding out at the side of the road? Also, if you believe in Hell, by having children, aren’t you at risk of creating a life that may end up in Hell? No matter how devout the parent, there’s always that risk (sober edit – I wrote a short story that touched on this that is published here – https://www.amazon.co.uk/Nightfalls-Notes-world-Thomas-Pluck-ebook/dp/B00AGCIO8C).

You know in Wayne’s World where they used stock footage to show the plane flying to the UK? This makes that look like Blade Runner 2049. I think, come the New Year, I’m going to buy, and watch, the other two films. And if I buy it, it means giveaway time.

Captain Rayford Steel’s daughter has cleared a path by the men at work signs. Turns out they weren’t a metaphor, just foreshadowing. I feel good for myself in that I didn’t fail to grasp a metaphor, but feel bad for the writers that even with my low opinion of them I still managed to overestimate them.

This film really doesn’t act as a debate about morality or belief or anything. It’s just a bad disaster movie.

One plus point. Nick Cage’s hairline is less ludicrous than Ghost Rider. Also, Evil Temptress Stewardess is remarkably attractive. I don’t care who did the catering. Everyone involved was either judgmental or greedy (both of which would possibly mean you get left behind).

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America 3000 – A Drunken Review

Murica!

The poster has a sort of monkey man, called Argh the Awful, holding a boom box and the Stars and Stripes. It’s by the Cannon Group. My wine is £4 a bottle. I don’t hold up much hope for this evening.

Wow. That’s some blurry text. So. 900 years ago the world was nuked. Now it’s ‘woggos’ which apparently means crazy.

900 years. I’m not sure how far back a nuclear war would set us, but I assume it wouldn’t be tobl anything near AD 0. Even if it set us back to something like the 10th Century, we’d have restored civilisation to the 19th Century or something. Unless, as the whole film is about a post nuclear society run by women and the writer has some mysoginistic message about women being unable to build a society. I doubt it though. It’s more that he has/had a sort of slave fantasy thing happening. The 80s guitar soundtrack is massively out of place. The voice over is in that weirdly weirdly chirpy comedic fashion that “A Boy and his Dog” has.

Future review, maybe? While since I saw it.

Apparently it “doesn’t take much to set the fraus off” (according to the narrator). This film wouldn’t pass the Bechdel test.

The women look like they are from G.L.O.W. Their acting is marginally worse.

Maybe that’s what the film needed – trash talking.

Sorry. It’s Argh the Terrible, not Argh the Awful (sober edit. It was Argh the Awful after all).

I’m sorry, this whole regressing back to the dark age (sober edit. Past the dark ages, way past) is bugging me. Society evolved once, it would again. Also the fact that 90% of the dialogue is narration, because the writer can’t show and has to tell and when there is dialogue, it’s in some pidgin English that you can’t understand, so the narrator has to translate.

Is this film the reason the right are so afraid of women? Apparently “seeding is a cold act”. Probably for the writer of this mess.

“Mother, I saw this film. The women ran the world. And there was a monkey thing. That can’t happen, can it mother?”

“Plugarts got negi smarts.” That’s the sort of dialogue I’m having to deal with, so you don’t have to. That example is pretty standard for this film. It’s not a case of generally it’s normal, but there’s the odd person who speaks slang. Also, why do the men and women share a dialect if they don’t exist together? And why is there a dead chap at the console of that bunker that is, it seems, bomb proof and there’s no sign of violence? And why is what appears to be a laser gun still charged? Surely, if it has some sort of battery, even unused, it would drain over 900 years? Is he going to find some Fancy Lad Snack Cakes?

“Best Before.” That’s just a recommendation, right?

The president’s bunker has an old arcade cabinet in it.

I hate when they use current guns and put bits on. Like he’s got a Steyr Aug with some lights on, and it’s supposed to be a laser gun.

There’s some Roman-esque old guy looking for young men and boys he refers to as ‘toys’. A little on the creepy side. The narrator has gone away, which is nice, but is done mean the main guy is speaking more. And there’s some horrible glockenspiel music.

They’re turning the freed “machos” (futurespeak for slaves) into men by dipping their heads in water (sober edit – I was going to say something about this being a baptism metaphor at the time, I think).

Corvus, known now as President (assumedly because of the amount of cheese in the film) rides in, blasting some 80s rock.

Murica!

Seriously, is this how the director sees sex?

What was that film – Beyond the Forbidden Zone? Starchaser or something? Watched it a few times. If there was a golden age of sci-fi, that and this were from its Bronze Age, that post Star Wars desperation to cash in.

Where is all the hair spray coming from? Who was the narrator talking to? He’s stepped down now – he’s just being Corvus’s best mate. Is the final scene going to be him speaking to a bunch of kids of both genders? Also, who raised Corvus and his pal? I don’t recall seeing any older chaps. This has a large cast.

I was about to ask how so many could allow such stupidity to happen

Oh. Not only does the President’s bunker have an arcade cabinet, it has a pinball table. Also, the President’s bunker looks like a cheap motel room. Where, it seems, he was expected to live. Forever.

I get the feeling that the writer and director was doing both at the same time.

In this, some men are kept around the women’s homes. They are emasculated and have their tongues cut out. I think that is supposed to be the writer’s take on espionage.

While men and women are dying, the president is enjoying himself in the bunker.

Guess it’s accurate after all

For a cheap wine, this was tolerable. Argh the Awful is sad. Therefore I am sad.

The creepy Romanesque guy was Israel’s first mime, apparently.

Wait. Men and women *can* live together? All it takes is for two hot people to make out in front of them? To be honest that just makes me uncomfortable. I’m kind of reminded of the book Venus in Furs, in which the message is that two people can’t have a relationship without there being a master and a servant. I recommend you read it. It’s writer gave rise to the word ‘masochism.’ The opposite term comes from the Marquis de Sade. I don’t recommend you read 100 Day of Sodom by him. Seriously. It’s a couple of hundred years old and I was unable to stomach it.

As I watched this on Netflix, I didn’t get to see who did the catering.

Children of the Corn – A Drunken Review

The preacher kid is as scary as he looks here. As in not at all.

Sober edit – There are spoilers. And I fell asleep part way through so reviewed it over two nights. The first half is particularly rambling. I don’t know why I wrote some of it, or whether it had any relevance.

OK. Got back. Couldn’t find my notepad. I’d bought a new one for this review. We’ll, this series of reviews. A Star Wars one. Hella cool.

Anyway, My Bloody Valentine and Children of the Corn were drawing, so I tossed a coin and Children of the Corn won. I may stay awake throughout.

What must Quentin Tarantino think of Harvey Keitel whoring out the Winston Wolf character?

I feel bad. I nuked the meal my partner left for me and it is lovely.

Oh. That’s achingly bad typography. First hurdle? Fallen. There are actually good child actors. There’s no excuse in throwing a bunch of kids at the screen.

Was this a TV movie? Again. That typeface. If I had a dinosaur based theme park, I’d consider it. Consider it.

Would you use a typeface like this for a film about a group of kids who form an evil religion?

Nebraska. That’s the size of an Aliens nuclear explosion.

This is not a happy couple.

That thing just happened.

I remember pulling up at a service station once. My brother was sick in an arc that missed our uncle (who introduced me to so much horror). This caused me to vomit. Again that missed our uncle. We defied geometry that day.

Are they newlyweds? If so, this will be a short marriage.

These two seen like they’ve been told by an overbearing director to pretend they’ve found a corpse, rather than being allowed to act naturally.

Is this the 70s? Did he just say he’d given her an order? Us white males are trying to shake of this whole patriarchal thing and you’ve just thrown is back in. We’re not all misogynistic, racist, homophobic idiots, that’s just an echo of who got elected.

I think my new notepad may be in the bag of Halloween stuff I bought for Halloween. I’m torn between looking for it and praying that this one lasts long enough.

Someone’s hidden the film.

This dude reminds me of Henry Rollins.

This film reminds me of sitting an exam and finishing it because it was so easy and you had an hour to waste counting ceiling tiles.

Nothing has happened in this film so far.

I fell asleep during the review. I’m afraid that I was very, very drunk.

Right. I was way too drunk last night and fell asleep. I’m less drunk now, so will pick up from where I got to. Just trying to find where I got to… Feels like I had been watching for five or six hours, but apparently it’s not that long.

Oh. Twenty minutes. I’d watched twenty minutes.

Just read through last night’s ramblings. I really was hammered. A mix of Guinness and red wine (purchased in a football ground, so of dubious quality) did for me.

That kid ranting on the radio grew up to be Steve Bannon.

It’s got the hair and everything.

‘My name is Strontium.”

I think that’s what he said, anyway.

So it is the 70s. I thought the chap just liked vintage cars. His misogyny is just “normal” for the time he’s from.

So they’re not newlyweds. It’s their second honeymoon. I think they’re doing it to try and get their marriage back on track.

There’s nothing happening in this other than melodrama and horror-synth.

Children being shot? That’s not something we usually see on screen.

Scary. What he thought were mannequins turned out to be child actors.

I remember when my son’s two cousins came to our house. They and my son jumped on top of me. I was buried. I said “help me”. None of the adults heard, but the kids started repeating “help me.” That was very much like this film. The kid who is the leader of the kids is so uncharismatic.

He just snapped the neck of what appeared to be a six year old.

Where the hell did a baby come from? None of the girls looks old enough. Unless they kill kids who do get to child bearing age after they’ve had children.

Troll 2 had a strong anti corn message too.

OK, so they have conception ceremonies and all the children watch. Should have called it Children of the Porn.

When he was in Vietnam, was he a kernel?

Tikki Torches?

Surely the credits should be rolling by now.

Not only did they have catering by two companies – Maitre D’Ames and Bridges Catering, Accomodation was provided by the Lodge Hotel.

Part one.
Guinness – Royal Oak, Cannock, Molineux,Royal Oak again – various prices
Unidentified red wine – Molineux. £4.20

Part two.
Buckfast – Scotland. Don’t know.