13 Eerie – A Drunken Review

“We prey for you” Seriously?

SOBER WARNING – There are spoilers.

A bottle of 19 Crimes and this one tastes even better for some reason.

Oh dear. That bird of prey screech at the end of the credits was just cheap. As is the opening sequence and the synth music. I recognise two people from this. In recent films on here that’s a lot. I know the girl from Ginger Snaps is one, and there’s a young fellow with a redneck beard I recognise.

Oh look! It’s John McEnroe.

The music is telling us to be afraid because there’s nothing else. Hey, wait! I recognise John McEnroe from somewhere.

Why do low budget films always film at angles?

Oh no! John McEnroe smoked a joint and all the equipment is broken. I guess the scriptwriter is trying to tell us something.

A reference for the old people out there
Just say no.

This set up – competition for places on a pathology course being contested for using real corpses on an island which housed a penitentiary, in which experiments took place. It’s a bit convoluted.

I think I recognise redneck beard from something I like.

Oh no. He’s smoking the drugs again. He’ll be listening to jazz records next.

Do actors in these films never question the script? In testing software, you do something called static testing. You go through the specification and look for problems before it goes further. Someone should have pointed out how stupid it was that the teacher just totally dismissed the idea of there being a rogue corpse. Then I wouldn’t have wasted time writing this paragraph.

The students already seem to be well versed in this sort of stuff.

John McEnroe is the only likeable character here. Plus I’m sure one of the students just said “dogshoot”. That dialogue was probably written by the writer who thinks marijuana is the root of all evil.

There was another guy in the movie, but he’s gone now.

This zombie is quite a dainty eater.

Mr.Redneck Beard seems like an unusually good actor compared to everyone else.

Roaring zombies. That’s unusual. They’re more like orcs.

I hope Professor Asshole gets bit.

I’m sure Professor Asshole was just wearing latex gloves to turn on the generator. Maybe that’s his ‘thing’ – he fears contact with the real world. Although he wasn’t wearing them after.

Oh, suddenly Professor Asshole gives a damn, and he has a gun.

These zombies seem to enjoy their work.

The gore in this is actually quite good. It’s just about everything else that’s the problem. Oooh. She’s using convoluted science to escape. Because she’s a student, see. She could have just legged it, but… SCIENCE!

She blinded me with science!
Beep bop boop

Director: Can you do some expressions?

Actress: What emotions?

Director: Is raised eyebrows an emotion?

Now John McEnroe’s gone, I don’t care who dies. We’re supposed to have wanted him dead, but he was a likeable idiot (they never said what his crime was. I’m guessing it was something petty).

I think we’re supposed to want the girl from Ginger Snaps to survive (who is probably too old to be a student). Instead of making her a likeable character, however, like most modern horror, they’ve just chosen an attractive actress. Physical beauty is shorthand for decency. Which is lazy. Who would you trust more? Melania Trump or Dot Cotton?

Ooh, I say

You know some of these films end with the protagonist (pretty white female) covered with blood and viscera, but surviving. Then they started killing them and it was like “Surprise! Nobody survived!” and we were shocked. Theoretically, as both kinds of ending exist, there is a better opportunity for suspense, yet, because the possibilities of who survives are narrow (ie Pretty White Female) it is necessary for that character to be likeable for that suspense to exist. Usually, they aren’t, so it’s a case of holding on to the slim hope that the character you at best like, or at least hate less, survives. Which they almost always fail to do.

Looks more like him when you're drunk.
This one’s for my dead homie John McEnroe

A shed. A van. An arrow. I’m hoping they’re going to A-Team their way out of there. Girl from Ginger Snaps’s beau reminds me of Crispin Glover. Have you ever seen his version of Ben? Well now you can.

There were just two pieces of really beautiful cinematography. Totally out of place. I can imagine a cameraman who had dreams of producing real art seeing an opportunity and taking it.

Ok. Fuck you. More characters were alive than I expected, but they finished on a comedy cliffhanger, utterly at odds with the tone of the film. I’m going to assume they all died and nobody cared.

Catering was by Meals for Reels. All caterers must have pun names. Like hairdressers (best one I’ve seen is Sherlock Combs) and chip shops (I always wanted to open a German themed one in southern England called Cod in Hemmel). They have a chef – Bev Dusel and a sous-chef – Tim Dusel. The term sous-chef always reminds me of Apocalypse Now. What’s the difference between Shaun Cadenne, credited as Dailies and Ward da Bussac (awesome name) credited as Daily? Surely the only difference between Daily and Dailies is one is plural?

Still pissed off that they didn’t finish the film. I’d made a whole point about who survives in horror films.

Wait. Special thanks… Bruce Willis?

Ghost Storm – A Drunken Review

Ghost Storm. Sounds like an old Spectrum game. Probably had an exciting cover with a bunch of skulls flying all over, but was actually some dull Attic Attack rip off by a games company that only made one game (and was probably only one person). So yeah. Thanks. Tonight I’m watching a PG ghost film called Ghost Storm.

Ghost Storm - Attic Attack
Attic Attack

This wine is awful, too.

First fake scare. So telegraphed I saw it last week.

A lightning bolt just hit a tomb. How unlucky.

Ghost Storm - Altered Beast
Rise from your grave!

Seriously, this wine is not good. I’m worried this’ll end up a sober review.

The priest looks like he’s wearing makeup to make him look old. But I don’t think it is makeup.

You honestly think kids dug up a corpse as a prank? Yeah, I was 17 once too. I wouldn’t dream of digging up a corpse.

“I’ll speak my line.”

“Now I’ll speak mine.”

“Now me again.”

“Just like real people don’t.”

So. Lightning hits a crypt where a mad priest did a suicide cult thing, so a crap CGI cloud killed a kid who is now appearing on his girlfriend’s phone…

Deputy just said the father of the deceased had arrived and “Is pretty upset.” Yeah. I think I know why.

The ghost smoke is actually a decent effect for a film of this sort of budget. It couldn’t overrun Deputy Dot Cotton though.

Ghost Storm - Dot Cotton
Ooh, I say

That guy at the weather station was working when Mrs. Sheriff’s Wife left at night and was still there in the morning.

Something supernatural *is* happening. Woman walking toward shot from one angle, but disappeared when shot changed.

It’s OK. The Winchester Boys are here.

Ghost Storm - Winchesters
“I’m Detective Simmons and this is my partner Detective Criss.”

That’s the biggest Ghost Storm I’ve ever seen.

Ooooh. It’s ex Mrs. Sheriff’s Wife. I was thinking, the other day, if you divorce and re-marry, are you still a divorcee? If you are widowed and re-marry are you still a widower?

That ghostly TV thing was actually pretty cool.

My grandad had a boat like that. He lived in Ashmore Park. I don’t think it ever got wet unless it rained.

Is that blokey from Battlestar Galactica? He has a PKE meter, too. It says on it. They must be commercially available now. I hope Spengler patented it.

It’s that whole ‘scepticism in the face of everything’ thing again.

Suicide victims? Is that a thing? A victim of depression, of circumstance, yes, but not sure you can be a victim of suicide.

If it wasn’t for the Ghost Storm, I’d like to go camping there.

That was like when the spirits went through all the Nazis (how are Nazis still a thing?) in Raiders of the Lost Ark, only it was 2 firemen and a cloud.

I miss using those library index card boxes. I might buy some to catalogue my neuroses.

Ghost Storm - Index Box
“You’ll find it under I for impostor syndrome.”

Stop with the camera angles. And camera wobble.

We’ll done on correcting your dad there. Killed is a bit different to hurt.

Ooh. The town emergency button. I bet every Sheriff dreams of pressing that.

You eeediot!

Mrs. Ex-Sheriffs-Wife hair is perfect. I mean it’s like she’s just got out of the salon, given it a little bounce with her hand and that’s it.

Heh. Sheriff just ran into a bar and told them to seal it up and not leave. You wouldn’t have to tell me twice.

That smoke. It’s vaping hipsters, isn’t it?

“As you asked, it’s juniper and Mongolian cha cha bean flavour.” “But I didn’t…”

To be fair, I’ve watched worse films with bigger budgets (I assume). Like Venom, I think it was called. That probably had much more money and more time to work on a script etc, but was worse. I’m not saying this is a good film, bit it has more of an excuse and you get the feeling people have tried, rather than gone “Oh, sod it, that’ll do.” I think I’m finding, with bad and low budget films, you can almost tell when the filmmakers are earnest and giving it their best to make something entertaining, and when there’s a more cynical ‘get it out there and onto the next’ one.

I thought weather station guy might be a bit more involved, but either he’s happily sitting in his station, or he died whilst I was writing.

There he is. Always happens (see Spiderman – A Drunken Review)

Wait, if you shoot a pistol in a church, will it depressurise?

This wine improves with drinking.

A Dell PC that old deserves to get (I can’t actually read my note here. It says killed, or fitted, I think)  with ghost smoke.

Is Jitted a word?

How long would it take to seal every place smoke could get into a building? And once you had, how long before you suffocate? Asking for a friend.

Seriously. The camera angles. Not needed.

Bloke from Battlestar Galactica slept on his arm.

If he had any fantasies about a night with Dot Cotton…

I may have misheard, but I think he said something about a cult of Holland and Barrett.

In a crisis, can people deal with a death so readily? If any of my colleagues died, I’d be gutted. I’d struggle to continue until I’d processed the grief, but in films, people just get on and do heroic shit.

You know own what killed this film now? Pseudoscience. I mean, I know the supernatural is not supposed to happen, but it does happen. Seriously, though, I think too many supernatural films with zombies, vampires, ghosts etc are too afraid to say “The world has zombiedraculaghosts. Deal with it.” and they have to bring science in. The audience is willing to say, for the duration of horror films, Brian Cox, bugger off for a bit. I bet you, if Brian Cox watches supernatural films, he would rather any idea of real world science were thrown out of the window than some weird hybrid made to fit around the narrative.

Cast list. Volunteer – Eduardo Meneses. That is nearly the coolest name ever. Catering was by Rolling Chef. The chef was Michael Zwart. That’s right. The Michael Zwart who did catering on Space Buddies.

Dory Vanderkuip did both craft services and first aid. Hopefully she did more of the former than the latter. I’ll try and find out.

People that also suffered this film

Stupid Blue Planet

International Syndicate of Cult Film Critics