Lifeforce – A Half Drunk/Half Hungover Review

I’ve heard Lifeforce is bad. But I’m drunk. So, in honour of the late, great Tobe Hooper, I’m watching it.

Ooh. The Canon Group. I’ve always liked their logo. It kind of sticks together. Dykstra? Don’t trust him.

Lifeforce - Dykstra
When I’m able to make use of someone, I always do. It’s convenient.

Henry Mancini? He’s a top cat.

Screenplay based on the novel ‘Space Vampires’. Sounds erm… The screenplay is by Dan O’Bannon though, and didn’t he do Alien? Opening music is very bombastic, but in a documentary kind of way.

Menahem Golan. Bet they never reached these heights again.

Why did the narrator say ‘rendezvous’ like that?

They’ve sent the Angel of the North into space.

Lifeforce - The Angel of the North
The Angel of the North

There’s obviously some budget gone into this.

SPACE FRIENDS ASSEMBLE!

So… If Dan O’Bannon wrote this and Alien, did he ever sue himself for plagiarism?

ACTUAL SPACE VAMPIRES. I didn’t expect that, just some crappy effects.

When people say ‘dessicated’, I always think of coconut mushrooms. In a small white paper bag.

This opening bit is sort of on the edge of being momentous. It’s like the script is there and the effects are there, but, well, it’s not quite there.

“A nude chick you say? I’ll be right there,” says Captain Kansas.

Hula girls?

That guy looks like the guy who looks like Gaff in Blade Runner.

“Houston, we have a problem.” I bet they HATE it when people say that.

Hey. Wait. This is like the Russian ship in Dracula. I’ll try to remember its name.

There’s a lot of tweed in this scene.

Heh. Old BBC news. Before all the bombast.

It wasn’t the Lucitania, was it? I can’t check as I’m watching the film on my phone. Ruritania? I think that’s something else though. Was the Lucitania the ship that got sunk in WW1?

There’s a lot of doors between him and scientist being killed by naked vampire lady.

“We need more doors.”

Lifeforce - Tarkovsky doors
Tarkovsky was a big fan of doors

I think in this, the SAS are seen as being like the Gestapo.

I fell asleep, so drunk review becomes hungover review.

Is scientist guy Renfield?

Surely the SAS aren’t used as detectives. Even space detectives. Wouldn’t this be an MI5 sort of job?

Again there’s a lot of doors.

They’re jiggling their guns, but there’s no flame coming out.

I miss practical monster effects.

Beats CGI all ends up

He looks proud of himself for having killed someone.

These two voyeurs seem quite unashamed.

Had the Home Secretary just come from compering a comedy club?

Shouldn’t they be feeding them animals or something? That way they could interrogate them. Why did the originals look like humans anyway?

They’ve found Jared Leto in a space capsule.

Lifeforce - Jared Leto
“So, you’ve been stuck in a capsule for three months. Is it preparation for a role?”
“No, it was Batman fans who were worried I’d be in the Joker origin film.”

Even sober, I can’t remember the ship that Dracula came over in. I’m fairly confident it was the Ruritania. How come lady vampire’s boobs are now covered by a metal band on the sarcophagus? The film wasn’t so could earlier. Was the actress paid by the boob minute.

So he’s burning his ship and escaping in an escape pod to end the thread. Was Alien Dan O’Bannon’s attempt to correct the mistakes he made in this film?

Mr.Scientist, will you please sort your tie out?

Has the vampire lady changed body because the one who looks like she should be on a Roxy Music cover is a model rather than an actor and they need someone who can act a bit more now?

Lifeforce - Roxy Music
“So turn the lights down low”

ENGAGE!

Vampire nurse has Bowie posters. She can’t be all that bad. Colonel Kane of the SAS rocks. Not sure where I recognise him from though. The Professionals? Something like that.

“Not at all. I’m a natural voyeur.”

The Home Secretary is a creepy fellow. Why is he going round with them anyway? Shouldn’t it be the scientists instead?

Patrick Stewart screams well.

Ah, so that’s why the aliens looked human. They can shapeshift.

Sir Patrick Stewart looks vaguely unimpressed by the way they’re shaking him about.

Old scientist is Van Helsing.

Lifeforce - London
Panic on the streets of London

When Dracula wanted to secure an estate in London, he didn’t mean an Escort (how’s that for Carfax?).

Is that the church where Damien’s dad died in The Omen? There should be more good horror like that. Why can’t they make any? Get Out was good, but that seems to be an exception.

Was that Alan Moore zombiedracula?

Alan Moore as a zombiedracula (seriously though, read Trifecta)

Ha! A Prefab Sprout poster! Was that an early example of product placing – he stood so that the Interflora logo wasn’t obscured.

Colonel Caine of the SAS should get his own film franchise. Or been in Doctor Who or something.

To be fair, I don’t have much of a problem with just London being obliterated- Victoria Station is a nightmare.

Guinness. 4.3%. The Emerald Club, The Molineux, The Emerald Club, The Royal Oak. £various.