Independence Day-saster

Come on. You have to love the name. It sounds like someone with a Black Country accent.

Lots of flags here. England’s celebration of when we all packed up and came home. I’d have thought SETI would be a bit more impressive. Wait. That’s the host from Jurassic Games. His name is Chuck Mannington in this and his friend is Beef Rockfist (or at least I’ve decided they are).

I’m sure I’ve seen that president, but with a beard.


I hope it’s the camera shaking. I’ve hardly touched this wine.

Oh. Oh. This is a nice red.

The president has obviously seen the beginning of Earth vs the Flying Saucers and is being cautious.

Wait. Did Beef Rockfist just get blatted while I was writing? Never got to find out his real name.

I thought the Secret Services guy was going to reel off cities from the song Pop Music then.

“New York, London, Paris, Munich”

If the Hollow Earthers’ were to drill down to try and prove their theories right, it’d be terrible if the Flat Earthers’ ones were.

Did you know the Secret Service was originally set up as an anti-counterfeiting agency? Corking Movies is ED-U-CATIONAL, Yo!

These low budget movies always have a very similar family thing going on. I’d like to see a big budget sci-fi do something similar. Signs almost did it – the whole idea of ordinary people who aren’t directly involved in, but are victims of, extraordinary events.

The British PM is missing? She’s just a placeholder until the clouds from Brexit settle. The next PM will either ride in and take credit for the success, or come in and blame her if it’s all gone wrong. Win-win.

I don’t believe there’s not a way for the President to contact the military. Doesn’t he have GoToMyPC set up or anything?

Apparently the ALIUMS are here because they left their phone on or something.

“We have visual.” You saw them about 5 minutes ago.

The President would not give tactical decisions like that. It would not be down to him to tell withdraw.

Gotta love hacking in films. Lots of text scrolling, keys being mashed, but no actual interaction. (I think this may have been what they used).

I hope there’s a BIG SPEECH(tm) in this. Does anyone else think the one in Independence Day isn’t actually very good? A big deal is made of it, but it’s not all that. Charlie Chaplin in the Great Dictator, however…

This is a bit like when they used Slim Whitman (I initially wrote Walt Whitman, which would have been awesome – using poetry to kill aliums would totally be my thing) in Mars Attacks.

Mars Attacks
All dark is the suede that mows like a harvest.

The hamsters are restless again.

Woah. That was a sudden meltdown. Girls are so prone to hysteria. Good job there was a man on hand then. God. Just realised. Everyone in this film is white. I was thinking about how it was being a bit chauvinistic there, then it hit me. I suppose only white people could save America on the 4th of July.


Is there a name for the alium tech/earth tech compatibility trope? (Sober edit – there is.

We’re being terraformed!

Wait. Is that what the right are doing? Rising temperatures, increasing carbon monoxide levels?

Alex Jones
Hyper capitalism is a precursor to alien invasion!

There don’t seem to be enough people around to make a decision of this magnitude.

That progress bar was just called “Progress Bar”

In all these things where the President is some sort of action hero. I can only remember one actual president with the physique, and, going by my earlier observations, he wouldn’t be in this (and I think, in my lifetime, it’s been Reagan, Bush, Clinton, Bush, Obama, Disaster).

Could they really launch an ICBM into space? Didn’t they try it in Independence Day?

I hope the pure white cast is accidental rather than intentional.

Yeah, dude, you just met her. That was a “love of my life” slow mo.

Ooh. BIG SPEECH(tm). And it’s bollocks.

It’s a shame that kid died and nobody cared.

Oh. A Presidential BIG SPEECH(tm). Seriously, if you make films, you’ll know someone who can write a bit, or at least look at what’s been done and make suggestions.

The alium spaceships. They’re Viennese Whirls. Always seem like the blandest biscuit with a lovely filling.

There’s three of them, approaching from the east…

Wow. Someone just used the magic selection tool there.

Catering was by Rolling Chef.


Party Bus To Hell – A Drunken Review

Party Bus to Hell Poster
Party Bus to Hell Poster

Well that was a mental evening’s football. 2 injury time penalties missed. Don’t think I’ve ever seen it. Last week we won with nine players on the pitch. Anyway, it’s time for Party Bus to Hell, which is due for DVD/Blu-ray release next Friday (13th April).

(Sober edit – there may be minor spoilers ahead. I only remember a night of violence and nudity).

Quick Slash, get out of there!

“Everything you say, they’ll turn against you.” I’ve been in relationships like that.

“I hate mummies.” Obviously seen the film with Tom Cruise.

I think the bus driver… I did NOT expect that. I’ve actually thought that a few times. It’s just the first time I wrote it.

OK. Regular readers will know I often get annoyed by the fact that a lot of horror films have casts where you don’t care if they live or die. This film deals with that in an interesting way. I think you’re actually encouraged to want them to die. Which they do, in droves, creatively, shockingly and violently.

Stop! Hammer time!

MC Hammer
He’s so proud of that phone.

OK. I think the biggest jerk is going to end up being the hero of the film.

Stock female scream. Every group violence scene. It’s the female Wilhelm Scream. The Wilhelmina scream?

The biggest jerk kind of reminds me of Dave Gahan (legend).

Dave Gahan
Enjoy the Violence

“Dead. It’s a side effect of being murdered.”

I was about to say that something about this reminded me of House of 1000 Corpses. Then, the evil priest dude takes off his mask and he looks like Sid Haig. I might go for an upside down head soon, but my beard’s going in a couple of weeks.

At least the psycho monk dude is friendly.

If I had to rely on the contents of my backpack to survive, I think I’d be in trouble. Some biros, a notepad and a 2000 AD trade hardback. Oh, and a big rubber band ball.

Backpack contents
Yeah. I don’t think I’m going to be fighting evil with that lot. Unless I can launch a biro into someone’s eye with an elastic band.

The bus driver is awesome. Her and the girl with the cyberpunk headgear are the most engaging. And the venture capitalist chap.

There’s lots of bits that are making me laugh here, but I’ll let you see them yourself.

My brother once found a scorpion in his bed on holiday. No. My brother was on holiday.

I hope it’s got that annoying whistling stuck in your head too

Now if the chosen one is supposed to be a virgin and there’s one virgin on the bus. Not sure I like the morality of this.

Again. I didn’t expect that.

I’m not sure this’ll go down too well at the church cinema group. A lot of sex and violence. I think the sex sort of took over the film for a bit, whereas I’d mainly come for the violence.

Nice 80s style monster effects. Think The Howling.

I was expecting something to happen similar to a scene in this…

Ghoulies 2
Maybe I should rewatch this as a drunken review

I called that wrong.

One of the few days I didn’t go on the bus with the lads for the football (I was in the International Lounge, seeing how the other half live), they lost the deposit because someone was sick. I think this lot might lose theirs.

I’m not sure how the opening ties in with the rest of the film.

Is that Bono? OK. For a brief moment from the back. I think I recognise this dude.

For a moment, I thought she was going to magic Love Shack onto the radio. If I was a demon, I think that’d be my power.

The B52s
“Tremble, mortals”

Ok. Who did the catering?

I enjoyed that. Some very funny stuff and some lovely gore. One for lovers of gratuitous sex and violence.

Tom Cruise’s Mummy – A Drunken Review

The Mummy – A Drunken Review

Corking Movies - The Dummy
The Mummy Official Poster

I suppose it’s testament to Tom Cruise’s saleability, and, I have to admit, his on screen charisma, that even being linked to a movement that has some negative press in the way Scientology has, his box office pull has barely dipped.

Ooh! Dark Universe. Is that still going to be a thing?

The Brendan Fraser Mummy films weren’t great. They were an Indiana Jones/Romancing the Stone crossover sort of thing. They were, however, very enjoyable.  It’s a formula that should be fairly easy to get right. I say should, because reviews have not been great. We’ll see though.

I’m guessing the Russell Crowe character is like the Mia of Keague of Extraordinary Gentlemen. Or its Nick Fury.

If ever they do a Slaine film, the guys who did the demon there to do the Horned God.

They keep referring to someone called Henry, who is, I gather, an archeologist.

Corking Movies - The Mummy
There’s only one Henry

Courtney Vance is like a young Ernie Hudson. I met Ernie Hudson once.  Nice chap.

One of the problems with Tom Cruise playing the slightly inept hero (like Indiana Jones, Han Solo or Nathan Drake) is that he’s spent so long perfecting serious that either it’s too ingrained in him, or it’s too ingrained in me, so it feels false.

I was going to say something about the pretty English professor being a stereotype of the genre, but I think with a genre film like this, it’s perfectly fine, expected, even.

When Cruise does his comedy gurning, it’s too much like when De Niro does. Just Wrong. Like I said, they spent too long being cool, being larger than life heroes, or dramatic characters to do what comes to Chris Pratt so naturally. Groucho Marx said, amongst so many other brilliant things, that it’s easier for comedy actors to go serious film than vice versa.

The best mummies were those in The Extraordinary Adventures of Adele Blanc-Sec. I suggest you watch that.

I mentioned Nathan Drake earlier. The pub they’re in is like that at the beginning of Uncharted 3.

Uncharted 3 Pub Brawl

His friend is very reminiscent of American Werewolf in London.

There’s something oddly artificial about when actors speak directly to the camera as if the viewer were the person they’re talking to. I mean, I know it is artificial, but it really looks it.

Has he wandered into Nightmare Creatures?

So Crowe is Henry Jekyl. Guess he would have been the focus of Dark Universe. I do actually wish that it had gone ahead. I think it would have been a modern day League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (marvellous comic. OK-ish film).

Is it wrong that I find undead Sofia Boutelli attractive?

In Egyptian mythology, is Set actually bad? Or is he the Gatekeeper chap? The one who weighs hearts? I like the idea of that. If you believe you’ve done right, that’s fine. It’s all about who you are, not how life has treated you. Totally tosses the stealing a loaf of bread question out of the window.

May be there’s something in Scientology. Cruise is 2 years older than Crowe.

Don’t care if Cruise’s character dies, just stop trashing the National Museum.

I think the main problem wit this is that the action scenes are too low and they aren’t fun.

This is one of those films you sort of forget you are watching.

There was something else I watched where two pupil irisis meant possession. Can’t remember what though.

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