Don’t Kill It – A Drunken Review

Dolph Lundgren fighting a demon? I’m in…

Don't Kill It
Dolph Lundgren and ludicrous net gun

The world won’t miss this guy. I assume he named his dog Titus after Titus Bramble.

This is quite a brutal film. Doing that stupid thing where they add scream and stuff that aren’t affected by either environment or movement.

Dolph’s still got fine hair.

I think that’s the first time I’ve seen a vaping hero.

This music…

Don't Kill It
“First we take 100% American beef*, then we season it with our secret blend of herbs and spices.”
Corking Movies - Evil Lyn
Evil Lyn? Maybe I should do a review of Masters of the Universe soon

That priest is evil. Nailed on…

This film isn’t quite sure where it sits. Having Dolph Lundgren in it obviously says it’s an action film. However, the pace is more of a crime thriller, and its too open to be a horror film.

Why is Dolph a demon hunter? I can’t see it paying – he doesn’t seem well off. He doesn’t seem well off- he was quite casual about it. Ah. It’s a family thing. Like the Winchesters.

I reckon the first victim in Dolph’s description of the demons is the director.

When I said the film didn’t know where it sits, I think it’s more of a case of the writer/director not wanting to take the shackles off. Whilst there’s an argument for audiences wanting more sophistication and realism in their horror, I think there are times where you just need to scrap that and go for it.

Deer’s head on the wall? Can’t help but think of Deadly Premonition.

“Do you feel it, Zach? My numerous pints of Guinness warned me about it” (this isn’t the first Deadly Premonition reference on here, and it certainly won’t be the last)

Almost constant vaping. Its not as badass as a cigar.

Some nice gore. Now they’re having fun with the whole premise.

So. If the demon moves hosts to the person who killed it, what happens if it dies in an accident? Or of disease? Or old age?

Because the town’s called Chickory Creek, I now have Son of my Father or whatever it’s called stuck in my head

This scene needed a lot more gravity, or to be played entirely for laughs. As it is, it’ somewhere in the middle, which doesn’t work.

This FBI chap is a proper 80s action film douche-bag. If he was older, in his younger days he’d have played a preppy bully, picking on John Cuzack (where is he these days?), then he’d be, well, an FBI guy who gets in the way of the hero, or an EPA agent that frees all the ghosts.

“Yes it’s true. This man has no dick.”

I didn’t hate that. It wasn’t great and I wouldn’t recommend it. When it was fun, it was a lot of fun, but there was too little of that.

Sober edit – you know what? I would recommend it, because the fun bits are worth enduring the meandering bits.

*I was a bit worried doing an image search for “American beef”…

Bright – A Drunken Review


As there was some slight confusion with the poll this week, I’m taking matters into my own hands and watching Bright. Unlike most of what I watch, it’s only a day old. From trailers, it looks a lot like Shadowrun (the RPG for those that couldn’t choose between Cyberpunk and D&D)

Once, a dragon was voted in as president, but the designers didn’t like it and had him assassinated

My first concern is that this is a Will Smith film released direct to Netflix. This could be the start of an unfortunate trend in cinema. My other concern is that the different species may be a heavy handed metaphor for issues of race. Not that race isn’t an issue that needs to be discussed – it does. It’s just that having orcs representing people of colour runs the risk of trivialising things.

And yep. Heavy handed metaphor it is.

If a cop blamed his partner for being shot, would they really be put straight back together?

Orc walking through crowd. People laughing at the sign on his back. Before they see it.

Will Smith is an ass in this. Playing a racist cop.

Ricketty Cricket is going mad with a sword.

Let's get weird
Look. Every tramp in every film I review will be compared to Ricketty Cricket

Now Will Smith is not a racist cop. Not sure what his character is meant to be. He looks the same age as in Independence Day though.

The Dark Elves need three magic wands to raise the Dark Lord. Sounds like we’re in really badly written RPG script territory here.

Cannock Chase Castle
From Wikipedia – Cannock is a kingdom and one of the three kingdoms founded in Torland  the descendants of the Dragon Quest hero and Princess Gwaelin

I imagine the Dark Elves to be emo types. Probably listen to My Chemical Romance while playing Vampire:The Masquerade (look, this film is like an RPG I like, so you have to expect RPG references).

I like that claymore mines have “front towards enemy) stamped on them. Just in case.

If only Acme products were labelled like claymore mines

The Bright’s name is Tikka. Hope she doesn’t turn chicken. Korma is a bitch.

One of those film moments where a character could try and explain, but they just shout and threaten instead.

I think this film would have been happier being born in the 80s.

Noomi Rapace. We don’t see enough of her. Has she appeared in the MCU? If not, surely she has to at some point.

Does the orc cop have family? I think that’s kind of important.

Of course orcs like speed metal. Thought I saw Chester Bennington in the club. Then realised it couldn’t be, which was sad.

Do the police not turn up to shoot outs? Dark Elves are pretty badass.

This isn’t as bad as critical have made out (or to me it isn’t). It has flaws, but it’s enjoyable enough.

Agh. One of those “Why didn’t you do that earlier?” “Because the script.” moments. There’s no need for that. If you basically undo something you’ve just done, it’s just redundant.

The film’s becoming a bit rambling now. They could, and should, have wrapped it up by now. In the good old days, it would have just ended there. Maybe a smart arse quip to the Feds.

Way to oversell a joke.

Seriously. End it. The audience will remember the last moments. That’s why films have very little in the way of epilogue. It’s shoot shoot, explosions, quip, pan out to show scenes of devastation, credits.


Left Behind – A Drunken Review

It’s the rapture! And Nicholas Cage has been… Left Behind. At least I had a bottle of wine to help me through my tribulations. Expect some drunken musing on all things cinematic and ecumenical.

Left Behind movie poster
Has Cage been airbrushed in?

It’s another Nick Cage special. Based on a badly written book about the end times. Did start reading it as a joke, but it was so badly written and offensive. Apparently, in the video game (yes…) there’s demons that come out of UN trucks. We’re in tinfoil hat territory here.

Left Behind Video Game
Left Behind – the video game.

I wish you were here to hear this music. And I was somewhere else. Wait. It’s part of a trilogy? Was there a reason that there were so many copies of the book Acts of God? Was it some sort of product placement?

The music. It’s infomercial material. Uh oh. Nicholas Cage took off his wedding ring. He’s a bad man.

You know that scene in one of the Modern Warfare games where you walk through the airport shooting civilians? I want that to happen to this airport.

Take that, Rayford Steel and Buck Williams.

Nicholas Cage’s daughter is an evangelical atheist. In about 10 minutes, she’s attacked some stranger about it and slagged off her own mother for being religious. I reckon she’ll come to see the light by the end of it. The writers think non believers are Bad People(tm). Now shes banging on about it to handsome investigative journalist man (it’s been  repeatedly pointed out  that’s what he is). The religious polemic is heavy handed as it gets. Captain Steel?

Random porter guy just rolled up and gave Captain Steel’s daughter two U2 tickets for her dad. Took him two weeks to find them. The people who write this stuff. They don’t actually experience real life, do they?

Now Investigative Journalist has walked into the aircraft cabin to hand Captain Steel the tickets. This is post 9-11.

His name isn’t just Captain Steel. It’s Captain Rayford Steel.

Angry midget is angry, Bad music is still playing. There’s so much badness going on, I’ve scarcely had chance to drink.

Mom just put her gloves on an obviously placed Bible. She’s religious, you see. She’ll be swept up in the Rapture.

Captain Rayford Steel is giving it the anti God stuff again. I’m an atheist,, but that’s just my thing. If people want to believe, that’s their thing.

That blocked road is the most blocked road ever. It’s about as subtle as the dialogue. Ironically it’s probably a metaphor that’s too subtle for me to get.

Stop it Rayford Steel. She’s young enough to be your daughter. And too young to be impressed by U2 tickets.

Remember in Steven Spielberg’s War of the Worlds where the heat rays left clothes behind? Well that’s what happens when people get Raptured. So what if the Steven Spielberg’s War of the Worlds aliens were just Rapturing people?

War of the Worlds Tripod
“Do not fear us. We are only trying to save your eternal souls.”

Muslim guy didn’t get Raptured. He just said “Alluha Akbar” when it happened.  I don’t think it;’s an expression of surprise.

I wonder if U2 were taken up in the Rapture? If so, those tickets were a waste of money.

There’s post rapture looting going on and some big bearded guy just legged it out with a whole load of dresses.

By the way, you know that thing about aeroplanes needing at least one atheist pilot in case of the rapture? Hopefully I don’t have to tell you it’s nonsense.

I love scenes where it sounds like everyone is screaming, but there’s nobody with their mouth open.

Captain Rayford Steel is trying to get his mobile to work in flight (it was already on and not in aeroplane mode) and is annoyed by the lack of signal.

A drug addict. Obviously not Raptured.

Guy was judgmental about midget’s gambling habit. So, basically, guy who cast first stone ascended (sober edit – I finally remembered what the real word was).

investigative journalist was speaking as if doing a report while taking stills pictures with a camera. He was broadcasting to no-one and he was not recording anything.

Both pilots on that plane ascended. Bad luck to the imperfect people on there. The whole Rapture thing was badly thought out. For many people there’s no opportunity for redemption. If God is real, there’s people who’ve not had the chance to find him, or have grown up in societies where another religion is predominant (and it’s seen as apostasy to teach any other kind of religion. There’s people who experience awful deprived lives. Should eternal damnation be warranted based on an accident of birth? Take the gambling midget in this. What if he started gambling (not exactly the worst sin) as a form of escape due to bullying and shit? The Muslim chap – if he was from Saudi Arabia, the opportunity to be ‘taught’ Christianity would be severely limited. Rich white Americans would be OK though. They’ve had easy lives. Their faith hasn’t been tested. I bet the writers of this would expect Trump and Pence to ascend.

“Mother, will Uncle Donald be coming to Heaven too?”

THAT DUDE SHOT A JUGGALO. It was a bit back, but I just remembered. He;d probably watched Batman and got confused. What about people like the Joker who are insane and do horrific things? If it’s like a chemical insanity, should they be punished? Some people’s brains are just wired wrong. The whole idea only those who are good and true going to heaven only works with a level playing field. You’re a parent. Your child is starving. You see a load of bread unguarded on a market stall. What do you do? If you are willing to risk your eternal soul to feed your child, that is about the most selfless thing you can do. But you are punished for it. At least with the Egyptian death myth, it’s about your moral balance.  If you have done what you believe to be right, you go on the up escalator.

Where did she get a gun?

I’m sure the Rapture, like this, isn’t actually in the Bible.

During the Tribulation, if someone shows themselves to be a True Believer, can they be plucked out? From what I’ve read, belief during the Tribulation will be so much harder than belief before it.

This feels like a pilot (ironically, Nicholas Cage doesn’t).

Ah. The gun belonged to an Air Marshall., to quote Nicholas Cage “The Air Marshall? I forgot about him.” The writers did too, it seems. It’s like they’d filmed the bits with the gun, then suddenly realised they hadn’t explained where it came from. Like a reverse Chekhov’s Revolver. We’ll call it Bay’s Automatic.

If the Rapture happened, I’d call round people I didn’t like (as I’m an atheist, I’d be stuck down here), and, if they answered, it’d be like “Get in.”

Victory baby
“So you’re stuck here too? Good.”

Also, if you lived and died pre-Rapture, and weren’t a True Believer, would that mean you went to Hell or Purgatory? At least if you were around when the Tribulation kick off, there’s some solid proof that there’s a God and stuff. Also, what happens if you lived and died BC? I imagine a lot of our readers won’t be religious sorts. I’d love someone who is to read this and answer my questions. Not in an “I’m Richard Dawkins and I want to tear down everything that helps you cope with life” kind of way, but with genuine interest. I’m not too proud to admit I’m wrong. At least I assume I’m not. Its just never happened yet.

More Heaven/Hell stuff. If you genuinely believed in Hell, you would not stop until everyone you cared about was converted, or you died trying. If you were to believe for a moment you had not done everything possible to convert people it would make you a terrible person (and I assume destine you for Hell). I once had a friend who was a Seventh Day Adventist. I asked him if he thought I was going to Hell. With a shrug of the shoulders he said “Yes”. Surely his lack of an attempt to save me was worse than if he’d seen me bleeding out at the side of the road? Also, if you believe in Hell, by having children, aren’t you at risk of creating a life that may end up in Hell? No matter how devout the parent, there’s always that risk (sober edit – I wrote a short story that touched on this that is published here –

You know in Wayne’s World where they used stock footage to show the plane flying to the UK? This makes that look like Blade Runner 2049. I think, come the New Year, I’m going to buy, and watch, the other two films. And if I buy it, it means giveaway time.

Captain Rayford Steel’s daughter has cleared a path by the men at work signs. Turns out they weren’t a metaphor, just foreshadowing. I feel good for myself in that I didn’t fail to grasp a metaphor, but feel bad for the writers that even with my low opinion of them I still managed to overestimate them.

This film really doesn’t act as a debate about morality or belief or anything. It’s just a bad disaster movie.

One plus point. Nick Cage’s hairline is less ludicrous than Ghost Rider. Also, Evil Temptress Stewardess is remarkably attractive. I don’t care who did the catering. Everyone involved was either judgmental or greedy (both of which would possibly mean you get left behind).

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
Start date 27-07-2017 18:30:09
End date 22-12-2017 19:59:59
Poll Results:
What review would you like to see on the weekend after 22/12/17

Knucklebones -A Drunken Review

Sober edit. There are spoilers. And swearing.


So, Knucklebones it is, and Orc Wars is consigned to the bargain bucket of history. I think I might have found that interesting.

Wait. Is this just unused FMV from Red Alert?

Red Alert FMV rocked

This music is like circa 2000 post-industrial stuff. Like Gravity Kills, or God Lives Underwater.

Lady here works in a lightbulb, Hessian and cardboard box factory.

Did he just take her to the fair so he could dump her so that he could play around at University? That’s a future politician right there.

So, she slit her wrists, filled the bath with blood, but her wrists aren’t bandaged? Or is this a dream sequence we’re supposed to think is real? Which I kind of do, despite there being evidence to the contrary (no bandages, echoey sound, there being no other people). Most of my dreams are about automated software test cases. I need to eat more cheese. It was a dream.

She’s wearing a wedding ring. Also, as a suicide attemptee (why is the term suicide victim used? Depression victim, being shit on victim, yes, but suicide victim doesn’t ring true), is it wise to leave a tub of pills with her breakfast, then leave the room?

Ewan McGregor in Christmas adverts? Guess he’s not going to be in the rumoured Obi-Wan movie.

McGregor at the peak of his career

When I was young, some of my friends would ‘get the slipper’ if they misbehaved. Would that work today with my Star Wars slippers? Or would it be too ridiculous to be punishment? Would never do it, but looked at my feet and it made me think.

Look at them. They’re young. They’re pretty. They’re laughing. They have so much to live for. Apparently, ghosts get angry if you don’t believe in them. Richard Dawkins must be living a nightmare.

Sheriff’s mother in law is having her newspapers stolen. How will anyone know if she’s dead?

They’re asking crazy questions. Mine would be this – “If you could piss, and only piss, tiny diamonds, would you?” Answers below.

My brother suggested this. I wonder how far he got. He lacks my tolerance. And booze. And yes, blonde lady, “That’s what she said” is ALWAYS funny.

“Why would they be making uniforms for Nazis in the middle of Texas.”

Are our uniforms ready?

A ghost busters reference? I met Ernie Hudson once. He signed the Ghost busters book I’ve had since the film came out.

“Hands up who wants to try summoning a demon?” CAN YOU PLEASE VOTE YES SO WE CAN HAVE A HORROR FILM PLEASE!

“911, what’s your emergency?”
“We found some Nazi stuff and summoned a demon and now it’s trying to kill us.”

At least the demon has the whole 80s quip thing going on. Like Sir Freddie Krueger (was he named after the South African politician?)

Haven’t we all drunk beer we’ve found on the floor whilst having a piss?

This is obviously a homage to the horror films of the 80s and it’s very obvious the director/writer loves the genre. There’s something that doesn’t quite click though. Maybe it’s the acting. Did the tramp say his friends call him Choptop Bill?

“Music is my life”

Met Bill Moseley at the NEC. Nice bloke. Awesome in House of 1000 Corpses. Behold! Fishboy!

Still not sure why this doesn’t do it. It’s a fine line between the good and the terrible in low budget horror, but when you’re on the wrong side of the line, it’s a long fall. Maybe it is down to the cast. None of them give us a reason for us to want them to live (which is a common problem with horror these days). Maybe it’s the location. It’s a warehouse in the middle of nowhere, meaning that the viewer is isolated from any threat.

An unfinished bottle of red. The Night of the Living Dead on TV. Does the mom run a rival website?

Have to say, if my younger sibling was being attacked by a demon, not sure if I’d cut my hand of with shears and burn the flesh off in a convenient fire. Especially as he’s responsible for me watching this.

Did the Nazis have a plan to deal with the demon once it’s work was done? Or was it a case of destroy, rather than conquer?

You’ve just unleashed a demon on the country because your boyfriend cheated on you with your friend. How are you going to top that when real life fucks you over?

More 1990s post-industrial. Like Electric Hellfire Club. Or My Life With the Thrill Kill Kult. I exposed my goth roots with Viking Quest, now this.

Catering was Jami’s Frozen Sweets. Doesn’t sound like they are healthy.

Jacob’s Creek Merlot. £5 from Asda

The Big Bad Wolves of Grizzly Hills are in the credits. Intrigued.

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
Start date 27-07-2017 18:30:09
End date 22-12-2017 19:59:59
Poll Results:
What review would you like to see on the weekend after 22/12/17

Starry Eyes

Spoiler warning. This review contains spoilers, as, if you don’t know, these reviews are basically my notes scribbled down as I drink and watch a film…

The first review of a new notepad. You’ll be able to tell your grandkids you were there. They’ll probably ask what notepads are. The winner of the vote was Starry Eyes. I’m hoping for something surprisingly good, like turned out to be.

Better typeface this week. Old school horror.

What kind of hipster hell party is this? There’s at least one fedora and someone mumbling poetry. Someone has a film camera. Ok. I’m guilty of the last two. There’s something about the fact that you have to be careful about your shots.

Mr.Bowtie is a bad example of someone trying to act twice their age. And just acting badly anyway.

Early doors, but this film smacks of people trying to be clever. Hopefully I’ll be wrong and they’ll actually be clever. I would rather watch good films you know. Please think about that when you vote.

I’m getting a bit of a Pi vibe from this, which may be a good sign. Love that film. Bought it on DVD from Woolworths because it said Cyberpunk on the cover somewhere.

11:15 Restate my assumptions. Starting to enjoy this film.

Was that Sharon Tate on the wall there? Is that some kind of portent?

Creepy boss is creepy.

I’ve always thought of Hollywood as some kind of vile meat grinder. Bus loads of young people are brought in and stripped down to lifeless husks. I can’t imagine many stars are found because they just turn up and try hard. It’s as nepotistic as the aristocracy. Clooney – celebrity family. Jolie – acting dad. Of course, exceptions will always exist, to perpetuate the dream machine. Like people who become rich from nothing. They’re a drop in the ocean of old, establishment money.

In the current climate, the phrase “meeting with the producer” has such a different connotation. I wonder if the writers knew. Does and did everyone in Hollywood know this was happening and just accept it as part of the game?

I’m actually watching this film. With my eyes and brain.

Wow. Her friend is asking if people still do the whole casting couch thing. Seriously, how prescient is this? If I’d have watched this last week, I’d have thought it clichéd.

The ukelele – the idiot violin.

If you’ve been to the front line and stood up to oppression in South Africa, you can play one. Otherwise, learn a real instrument

Outside the core cast, there’s some pretty bad acting, and it’s annoying. The lead actress is good, but it seems like, a lot of the time, she’s acting against a brick wall.

I think the widening of the financial gap between the Indies and the big Hollywood films is growing dangerously. It gives us expectations of all films. I went to see Thor:Ragnarok last night (loved it) but you compare the production values of that against this and you end up with an unfair prejudice. This film can’t hope to compete in that way against Thor, but it shouldn’t be expected to. It’s like of Runcorn Town faced off against Man City. The cost of the players decides what happens.

Even bringing in goalkeeper Terry McMormick wouldn’t stop Man City scoring. Only one team has done that this season. If you know who it is, answer in the comments…

I’m kind of wandering off point, but basically our expectations of what movies are is dictated by the amount spent, and we should be able to see films in isolation (although this film does have an intercontextuality that kind of precludes that sort of isolation in a way).

Creepy boss actually seems a decent sort.

Tertiary characters in limited budget films. Are they generally so bad because they’re friends of people involved in the making of the film – producers, directors etc, as opposed to being cast in the usual fashion?

Also, I forgot to mention. The lead referred to herself as an actor. It’s not usually the case that people refer to female actors as actors. The term actress is actually incorrect and demeaning.

I think I get where the Pi vibe is coming from. It’s the antagonist being in decay, both morally and physically, with a dread inevitability.

The producers PA seems to come from a stable of demonic assistants.

Dread inevitability. Bug has it too. Taking the lead and making them grotesque. And The Fly. It’s all about fingernails, teeth and hair. Like porphyria. May. That’s another one.

How does Brundlefly drink?

Have to say, for all my previous cynicism, this goes into the pleasant surprise column. It’s not a horror film in the classic sense, but it uses the genre to explore a theme, an idea.

So, according to IMDB, one of the cast is Gene Simmons’s son. Just look for the one trying to make money out of everything and everyone.

I think the fact that Sarah’s so middle class at the start makes the fall so hard.

I think jealousy exists everywhere, but I can imagine, in Hollywood, with groups of people all struggling to make it, it’s far stronger. Sarah hurting her friends is a conscious execution of a subconscious desire. The killings are very brutal, but I think they have to be, for the film, they need impact, to show how low Sarah has sunk.

I think one criticism of the film would be how drastic Sarah’s arc is but obviously the movie is limited by running length.

I think the wannabe director is a bit of a nature boy. His project’s just a way of getting women.

Whilst there is obviously a story in the sexual predation of the producer, it seems to be an allegory for the cannibalistic nature of Hollywood itself, and how self serving the people in it can be in climbing the (sober edit – the sentence ends there. At a guess, it would have been ‘ladder’).

Catering was be Dino Fantazis, and, as I actually enjoyed this, I hope they were well catered for.

Sarah’s transformation at the end reminded me of the Man Who Fell to Earth.

The reveal scene from The Man Who Fell to Earth that left many viewers shocked.

The music is pure 80s horror.

Oh, got to say, Sarah was well cast. They could have gone for a bubbly airhead, but they chose someone who would get the audience on-side and then have that ‘golden age of Hollywood’ look at the end.

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
Start date 27-07-2017 18:30:09
End date 22-12-2017 19:59:59
Poll Results:
What review would you like to see on the weekend after 22/12/17

Halloween Special #3 – We Are What We Are – A Drunken Review

We Are What We Are

Well, it’s a day late, but today’s review is We Are What We Are (I was at the Wolves Vs Preston match today, so didn’t want a hangover). I’m actually going into this one with some enthusiasm and optimism, unlike others of late. Fingers crossed.

OK. Cinematography is a cut above what I’m used to, and it’s by ‘Uncorked Productions’, which is cool.

That pig sign looks like the one from the Delicatessen sign (good film).

Heh. Children burping. My son burped the other day and said it had gone up to God.

That’s rain. The sort of rain that makes you feel wet even when you’re inside. You can’t escape it.

Would they really ask a daughter to identify a corpse because the dad is still grieving. No. Scratch that question. What sort of dad would make his daughter do it?

I think Resident Evil 7 has the creepy hillbilly family thing cornered at the moment.

Welcome to the family, son

We don’t seem to be headed anywhere at the moment. Obviously the death of a mother is a momentous thing. But, we don’t know them. Why should we care? I think the director is too interested in showing us how clever he is in constructing scenes and shots (and he is, although some of the acting doesn’t help, the children and father not withstanding – they are excellent) than constructing a compelling narrative.

Suddenly the shots have gone all foreground/background focusing (I don’t know the proper terminology). Were the scenes in the police station shot by someone else?

I get the feeling this film is about a big twist and is wasting time because theres not much else to it. Like when you have a 5000 word dissertation and you pad it out with unnecessary words.

They could focus on the young boy – see the world through his naive eyes.

Something might happen soon.

I’m no love guru or anything, but, Deputy Creepypants, turning up at a girl’s house, after dark, on the night of her mother’s funeral and asking about a missing person is not a good leadup to asking her out.

This film has pretentions of being an arthouse film, but the narrative does not lend itself to being one. At the moment, I am thoroughly bored. I was sort of hoping this would be a hidden gem, like Bounty Killer, but in a more intellectual way.

The whole film should have been wrapped up ages ago. There’s been nothing to engage and I don’t really care much about the characters.

Nice frying pan sound.

No you lying get

The end would have been shocking if I’d have cared about anything that preceded it. Maybe they could have made more of the relationships in the family or something. Given the end some purpose. This country music at the end just feels like someone trying to be ironic.

Catering was by Tribe Road Catering. Head chef was Andrew Gilbert.

Booze – Guinness. Various prices, various places.

Don’t forget, you can still sign up for a chance to win Hellraiser Revelations – Hellraiser Revelations

13 Eerie – A Drunken Review

“We prey for you” Seriously?

SOBER WARNING – There are spoilers.

A bottle of 19 Crimes and this one tastes even better for some reason.

Oh dear. That bird of prey screech at the end of the credits was just cheap. As is the opening sequence and the synth music. I recognise two people from this. In recent films on here that’s a lot. I know the girl from Ginger Snaps is one, and there’s a young fellow with a redneck beard I recognise.

Oh look! It’s John McEnroe.

The music is telling us to be afraid because there’s nothing else. Hey, wait! I recognise John McEnroe from somewhere.

Why do low budget films always film at angles?

Oh no! John McEnroe smoked a joint and all the equipment is broken. I guess the scriptwriter is trying to tell us something.

A reference for the old people out there
Just say no.

This set up – competition for places on a pathology course being contested for using real corpses on an island which housed a penitentiary, in which experiments took place. It’s a bit convoluted.

I think I recognise redneck beard from something I like.

Oh no. He’s smoking the drugs again. He’ll be listening to jazz records next.

Do actors in these films never question the script? In testing software, you do something called static testing. You go through the specification and look for problems before it goes further. Someone should have pointed out how stupid it was that the teacher just totally dismissed the idea of there being a rogue corpse. Then I wouldn’t have wasted time writing this paragraph.

The students already seem to be well versed in this sort of stuff.

John McEnroe is the only likeable character here. Plus I’m sure one of the students just said “dogshoot”. That dialogue was probably written by the writer who thinks marijuana is the root of all evil.

There was another guy in the movie, but he’s gone now.

This zombie is quite a dainty eater.

Mr.Redneck Beard seems like an unusually good actor compared to everyone else.

Roaring zombies. That’s unusual. They’re more like orcs.

I hope Professor Asshole gets bit.

I’m sure Professor Asshole was just wearing latex gloves to turn on the generator. Maybe that’s his ‘thing’ – he fears contact with the real world. Although he wasn’t wearing them after.

Oh, suddenly Professor Asshole gives a damn, and he has a gun.

These zombies seem to enjoy their work.

The gore in this is actually quite good. It’s just about everything else that’s the problem. Oooh. She’s using convoluted science to escape. Because she’s a student, see. She could have just legged it, but… SCIENCE!

She blinded me with science!
Beep bop boop

Director: Can you do some expressions?

Actress: What emotions?

Director: Is raised eyebrows an emotion?

Now John McEnroe’s gone, I don’t care who dies. We’re supposed to have wanted him dead, but he was a likeable idiot (they never said what his crime was. I’m guessing it was something petty).

I think we’re supposed to want the girl from Ginger Snaps to survive (who is probably too old to be a student). Instead of making her a likeable character, however, like most modern horror, they’ve just chosen an attractive actress. Physical beauty is shorthand for decency. Which is lazy. Who would you trust more? Melania Trump or Dot Cotton?

Ooh, I say

You know some of these films end with the protagonist (pretty white female) covered with blood and viscera, but surviving. Then they started killing them and it was like “Surprise! Nobody survived!” and we were shocked. Theoretically, as both kinds of ending exist, there is a better opportunity for suspense, yet, because the possibilities of who survives are narrow (ie Pretty White Female) it is necessary for that character to be likeable for that suspense to exist. Usually, they aren’t, so it’s a case of holding on to the slim hope that the character you at best like, or at least hate less, survives. Which they almost always fail to do.

Looks more like him when you're drunk.
This one’s for my dead homie John McEnroe

A shed. A van. An arrow. I’m hoping they’re going to A-Team their way out of there. Girl from Ginger Snaps’s beau reminds me of Crispin Glover. Have you ever seen his version of Ben? Well now you can.

There were just two pieces of really beautiful cinematography. Totally out of place. I can imagine a cameraman who had dreams of producing real art seeing an opportunity and taking it.

Ok. Fuck you. More characters were alive than I expected, but they finished on a comedy cliffhanger, utterly at odds with the tone of the film. I’m going to assume they all died and nobody cared.

Catering was by Meals for Reels. All caterers must have pun names. Like hairdressers (best one I’ve seen is Sherlock Combs) and chip shops (I always wanted to open a German themed one in southern England called Cod in Hemmel). They have a chef – Bev Dusel and a sous-chef – Tim Dusel. The term sous-chef always reminds me of Apocalypse Now. What’s the difference between Shaun Cadenne, credited as Dailies and Ward da Bussac (awesome name) credited as Daily? Surely the only difference between Daily and Dailies is one is plural?

Still pissed off that they didn’t finish the film. I’d made a whole point about who survives in horror films.

Wait. Special thanks… Bruce Willis?

Sober bit – Don’t forget, you can sign up to the mailing list and possibly win a copy of Hellraiser Revelations.

Monday Update 09/10/2017

The Legacy - House of Hell
Another 80s game geek reference. Lose one sanity.

The first Corking Movies Halloween special (spooktacular) was a doozy. Troll 2 has long been known as one of the worst films of all time. It was even the subject of an entertaining documentary entitled Best Worst Movie). It has attained cult status, giving rise to fan festivals, special screenings and its cast revel in their notoriety. As you can imagine, it was enjoyable to watch drunk, and the review is below.

Continuing our October Halloween theme, I’ve prepared the new poll. Billy Zane and Red Clover have been removed from the list having garnered no votes. I’m sure Billy Zane will appear here again. His is an odd tale, to me. He’s a decent actor, but whether it’s through bad decisions, bad advice or whatever, he’s been in a lot of bad films (and his name is tainted as such). So, in place of Red Clover and Troll 2, we have 13 Eerie (no score on Rotten Tomatoes) and The Day (29% on Rotten Tomatoes).

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
Start date 27-07-2017 18:30:09
End date 13-10-2017 19:59:59
Poll Results:
What should I watch for the next Halloween Special?

Child’s Play

As a horror fan, this is one of those films I’ve just never got round to watching. For those that don’t know, it’s about a killer doll, voiced by the fantastic Brad Dourif. It spawned many sequels.

I Am The Pretty Thing That Lives In The House

This is a Netflix special about a writer of ghost stories who moves into a house with a ghost. I expect one of those book signing endings that all films with writers in have. And jump scares and close up over the shoulder shots (you know the one, where the viewer can see what’s behind the protagonist).

The Day

This is a post apocalyptic horror, so bad haircuts are guaranteed. It’s about a bunch of survivors holes up in a farmhouse with bad guys outside.

13 Eerie

Some FBI forensic wannabes are sent to an island for some test or another. Turns out some illegal experiments were done there. One of the cast is listed as ‘Skinhead Nazi Zombie’, so that may give you some idea.

Troll 2 – A Drunken Review

The cork from tonight’s wine seemed kind of appropriate

I remember watching Troll with my uncle a long time ago. There was an apartment block. People got turned into pods. Plants spread through the building. A mushroom did a song. As did a troll. Troll 2, apparently has nothing to do with that. It’s a bit like Halloween 3 in that there’s a film that the studio wanted to use the success, or at least the name – I don’t know how well Troll did, to boost sales.

This is a nice wine. Banished, 19 Crimes 2016. Goes down very smoothly. Quite full bodied. Not too acid.

That was a sudden start. The narration here isn’t too accurate. Those goblins weren’t giggling. Also, they’re chasing this Oktoberfest dude to some sort of 80s TV car chase music. That woman (obviously a witch of some sort) has freckles that look like my mom put on me when I dressed as a schoolgirl once.

Grandpa hates goblins. You can see it. Hates. Goblins. And they still exist. I can actually testify to this as I’ve seen one on TV.

That green goop is almost the same colour as our living room walls. His mom looks like she’s the wife of a cult leader. She also acts as she’s hypnotized. Her description of grandfather’s death feels like a character outline. “We’ll be living life like peasants and farmers.” Hardly selling the holiday there. The quick scene in the daughter’s room looked like it was part of a public health video.

I’d understand a town being called Nilbog in Sweden, but it doesn’t sound very American. I may be wrong. The name of my home town (Cannock) has always sounded Scottish to me, but in actuality is named either after Dragon’s Quest II or a song by Labe Siffre.

Cannock Chase Castle
From Wikipedia – Cannock is a kingdom and one of the three kingdoms founded in Torland by the descendants of the Dragon Quest hero and Princess Gwaelin

“Michael? Who are the goblins?” Allow me to field that one. They’re a band that works with Dario Argento.

Wait. Can a girl really turn you homosexual by kicking you in the balls? Are house exchanges a thing? Also, if you’re sneaking your boyfriend into the room, try not to shout at each other.

Met Andy Robinson once. Nice bloke
Last time I heard someone demand kids start singing “Row your boat”

Wait. Has that kid got some kind of Dante’s Divine Comedy ‘Forest of Suicides’ thing going on?

If it is a farmer’s house they’re stopping at, do they have to tend cattle and shit?

Dad, I don’t think the country folk are impressed. Actually, is that part of the dad job description? To try and fool your kids into thinking you’re not as out of the water when in a foreign environment as they are? That’s why dads don’t see read maps, don’t ask for directions and attempt to speak the language or dialect – “Hey. If dad knows the score, we’re sound.” I know I’ve done it and I think I’ve seen my dad do it (sorry if I’ve broken some sort of dad pact).

I might pretend to be a kid’s dead grandfather and get him to do all sorts of weird shit. And nobody would eat food that colour. There’s something wrong with the kid when he thinks the only way to stop people eating is to stand on the table and

piss on the food.

The goblins look disinterested. Except for that one that looks like Theresa May when she’s asked a question she hasn’t given to the BBC beforehand.

Strong and  Stable

That spear seemed to travel a lot further than the distance between the goblins and Specco.

This church has a four poster bed and potion table in the main room.

Hey look! It’s the Troll Queen, whose support for votes on this site may have won it for Troll 2. Her acting kind of reminds me of Jeffrey Coombs. Campy and OTT, but fully aware of it.

Specco is talking about things in logical terms. Probably because he has glasses.

Now you know where it’s from

Forgot to mention, there was an Alan Moore Killing Joke Joker poster, so that was cool. Also, was the not eating stuff from the goblins based on the poem The Goblin Market by Christina Rossetti and the stories about how, if you ate food from the fairy world, you’d never leave it?

Holly’s dance there was a bit odd. Followed shortly after by what seemed to be a WWE style callout to her boyfriend.

Dead Grandad, are you just pretending to have got the wrong room, you dirty old bugger?

Even from beyond the grave grandfather hates his son in law. To be fair, he hasn’t done much to make the viewer like him.

Holly’s boyfriend is naked in bed with his friend. Maybe he was right about being kicked in the balls.

A green cheeseburger! Just like in The Adventure Game (a reference that only older Brits will get).

Dude. If you go back to your mates having only bought a carton of milk, they won’t be happy.

Milk was a bad choice

There’s a whole anti-vegetarianism thing going on here. Which I’d have been down with until I watched Okja. Now, I obviously find it highly offensive. Elliott was buttoning up there like he’d been caught en flagrante. Must have been that kick in the balls.

Not sure if the preacher is from a Godley and Creme tribute band, or is a WWE wrestler whose schtick is that he is a southern preacher. The sheriff is a fat Stan Lee.

Line of the film so far… “I don’t speak with people who arrive late and upset their girlfriends. You give me a bad impression.” Would not be out of place in Napoleon Dynamite.

The Queen’s house looks like a weird florist.

Specco seems more disappointed than scared.

Wait. Did Bonnie Prince Billie just dance past? Saw a film with him in once. It was odd. The dad is like me when I try to be a disciplinarian at home. My heart’s not in it and I’m trying really hard not to laugh. Like earlier when my son had seen an advert for a guide dog charity, decided he wanted a guide dog, so was pretending to be blind (he’s 4).

Oh. It’s Grandad Seth, not Death. Do ghosts usually have Molotov cocktails? I’d like to rewrite this as a story where a ghost grandfather appears to his grandson, but is basically an asshole who is trying to ruin his daughter’s marriage via his grandson. Did grandpa really put the extinguisher there so deadbeat dad could put out the preacher? It’s not like there was a danger of the fire spreading. Oh look, Bonnie Prince Billie again. The Letting Go is a fantastic album (which I also reference in my review of A Monster Calls)

The Goblin Queen has just gone from creepy school librarian to 80s soft rock ballad vixen.

“You need to eat the sandwiches, or we’ll kill you violently”. Is that how I can get my son to eat?

Wait. Is the cheesy music from the TV actually playing outside? Has the whole film just been a weird advert for sweet corn? If it is, it’s working. I fancy some corn on the cob.

How's Anne?
Has he just seen Agent Cooper and a dancing dwarf?

Whoever drew these prints with what appear to be Pilgrim Goblins, they’re pretty cool.

The afterlife Grandpa is in seems to be pretty mundane. I mean he’s in a cardigan and slacks and has a cheap looking shoulder bag.


Erm, a meat sandwich is hardly vegetarian Kryptonite. Like when right wing nutjobs put ham on mosque doors. Muslims can touch it. Hell, you’ve probably been served pork products by Muslims.

This drunken review has probably been the most political, despite Okja being the most political film I’ve watched since I started. Or maybe Nostalghia.

Anyway, I have to say, this film was made in earnest, it seems. It wasn’t a cynical cash grab, like Crystal Skulls appeared to be. That it was the apple that got his mom further ties it to the Goblin Market.

Is Troll 3 streaming anywhere?

The Banished 19 Crimes 2016 vintage, Asda, about £7. A very pleasant red.

Oh, another thought. If they’d have made it a family film, I think it would have worked better. There wasn’t actually much ‘adult’ stuff.

Deborah Reed’s blog




Ghost Storm – A Drunken Review

Ghost Storm. Sounds like an old Spectrum game. Probably had an exciting cover with a bunch of skulls flying all over, but was actually some dull Attic Attack rip off by a games company that only made one game (and was probably only one person). So yeah. Thanks. Tonight I’m watching a PG ghost film called Ghost Storm.

Ghost Storm - Attic Attack
Attic Attack

This wine is awful, too.

First fake scare. So telegraphed I saw it last week.

A lightning bolt just hit a tomb. How unlucky.

Ghost Storm - Altered Beast
Rise from your grave!

Seriously, this wine is not good. I’m worried this’ll end up a sober review.

The priest looks like he’s wearing makeup to make him look old. But I don’t think it is makeup.

You honestly think kids dug up a corpse as a prank? Yeah, I was 17 once too. I wouldn’t dream of digging up a corpse.

“I’ll speak my line.”

“Now I’ll speak mine.”

“Now me again.”

“Just like real people don’t.”

So. Lightning hits a crypt where a mad priest did a suicide cult thing, so a crap CGI cloud killed a kid who is now appearing on his girlfriend’s phone…

Deputy just said the father of the deceased had arrived and “Is pretty upset.” Yeah. I think I know why.

The ghost smoke is actually a decent effect for a film of this sort of budget. It couldn’t overrun Deputy Dot Cotton though.

Ghost Storm - Dot Cotton
Ooh, I say

That guy at the weather station was working when Mrs. Sheriff’s Wife left at night and was still there in the morning.

Something supernatural *is* happening. Woman walking toward shot from one angle, but disappeared when shot changed.

It’s OK. The Winchester Boys are here.

Ghost Storm - Winchesters
“I’m Detective Simmons and this is my partner Detective Criss.”

That’s the biggest Ghost Storm I’ve ever seen.

Ooooh. It’s ex Mrs. Sheriff’s Wife. I was thinking, the other day, if you divorce and re-marry, are you still a divorcee? If you are widowed and re-marry are you still a widower?

That ghostly TV thing was actually pretty cool.

My grandad had a boat like that. He lived in Ashmore Park. I don’t think it ever got wet unless it rained.

Is that blokey from Battlestar Galactica? He has a PKE meter, too. It says on it. They must be commercially available now. I hope Spengler patented it.

It’s that whole ‘scepticism in the face of everything’ thing again.

Suicide victims? Is that a thing? A victim of depression, of circumstance, yes, but not sure you can be a victim of suicide.

If it wasn’t for the Ghost Storm, I’d like to go camping there.

That was like when the spirits went through all the Nazis (how are Nazis still a thing?) in Raiders of the Lost Ark, only it was 2 firemen and a cloud.

I miss using those library index card boxes. I might buy some to catalogue my neuroses.

Ghost Storm - Index Box
“You’ll find it under I for impostor syndrome.”

Stop with the camera angles. And camera wobble.

We’ll done on correcting your dad there. Killed is a bit different to hurt.

Ooh. The town emergency button. I bet every Sheriff dreams of pressing that.

You eeediot!

Mrs. Ex-Sheriffs-Wife hair is perfect. I mean it’s like she’s just got out of the salon, given it a little bounce with her hand and that’s it.

Heh. Sheriff just ran into a bar and told them to seal it up and not leave. You wouldn’t have to tell me twice.

That smoke. It’s vaping hipsters, isn’t it?

“As you asked, it’s juniper and Mongolian cha cha bean flavour.” “But I didn’t…”

To be fair, I’ve watched worse films with bigger budgets (I assume). Like Venom, I think it was called. That probably had much more money and more time to work on a script etc, but was worse. I’m not saying this is a good film, bit it has more of an excuse and you get the feeling people have tried, rather than gone “Oh, sod it, that’ll do.” I think I’m finding, with bad and low budget films, you can almost tell when the filmmakers are earnest and giving it their best to make something entertaining, and when there’s a more cynical ‘get it out there and onto the next’ one.

I thought weather station guy might be a bit more involved, but either he’s happily sitting in his station, or he died whilst I was writing.

There he is. Always happens (see Spiderman – A Drunken Review)

Wait, if you shoot a pistol in a church, will it depressurise?

This wine improves with drinking.

A Dell PC that old deserves to get (I can’t actually read my note here. It says killed, or fitted, I think)  with ghost smoke.

Is Jitted a word?

How long would it take to seal every place smoke could get into a building? And once you had, how long before you suffocate? Asking for a friend.

Seriously. The camera angles. Not needed.

Bloke from Battlestar Galactica slept on his arm.

If he had any fantasies about a night with Dot Cotton…

I may have misheard, but I think he said something about a cult of Holland and Barrett.

In a crisis, can people deal with a death so readily? If any of my colleagues died, I’d be gutted. I’d struggle to continue until I’d processed the grief, but in films, people just get on and do heroic shit.

You know own what killed this film now? Pseudoscience. I mean, I know the supernatural is not supposed to happen, but it does happen. Seriously, though, I think too many supernatural films with zombies, vampires, ghosts etc are too afraid to say “The world has zombiedraculaghosts. Deal with it.” and they have to bring science in. The audience is willing to say, for the duration of horror films, Brian Cox, bugger off for a bit. I bet you, if Brian Cox watches supernatural films, he would rather any idea of real world science were thrown out of the window than some weird hybrid made to fit around the narrative.

Cast list. Volunteer – Eduardo Meneses. That is nearly the coolest name ever. Catering was by Rolling Chef. The chef was Michael Zwart. That’s right. The Michael Zwart who did catering on Space Buddies.

Dory Vanderkuip did both craft services and first aid. Hopefully she did more of the former than the latter. I’ll try and find out.

People that also suffered this film

Stupid Blue Planet

International Syndicate of Cult Film Critics