Temple – A Drunken Review

Temple. Three kids go looking for a temple in a Japanese forest. Like that’ll end well. One brave soul, fuelled only by the power of Guinness, braves the film so you don’t have to.

Temple Movie Poster
By the writer and director of Blair Witch and You’re Next (me neither)

Temple. At least the name doesn’t have any ambiguity. And we’re into the film without any production cards (is that the proper name?) or anything.

Some good torch work.

Apparently six children went missing. One of them looked very angry. There seems to be some rather pointless translations. You don’t need to tell us the book was called Folk Tales twice. We didn’t care the first time.

Folk Tales
Folk Tales!

Writer/director. Always a good sign.

I recognise the Japanese guy with the glasses.

Ooh, a child running out of shot. How original.

It’s Captain Pike!

Temple - Captain Pike
Beep beep beep

The Japanese language always seems like a no-nonsense sort of language. No vagaries. No ambiguity.

Don’t you dare be a found footage film. They’re just an excuse for bad film-making.

She’s a likeable sort of character. I sort of hope she doesn’t die. Her boyfriend is baby Ed Norton. Billy Friendzone is a bit creepy. I think we’re supposed to hope he doesn’t die. Doesn’t bother me if he does. I don’t think he will, but if he does, hope it’s quick.

I think Billy Friendzone kind of fancies Mr.Boyfriend in an “I’ll sleep with him to be with her” kind of way.

Folk Tales
Folk Tales Again!

They’ve stumbled across a narrative.

Folk Tales
Folk Tales! We don’t need the translation again!

This is well shot. However, we’re about 1/2 hour in and there doesn’t seem to be any story.

Folk Tales
Folk Tales! Seriously,
if you translate this again, I’ll punch myself in the head.

Yeah. They’re mendicant monks. Relax.

It’s a bad sign when you’re checking the time elapsed. Seriously, nothing of note has happened.

Nuts. Fell asleep. Rewind.

This seems to have high production values, but unknown actors (no disrespect, just don’t recognise them).

Billy Friendzone is filming them having sex. I still don’t think he knows which one he’d rather be with.

The storyline still hasn’t really started and we’re about halfway through.

I said just that I didn’t recognise the cast. They’re decent actors though. Just lost in a meandering script.

Kitsune. There was a World of Darkness book about them. I may still have it. Not that I was ever a goth nerd.

Vampire The Masquerade
One of the best PC RPGs ever.

Those stone figures are creepy. Maybe they know where the story is.

I think this was an indy film that was scripted and cast, but then had money thrown at it. The cast and script stayed, but the production values increased. Again, not knocking the cast, but you can tell they’re not film veterans. Not sure how. There’s just a certain something. Maybe it’s a self-belief that people only get after they’ve done a couple of films that comes through.

There’s a bigger story here about abortion. Maybe that’s the theme of the film but the director didn’t have the confidence to make it the focus. Maybe it was just some character background that was used to fill time.

A lot of torch work going on. Make up for a lack of anything else with scary torch work.

Oh. A twist. How clever. Well done. Oh. Another twist. Double twist backfire. You must be so proud. Wonder who did the catering.

Guinness – The Royal Oak, The Emerald Club, The Molineux, The Emerald Club, The Royal Oak £various

Double Ice Backfire
Double Ice Backfire!
This poll is closed! Poll activity:
Start date 27-07-2017 18:30:09
End date 22-12-2017 19:59:59
Poll Results:
What review would you like to see on the weekend after 22/12/17

13 Eerie – A Drunken Review

“We prey for you” Seriously?

SOBER WARNING – There are spoilers.

A bottle of 19 Crimes and this one tastes even better for some reason.

Oh dear. That bird of prey screech at the end of the credits was just cheap. As is the opening sequence and the synth music. I recognise two people from this. In recent films on here that’s a lot. I know the girl from Ginger Snaps is one, and there’s a young fellow with a redneck beard I recognise.

Oh look! It’s John McEnroe.

The music is telling us to be afraid because there’s nothing else. Hey, wait! I recognise John McEnroe from somewhere.

Why do low budget films always film at angles?

Oh no! John McEnroe smoked a joint and all the equipment is broken. I guess the scriptwriter is trying to tell us something.

A reference for the old people out there
Just say no.

This set up – competition for places on a pathology course being contested for using real corpses on an island which housed a penitentiary, in which experiments took place. It’s a bit convoluted.

I think I recognise redneck beard from something I like.

Oh no. He’s smoking the drugs again. He’ll be listening to jazz records next.

Do actors in these films never question the script? In testing software, you do something called static testing. You go through the specification and look for problems before it goes further. Someone should have pointed out how stupid it was that the teacher just totally dismissed the idea of there being a rogue corpse. Then I wouldn’t have wasted time writing this paragraph.

The students already seem to be well versed in this sort of stuff.

John McEnroe is the only likeable character here. Plus I’m sure one of the students just said “dogshoot”. That dialogue was probably written by the writer who thinks marijuana is the root of all evil.

There was another guy in the movie, but he’s gone now.

This zombie is quite a dainty eater.

Mr.Redneck Beard seems like an unusually good actor compared to everyone else.

Roaring zombies. That’s unusual. They’re more like orcs.

I hope Professor Asshole gets bit.

I’m sure Professor Asshole was just wearing latex gloves to turn on the generator. Maybe that’s his ‘thing’ – he fears contact with the real world. Although he wasn’t wearing them after.

Oh, suddenly Professor Asshole gives a damn, and he has a gun.

These zombies seem to enjoy their work.

The gore in this is actually quite good. It’s just about everything else that’s the problem. Oooh. She’s using convoluted science to escape. Because she’s a student, see. She could have just legged it, but… SCIENCE!

She blinded me with science!
Beep bop boop

Director: Can you do some expressions?

Actress: What emotions?

Director: Is raised eyebrows an emotion?

Now John McEnroe’s gone, I don’t care who dies. We’re supposed to have wanted him dead, but he was a likeable idiot (they never said what his crime was. I’m guessing it was something petty).

I think we’re supposed to want the girl from Ginger Snaps to survive (who is probably too old to be a student). Instead of making her a likeable character, however, like most modern horror, they’ve just chosen an attractive actress. Physical beauty is shorthand for decency. Which is lazy. Who would you trust more? Melania Trump or Dot Cotton?

Ooh, I say

You know some of these films end with the protagonist (pretty white female) covered with blood and viscera, but surviving. Then they started killing them and it was like “Surprise! Nobody survived!” and we were shocked. Theoretically, as both kinds of ending exist, there is a better opportunity for suspense, yet, because the possibilities of who survives are narrow (ie Pretty White Female) it is necessary for that character to be likeable for that suspense to exist. Usually, they aren’t, so it’s a case of holding on to the slim hope that the character you at best like, or at least hate less, survives. Which they almost always fail to do.

Looks more like him when you're drunk.
This one’s for my dead homie John McEnroe

A shed. A van. An arrow. I’m hoping they’re going to A-Team their way out of there. Girl from Ginger Snaps’s beau reminds me of Crispin Glover. Have you ever seen his version of Ben? Well now you can.

There were just two pieces of really beautiful cinematography. Totally out of place. I can imagine a cameraman who had dreams of producing real art seeing an opportunity and taking it.

Ok. Fuck you. More characters were alive than I expected, but they finished on a comedy cliffhanger, utterly at odds with the tone of the film. I’m going to assume they all died and nobody cared.

Catering was by Meals for Reels. All caterers must have pun names. Like hairdressers (best one I’ve seen is Sherlock Combs) and chip shops (I always wanted to open a German themed one in southern England called Cod in Hemmel). They have a chef – Bev Dusel and a sous-chef – Tim Dusel. The term sous-chef always reminds me of Apocalypse Now. What’s the difference between Shaun Cadenne, credited as Dailies and Ward da Bussac (awesome name) credited as Daily? Surely the only difference between Daily and Dailies is one is plural?

Still pissed off that they didn’t finish the film. I’d made a whole point about who survives in horror films.

Wait. Special thanks… Bruce Willis?

Sober bit – Don’t forget, you can sign up to the mailing list and possibly win a copy of Hellraiser Revelations.

Monday Update 09/10/2017

The Legacy - House of Hell
Another 80s game geek reference. Lose one sanity.

The first Corking Movies Halloween special (spooktacular) was a doozy. Troll 2 has long been known as one of the worst films of all time. It was even the subject of an entertaining documentary entitled Best Worst Movie). It has attained cult status, giving rise to fan festivals, special screenings and its cast revel in their notoriety. As you can imagine, it was enjoyable to watch drunk, and the review is below.

Continuing our October Halloween theme, I’ve prepared the new poll. Billy Zane and Red Clover have been removed from the list having garnered no votes. I’m sure Billy Zane will appear here again. His is an odd tale, to me. He’s a decent actor, but whether it’s through bad decisions, bad advice or whatever, he’s been in a lot of bad films (and his name is tainted as such). So, in place of Red Clover and Troll 2, we have 13 Eerie (no score on Rotten Tomatoes) and The Day (29% on Rotten Tomatoes).

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
Start date 27-07-2017 18:30:09
End date 13-10-2017 19:59:59
Poll Results:
What should I watch for the next Halloween Special?

Child’s Play

As a horror fan, this is one of those films I’ve just never got round to watching. For those that don’t know, it’s about a killer doll, voiced by the fantastic Brad Dourif. It spawned many sequels.

I Am The Pretty Thing That Lives In The House

This is a Netflix special about a writer of ghost stories who moves into a house with a ghost. I expect one of those book signing endings that all films with writers in have. And jump scares and close up over the shoulder shots (you know the one, where the viewer can see what’s behind the protagonist).

The Day

This is a post apocalyptic horror, so bad haircuts are guaranteed. It’s about a bunch of survivors holes up in a farmhouse with bad guys outside.

13 Eerie

Some FBI forensic wannabes are sent to an island for some test or another. Turns out some illegal experiments were done there. One of the cast is listed as ‘Skinhead Nazi Zombie’, so that may give you some idea.

The Legacy – A Drunken Review

Her bank account number is 129666. Seriously. Oh. I’m watching a 70s horror film.

Sam Elliott still had his moustache back then. I wonder if he’s had it uninterrupted for 39 years. I think he’s a flower arranger.

They’re buying oranges off Art Garfunkel.

“And Roger Daltrey as Clive”.

DP’s name is Dick Bush.

If I stop this film now, with the Kiki See soundtrack playing, it’s a lovely San Francisco moustache with Katherine Ross and Sam Elliott’s moustache.

Apparently in 1970s England, there was no motorcycle theft, but there is tea, according to this chap who like he’d be in Tales of the Unexpected, or an Agatha Christie movie.

I think they had to take down the English Heritage signs to film this.

Sam Elliott’s moustache is bristling with jealous rage.

Having a bad leg is shorthand for being evil.

Helichopper! Must be Roger Daltrey. Must be Roger Daltrey. If I had a helichopper, I’d make the pilots dress as WW1 infantrymen too.

Roger Daltrey wasn’t on the helichopper. Henry Blofeld (not the cricket commentator) was though.

This ‘water too hot in the shower’ scene had more drama and threat than the motorcycle crash.

‘Mr.Mountolive’ is that a Noah’s Ark reference.

Javier Bardem’s dad just called the English ‘a primitive race’. Next time he does that, I’ll club him to death with a rock.

On the office wall, I think he had all the heraldic shields from Kingmaker.

The Legacy - Kingmaker boardgame
Family boardgame night for me back in the late 80s

People are acting suspiciously when they say Mr.Mountolive brought them.

They wouldn’t get planning permission for a pool like that in a stately home. I’m not sure the geometry of this house works in any way.

BUSTED! If you get caught by your girlfriend watching a woman in a pool, at least act guilty.

Roger Daltrey is now telling us ‘Who’ everyone is.

This Mountolive fellow has Hockney in his swimming pool.

The Legacy - Hockney
And you thought I was just a drunk who struggled to remember actors’ names he’d had a couple.

Medical science in 70s horror films always sounds terrifying.

Blofeld has a Windsor knot. There’s probably some semiology to tie knots.

The Legacy - Sam Elliott
Sam Elliott posing for the cover of his first album.

The police have been called. Stately home. A fortune to be made. Is it going to be Poirot, Miss Marple or the inspector from An Inspector Calls.

Jesus. Is this the late 1970s or the 1920s?

The true horror here is the American driving.

I thought you needed a biro to do a tracheotemy. He’d have survived if Sam Elliott hadn’t stayed here hand.

I can only assume the white cat wandering round is Blofeld’s. Hope he told someone to feed it… “Sometimes you burn the witch and sometimes the witch burns you.”

The Legacy - Big Lebowski Sam Elliott
The moustache, as bushy and proud as ever.

Is ‘Coral’ the usual pronounciation in the US?

The lesson here is here is, if you break down near a stately home, make sure you find the Kris knife.

The Legacy - House of Hell
Another 80s game geek reference. Lose one sanity.

Can Sam Elliott use his moustache like a batarang?

They’ve got to find Barbara. In other words… They’re coming to get you Barbara.

I recognise Javier Bardem’s dad from something. Probably Death on the Nile or something.

I remember hearing a barn owl once, on the way home from the pub. Those bastards sound scary.

Seriously, a shotgun at this range against a man in a body warmer?

The Legacy - Crossbow
I have no quarrel with you.

Backfiring shotgun through skylight into swimming pool.

The Legacy - Ian Gillan
It was Ian Gillan all along

Sam Elliott is breaking things for the sake of it now. Probably because he’s in this film.

Meet the new boss, same as the old boss (just because Clive died doesn’t mean I can’t make The Who jokes).

The Legacy - Half Life 2
We don’t go to Ravenshurst anymore.