Dead House

Dead House Poster
Dead House Poster

This wine glugs. A good sign. Have to say, I’ve been looking forward to getting a screener of this one. Just seen the name around and fancied it.

Greg Wallace
Greg Wallace is in a bad mood

Dude. You just flicked past Turtles. I pray you get your comeuppance.

That Rugged comic looks a bit like Crossed. I wonder if it’s supposed to be a version of it.

Emo kid has a local accent. He said “munny”.

Younger kid is old enough to play in his own room by himself.

Professor Dad has a very odd delivery. Like he’s reading from a script. I don’t think this film is the one I’d been hearing about.

Does Professor Dad really keep zombies in his basement? I take work home with me, but that’s taking it too far.

Italian Killer is like a younger, more deranged, Italian Werner Herzog (sober edit – he really wasn’t, but hell…). Love Herzog, both for the films and the mythos he’s built around himself. His cameos in Rick and Morty and Parks and Recreations are brilliant. And the collapse scene in Nosferatu is one of the most haunting things ever.

Pretentious kid spouting about GTA on the PSP. It wasn’t written to help understand violence. There’s no overarching polemic, it’s just about blowing things up.

Professor Dad wouldn’t be put of place in Doctors. As I’m off work today, I’ve had the joys of daytime TV. Which reminds me. Why did nobody tell me that Dion Dublin was on Homes Under the Hammer?

Dion Dublin
Never played for a team I like, but legend nonetheless (not just because he smacked Robbie Savage)

This film is the first I’ve seen since the start of Corking Movies that actually harms the pizza industry.

Is that kid the ghost kid from House on Elm Lake?

Greg Wallace’s tattoo is like the talisman from the board game of the same name.

Ooh, just remembered. Whoever did the audio rocks. When they are loading guns earlier, the clunks and clicks were beautifully crisp.

Do people playing villains like this ever struggle. Playing someone this vile can’t be easy, and, I think, if you’re playing the victim, you’d have to trust the aggressor. And sadly, you can tell they’re not intimidated by the aggressors (and Testemento does play a decent nutcase).

I think with the home invasion genre, foreign language films have an advantage. The language barrier causes the viewer to be isolated from the killer. I think having too clean a film quality has a negative effect too. Look at the scene in Henry. It feels real because it’s filmed on a camcorder. This doesn’t have any of the alienation. We’re too obviously in a fiction and this genre needs that not to be the case.

The gore is better than I’ve seen for a while.

I think the internet has taken some of the mystique away from this sort of film. For example, when I was young, the story was that the hillbillies in Deliverance were real mountain men and security guards were on set with guns in case they got carried away. IMDB says otherwise.

There seems to be very little in the way of security at this facility.

“Here we are at Suarez’s house.” Are they looking to get bitten?

A goalmouth scramble featuring Suarez

Back to the security thing. I suppose RE2 was just as bad. There’s a huge facility just sitting under a police station. You’d think these things would be in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by barbed wire and stuff.

Are we going to get a zombie flesh eaters ending? Hopefully a zombie fighting a shark too.

It’s Nemesis! My RE2 reference counts! I loved RE2.


Wasn’t half as tough when you had the infinite rocket launcher.

That’s some good head stoving.

Jesus. Are these special forces guys doing an homage to Resident Evil with this acting?

We did get the Zombie Flesh Eaters ending.

Is the film a metaphor for how America turned the UK into a base for its nuclear weapons? As a lot of anime did (sober edit – I appear to have just stopped mid sentence here. I was rather drunk though).


Housesitters – A Drunken Review


SOBER EDIT – There are minor sort of spoilery things.

The hamsters are quiet tonight.

I’m currently drinking a milk stout. It’s horrible. With a delicious aftertaste. It’s called “Tonkonko”. Maybe it’d be best if I got someone to drink it and spi… No. Everyone’s asleep. Even the hamsters.

This next beer has ‘briny’ in its description. Does that mean it’ll taste like hot dog water? Seriously. It’s a “sweet, briny, chewy trouble maker.” It’s briny AND chewy? Anyway, film.

The production credits. So beautifully 80s.

I wonder if these 3 would do a good job of looking after my son’s hamsters. A friend of mine was an electrician. He was working in an air force officer’s house. When the officer left, he tried on his uniform. You know these would do the same.

They’re talking about regurgitating food into someone’s mouth. That’d work with the beer.

Was that Freddie Kreuger’s hat?

Freddie Kreuger
“I’m your boyfriend now”

I could never employ a housesitter. I get freaked when a non-family person is in the next room in our house.

“To hire food.” Brilliant.

When I watched the trailer, the two leads annoyed me and I thought I’d have to be super drunk to watch. I mean they’re supposed to be a bit annoying, but the trailer showed only the worst and I assumed it’d be relentlessly annoying.

I want pizza. Being a pizza marketing person must be the easiest job. Basically, you see pizza, you want pizza. Dominos did especially well in an email once though, advertising a pizza with “you’re tearing me apart pizza.”

See? You want pizza now.

I feel like I should make another reference to Ghoulies 2 here.

Ugh. Magnolia.

The chemistry between these two appears quite genuine.

Homonculus. What a marvellous word. Not as good as petrichor, but it’s still good.

The black hole at the door reminds me of House. House 2 is better. It has Cliff from Cheers as a plumber/adventurer and a line like “What you’ve got here is your standard interdimensional vortex.”

The music here is a bit like Silent Hill 2 when your character’s soul is basically broken.

Silent Hill 2
“But you’re Maria”

One knife! One knife in heaven!

Once I saw a set of magic books and bestiaries in a charity shop window. Bought them for my brother. The woman behind the counter (I assume a Christian) gave me such a filthy look.

A warlock? Of Firetop Mountain?

Warlock of Firetop Mountain
Turn to page 400

Warlocks are always classy. Unlike druids.

This trailer looks like a Unity asset game. I’m not putting the rest of the film down by saying it’s my favourite bit yet. Will zombie head spider be in it? Or was it made with The Movies? Dancing About Barkitecture. Love it. Bit worried we’ve seen the best bits…

These two seem like they’d be very good YouTubers. Not sure why. Maybe it’s just that they’d be good at talking shit about crap.

The basement’s not the womb. It’s about the deepest oedipal and repressed sexuality or something according to Slavoz Zicek.

Alan Partridge
“Dan! Dan! Dan!”

He’s quite a reasonable demon.

Actually Greg looks a bit like Slavoz Zizek.

I started a Ghostbusters club at school. We were going to go and search the old house next to the school. My son goes to the school now. The house has goats. For sacrifice, I assume. We could have stopped it cold.

“I don’t see time and space the way you people do.” You already s… Well played sir, well played.

This whole self defence thing reminds me of when I killed a wasp while watching Cartel 2045.

“That’s why I’m single.” Again, well played.

OK. If I’d just seen the trailer, and not committed to reviewing, I wouldn’t have watched this. So glad I did, though. It’s amusing enough until Dances With Barkitecture, which is fantastic, and then finishes very strongly. Also, Tatania Von Recklinghausen is an amazing name.

Saltwater. Briny beer. Full circle, like Jedis and stuff.

Party Bus To Hell – A Drunken Review

Party Bus to Hell Poster
Party Bus to Hell Poster

Well that was a mental evening’s football. 2 injury time penalties missed. Don’t think I’ve ever seen it. Last week we won with nine players on the pitch. Anyway, it’s time for Party Bus to Hell, which is due for DVD/Blu-ray release next Friday (13th April).

(Sober edit – there may be minor spoilers ahead. I only remember a night of violence and nudity).

Quick Slash, get out of there!

“Everything you say, they’ll turn against you.” I’ve been in relationships like that.

“I hate mummies.” Obviously seen the film with Tom Cruise.

I think the bus driver… I did NOT expect that. I’ve actually thought that a few times. It’s just the first time I wrote it.

OK. Regular readers will know I often get annoyed by the fact that a lot of horror films have casts where you don’t care if they live or die. This film deals with that in an interesting way. I think you’re actually encouraged to want them to die. Which they do, in droves, creatively, shockingly and violently.

Stop! Hammer time!

MC Hammer
He’s so proud of that phone.

OK. I think the biggest jerk is going to end up being the hero of the film.

Stock female scream. Every group violence scene. It’s the female Wilhelm Scream. The Wilhelmina scream?

The biggest jerk kind of reminds me of Dave Gahan (legend).

Dave Gahan
Enjoy the Violence

“Dead. It’s a side effect of being murdered.”

I was about to say that something about this reminded me of House of 1000 Corpses. Then, the evil priest dude takes off his mask and he looks like Sid Haig. I might go for an upside down head soon, but my beard’s going in a couple of weeks.

At least the psycho monk dude is friendly.

If I had to rely on the contents of my backpack to survive, I think I’d be in trouble. Some biros, a notepad and a 2000 AD trade hardback. Oh, and a big rubber band ball.

Backpack contents
Yeah. I don’t think I’m going to be fighting evil with that lot. Unless I can launch a biro into someone’s eye with an elastic band.

The bus driver is awesome. Her and the girl with the cyberpunk headgear are the most engaging. And the venture capitalist chap.

There’s lots of bits that are making me laugh here, but I’ll let you see them yourself.

My brother once found a scorpion in his bed on holiday. No. My brother was on holiday.

I hope it’s got that annoying whistling stuck in your head too

Now if the chosen one is supposed to be a virgin and there’s one virgin on the bus. Not sure I like the morality of this.

Again. I didn’t expect that.

I’m not sure this’ll go down too well at the church cinema group. A lot of sex and violence. I think the sex sort of took over the film for a bit, whereas I’d mainly come for the violence.

Nice 80s style monster effects. Think The Howling.

I was expecting something to happen similar to a scene in this…

Ghoulies 2
Maybe I should rewatch this as a drunken review

I called that wrong.

One of the few days I didn’t go on the bus with the lads for the football (I was in the International Lounge, seeing how the other half live), they lost the deposit because someone was sick. I think this lot might lose theirs.

I’m not sure how the opening ties in with the rest of the film.

Is that Bono? OK. For a brief moment from the back. I think I recognise this dude.

For a moment, I thought she was going to magic Love Shack onto the radio. If I was a demon, I think that’d be my power.

The B52s
“Tremble, mortals”

Ok. Who did the catering?

I enjoyed that. Some very funny stuff and some lovely gore. One for lovers of gratuitous sex and violence.