Housesitters – A Drunken Review


SOBER EDIT – There are minor sort of spoilery things.

The hamsters are quiet tonight.

I’m currently drinking a milk stout. It’s horrible. With a delicious aftertaste. It’s called “Tonkonko”. Maybe it’d be best if I got someone to drink it and spi… No. Everyone’s asleep. Even the hamsters.

This next beer has ‘briny’ in its description. Does that mean it’ll taste like hot dog water? Seriously. It’s a “sweet, briny, chewy trouble maker.” It’s briny AND chewy? Anyway, film.

The production credits. So beautifully 80s.

I wonder if these 3 would do a good job of looking after my son’s hamsters. A friend of mine was an electrician. He was working in an air force officer’s house. When the officer left, he tried on his uniform. You know these would do the same.

They’re talking about regurgitating food into someone’s mouth. That’d work with the beer.

Was that Freddie Kreuger’s hat?

Freddie Kreuger
“I’m your boyfriend now”

I could never employ a housesitter. I get freaked when a non-family person is in the next room in our house.

“To hire food.” Brilliant.

When I watched the trailer, the two leads annoyed me and I thought I’d have to be super drunk to watch. I mean they’re supposed to be a bit annoying, but the trailer showed only the worst and I assumed it’d be relentlessly annoying.

I want pizza. Being a pizza marketing person must be the easiest job. Basically, you see pizza, you want pizza. Dominos did especially well in an email once though, advertising a pizza with “you’re tearing me apart pizza.”

See? You want pizza now.

I feel like I should make another reference to Ghoulies 2 here.

Ugh. Magnolia.

The chemistry between these two appears quite genuine.

Homonculus. What a marvellous word. Not as good as petrichor, but it’s still good.

The black hole at the door reminds me of House. House 2 is better. It has Cliff from Cheers as a plumber/adventurer and a line like “What you’ve got here is your standard interdimensional vortex.”

The music here is a bit like Silent Hill 2 when your character’s soul is basically broken.

Silent Hill 2
“But you’re Maria”

One knife! One knife in heaven!

Once I saw a set of magic books and bestiaries in a charity shop window. Bought them for my brother. The woman behind the counter (I assume a Christian) gave me such a filthy look.

A warlock? Of Firetop Mountain?

Warlock of Firetop Mountain
Turn to page 400

Warlocks are always classy. Unlike druids.

This trailer looks like a Unity asset game. I’m not putting the rest of the film down by saying it’s my favourite bit yet. Will zombie head spider be in it? Or was it made with The Movies? Dancing About Barkitecture. Love it. Bit worried we’ve seen the best bits…

These two seem like they’d be very good YouTubers. Not sure why. Maybe it’s just that they’d be good at talking shit about crap.

The basement’s not the womb. It’s about the deepest oedipal and repressed sexuality or something according to Slavoz Zicek.

Alan Partridge
“Dan! Dan! Dan!”

He’s quite a reasonable demon.

Actually Greg looks a bit like Slavoz Zizek.

I started a Ghostbusters club at school. We were going to go and search the old house next to the school. My son goes to the school now. The house has goats. For sacrifice, I assume. We could have stopped it cold.

“I don’t see time and space the way you people do.” You already s… Well played sir, well played.

This whole self defence thing reminds me of when I killed a wasp while watching Cartel 2045.

“That’s why I’m single.” Again, well played.

OK. If I’d just seen the trailer, and not committed to reviewing, I wouldn’t have watched this. So glad I did, though. It’s amusing enough until Dances With Barkitecture, which is fantastic, and then finishes very strongly. Also, Tatania Von Recklinghausen is an amazing name.

Saltwater. Briny beer. Full circle, like Jedis and stuff.

Party Bus To Hell – A Drunken Review

Party Bus to Hell Poster
Party Bus to Hell Poster

Well that was a mental evening’s football. 2 injury time penalties missed. Don’t think I’ve ever seen it. Last week we won with nine players on the pitch. Anyway, it’s time for Party Bus to Hell, which is due for DVD/Blu-ray release next Friday (13th April).

(Sober edit – there may be minor spoilers ahead. I only remember a night of violence and nudity).

Quick Slash, get out of there!

“Everything you say, they’ll turn against you.” I’ve been in relationships like that.

“I hate mummies.” Obviously seen the film with Tom Cruise.

I think the bus driver… I did NOT expect that. I’ve actually thought that a few times. It’s just the first time I wrote it.

OK. Regular readers will know I often get annoyed by the fact that a lot of horror films have casts where you don’t care if they live or die. This film deals with that in an interesting way. I think you’re actually encouraged to want them to die. Which they do, in droves, creatively, shockingly and violently.

Stop! Hammer time!

MC Hammer
He’s so proud of that phone.

OK. I think the biggest jerk is going to end up being the hero of the film.

Stock female scream. Every group violence scene. It’s the female Wilhelm Scream. The Wilhelmina scream?

The biggest jerk kind of reminds me of Dave Gahan (legend).

Dave Gahan
Enjoy the Violence

“Dead. It’s a side effect of being murdered.”

I was about to say that something about this reminded me of House of 1000 Corpses. Then, the evil priest dude takes off his mask and he looks like Sid Haig. I might go for an upside down head soon, but my beard’s going in a couple of weeks.

At least the psycho monk dude is friendly.

If I had to rely on the contents of my backpack to survive, I think I’d be in trouble. Some biros, a notepad and a 2000 AD trade hardback. Oh, and a big rubber band ball.

Backpack contents
Yeah. I don’t think I’m going to be fighting evil with that lot. Unless I can launch a biro into someone’s eye with an elastic band.

The bus driver is awesome. Her and the girl with the cyberpunk headgear are the most engaging. And the venture capitalist chap.

There’s lots of bits that are making me laugh here, but I’ll let you see them yourself.

My brother once found a scorpion in his bed on holiday. No. My brother was on holiday.

I hope it’s got that annoying whistling stuck in your head too

Now if the chosen one is supposed to be a virgin and there’s one virgin on the bus. Not sure I like the morality of this.

Again. I didn’t expect that.

I’m not sure this’ll go down too well at the church cinema group. A lot of sex and violence. I think the sex sort of took over the film for a bit, whereas I’d mainly come for the violence.

Nice 80s style monster effects. Think The Howling.

I was expecting something to happen similar to a scene in this…

Ghoulies 2
Maybe I should rewatch this as a drunken review

I called that wrong.

One of the few days I didn’t go on the bus with the lads for the football (I was in the International Lounge, seeing how the other half live), they lost the deposit because someone was sick. I think this lot might lose theirs.

I’m not sure how the opening ties in with the rest of the film.

Is that Bono? OK. For a brief moment from the back. I think I recognise this dude.

For a moment, I thought she was going to magic Love Shack onto the radio. If I was a demon, I think that’d be my power.

The B52s
“Tremble, mortals”

Ok. Who did the catering?

I enjoyed that. Some very funny stuff and some lovely gore. One for lovers of gratuitous sex and violence.

Temple – A Drunken Review

Temple. Three kids go looking for a temple in a Japanese forest. Like that’ll end well. One brave soul, fuelled only by the power of Guinness, braves the film so you don’t have to.

Temple Movie Poster
By the writer and director of Blair Witch and You’re Next (me neither)

Temple. At least the name doesn’t have any ambiguity. And we’re into the film without any production cards (is that the proper name?) or anything.

Some good torch work.

Apparently six children went missing. One of them looked very angry. There seems to be some rather pointless translations. You don’t need to tell us the book was called Folk Tales twice. We didn’t care the first time.

Folk Tales
Folk Tales!

Writer/director. Always a good sign.

I recognise the Japanese guy with the glasses.

Ooh, a child running out of shot. How original.

It’s Captain Pike!

Temple - Captain Pike
Beep beep beep

The Japanese language always seems like a no-nonsense sort of language. No vagaries. No ambiguity.

Don’t you dare be a found footage film. They’re just an excuse for bad film-making.

She’s a likeable sort of character. I sort of hope she doesn’t die. Her boyfriend is baby Ed Norton. Billy Friendzone is a bit creepy. I think we’re supposed to hope he doesn’t die. Doesn’t bother me if he does. I don’t think he will, but if he does, hope it’s quick.

I think Billy Friendzone kind of fancies Mr.Boyfriend in an “I’ll sleep with him to be with her” kind of way.

Folk Tales
Folk Tales Again!

They’ve stumbled across a narrative.

Folk Tales
Folk Tales! We don’t need the translation again!

This is well shot. However, we’re about 1/2 hour in and there doesn’t seem to be any story.

Folk Tales
Folk Tales! Seriously,
if you translate this again, I’ll punch myself in the head.

Yeah. They’re mendicant monks. Relax.

It’s a bad sign when you’re checking the time elapsed. Seriously, nothing of note has happened.

Nuts. Fell asleep. Rewind.

This seems to have high production values, but unknown actors (no disrespect, just don’t recognise them).

Billy Friendzone is filming them having sex. I still don’t think he knows which one he’d rather be with.

The storyline still hasn’t really started and we’re about halfway through.

I said just that I didn’t recognise the cast. They’re decent actors though. Just lost in a meandering script.

Kitsune. There was a World of Darkness book about them. I may still have it. Not that I was ever a goth nerd.

Vampire The Masquerade
One of the best PC RPGs ever.

Those stone figures are creepy. Maybe they know where the story is.

I think this was an indy film that was scripted and cast, but then had money thrown at it. The cast and script stayed, but the production values increased. Again, not knocking the cast, but you can tell they’re not film veterans. Not sure how. There’s just a certain something. Maybe it’s a self-belief that people only get after they’ve done a couple of films that comes through.

There’s a bigger story here about abortion. Maybe that’s the theme of the film but the director didn’t have the confidence to make it the focus. Maybe it was just some character background that was used to fill time.

A lot of torch work going on. Make up for a lack of anything else with scary torch work.

Oh. A twist. How clever. Well done. Oh. Another twist. Double twist backfire. You must be so proud. Wonder who did the catering.

Guinness – The Royal Oak, The Emerald Club, The Molineux, The Emerald Club, The Royal Oak £various

Double Ice Backfire
Double Ice Backfire!

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