Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance -A Drunken Review

Looks badass, right?Wrong.

Hyde Park entertainment. What did I watch by them that was awful?

Marvel Knights. Kind of like they’re trying to keep this separate. They should do a Moon Knight film, only a) they’d probably have to arm wrestle Sony for the rights and b) they know I’d kill them if they got it wrong. If Rob Lowe was younger, he’d probably be a good Marc Spector.

Monks in a High Tech Bunker. That’s the name of my prog-industrial band. We’re a bit like Download.

The Eyes of Stanley Pain

They just shot Anthony Stewart Head. He probably asked them to, so he could escape this film.

So, Ghost Rider punishes people who download illegally? Or is that the film company? This whole opening is a sad attempt at trying to emulate the opening of Kick Ass.

I get the feeling Idris Elba left the motor running when he did his bit.

Was this filmed on an iPhone? Not even a new one or anything.

Kajagoogoo is the highlight of this film so far.

Hey! It’s Jean Reno’s older brother.

How can a flaming skeleton overact? I’m impressed.

How can this Nicholas Cage be the same one as in Leaving Las Vegas, Raising Arizona and Wild at Heart? He obviously can act. Do directors make that much difference, or is he taking the piss?

Cage keeps grabbing his hand. Is he having a stroke? Also, is his hairdresser the same one Brad Dourif used in Dune?

Never read any of the books. Do I have enough time left on earth to read them all?

The power of the deal? Isn’t that Donald Trump’s book?

I there a name for the sort of lighting they use when they’re working in a small area to make it look like a big area, only it doesn’t work?


That is some prime Nicholas Cage overacting. Not quite Wicker Man, but not far off.

Is he Scottish or Slavic, or both? Yeah. The thing about an indestructible good guy against some low rent mooks is that there’s no threat. Struggling to get through this. There’s no real drive. No goal. No motivation. NO POINT. Apparently Nicholas Cage has quit making Ghost Rider films. Watching this, I think he already had.

No! Don’t bring him back from the dead! He can’t act! Oh. You’ve not only done that, you’ve made him look like Ron Perlman in Beauty and the Beast.

Taking a brief break from owning Donald Trump

I was wrong. It was filmed on a GoPro. Hey look! It’s Raiden.

Heh heh heh

Are there no black actors from French speaking nations? Idris Elba is a good actor. He was Stringer Bell, for God’s sake, but his accent is awful.

This subterranean cave with no discernible lighting source is well lit.

Oh. Looked down to write the above. Looked up and there’s a bad metal video on. Oh. No. Wait. It’s still Ghost Rider.

I might do a Nicholas Cage special in the future. Not watching The Wicker Man again though, so screw you.

We’re near the end. Can’t wait.

FFS. If my four year old wrote this script, I’d ground him and make him do it again.

Wilhelm Scream. Ordinarily, this would fill me with joy, but here it is cynically, soullessly used. Couple of shots there look like they were from a good film. So incongruous.

Did he just send the Devil to Hell? Where he’s kind of a big deal? Not much if a struggle either.

It takes two directors to make a film that bad.

I hope there was no catering.

Still not sure why it was in Eastern Europe. I assume it was budgetary reasons.

There was catering. By Dada Catering. Apt. Duchamp put a toilet in a gallery. This film belongs in a toiet.

I can imagine the directors say ‘bro’ a lot, but are too old to.

Again, this film is so bad it has annoyed me. I hope the directors are never employed in the movie industry again.

Weirdly, film stops and Idris Elba is on. In two minutes, he’s out acted his Ghost Rider self.

Guinness – Royal Oak (Cannock), Emerald Club (Wolverhampton), Molineux Stadium (5-1 vs Bolton), Emerald Club again, then finally back at the Royal Oak.

Children of the Corn – A Drunken Review

The preacher kid is as scary as he looks here. As in not at all.

Sober edit – There are spoilers. And I fell asleep part way through so reviewed it over two nights. The first half is particularly rambling. I don’t know why I wrote some of it, or whether it had any relevance.

OK. Got back. Couldn’t find my notepad. I’d bought a new one for this review. We’ll, this series of reviews. A Star Wars one. Hella cool.

Anyway, My Bloody Valentine and Children of the Corn were drawing, so I tossed a coin and Children of the Corn won. I may stay awake throughout.

What must Quentin Tarantino think of Harvey Keitel whoring out the Winston Wolf character?

I feel bad. I nuked the meal my partner left for me and it is lovely.

Oh. That’s achingly bad typography. First hurdle? Fallen. There are actually good child actors. There’s no excuse in throwing a bunch of kids at the screen.

Was this a TV movie? Again. That typeface. If I had a dinosaur based theme park, I’d consider it. Consider it.

Would you use a typeface like this for a film about a group of kids who form an evil religion?

Nebraska. That’s the size of an Aliens nuclear explosion.

This is not a happy couple.

That thing just happened.

I remember pulling up at a service station once. My brother was sick in an arc that missed our uncle (who introduced me to so much horror). This caused me to vomit. Again that missed our uncle. We defied geometry that day.

Are they newlyweds? If so, this will be a short marriage.

These two seen like they’ve been told by an overbearing director to pretend they’ve found a corpse, rather than being allowed to act naturally.

Is this the 70s? Did he just say he’d given her an order? Us white males are trying to shake of this whole patriarchal thing and you’ve just thrown is back in. We’re not all misogynistic, racist, homophobic idiots, that’s just an echo of who got elected.

I think my new notepad may be in the bag of Halloween stuff I bought for Halloween. I’m torn between looking for it and praying that this one lasts long enough.

Someone’s hidden the film.

This dude reminds me of Henry Rollins.

This film reminds me of sitting an exam and finishing it because it was so easy and you had an hour to waste counting ceiling tiles.

Nothing has happened in this film so far.

I fell asleep during the review. I’m afraid that I was very, very drunk.

Right. I was way too drunk last night and fell asleep. I’m less drunk now, so will pick up from where I got to. Just trying to find where I got to… Feels like I had been watching for five or six hours, but apparently it’s not that long.

Oh. Twenty minutes. I’d watched twenty minutes.

Just read through last night’s ramblings. I really was hammered. A mix of Guinness and red wine (purchased in a football ground, so of dubious quality) did for me.

That kid ranting on the radio grew up to be Steve Bannon.

It’s got the hair and everything.

‘My name is Strontium.”

I think that’s what he said, anyway.

So it is the 70s. I thought the chap just liked vintage cars. His misogyny is just “normal” for the time he’s from.

So they’re not newlyweds. It’s their second honeymoon. I think they’re doing it to try and get their marriage back on track.

There’s nothing happening in this other than melodrama and horror-synth.

Children being shot? That’s not something we usually see on screen.

Scary. What he thought were mannequins turned out to be child actors.

I remember when my son’s two cousins came to our house. They and my son jumped on top of me. I was buried. I said “help me”. None of the adults heard, but the kids started repeating “help me.” That was very much like this film. The kid who is the leader of the kids is so uncharismatic.

He just snapped the neck of what appeared to be a six year old.

Where the hell did a baby come from? None of the girls looks old enough. Unless they kill kids who do get to child bearing age after they’ve had children.

Troll 2 had a strong anti corn message too.

OK, so they have conception ceremonies and all the children watch. Should have called it Children of the Porn.

When he was in Vietnam, was he a kernel?

Tikki Torches?

Surely the credits should be rolling by now.

Not only did they have catering by two companies – Maitre D’Ames and Bridges Catering, Accomodation was provided by the Lodge Hotel.

Part one.
Guinness – Royal Oak, Cannock, Molineux,Royal Oak again – various prices
Unidentified red wine – Molineux. £4.20

Part two.
Buckfast – Scotland. Don’t know.