Left Behind – A Drunken Review

It’s the rapture! And Nicholas Cage has been… Left Behind. At least I had a bottle of wine to help me through my tribulations. Expect some drunken musing on all things cinematic and ecumenical.

Left Behind movie poster
Has Cage been airbrushed in?

It’s another Nick Cage special. Based on a badly written book about the end times. Did start reading it as a joke, but it was so badly written and offensive. Apparently, in the video game (yes…) there’s demons that come out of UN trucks. We’re in tinfoil hat territory here.

Left Behind Video Game
Left Behind – the video game.

I wish you were here to hear this music. And I was somewhere else. Wait. It’s part of a trilogy? Was there a reason that there were so many copies of the book Acts of God? Was it some sort of product placement?

The music. It’s infomercial material. Uh oh. Nicholas Cage took off his wedding ring. He’s a bad man.

You know that scene in one of the Modern Warfare games where you walk through the airport shooting civilians? I want that to happen to this airport.

Take that, Rayford Steel and Buck Williams.

Nicholas Cage’s daughter is an evangelical atheist. In about 10 minutes, she’s attacked some stranger about it and slagged off her own mother for being religious. I reckon she’ll come to see the light by the end of it. The writers think non believers are Bad People(tm). Now shes banging on about it to handsome investigative journalist man (it’s been  repeatedly pointed out  that’s what he is). The religious polemic is heavy handed as it gets. Captain Steel?

Random porter guy just rolled up and gave Captain Steel’s daughter two U2 tickets for her dad. Took him two weeks to find them. The people who write this stuff. They don’t actually experience real life, do they?

Now Investigative Journalist has walked into the aircraft cabin to hand Captain Steel the tickets. This is post 9-11.

His name isn’t just Captain Steel. It’s Captain Rayford Steel.

Angry midget is angry, Bad music is still playing. There’s so much badness going on, I’ve scarcely had chance to drink.

Mom just put her gloves on an obviously placed Bible. She’s religious, you see. She’ll be swept up in the Rapture.

Captain Rayford Steel is giving it the anti God stuff again. I’m an atheist,, but that’s just my thing. If people want to believe, that’s their thing.

That blocked road is the most blocked road ever. It’s about as subtle as the dialogue. Ironically it’s probably a metaphor that’s too subtle for me to get.

Stop it Rayford Steel. She’s young enough to be your daughter. And too young to be impressed by U2 tickets.

Remember in Steven Spielberg’s War of the Worlds where the heat rays left clothes behind? Well that’s what happens when people get Raptured. So what if the Steven Spielberg’s War of the Worlds aliens were just Rapturing people?

War of the Worlds Tripod
“Do not fear us. We are only trying to save your eternal souls.”

Muslim guy didn’t get Raptured. He just said “Alluha Akbar” when it happened.  I don’t think it;’s an expression of surprise.

I wonder if U2 were taken up in the Rapture? If so, those tickets were a waste of money.

There’s post rapture looting going on and some big bearded guy just legged it out with a whole load of dresses.

By the way, you know that thing about aeroplanes needing at least one atheist pilot in case of the rapture? Hopefully I don’t have to tell you it’s nonsense.

I love scenes where it sounds like everyone is screaming, but there’s nobody with their mouth open.

Captain Rayford Steel is trying to get his mobile to work in flight (it was already on and not in aeroplane mode) and is annoyed by the lack of signal.

A drug addict. Obviously not Raptured.

Guy was judgmental about midget’s gambling habit. So, basically, guy who cast first stone ascended (sober edit – I finally remembered what the real word was).

investigative journalist was speaking as if doing a report while taking stills pictures with a camera. He was broadcasting to no-one and he was not recording anything.

Both pilots on that plane ascended. Bad luck to the imperfect people on there. The whole Rapture thing was badly thought out. For many people there’s no opportunity for redemption. If God is real, there’s people who’ve not had the chance to find him, or have grown up in societies where another religion is predominant (and it’s seen as apostasy to teach any other kind of religion. There’s people who experience awful deprived lives. Should eternal damnation be warranted based on an accident of birth? Take the gambling midget in this. What if he started gambling (not exactly the worst sin) as a form of escape due to bullying and shit? The Muslim chap – if he was from Saudi Arabia, the opportunity to be ‘taught’ Christianity would be severely limited. Rich white Americans would be OK though. They’ve had easy lives. Their faith hasn’t been tested. I bet the writers of this would expect Trump and Pence to ascend.

“Mother, will Uncle Donald be coming to Heaven too?”

THAT DUDE SHOT A JUGGALO. It was a bit back, but I just remembered. He;d probably watched Batman and got confused. What about people like the Joker who are insane and do horrific things? If it’s like a chemical insanity, should they be punished? Some people’s brains are just wired wrong. The whole idea only those who are good and true going to heaven only works with a level playing field. You’re a parent. Your child is starving. You see a load of bread unguarded on a market stall. What do you do? If you are willing to risk your eternal soul to feed your child, that is about the most selfless thing you can do. But you are punished for it. At least with the Egyptian death myth, it’s about your moral balance.  If you have done what you believe to be right, you go on the up escalator.

Where did she get a gun?

I’m sure the Rapture, like this, isn’t actually in the Bible.

During the Tribulation, if someone shows themselves to be a True Believer, can they be plucked out? From what I’ve read, belief during the Tribulation will be so much harder than belief before it.

This feels like a pilot (ironically, Nicholas Cage doesn’t).

Ah. The gun belonged to an Air Marshall., to quote Nicholas Cage “The Air Marshall? I forgot about him.” The writers did too, it seems. It’s like they’d filmed the bits with the gun, then suddenly realised they hadn’t explained where it came from. Like a reverse Chekhov’s Revolver. We’ll call it Bay’s Automatic.

If the Rapture happened, I’d call round people I didn’t like (as I’m an atheist, I’d be stuck down here), and, if they answered, it’d be like “Get in.”

Victory baby
“So you’re stuck here too? Good.”

Also, if you lived and died pre-Rapture, and weren’t a True Believer, would that mean you went to Hell or Purgatory? At least if you were around when the Tribulation kick off, there’s some solid proof that there’s a God and stuff. Also, what happens if you lived and died BC? I imagine a lot of our readers won’t be religious sorts. I’d love someone who is to read this and answer my questions. Not in an “I’m Richard Dawkins and I want to tear down everything that helps you cope with life” kind of way, but with genuine interest. I’m not too proud to admit I’m wrong. At least I assume I’m not. Its just never happened yet.

More Heaven/Hell stuff. If you genuinely believed in Hell, you would not stop until everyone you cared about was converted, or you died trying. If you were to believe for a moment you had not done everything possible to convert people it would make you a terrible person (and I assume destine you for Hell). I once had a friend who was a Seventh Day Adventist. I asked him if he thought I was going to Hell. With a shrug of the shoulders he said “Yes”. Surely his lack of an attempt to save me was worse than if he’d seen me bleeding out at the side of the road? Also, if you believe in Hell, by having children, aren’t you at risk of creating a life that may end up in Hell? No matter how devout the parent, there’s always that risk (sober edit – I wrote a short story that touched on this that is published here – https://www.amazon.co.uk/Nightfalls-Notes-world-Thomas-Pluck-ebook/dp/B00AGCIO8C).

You know in Wayne’s World where they used stock footage to show the plane flying to the UK? This makes that look like Blade Runner 2049. I think, come the New Year, I’m going to buy, and watch, the other two films. And if I buy it, it means giveaway time.

Captain Rayford Steel’s daughter has cleared a path by the men at work signs. Turns out they weren’t a metaphor, just foreshadowing. I feel good for myself in that I didn’t fail to grasp a metaphor, but feel bad for the writers that even with my low opinion of them I still managed to overestimate them.

This film really doesn’t act as a debate about morality or belief or anything. It’s just a bad disaster movie.

One plus point. Nick Cage’s hairline is less ludicrous than Ghost Rider. Also, Evil Temptress Stewardess is remarkably attractive. I don’t care who did the catering. Everyone involved was either judgmental or greedy (both of which would possibly mean you get left behind).

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
Start date 27-07-2017 18:30:09
End date 22-12-2017 19:59:59
Poll Results:
What review would you like to see on the weekend after 22/12/17

Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance -A Drunken Review

Looks badass, right?Wrong.

Hyde Park entertainment. What did I watch by them that was awful?

Marvel Knights. Kind of like they’re trying to keep this separate. They should do a Moon Knight film, only a) they’d probably have to arm wrestle Sony for the rights and b) they know I’d kill them if they got it wrong. If Rob Lowe was younger, he’d probably be a good Marc Spector.

Monks in a High Tech Bunker. That’s the name of my prog-industrial band. We’re a bit like Download.

The Eyes of Stanley Pain

They just shot Anthony Stewart Head. He probably asked them to, so he could escape this film.

So, Ghost Rider punishes people who download illegally? Or is that the film company? This whole opening is a sad attempt at trying to emulate the opening of Kick Ass.

I get the feeling Idris Elba left the motor running when he did his bit.

Was this filmed on an iPhone? Not even a knew one or anything.

Kajagoogoo is the highlight of this film so far.

Hey! It’s Jean Reno’s older brother.

How can a flaming skeleton overact? I’m impressed.

How can this Nicholas Cage be the same one as in Leaving Las Vegas, Raising Arizona and Wild at Heart? He obviously can act. Do directors make that much difference, or is he taking the piss?

Cage keeps grabbing his hand. Is he having a stroke? Also, is his hairdresser the same one Brad Dourif used in Dune?

Never read any of the books. Do I have enough time left on earth to read them all?

The power of the deal? Isn’t that Donald Trump’s book?

I there a name for the sort of lighting they use when they’re working in a small area to make it look like a big area, only it doesn’t work?

HE’S SCRAPING AT THE DOOR!

That is some prime Nicholas Cage overacting. Not quite Wicker Man, but not far off.

Is he Scottish or Slavic, or both? Yeah. The thing about an indestructible good guy against some low rent mooks is that there’s no threat. Struggling to get through this. There’s no real drive. No goal. No motivation. NO POINT. Apparently Nicholas Cage has quit making Ghost Rider films. Watching this, I think he already had.

No! Don’t bring him back from the dead! He can’t act! Oh. You’ve not only done that, you’ve made him look like Ron Perlman in Beauty and the Beast.

Taking a brief break from owning Donald Trump

I was wrong. It was filmed on a GoPro. Hey look! It’s Raiden.

Heh heh heh

Are there no black actors from French speaking nations? Idris Elba is a good actor. He was Stringer Bell, for God’s sake, but his accent is awful.

This subterranean cave with no discernible lighting source is well lit.

Oh. Looked down to write the above. Looked up and there’s a bad metal video on. Oh. No. Wait. It’s still Ghost Rider.

I might do a Nicholas Cage special in the future. Not watching The Wicker Man again though, so screw you.

We’re near the end. Can’t wait.

FFS. If my four year old wrote this script, I’d ground him and make him do it again.

Wilhelm Scream. Ordinarily, this would fill me with joy, but here it is cynically, soullessly used. Couple of shots there look like they were from a good film. So incongruous.

Did he just send the Devil to Hell? Where he’s kind of a big deal? Not much if a struggle either.

It takes two directors to make a film that bad.

I hope there was no catering.

Still not sure why it was in Eastern Europe. I assume it was budgetary reasons.

There was catering. By Dada Catering. Apt. Duchamp put a toilet in a gallery. This film belongs in a toiet.

I can imagine the directors say ‘bro’ a lot, but are too old to.

Again, this film is so bad it has annoyed me. I hope the directors are never employed in the movie industry again.

Weirdly, film stops and Idris Elba is on. In two minutes, he’s out acted his Ghost Rider self.

Guinness – Royal Oak (Cannock), Emerald Club (Wolverhampton), Molineux Stadium (5-1 vs Bolton), Emerald Club again, then finally back at the Royal Oak.

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
Start date 27-07-2017 18:30:09
End date 22-12-2017 19:59:59
Poll Results:
What review would you like to see on the weekend after 22/12/17

Monday Update 20/11/2017

Good afternoon! It’s that day of the week again.

Knucklebones
Knucklebones

It’s still Monday, so this is still a Monday update, OK?

Friday’s review was Knucklebones. Felt a bit sad about it not being very good, as it was obviously a labour of love for him, but not anyone else involved. Orc Wars was ditched from the list. Shame, as that would have been awesome. Added are Jessabelle, which is on Netflix and Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, which apparently has some quality Nicholas Cageism.

Turns out I didn’t upset Kandyce McClure with my review of Children of the Corn (she spoke to us via twitter – @corkingmovies if you’re interested), she thought the writing and direction sucked too.

Anyway, voting can be done over at Corkingmovies.com (and despite the conspiracy theorists, it’s not rigged). Also, any suggestions for future films, or even themes, are welcome (I don’t do intentionally bad ones though.)

Oh, and it’ll be Saturday I watch the next film – post football.

The Possession of Michael King – from the Horror Channel. Some chap (Michael King – who I assume rules over Michael Knight) gets possessed in order to prove the supernatural doesn’t exist. That’s what it says anyway. Doesn’t make much sense to me.

The Ouija Possession – Amazon Prime. Some kids play with a ouija board and release a vengeful spirit. Apparently this is a film that was released 4 years previously under a different name…

Ghost Rider – Spirit of Vengeance – Can’t remember. Film 4, I think? Johnny Blaze riding round the town with his head on fire in Eastern Europe. Probably because it’s cheaper to film there.

Jessabelle – Netflix. Girl is involved in a car crash. Goes to her childhood home, where there’s a ghost or something.

This poll is closed! Poll activity:
Start date 27-07-2017 18:30:09
End date 22-12-2017 19:59:59
Poll Results:
What review would you like to see on the weekend after 22/12/17