Children of the Corn – A Drunken Review

The preacher kid is as scary as he looks here. As in not at all.

Sober edit – There are spoilers. And I fell asleep part way through so reviewed it over two nights. The first half is particularly rambling. I don’t know why I wrote some of it, or whether it had any relevance.

OK. Got back. Couldn’t find my notepad. I’d bought a new one for this review. We’ll, this series of reviews. A Star Wars one. Hella cool.

Anyway, My Bloody Valentine and Children of the Corn were drawing, so I tossed a coin and Children of the Corn won. I may stay awake throughout.

What must Quentin Tarantino think of Harvey Keitel whoring out the Winston Wolf character?

I feel bad. I nuked the meal my partner left for me and it is lovely.

Oh. That’s achingly bad typography. First hurdle? Fallen. There are actually good child actors. There’s no excuse in throwing a bunch of kids at the screen.

Was this a TV movie? Again. That typeface. If I had a dinosaur based theme park, I’d consider it. Consider it.

Would you use a typeface like this for a film about a group of kids who form an evil religion?

Nebraska. That’s the size of an Aliens nuclear explosion.

This is not a happy couple.

That thing just happened.

I remember pulling up at a service station once. My brother was sick in an arc that missed our uncle (who introduced me to so much horror). This caused me to vomit. Again that missed our uncle. We defied geometry that day.

Are they newlyweds? If so, this will be a short marriage.

These two seen like they’ve been told by an overbearing director to pretend they’ve found a corpse, rather than being allowed to act naturally.

Is this the 70s? Did he just say he’d given her an order? Us white males are trying to shake of this whole patriarchal thing and you’ve just thrown is back in. We’re not all misogynistic, racist, homophobic idiots, that’s just an echo of who got elected.

I think my new notepad may be in the bag of Halloween stuff I bought for Halloween. I’m torn between looking for it and praying that this one lasts long enough.

Someone’s hidden the film.

This dude reminds me of Henry Rollins.

This film reminds me of sitting an exam and finishing it because it was so easy and you had an hour to waste counting ceiling tiles.

Nothing has happened in this film so far.

I fell asleep during the review. I’m afraid that I was very, very drunk.

Right. I was way too drunk last night and fell asleep. I’m less drunk now, so will pick up from where I got to. Just trying to find where I got to… Feels like I had been watching for five or six hours, but apparently it’s not that long.

Oh. Twenty minutes. I’d watched twenty minutes.

Just read through last night’s ramblings. I really was hammered. A mix of Guinness and red wine (purchased in a football ground, so of dubious quality) did for me.

That kid ranting on the radio grew up to be Steve Bannon.

It’s got the hair and everything.

‘My name is Strontium.”

I think that’s what he said, anyway.

So it is the 70s. I thought the chap just liked vintage cars. His misogyny is just “normal” for the time he’s from.

So they’re not newlyweds. It’s their second honeymoon. I think they’re doing it to try and get their marriage back on track.

There’s nothing happening in this other than melodrama and horror-synth.

Children being shot? That’s not something we usually see on screen.

Scary. What he thought were mannequins turned out to be child actors.

I remember when my son’s two cousins came to our house. They and my son jumped on top of me. I was buried. I said “help me”. None of the adults heard, but the kids started repeating “help me.” That was very much like this film. The kid who is the leader of the kids is so uncharismatic.

He just snapped the neck of what appeared to be a six year old.

Where the hell did a baby come from? None of the girls looks old enough. Unless they kill kids who do get to child bearing age after they’ve had children.

Troll 2 had a strong anti corn message too.

OK, so they have conception ceremonies and all the children watch. Should have called it Children of the Porn.

When he was in Vietnam, was he a kernel?

Tikki Torches?

Surely the credits should be rolling by now.

Not only did they have catering by two companies – Maitre D’Ames and Bridges Catering, Accomodation was provided by the Lodge Hotel.

Part one.
Guinness – Royal Oak, Cannock, Molineux,Royal Oak again – various prices
Unidentified red wine – Molineux. £4.20

Part two.
Buckfast – Scotland. Don’t know.

Halloween Special#4 – Maximum Overdrive, A Drunken Review

Sober note – there are spoilers.

Tonight’s vote was a draw, so I tossed a coin and lost. I would rather have watched Truth or Dare, as I haven’t seen it. Saying that, I only remember Emilio Estevez crawling through a ditch, the Green Goblin and AC/DC from Maximum Overdrive. So, Stephen King on coke (allegedly) it is.

North Carolina? I don’t believe Stephen King was involved.

Oh, wait, there he is.

METAL!!!

You know, I didn’t realise Who Made Who was written for this (should be Who Made Whom, surely. No wonder Angus Young never graduated high school), so at least some good came of it.

Jesus. Giancarlo Esposito. Can’t imagine this is one of the highlights of his career.

Killed by a vending machine. Can you believe it?

“Eat my shorts.” Was this before or after The Simpsons? There’s quite a few good actors inn this. It must have paid well. Oh shit! Lisa Simpson’s in this! Is this where Bart’s “Eat my shorts” came from? So, it gave us one of AC/DC’s finest tracks and a catchphrase?

Somewhere, there must be a list of mechanical deaths they didn’t use. Like lungs exploded by a leaf blower, or forearm flesh burned off by a Dyson Blade (OK, they weren’t a thing back then, but being slightly warmed by an 80s hand dryer doesn’t cut it).

Hey, this kid’s playing Paperboy, only in real life.

It was a dangerous neighbourhood to deliver newspapers

Exploding pacemaker. There’s one for the remake. If you have any ideas, comments below.

I think Stephen King is systematically trying to destroy the idea of innocence. It’s not just that children aren’t safe in his work, but the way they die. Clowns, ice cream vans, baseball matches. He takes apart the trappings of youthful innocence. I don’t mean that he’s doing something evil, he’s just skilfully creating an environment where horror can thrive. I suppose the fact it’s a toy truck that’s the de facto leader is another example, but I’m not sure whether that’s intentional, or they just liked the lorry.

That reminds me. I’m watching Hellraiser revelations next.

How many “Magic Tree” air fresheners have been sold? Is it just one company that makes them all? They make me feel queasy.

“Mr.King, this film come in about an hour short.”
“Just film artics driving in circles.”

An elegant media, for a more civilised age

There’s something great about the name of a film being spoken in a film when it’s not an everyday utterance.

Pat Hingle is the quintessential Good Ol’ Boy. If he was still with us, they’d have to have him in Preacher.

We’ watched the sun go down, down down down.

I’m sure those trucks could smash the garage into splinters. If I was a possessed jukebox, I’d just play Ed Sheeran non-stop. A bit like Radio One does. Because I’m evil. The rap version of Galway Girl makes John Barnes look like Aesop Rock.

This has always felt a bit racist to me. “Yeah, he’s black, so he must be able to rap.”

Kid there crawling into a sewerage pipe. Is he going to bump into Andy Dufresne coming the other way. For those about to watch a shitty film, we salute you.

In horror literature, there are a lot of absolutely fantastic short stories. Clive Barker’s Books of Blood is full of them. These short stories, however, are short for a reason, and turning them into a full length film invariably fails and you can see why they weren’t novels.

The kid looks like you’d look him up and he’d turn out to be someone famous.

They’re not going to do all 8 days the prologue said the earth was going to be in the comet’s tail for are they?

The amount of scrut Emilio Estevez has stuck to walls of his room would surely put off any female companions.

Don’t know what the dude in the green shirt just said, but that was some entrance.

Have any rules been established here? What exactly can the green gas control? Is it things with a motor? Or where there’s any kind of mechanical part? Or anything man made?

“It’s like Neville Chamberlain giving into the Nazis.” A bizarrely intellectual reference to a film Stephen King refers to as a “moron movie”.

I know Stephen King wouldn’t prescribe to this, as he’s somewhat left of centre, but you could see this film as white power propaganda – the oppressor becoming the oppressed, that bizarre belie they all have that the white middle class are an oppressed social group.

More crawling through sewer pipes. I’m sure there’s one in It, too.

Why on earth did the machine gun buggy explode then?

That burger drive through thing has a cob on (this joke only works in the West Midlands).

OK, so a UFO was destroyed by a Russian weapons satellite. Why didn’t that turn bad?

No idea who did the catering. Must have been packed lunches.

Cans of Grolsch – about a quid.
Bottle of Condemned – #8. Lovely.

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