Children of the Corn – A Drunken Review

The preacher kid is as scary as he looks here. As in not at all.

Sober edit – There are spoilers. And I fell asleep part way through so reviewed it over two nights. The first half is particularly rambling. I don’t know why I wrote some of it, or whether it had any relevance.

OK. Got back. Couldn’t find my notepad. I’d bought a new one for this review. We’ll, this series of reviews. A Star Wars one. Hella cool.

Anyway, My Bloody Valentine and Children of the Corn were drawing, so I tossed a coin and Children of the Corn won. I may stay awake throughout.

What must Quentin Tarantino think of Harvey Keitel whoring out the Winston Wolf character?

I feel bad. I nuked the meal my partner left for me and it is lovely.

Oh. That’s achingly bad typography. First hurdle? Fallen. There are actually good child actors. There’s no excuse in throwing a bunch of kids at the screen.

Was this a TV movie? Again. That typeface. If I had a dinosaur based theme park, I’d consider it. Consider it.

Would you use a typeface like this for a film about a group of kids who form an evil religion?

Nebraska. That’s the size of an Aliens nuclear explosion.

This is not a happy couple.

That thing just happened.

I remember pulling up at a service station once. My brother was sick in an arc that missed our uncle (who introduced me to so much horror). This caused me to vomit. Again that missed our uncle. We defied geometry that day.

Are they newlyweds? If so, this will be a short marriage.

These two seen like they’ve been told by an overbearing director to pretend they’ve found a corpse, rather than being allowed to act naturally.

Is this the 70s? Did he just say he’d given her an order? Us white males are trying to shake of this whole patriarchal thing and you’ve just thrown is back in. We’re not all misogynistic, racist, homophobic idiots, that’s just an echo of who got elected.

I think my new notepad may be in the bag of Halloween stuff I bought for Halloween. I’m torn between looking for it and praying that this one lasts long enough.

Someone’s hidden the film.

This dude reminds me of Henry Rollins.

This film reminds me of sitting an exam and finishing it because it was so easy and you had an hour to waste counting ceiling tiles.

Nothing has happened in this film so far.

I fell asleep during the review. I’m afraid that I was very, very drunk.

Right. I was way too drunk last night and fell asleep. I’m less drunk now, so will pick up from where I got to. Just trying to find where I got to… Feels like I had been watching for five or six hours, but apparently it’s not that long.

Oh. Twenty minutes. I’d watched twenty minutes.

Just read through last night’s ramblings. I really was hammered. A mix of Guinness and red wine (purchased in a football ground, so of dubious quality) did for me.

That kid ranting on the radio grew up to be Steve Bannon.

It’s got the hair and everything.

‘My name is Strontium.”

I think that’s what he said, anyway.

So it is the 70s. I thought the chap just liked vintage cars. His misogyny is just “normal” for the time he’s from.

So they’re not newlyweds. It’s their second honeymoon. I think they’re doing it to try and get their marriage back on track.

There’s nothing happening in this other than melodrama and horror-synth.

Children being shot? That’s not something we usually see on screen.

Scary. What he thought were mannequins turned out to be child actors.

I remember when my son’s two cousins came to our house. They and my son jumped on top of me. I was buried. I said “help me”. None of the adults heard, but the kids started repeating “help me.” That was very much like this film. The kid who is the leader of the kids is so uncharismatic.

He just snapped the neck of what appeared to be a six year old.

Where the hell did a baby come from? None of the girls looks old enough. Unless they kill kids who do get to child bearing age after they’ve had children.

Troll 2 had a strong anti corn message too.

OK, so they have conception ceremonies and all the children watch. Should have called it Children of the Porn.

When he was in Vietnam, was he a kernel?

Tikki Torches?

Surely the credits should be rolling by now.

Not only did they have catering by two companies – Maitre D’Ames and Bridges Catering, Accomodation was provided by the Lodge Hotel.

Part one.
Guinness – Royal Oak, Cannock, Molineux,Royal Oak again – various prices
Unidentified red wine – Molineux. £4.20

Part two.
Buckfast – Scotland. Don’t know.

Monday Update 09/10/2017

The Legacy - House of Hell
Another 80s game geek reference. Lose one sanity.

The first Corking Movies Halloween special (spooktacular) was a doozy. Troll 2 has long been known as one of the worst films of all time. It was even the subject of an entertaining documentary entitled Best Worst Movie). It has attained cult status, giving rise to fan festivals, special screenings and its cast revel in their notoriety. As you can imagine, it was enjoyable to watch drunk, and the review is below.

Continuing our October Halloween theme, I’ve prepared the new poll. Billy Zane and Red Clover have been removed from the list having garnered no votes. I’m sure Billy Zane will appear here again. His is an odd tale, to me. He’s a decent actor, but whether it’s through bad decisions, bad advice or whatever, he’s been in a lot of bad films (and his name is tainted as such). So, in place of Red Clover and Troll 2, we have 13 Eerie (no score on Rotten Tomatoes) and The Day (29% on Rotten Tomatoes).

[yop_poll id=”8″]

Child’s Play

As a horror fan, this is one of those films I’ve just never got round to watching. For those that don’t know, it’s about a killer doll, voiced by the fantastic Brad Dourif. It spawned many sequels.

I Am The Pretty Thing That Lives In The House

This is a Netflix special about a writer of ghost stories who moves into a house with a ghost. I expect one of those book signing endings that all films with writers in have. And jump scares and close up over the shoulder shots (you know the one, where the viewer can see what’s behind the protagonist).

The Day

This is a post apocalyptic horror, so bad haircuts are guaranteed. It’s about a bunch of survivors holes up in a farmhouse with bad guys outside.

13 Eerie

Some FBI forensic wannabes are sent to an island for some test or another. Turns out some illegal experiments were done there. One of the cast is listed as ‘Skinhead Nazi Zombie’, so that may give you some idea.

Troll 2 – A Drunken Review

The cork from tonight’s wine seemed kind of appropriate

I remember watching Troll with my uncle a long time ago. There was an apartment block. People got turned into pods. Plants spread through the building. A mushroom did a song. As did a troll. Troll 2, apparently has nothing to do with that. It’s a bit like Halloween 3 in that there’s a film that the studio wanted to use the success, or at least the name – I don’t know how well Troll did, to boost sales.

This is a nice wine. Banished, 19 Crimes 2016. Goes down very smoothly. Quite full bodied. Not too acid.

That was a sudden start. The narration here isn’t too accurate. Those goblins weren’t giggling. Also, they’re chasing this Oktoberfest dude to some sort of 80s TV car chase music. That woman (obviously a witch of some sort) has freckles that look like my mom put on me when I dressed as a schoolgirl once.

Grandpa hates goblins. You can see it. Hates. Goblins. And they still exist. I can actually testify to this as I’ve seen one on TV.

That green goop is almost the same colour as our living room walls. His mom looks like she’s the wife of a cult leader. She also acts as she’s hypnotized. Her description of grandfather’s death feels like a character outline. “We’ll be living life like peasants and farmers.” Hardly selling the holiday there. The quick scene in the daughter’s room looked like it was part of a public health video.

I’d understand a town being called Nilbog in Sweden, but it doesn’t sound very American. I may be wrong. The name of my home town (Cannock) has always sounded Scottish to me, but in actuality is named either after Dragon’s Quest II or a song by Labe Siffre.

Cannock Chase Castle
From Wikipedia – Cannock is a kingdom and one of the three kingdoms founded in Torland by the descendants of the Dragon Quest hero and Princess Gwaelin

“Michael? Who are the goblins?” Allow me to field that one. They’re a band that works with Dario Argento.

Wait. Can a girl really turn you homosexual by kicking you in the balls? Are house exchanges a thing? Also, if you’re sneaking your boyfriend into the room, try not to shout at each other.

Met Andy Robinson once. Nice bloke
Last time I heard someone demand kids start singing “Row your boat”

Wait. Has that kid got some kind of Dante’s Divine Comedy ‘Forest of Suicides’ thing going on?

If it is a farmer’s house they’re stopping at, do they have to tend cattle and shit?

Dad, I don’t think the country folk are impressed. Actually, is that part of the dad job description? To try and fool your kids into thinking you’re not as out of the water when in a foreign environment as they are? That’s why dads don’t see read maps, don’t ask for directions and attempt to speak the language or dialect – “Hey. If dad knows the score, we’re sound.” I know I’ve done it and I think I’ve seen my dad do it (sorry if I’ve broken some sort of dad pact).

I might pretend to be a kid’s dead grandfather and get him to do all sorts of weird shit. And nobody would eat food that colour. There’s something wrong with the kid when he thinks the only way to stop people eating is to stand on the table and

piss on the food.

The goblins look disinterested. Except for that one that looks like Theresa May when she’s asked a question she hasn’t given to the BBC beforehand.

Strong and  Stable

That spear seemed to travel a lot further than the distance between the goblins and Specco.

This church has a four poster bed and potion table in the main room.

Hey look! It’s the Troll Queen, whose support for votes on this site may have won it for Troll 2. Her acting kind of reminds me of Jeffrey Coombs. Campy and OTT, but fully aware of it.

Specco is talking about things in logical terms. Probably because he has glasses.

Now you know where it’s from

Forgot to mention, there was an Alan Moore Killing Joke Joker poster, so that was cool. Also, was the not eating stuff from the goblins based on the poem The Goblin Market by Christina Rossetti and the stories about how, if you ate food from the fairy world, you’d never leave it?

Holly’s dance there was a bit odd. Followed shortly after by what seemed to be a WWE style callout to her boyfriend.

Dead Grandad, are you just pretending to have got the wrong room, you dirty old bugger?

Even from beyond the grave grandfather hates his son in law. To be fair, he hasn’t done much to make the viewer like him.

Holly’s boyfriend is naked in bed with his friend. Maybe he was right about being kicked in the balls.

A green cheeseburger! Just like in The Adventure Game (a reference that only older Brits will get).

Dude. If you go back to your mates having only bought a carton of milk, they won’t be happy.

Milk was a bad choice

There’s a whole anti-vegetarianism thing going on here. Which I’d have been down with until I watched Okja. Now, I obviously find it highly offensive. Elliott was buttoning up there like he’d been caught en flagrante. Must have been that kick in the balls.

Not sure if the preacher is from a Godley and Creme tribute band, or is a WWE wrestler whose schtick is that he is a southern preacher. The sheriff is a fat Stan Lee.

Line of the film so far… “I don’t speak with people who arrive late and upset their girlfriends. You give me a bad impression.” Would not be out of place in Napoleon Dynamite.

The Queen’s house looks like a weird florist.

Specco seems more disappointed than scared.

Wait. Did Bonnie Prince Billie just dance past? Saw a film with him in once. It was odd. The dad is like me when I try to be a disciplinarian at home. My heart’s not in it and I’m trying really hard not to laugh. Like earlier when my son had seen an advert for a guide dog charity, decided he wanted a guide dog, so was pretending to be blind (he’s 4).

Oh. It’s Grandad Seth, not Death. Do ghosts usually have Molotov cocktails? I’d like to rewrite this as a story where a ghost grandfather appears to his grandson, but is basically an asshole who is trying to ruin his daughter’s marriage via his grandson. Did grandpa really put the extinguisher there so deadbeat dad could put out the preacher? It’s not like there was a danger of the fire spreading. Oh look, Bonnie Prince Billie again. The Letting Go is a fantastic album (which I also reference in my review of A Monster Calls)

The Goblin Queen has just gone from creepy school librarian to 80s soft rock ballad vixen.

“You need to eat the sandwiches, or we’ll kill you violently”. Is that how I can get my son to eat?

Wait. Is the cheesy music from the TV actually playing outside? Has the whole film just been a weird advert for sweet corn? If it is, it’s working. I fancy some corn on the cob.

How's Anne?
Has he just seen Agent Cooper and a dancing dwarf?

Whoever drew these prints with what appear to be Pilgrim Goblins, they’re pretty cool.

The afterlife Grandpa is in seems to be pretty mundane. I mean he’s in a cardigan and slacks and has a cheap looking shoulder bag.

WHY IS THE THERESA MAY GOBLIN SO DIFFERENT TO THE OTHERS?

Erm, a meat sandwich is hardly vegetarian Kryptonite. Like when right wing nutjobs put ham on mosque doors. Muslims can touch it. Hell, you’ve probably been served pork products by Muslims.

This drunken review has probably been the most political, despite Okja being the most political film I’ve watched since I started. Or maybe Nostalghia.

Anyway, I have to say, this film was made in earnest, it seems. It wasn’t a cynical cash grab, like Crystal Skulls appeared to be. That it was the apple that got his mom further ties it to the Goblin Market.

Is Troll 3 streaming anywhere?

The Banished 19 Crimes 2016 vintage, Asda, about £7. A very pleasant red.

Oh, another thought. If they’d have made it a family film, I think it would have worked better. There wasn’t actually much ‘adult’ stuff.

Deborah Reed’s blog