Party Bus To Hell – A Drunken Review

Party Bus to Hell Poster
Party Bus to Hell Poster

Well that was a mental evening’s football. 2 injury time penalties missed. Don’t think I’ve ever seen it. Last week we won with nine players on the pitch. Anyway, it’s time for Party Bus to Hell, which is due for DVD/Blu-ray release next Friday (13th April).

(Sober edit – there may be minor spoilers ahead. I only remember a night of violence and nudity).

Quick Slash, get out of there!

“Everything you say, they’ll turn against you.” I’ve been in relationships like that.

“I hate mummies.” Obviously seen the film with Tom Cruise.

I think the bus driver… I did NOT expect that. I’ve actually thought that a few times. It’s just the first time I wrote it.

OK. Regular readers will know I often get annoyed by the fact that a lot of horror films have casts where you don’t care if they live or die. This film deals with that in an interesting way. I think you’re actually encouraged to want them to die. Which they do, in droves, creatively, shockingly and violently.

Stop! Hammer time!

MC Hammer
He’s so proud of that phone.

OK. I think the biggest jerk is going to end up being the hero of the film.

Stock female scream. Every group violence scene. It’s the female Wilhelm Scream. The Wilhelmina scream?

The biggest jerk kind of reminds me of Dave Gahan (legend).

Dave Gahan
Enjoy the Violence

“Dead. It’s a side effect of being murdered.”

I was about to say that something about this reminded me of House of 1000 Corpses. Then, the evil priest dude takes off his mask and he looks like Sid Haig. I might go for an upside down head soon, but my beard’s going in a couple of weeks.

At least the psycho monk dude is friendly.

If I had to rely on the contents of my backpack to survive, I think I’d be in trouble. Some biros, a notepad and a 2000 AD trade hardback. Oh, and a big rubber band ball.

Backpack contents
Yeah. I don’t think I’m going to be fighting evil with that lot. Unless I can launch a biro into someone’s eye with an elastic band.

The bus driver is awesome. Her and the girl with the cyberpunk headgear are the most engaging. And the venture capitalist chap.

There’s lots of bits that are making me laugh here, but I’ll let you see them yourself.

My brother once found a scorpion in his bed on holiday. No. My brother was on holiday.

I hope it’s got that annoying whistling stuck in your head too

Now if the chosen one is supposed to be a virgin and there’s one virgin on the bus. Not sure I like the morality of this.

Again. I didn’t expect that.

I’m not sure this’ll go down too well at the church cinema group. A lot of sex and violence. I think the sex sort of took over the film for a bit, whereas I’d mainly come for the violence.

Nice 80s style monster effects. Think The Howling.

I was expecting something to happen similar to a scene in this…

Ghoulies 2
Maybe I should rewatch this as a drunken review

I called that wrong.

One of the few days I didn’t go on the bus with the lads for the football (I was in the International Lounge, seeing how the other half live), they lost the deposit because someone was sick. I think this lot might lose theirs.

I’m not sure how the opening ties in with the rest of the film.

Is that Bono? OK. For a brief moment from the back. I think I recognise this dude.

For a moment, I thought she was going to magic Love Shack onto the radio. If I was a demon, I think that’d be my power.

The B52s
“Tremble, mortals”

Ok. Who did the catering?

I enjoyed that. Some very funny stuff and some lovely gore. One for lovers of gratuitous sex and violence.

Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance -A Drunken Review

Looks badass, right?Wrong.

Hyde Park entertainment. What did I watch by them that was awful?

Marvel Knights. Kind of like they’re trying to keep this separate. They should do a Moon Knight film, only a) they’d probably have to arm wrestle Sony for the rights and b) they know I’d kill them if they got it wrong. If Rob Lowe was younger, he’d probably be a good Marc Spector.

Monks in a High Tech Bunker. That’s the name of my prog-industrial band. We’re a bit like Download.

The Eyes of Stanley Pain

They just shot Anthony Stewart Head. He probably asked them to, so he could escape this film.

So, Ghost Rider punishes people who download illegally? Or is that the film company? This whole opening is a sad attempt at trying to emulate the opening of Kick Ass.

I get the feeling Idris Elba left the motor running when he did his bit.

Was this filmed on an iPhone? Not even a new one or anything.

Kajagoogoo is the highlight of this film so far.

Hey! It’s Jean Reno’s older brother.

How can a flaming skeleton overact? I’m impressed.

How can this Nicholas Cage be the same one as in Leaving Las Vegas, Raising Arizona and Wild at Heart? He obviously can act. Do directors make that much difference, or is he taking the piss?

Cage keeps grabbing his hand. Is he having a stroke? Also, is his hairdresser the same one Brad Dourif used in Dune?

Never read any of the books. Do I have enough time left on earth to read them all?

The power of the deal? Isn’t that Donald Trump’s book?

I there a name for the sort of lighting they use when they’re working in a small area to make it look like a big area, only it doesn’t work?


That is some prime Nicholas Cage overacting. Not quite Wicker Man, but not far off.

Is he Scottish or Slavic, or both? Yeah. The thing about an indestructible good guy against some low rent mooks is that there’s no threat. Struggling to get through this. There’s no real drive. No goal. No motivation. NO POINT. Apparently Nicholas Cage has quit making Ghost Rider films. Watching this, I think he already had.

No! Don’t bring him back from the dead! He can’t act! Oh. You’ve not only done that, you’ve made him look like Ron Perlman in Beauty and the Beast.

Taking a brief break from owning Donald Trump

I was wrong. It was filmed on a GoPro. Hey look! It’s Raiden.

Heh heh heh

Are there no black actors from French speaking nations? Idris Elba is a good actor. He was Stringer Bell, for God’s sake, but his accent is awful.

This subterranean cave with no discernible lighting source is well lit.

Oh. Looked down to write the above. Looked up and there’s a bad metal video on. Oh. No. Wait. It’s still Ghost Rider.

I might do a Nicholas Cage special in the future. Not watching The Wicker Man again though, so screw you.

We’re near the end. Can’t wait.

FFS. If my four year old wrote this script, I’d ground him and make him do it again.

Wilhelm Scream. Ordinarily, this would fill me with joy, but here it is cynically, soullessly used. Couple of shots there look like they were from a good film. So incongruous.

Did he just send the Devil to Hell? Where he’s kind of a big deal? Not much if a struggle either.

It takes two directors to make a film that bad.

I hope there was no catering.

Still not sure why it was in Eastern Europe. I assume it was budgetary reasons.

There was catering. By Dada Catering. Apt. Duchamp put a toilet in a gallery. This film belongs in a toiet.

I can imagine the directors say ‘bro’ a lot, but are too old to.

Again, this film is so bad it has annoyed me. I hope the directors are never employed in the movie industry again.

Weirdly, film stops and Idris Elba is on. In two minutes, he’s out acted his Ghost Rider self.

Guinness – Royal Oak (Cannock), Emerald Club (Wolverhampton), Molineux Stadium (5-1 vs Bolton), Emerald Club again, then finally back at the Royal Oak.

Halloween Special #3 – We Are What We Are – A Drunken Review

We Are What We Are

Well, it’s a day late, but today’s review is We Are What We Are (I was at the Wolves Vs Preston match today, so didn’t want a hangover). I’m actually going into this one with some enthusiasm and optimism, unlike others of late. Fingers crossed.

OK. Cinematography is a cut above what I’m used to, and it’s by ‘Uncorked Productions’, which is cool.

That pig sign looks like the one from the Delicatessen sign (good film).

Heh. Children burping. My son burped the other day and said it had gone up to God.

That’s rain. The sort of rain that makes you feel wet even when you’re inside. You can’t escape it.

Would they really ask a daughter to identify a corpse because the dad is still grieving. No. Scratch that question. What sort of dad would make his daughter do it?

I think Resident Evil 7 has the creepy hillbilly family thing cornered at the moment.

Welcome to the family, son

We don’t seem to be headed anywhere at the moment. Obviously the death of a mother is a momentous thing. But, we don’t know them. Why should we care? I think the director is too interested in showing us how clever he is in constructing scenes and shots (and he is, although some of the acting doesn’t help, the children and father not withstanding – they are excellent) than constructing a compelling narrative.

Suddenly the shots have gone all foreground/background focusing (I don’t know the proper terminology). Were the scenes in the police station shot by someone else?

I get the feeling this film is about a big twist and is wasting time because theres not much else to it. Like when you have a 5000 word dissertation and you pad it out with unnecessary words.

They could focus on the young boy – see the world through his naive eyes.

Something might happen soon.

I’m no love guru or anything, but, Deputy Creepypants, turning up at a girl’s house, after dark, on the night of her mother’s funeral and asking about a missing person is not a good leadup to asking her out.

This film has pretentions of being an arthouse film, but the narrative does not lend itself to being one. At the moment, I am thoroughly bored. I was sort of hoping this would be a hidden gem, like Bounty Killer, but in a more intellectual way.

The whole film should have been wrapped up ages ago. There’s been nothing to engage and I don’t really care much about the characters.

Nice frying pan sound.

No you lying get

The end would have been shocking if I’d have cared about anything that preceded it. Maybe they could have made more of the relationships in the family or something. Given the end some purpose. This country music at the end just feels like someone trying to be ironic.

Catering was by Tribe Road Catering. Head chef was Andrew Gilbert.

Booze – Guinness. Various prices, various places.

Don’t forget, you can still sign up for a chance to win Hellraiser Revelations – Hellraiser Revelations