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Killing Joan – A Drunken Review

Killing Joan Official Poster
Killing Joan Official Poster

I’m not sure if Killing Joan is a play on words that I’m not getting. Close to Killing Zoe, I suppose. Maybe. Or maybe it’s just an abstract thing. Killing Joan stars Jamie Bernadette, whose star seems to be on the rise somewhat, starring, as she does, in the remake of I Spit on Your Grave and 4/20 Massacre, which i enjoyed last week.  Anyway, although this film isn’t out yet, I’m going to go back to my old style of doing things, so there may be spoilers. And politics. And a hilarious use of images. Hilarious.

No you lying get
See? Hilarious.

The opening music reminds me of something I’ve watched a lot, but I can’t remember what. Something old. Might be Hardware.

Killer POV shots. I hate them. Unless they’re in Jabberwocky.

Erm, the acting in this is a little stilted to say the least. It’s a low budget film and it’s very much behaving like one.

The music on loop in that scene reminded me of an old PC RPG. Vampire Bloodlines or Deus Ex.

“I only asked where the toilets were, mate.”

This seems like the shittest nightclub ever. I think it’s actually somewhere I did an escape room in in Wolverhampton. This whole scene is pointless. No. Wait. It was all to set up what looked like the start of a porno.

“Jesus Joan”

Frank reminds me of that director who used to be a Scientologist.

Weirdly, the acting has improved a little. It’s not great, bit it’s improved. Maybe it’s that she’s acting against Frank rather than one of the other types.

“My uncle owns this company, and by extension, me.” His uncle owns him?

Talk to Frank. Isn’t that the drugs advice line.

The steam off that coffee cup is bugging me. There appears to be nowhere for boiling water to have come from for it to stay hot that long. I’m probably missing something but it feels wrong.

We really aren’t getting anywhere fast. There was a lot of time wasted, then the character arc of the bad guys was too severe. They went straight from disaffected to murderous.

There’s a lot of mention of her gender. I think the director wanted to make it an exploration of that, but having a first 30 minutes that resolves heavily around scenes of sex kind of kills that as a debate (see Monsters: Dark Continent for a film that kills its debate by pandering to adolescent fantasies).

“I’m going to get revenge. Woman’s wrath. Etc.” Beats up murderers, lets them go.

Who’s in charge of continuity here? There’s little things that are easy to get right, but if you don’t, it really trashes the reality you’re trying to build.

Do writers write lines that are meant to be used in trailers? If so, that was one. It was like “HERE’S THE TRAILER LINE.”

Dirk seemed nice. He had an honest estate agent vibe.

OK. She seemingly took down a bloke who carjacked a kerb crawler. Mixed moral message there.

David John Pleat is an English football player turned manager and sports commentator.

This bad guy doesn’t know how to smoke a cigar.

The violence needed to be more violent. The tone needed to be taken right down.

The main bad guy always seems as if he’s been waiting for someone to shout “action”, then takes a moment to realise they have. Frank’s Lieutenant, Neil, seems to be a little better of an actor than the others (as does Frank). He is playing a bit of a clichéd role though, that of the henchman who is weirflwkind of pleasant and you are given no reason to hate, but in reality, would be guilty of all sorts of stuff. Like Tony Todd in The Crow.

“Why don’t you two ladies come up and check me out some time.”

If they’d sat down and thought about the shadow powers and how they work, they could really have had fun, but I kind of get the feeling that they were too eager for people to see the film and ended up with a rush job. I’m a writer. I’ve done the same. Skipped an edit because I want it out there. So I understand.

Wait. Is this necrophilia?

Have the clocks gone forward now? Do I have 7 hours to sleep, or 6? Got a 5 year old’s birthday party to run tomorrow.

When you have a vengeful protagonist with an otherworldly power, then you need to have the antagonists to have to find the protagonist’s Kryptonite.

Seems odd that they’ve got a wrestler in and it seems she won’t have a fight scene. Oh. Suddenly Frank has mystic knowledge. And wrestler lady has shadow powers. If she had been Frank’s number two throughout, or even just a bodyguard, that would have worked. Instead, 20 minutes ago she freaked out at seeing a corpse and went to having powers over the underworld or something.

Neil does stand out as a better actor. How can different directors get such different performances? Or is it that the actors are cast in the wrong roles?

The good thing about the clocks changing is that the kitchen clock is right again. I just have to stop adding an hour to it.

Damn it. There was something there where Frank had some kind of deathbed redemption, but weren’t really given a reason to feel pity for him.

Is she called Joan because of Pope Joan?

This wasn’t a great film. The end credits look off the peg. As I said, Jamie Bernadette’s star is on the rise, and I’ll probably be watching more with her, but I don’t think this will be one she wants to be remembered for. It has no caterer for a start.

Wait. The copyright is 2016? It isn’t out until April 3rd 2018.